You're Kind of a Big Deal ...

i finally reached the point where i can't believe i ever gave my ex so much power over my self-worth. i'm finally reaching the point where i laugh instead of cry when i think about our time together. i laugh at the fog i was in and how delusional i was thinking he was my one chance at romance and a grand life adventure.

you are your own adventure story. you are the master of your own destiny. never let someone take that away from you. never give that power to someone else. yes, it may seem easier, but in the long run you're essentially sacrificing your soul, your worth, your vision. not worth it.

it's important to keep your heart open. we need to be compassionate and non-judgmental. but this past year i realized the (perhaps) more essential lesson is learning to protect your heart. it's one thing to forgive and show compassion. it's another to let yourself be a doormat with no brain. 

my life is filled with my interests, writing, passion, love. things are so much better now without this toxic person in my life. that's why i laugh when i think about how wrong i was.

i did hit a speed bump recently of jealousy, revenge. my ex and his gf live in my neighborhood so it's not unusual for me to see them out together. he rides his bike up and down my street and we don't even look at each other. or we do, but we both pretend we didn't. in a perfect world we could smile and say hi. but when someone hurts you deeply, it takes awhile. why pretend you respect someone when you don't? why give them a smile of submission? they do not deserve to be in your life. they don't deserve anymore smiles; fake or not.

i'm not necessarily proud of this outcome. but in life not everything ends how you envision. and that is real and that is the best, because this is life!

a recent writer i've become obsessed w/ Lorrie Moore explains this scenario best:










I came out of my jealousy and resentment by diving into myself, my interests and passions. From this experience, I discovered myself again and legitimized why I do not need a shitty partner. I'm waiting for someone who compliments me; there is no one who can complete me. Only I can do that.

And here is the kicker, the latest thing I saw that resonated with my current state:

updates

hey there.

i got a tumblr:
http://marzipanmoxley.tumblr.com/

writing has become steady.  there is this one online magazine that publishes my stuff and for that i am so grateful. tonight i will spend my time writing and sending love notes into small presses, online mags, alt lit communities.

is zine culture dead or alive? tomorrow i'll find out a local Zine fest.

the more i learn about gaining a following with my writing, the less enthused i become. I guess this will have to change if i want people to be interested. I do not want to have an unauthentic lifestyle blogger or facebook fan page. that's just not me. in an ideal world my work would speak for itself. but it's not like that anymore. self promotion is the boyfriend to the writer. oy!

so - now i am brainstorming ways to self-promote w/out feeling like i am no longer being genuine.

i went to a Q & A on self publishing, indie publishing last night. it was very helpful and provided me with some inspiration on how to move forward.

the tumblr community has been a boost in my confidence. it's nice to connect to other alt lit writers, poets, authors, publishers.

slowly but surely, finding the path.

a light in the piazza, "love to me" lyrics

The day we meet,

The way you lean against the wind,

And do not know that you are beautiful,

Or that anyone is watching you,

This is what I see.

And I notice how you hunger for surprise,

And do not think that you are tall enough,

Like you’re standing on a mountainside alone,

This is what I see.

You’re not alone.

Now I see as I have never seen before.

Since that moment in the square,

When you’re hat is carried in the air,

Just so you can chase it,

Just so I can be there,

This is how I know,

This is what I see,

This is love to me.

 

no fear.

there's something exciting about being afraid. do things that scare you.