Fuck yes

I went out with a friend last night. I had some beers. I showed her pictures of the two drastically older men I'm interested in. One of whom is my ex.

She looked at me and said
"OMG. No. You are way too nice and too funny and too beautiful to date these losers!!! You deserve someone who's going to take you on dates and want to date you."

I got a text from RPJ when i got home.

I called him twice he didn't pick up.

I said I'd rather talk on the phone.

So then I proceed to drop TRUTH BOMBS on his phone.

I don't know if what I did was right.

Basically I told him
Shit or get off the pot. Just in many more words.

I spoke my truth, so I'm not going to feel bad about it. I just hate it when a girl speaks her mind and a man labels her as "psycho or crazy" - when in actuality I'm just looking to cleanse my life of the BULLSHIT which he sprays onto it.

It's so complicated and painful and I don't have time for this shit!!!!

Did I do the "right" thing? Am I missing out on the greatest love of my life? I don't think so, since I would hope the greatest love of my life WOULD ACTUALLY TREAT ME WITH MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE.  i feel the love from him. Just no respect. 

It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.

 

Throwing Wine in His Face

 


This weekend I went for drinks with an older man. We had one date about 2 weeks ago. He took no initiative, but still contacted me for a non-date. And I still accepted thinking, "alright, at least we can be friends."

He's an interesting person. Bilingual, lived in different countries before. Older. Writes and actually reads books. Nice looking. Things that intrigue me. But I guess my bar isn't high enough.

We had planned to meet at 7pm, somewhere. At 6pm I get a text.

"I'm at [wine bar downtown]. How long will it take for you to get here?"
That's presumptuous. Yes, let me just drop all the shit I'm doing.
I drop it.

"I don't know. I guess 20 minutes if the metro behaves?"
"See you soon."
Ten minutes later,
"What's your ETA?"
My older, emotionally unavailable Ex used to use this phrase. A second glimpse of why I should NOT associate with this person.

"I dunno. 10 minutes I think."
Ten minutes pass. I'm still not on the metro. A minute later I walk through the sliding doors. A minute or two later I get off the metro car, headed to the escalator. I look down at my buzzing phone.

"Come on woman! Get here."
"That's rather demanding, and rude!" I thought. This is the point at which I should have turned around and went home. But I did not listen to my intuition and that's why the shit inevitably would soon hit the fan.

We met at a wine bar, blaring pseudo European electronic dance music. Misogynistic Old Asshole is sitting across from the bar side I'm on. He smiles and waves. I guess he forgot how hot I was. How much younger I was. 
"Took you long enough to get here."
"Ya. Weren't we meeting at 7pm? Not 6."
"I dunno I was here. So I texted you. Get some wine." He only speaks in commands. Another sign.

We start out talking about a mutual friend, possibly calling her to come hang out. We should do karaoke I suggest. He gives me a Cheshire cat smile, "how silly," yet he's so excited to think he could do karaoke later tonight.

Then we move on to talking about the DC dating scene. I explain my stance. No men. Not interested in men. I'm no longer interested. Looking for a relationship, not a one night stand. Looking for someone who is interested in me, don't want to get burned again. 

I explain how in my earlier 20s I did not want commitment. But when that phase was done I realized I wanted more. "Hooking up" didn't feel good. I also mentioned how I thought when you're a young woman you naively equate sex and love as the same thing and you think that if you put out, men will love you more, men will want to be with you for more than sex. At least, this was my experience.

"Equating love and sex? That's insanely naive. I can't even respond to that. Women can be so delusional."

"Delusional?"

"Yes. That's such a naive way to think. How delusional."

"Well I think that's why a lot of young girls have sex in high school. I think a lot of them want to express their love, or think if they give a boy what they want, they will fall in love with them. I think that's why a lot of women regret their first time experiences. Giving it away in a way that didn't work out as they hoped."  

"You mentioned you don't want to jump into anything, you 'got burned'? But the men you're talking about were just flings weren't they?"

"Well I guess they started out that way, but in my naivete I thought I could 'convince' them otherwise."

Angry Misogynistic Old Asshole voice: "Do you realized how victimized you sound? You're portraying yourself like a victim. When you weren't. Those guys just didn't love you and didn't even know that's what you wanted. Communication's important."

Defensive voice: "I don't think I sound like a victim. I think I'm just describing the female experience. At least my experience and what I've seen."

"You're not listening to me.  You're not special, [my name said in his Misogynistic Old Asshole voice]. You're not special. Being burned happens to everyone."

"I'm not special." I repeat back to him. He nodded with a shitty smirk on his face.

Now, I realize he meant my experience, not myself, but still the way he said this felt very dismissive, demeaning. I agree, these things happen to everyone, but when someone shares a story or experience with you, do you respond by dismissing it? I don't. I appreciate openness and honesty.

I felt the stem of my wine glass between my fingers. For a split second I considered splashing it in this Misogynistic Old Asshole's stupid grinning face. Instead, I sipped down the rest of my Rioja.





"I think I'm gonna go."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not having fun anymore." I ask for my check.

"There's no need to leave. I just thought we were having a lively debate. You're taking it so personally."

"I guess I don't share this shit with everyone so to be called a victim and delusional and not special just isn't .... fun."

"But you don't have to leave. It doesn't mean the rest of the night can't be fun. I think we've had a misunderstanding." back pedal back pedal back pedal.

I cash out, get off my bar stool,

"Bye," i say with an awkward smile on my face.

On the metro back home I received three texts. "I'm sorry I upset you. I guess I'm used to having spirited debates with friends who don't take things personally. It's not good to runaway when you don't agree with someone. You didn't have to ruin the whole night over some stupid disagreement."

I went home, pretty pissed off. But instead of crying or letting it ruin my Saturday night i called a friend and went to a corner bar and laughed and drank.

Life is too short to spend with Misogynistic Old Assholes. Even though I totally ignored my instincts and chose to be blind to the warning signs, at least each time it happens I'm getting better at recognizing. Like you know, not actually making out or sleeping with these sorts. That's an improvement.

You're Kind of a Big Deal ...

i finally reached the point where i can't believe i ever gave my ex so much power over my self-worth. i'm finally reaching the point where i laugh instead of cry when i think about our time together. i laugh at the fog i was in and how delusional i was thinking he was my one chance at romance and a grand life adventure.

you are your own adventure story. you are the master of your own destiny. never let someone take that away from you. never give that power to someone else. yes, it may seem easier, but in the long run you're essentially sacrificing your soul, your worth, your vision. not worth it.

it's important to keep your heart open. we need to be compassionate and non-judgmental. but this past year i realized the (perhaps) more essential lesson is learning to protect your heart. it's one thing to forgive and show compassion. it's another to let yourself be a doormat with no brain. 

my life is filled with my interests, writing, passion, love. things are so much better now without this toxic person in my life. that's why i laugh when i think about how wrong i was.

i did hit a speed bump recently of jealousy, revenge. my ex and his gf live in my neighborhood so it's not unusual for me to see them out together. he rides his bike up and down my street and we don't even look at each other. or we do, but we both pretend we didn't. in a perfect world we could smile and say hi. but when someone hurts you deeply, it takes awhile. why pretend you respect someone when you don't? why give them a smile of submission? they do not deserve to be in your life. they don't deserve anymore smiles; fake or not.

i'm not necessarily proud of this outcome. but in life not everything ends how you envision. and that is real and that is the best, because this is life!

a recent writer i've become obsessed w/ Lorrie Moore explains this scenario best:










I came out of my jealousy and resentment by diving into myself, my interests and passions. From this experience, I discovered myself again and legitimized why I do not need a shitty partner. I'm waiting for someone who compliments me; there is no one who can complete me. Only I can do that.

And here is the kicker, the latest thing I saw that resonated with my current state: