A Return to Love - Marianne Williamson

this being on youtube probably isn't legal, but i decided to share before it gotten taken down.

A Return to Love - Marianne Williamson - Audiobook Full 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_3WtXO8rjo

On a summer morning

On a summer morning
I sat down
on a hillside
to think about God -

a worthy pastime.
Near me, I saw
a single cricket;
it was moving the grains of the hillside

this way and that way.
How great was its energy,
how humble its effort.
Let us hope

it will always be like this,
each of us going on
in our inexplicable ways
building the universe.

—Song of the Builders by Mary Oliver

Hard Choices

http://www.ted.com/talks/ruth_chang_how_to_make_hard_choices

Why being faced with hard choices brings you closer to who you are meant to be in this life.

Your Flaws Make You Flawless (and 5 ways to embrace it)

Your Flaws Make You Flawless (and 5 ways to embrace it)

“You are wholeness. Not good, not bad.  Perfect by your imperfections.”

I heard this sentence in yoga class at age 21. From what I can remember, the Yoga Instructor started the conversation with explaining the root of a Sanskrit word, and somehow led into revealing this nugget of knowledge; “You are whole, not perfect, but whole.”

 I was born into a religious community that believed in “Original sin.” Confession was a regular sacrament.  This inherent badness needed to be cleansed from the soul. Yet no amount of Confession would ever clear it away. Cleanliness is next to godliness?

But what if I was enough? Wholly, uniquely myself, without looking for forgiveness or reasons to legitimize my worth? 

We all grow up with societal pressures.  Even with the most emotionally supportive parents, you can’t help but begin to hear “you’re too fat”, “You’re not tall enough”, “….skinny enough”, “…black enough”, “enough.” They say at age nine, girls reach their peak of self-esteem and then it begins to submerge into the murky waters of self-doubt*. 

Over happy hour, I recently spoke about this self-esteem epidemic with a friend. She abruptly broke out into reciting a Beyoncé song, “Pretty Hurts”: 

“Perfection is a disease of a nation, pretty hurts, pretty hurts/Pretty hurts, we shine the light on whatever's worst/We try to fix something but you can't fix what you can't see/It's the soul that needs the surgery”

I wouldn’t call myself a knowledgeable Beyoncé fan. If I hear her music on the radio I always do turn it up, but I had no idea about this song. As my friend sat across from me, uttering the last line, we both had glimmers of tears in our eyes as the last word, “surgery” dropped heavy on the bar top. The tears weren’t necessarily sad tears; they represented the realization of how delusional we are when it comes to doubting our self-worth.

The idea that you are enough, just the way you are, is an empowering concept - if one allows themselves to believe it. Once you believe that all your flaws make you flawless and that you are not good or bad, but simply you - the whole, limber body, beating heart, breathing you – an undeniable spring is put in your step. Your sulk becomes a strut.

Some people already know their true worth. They hold their heads high and do not question those silly, negative, self-hating thoughts, or believe people that make them feel small. But others need more practice. Case in point – yours truly.

How am I no longer continuing to be my own worst enemy? How am I reversing the unhealthy habit of negative self-thought? What was the first step in my healing? One afternoon, I looked into the mirror in my bathroom. No makeup or shower fog stood between me and my reflection. I had to face my whole self. I stared straight into my eyes and asked, “Do you think you’re worthwhile?”

Whether or not a tear rolls down your cheek doesn’t matter. Let the tears pour, let the words fall out of your mouth, feel the powerful step you just took. By taking this first step you’re beginning to disable and throw away the shitty, cheap, plastic toy block foundation of self-hate you’ve built within yourself.  You are now setting the first stone of a formidable marble masterpiece: a foundation of self-love and acceptance.

Like any significant change, this will take time, patience, and practice. Don’t expect an overnight fix. Don’t get mad at yourself. Some days, it will seem impossible to love yourself. But most days, the smallest effort of self-love will contribute to yielding a bed of roses for your whole soul to lie in. 

Here are some ways I cultivate self-love and appreciate my whole, flawlessly flawed self: 

1. I pamper myself: Mani/Pedi, Restorative yoga class, haircut, new dress, whatever makes you feel taken care of and comfortable.

2. I eat healthy and exercise on the regular: “Your body is a temple.” Treat it with the respect it deserves. Working out to lose weight is fine, but more importantly, you loving yourself by keeping your mind and body healthy. 

3. I do not compare myself to others: “Comparison is the thief of joy” – There is only one you. If you are going to be brave enough to be your authentic self, go all out! Be true to your winning characteristics and improve upon the ones you think you can master more. 

4. I embrace my talents and discover new ones: Do what makes you feel alive as often as possible. If you have a creative spirit, create. Following a passion is the sure way to success. If you have no idea what you’re good at, take a class and see if you uncover a hidden talent. 

5. I find a space to just be: Claim a park bench, library, coffee house, your bedroom and just be. Prioritize taking at least 10-15 minutes every day to just be and connect with yourself. Meditation can help this. 

Ok, no go on with your whole self.  

*http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Mirror_Mirror_Wall/

my mojo is back :)

i saw the white whale biking down my street last night coming home from work.  in the past i would've gotten a heavy gut punch drop in my stomach, or embarrassment, shame. 

i felt nothing. not sadness, not happiness, but
indifference.

it was as if a stranger passed me on a bike. Could this be a sign the last embers of heartbreak are finally being doused out? i sure hope so. Time does heal; that's a cliche cuz it's true.
also it helps that i finally see him as a dumb ass and not a missed opportunity.

i went to a book release last night. a really attractive man chatted me up and eventually asked for my number.

my MOJO IS BACK.
i love myself more than i used to. i'm more confident. i think the positive energy i feel is noticeable and that is why more men are approaching me.

i stopped giving a fuck about what everyone thinks and what everyone says i should do. now i just do what i want and it seems to me that it's working.

Spain vs. El Salvador

I went to a pro soccer match  w/ my friends.  One of these friends happens to be friends w/ a swarthy spaniard. I tailgated with a dozen or more SPANIARDS. I was in heaven to say the least. After the game we went dancing and i got make out with a tall dark and handsome man to spanish music. I moved my hips and he was a good dancer and he finally went in for the kiss. Lots of kisses. I said, "besame mucho" - i knew it had something to do with kissing. So he starting kissing me a lot. Today i looked it up and it said, "kiss me a lot."
:)
I hope he kisses me a lot more. besame mucho mas.

I dunno if we will see each other again. I gave him my number, but that doesn't mean anything in this town.

But the dancing, him kissing my lips and collar bone and his hands in my hair -

it made me believe for a second that maybe someone, someday will like me again as much as i like them. maybe there will be a boy who likes me and wants to kiss my collar bone and dance with me mucho.

band-aid

 


i look at your facebook page and see you with another new girl.
i'm ripping a band-aid off my arm, taking a bit of skin and hair with it.
eventually the ripping won't hurt anymore and
i won't even need the band-aid. 
but until then (i think it'll be here sooner than later),

i have a salve,
and friends,
and dreams so big
my arms do not fit around them.

waiting is very hard.
and believing in something you cannot see
or have never met is
even more difficult.

but that is how hope is sewn together,
how quilts are made,
how tides of people change things.

i am much stronger and older than i was last year,
i am more hopeful too.
it is all happening.
with no plans i am
full of possibilities.