Marinating on MARONATION tour

Two things i learned from last night's Marc Maron show: #1) Vulnerability is the most magnificent quality you can offer. Unfortunately, it is the hardest to do, b/c of negative past situations of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of. BUT if you can trust and put yourself out there, I believe it will pay you back ten fold and make life richer. If you can be your true self and not care what others think, that is the most beautiful thing. #2) I am intentionally going to try to date more FUNNY men. I laughed SO hard last night. Laughter is so important. If you could spend time with someone who makes you laugh, instead of makes you cry and be the bug in their emotionally fucked up spider web, life is SO much better. I'm tired of trying to fix men that cannot be fixed by anyone but themselves. I want to be around a man that can light me up and make me laugh until my belly hurts and there are (HAPPY) tears in my eyes. 

 


 This morning i received a shit storm of texts messages out of the blue from RPJ. He said he feels that he cannot trust me and that all he can focus on is when I will dump him. Therefore he has put a barrier up and cannot open up to me anymore. He cites something i said JOKINGLY months ago in a bar: 
"I'm going to date old men, then when I want kids, dump them for a young guy." I was joking. 

I've assured him that I don't actually believe this. That my actions speak more than my words. But still he says he can't trust me. 

So I replied, "Obviously I can't control your feelings. Only you can come to those conclusions. If it bothers you then that's probably a personal message telling you to go in a different direction."

What I really wanted to say was, "Please Go fuck yourself." But I didn't. 

I am officially DRAINED from this vampire. I have nothing left to give, no more tears to be cried. There is nothing else to do or say. It's OVER. 

It's unfortunate that it took so long for me to let go of him. I wanted to hold on. But sometimes, holding on is more painful than letting go. 

I never want to have to "convince" a man to trust, love, or be with me. I do not have time for complicated, dark, emotional damage of someone else. I barely have time for my own. Which thankfully, isn't that much. 

I got the waitress job and the manager eventually wants me to bar tend. :) 
Walking from the interview to the Marc Maron show last night, i felt the small arms of a little girl run at my and grab my waist. It was my reading buddy from the Literacy program i volunteer with. She was with her family walking home and all smiles, saying how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait to get back to the program in a couple weeks (the school is on break). 

Even though parts of my life feel fucked up from the outside they really aren't. I feel like yesterday was this turning point for me. I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am trusting in the Universe and I believe if I can stay true to myself and remain kind through the bad shit, Life will continue to be a rich ride. I feel like I've finally stepped into the changing flow of the ocean of Life and I'm not as scared or stressed anymore. It's like I now know deep inside everything is going to be ok.  

Thoughts of late, not for the faint of heart.

I thought as I got older I would find more answers, but every year I just have more questions.

The RPJ has wiggled his way back into my life. But the dynamic is different. I no longer care too much about what he thinks, and I do what I want with him. I know this is not a great stage to be on with him, but I'm tired of trying to control it. He is in my life for now and who knows if he will drift out again.

I'd like to date two other men. I'd like to be exclusive. But it seems this is difficult to find. And to be honest, some days I want to be exclusive, but then my actions say I just want to continue to date and have fun. I do not know what I want when it comes to men.

MMJC is a man I'd like to know more. But we are both hippies and do not care to fight for that.  Ha! I spent my entire snow day on Thursday with MMJC. We drank beers and spoke about books, religion, all the big questions.

My 2nd snow day on Friday was spent with RPJ, white whale. We looked at photography books, watched "Gimme Shelter" on the Rolling Stones, Maron and Broad City. We made tacos for dinner and snuggled. We talked about his new documentary also known as his life's work for the past three years. He works so hard and stresses so much. He would die for his work and that is what scares me. He literally has gone over and over again into very dangerous places for his passion. This is what both scares me and intrigues me. We exist in limbo together. When he is with me I enjoy it, but he is always gone. He is going to Chicago and Toronto in the next two weeks. I hope he doesn't go back to conflict work, but that's what he does, it's inevitable. there is no other option. that's why I don't think we can be together. as long as he is going in and out of two worlds like that, there's no use to try.

Saturday morning I was walking to my volunteer tutoring gig. I got to the school and the program leader told me it was cancelled, sorry! So I walked back to my place. on the corner, I hear this deep voice behind me yell, "yo bitch!" I was sooo scared. I thought I was about to get mugged. I turn around and it is MMJC!!! that bastard was laughing, he sure did startle me. He was in the neighborhood checking in on his apartment he rents out. He also was scouting out a house for his gay couple friends in Mexico. They want an old DC house. So me and MMJC went into a house. But it was a complete wreck. Way too much of a fixer upper. When we parted ways we gave a kiss to each other on the sidewalk in broad day light. I liked that.

My hipster crush got into a bike accident last night and split his chin open.  I hope he is ok!!!

I am going to Key West at the end of the month and I plan on taking my time there to re-center and be on a beach and soak in the surroundings. I also am starting to get ancy again and a part of me wants to plot my next adventure. is it bad that I cannot stay in one place too long? is it bad that I do not like to stay too long in one place? I am addicted to change, yet it is also the one thing in this world that scares the shit out of me most. Why is that?

I am torn. I am torn between staying in one place, getting a job that pays more, make a dent in my loans, be responsible, travel more and buy more sophisticated clothes.

The other part of my soul wants to find a job that pays in Italy - short term - go there and write and take pictures and live and discover.

So how would I do this is the big big question. I have no idea. I want to think about that in Key West. A curse and blessing of my personality is that I function better with long term goals. Once I complete goals I must move onto another. It's nice because I get a lot done, but I forget to live in the moment and relish in my accomplishments. Sometimes I burn myself out if i'm not careful - it's not pretty; lots of self-loathing and despair.

I do feel very lucky. there are many blessings in my life. But there is this emptiness, this restlessness I still have that I have no idea how to cure. Maybe just do what I want and that will answer the questions? Life is so mysterious and confusing.
 

Fuck yes

I went out with a friend last night. I had some beers. I showed her pictures of the two drastically older men I'm interested in. One of whom is my ex.

She looked at me and said
"OMG. No. You are way too nice and too funny and too beautiful to date these losers!!! You deserve someone who's going to take you on dates and want to date you."

I got a text from RPJ when i got home.

I called him twice he didn't pick up.

I said I'd rather talk on the phone.

So then I proceed to drop TRUTH BOMBS on his phone.

I don't know if what I did was right.

Basically I told him
Shit or get off the pot. Just in many more words.

I spoke my truth, so I'm not going to feel bad about it. I just hate it when a girl speaks her mind and a man labels her as "psycho or crazy" - when in actuality I'm just looking to cleanse my life of the BULLSHIT which he sprays onto it.

It's so complicated and painful and I don't have time for this shit!!!!

Did I do the "right" thing? Am I missing out on the greatest love of my life? I don't think so, since I would hope the greatest love of my life WOULD ACTUALLY TREAT ME WITH MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE.  i feel the love from him. Just no respect. 

the love song that's stuck in my head

 










Friday night i went out with friends, then met up with Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw. We had a few drinks and it was fun to talk and spend time w/ him. there was no kissing cuz i was sick. I haven't heard back from him since :/ i texted him today, so we'll see if he says hello.

Last night i got a text from RPJ, my ex. He asked what I was up to and that he was glad we were talking again and we should hang out soon. I called him. He told me he was at a bar around the corner from me.

So i threw on my coat and went to have a few drinks with my "buddy".

we continue to drink. he pays for all my drinks. he takes my hand in his hand and tells me why it's so hard for him. why he disappears on women. why he gets scared. he tells me about being in a helicopter, sitting across from a medic and a man with his brain coming out of his mouth.

you've been through some heavy shit, I agree.

he tells me he's always been this way. he gets really into someone then pulls away.

you're testing me. seeing if i'll still be there. still hang out and be cool and be there when you come back.

he values his loner-ness. his solitaire. he wants someone who will be ok with that. that's why he  leaves or suddenly doesn't talk to me for a long time.

you keep holding my hand. you say your father's death doomed us. we would be together if not for that loss. you weren't present and couldn't find your way back.
you tell me i'm cute, you tell me you're being seduced. "you're seducing me."
you love my hands. they feel so good, they're so soft. you rub them and hold them tight. you squeeze my arms and hands. you laugh when i get pink in the cheeks and tell me, "you're turning red." i say no it's just the lighting. you say no. don't be silly. you love that i'm so playful.

we start speaking in italian. anchio te. mi piace luigino.
i tell you how heartbroken i was.
we cash out. you walk me back to my place. it's so so cold and windy. we get inside my lobby and we kiss. my lips and yours dancing. all i'm thinking in my head is i want you. i'm thinking it so loud and so hard that i swear you hear my mind through our kissing.

are lips are dancing with the occasional scratch from your stubble.
we head downstairs to my apartment. i hope my roommate is not up because if she is she will give me an eye roll and make me feel like a high school student misbehaving in detention.
she's not up thank god. i tell you to go to my room while i make the tea.
i show you the camera my parents gave me, their 80s Canon. this was your first camera you say.
you fool with it and show me how it works, where the battery is. i love you.
i pour the tea and you're already lying down in my unmade bed. you're comfortable.
i put down the tea and you barely sips any. you tell me to come here and snuggle. but we don't even snuggle too long before we are kissing.

we lay in bed and my alarm goes off. the day must begin. my routine calls. i wash my face and dress and make my lunch.
we walk down the street. it's still cold. i am humming good morning music. "good morning, good morning, it's great to stay up late" - "oh what a beautiful morning"
"do you always sing in the morning?"
 "no ... wait, ya i guess i do! i hum and sing to myself."

we part ways and say see ya. you go up the street and i go to work. i still love you but i no longer am waiting for you. i can't wait. i must live out this novel of my life. with or without you.

is it wrong that last night happened? no. it just happened. this is life. all i do is what feels good, what is right in the moment. maybe it's not in the long run. but i no longer live for others rules. i live for my own rules. as long as i feel comfortable and good, i'm saying yes. life is too short to worry and hate myself. life is to love myself, every inch. all the good and bad bits. it's gorgeous and completely one of a kind.


sleeping next to him felt so good. a little part of me loves him after all this and that is the part i think rules my head even when it shouldn't.
the question is, do i want to wait around for him to figure it out? no i don't.

i definitely feel our dynamics are different now, though. i've kicked him off his pedestal and he is just another man. Unfortunately i am still in love with this man.

It's not as simple as saying I'm never going to see him again and cut him out. I can't do it. I've tried.

It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.

 

He's baccckkkkkkk

My ex - the one that broke my heart last year - sent me an OUT OF THE BLUE email of hello on Sunday. I said something back, light, breezy, not asking any questions.

Ex: What's up?

Me: Thanksgiving was great, blah blah bye

Ex: Sounds good to me.

hours later

Ex: If you want to catch up or hang out after you get back let me know.

I haven't answered. I don't know if I will. He brought so much pain into my life.

These are the only two reasons I waiver:
1) I still find him devastatingly physically attractive. Like one of the hottest men ever.
2) There is a 5% within me that wants to believe he wants to right all the wrongs, do it "right" this time and love me the way I deserve. There is that very small part I want to believe which is: He loves me and wants to be with me.

But the 95%  knows the truth. The 95% of me cannot forget the countless times during our short time dating that he let me down, made me feel worthless, made me feel like I wasn't a priority. And that's the part I need to remember. I was SO MISERABLE when we were dating. Most of the time sucked and there were brief glimmers of amazingness. Those were the ones i wanted to believe in. But there wasn't enough of good. I constantly questioned my self-worth, confidence, sexiness, even words I said b/c I so badly wanted to please this asshole man. He dangled the relationship in my face, but only if i followed his rules. That's not love. That's manipulative bullshit of a true Narcissistic. The fact that he is contacting me out of the blue is proof of this as well.Also - I do not believe I'm the only one he's emailed this to. I suspect he has a long list of women like me - those he contacts for praise and/or sex when he's in between women and feeling insecure. What an asshole!!!

But there's that little part of me that wants him to take me out for drinks and tell me how wrong he was. But I know that would most likely end in some sort of fake reconciliation (sex) and would follow by months of an emotional roller coaster.

I need to make the right decision for me right now. That is - based on past knowledge - that I cannot ever engage with this man ever again. Even though I still have that 5% that craves the idea of him - the reality of him is not the same. The reality is that he's a selfish man with lots of problems. I need to protect myself this time. This is about self-preservation more than anything else. I love myself more than him. By far.

But why does it have to be this hard?

I can't wait until I meet someone who truly wants to love me, not just play games and be a shitty person. I've had more horrible things happen than good at dating and to be honest, the reason I haven't had a date in so long is fear and trauma. I realize this is not "special". I'm not the only one who has gone through these things, everyone goes through this. I just don't know what incentive there is to dating since every time I put my trust in someones hands they literally take it and smash it into 1,000 pieced before dumping me.

Dear God give me the strength to resist this bastard for once and for all!!!!

my mojo is back :)

i saw the white whale biking down my street last night coming home from work.  in the past i would've gotten a heavy gut punch drop in my stomach, or embarrassment, shame. 

i felt nothing. not sadness, not happiness, but
indifference.

it was as if a stranger passed me on a bike. Could this be a sign the last embers of heartbreak are finally being doused out? i sure hope so. Time does heal; that's a cliche cuz it's true.
also it helps that i finally see him as a dumb ass and not a missed opportunity.

i went to a book release last night. a really attractive man chatted me up and eventually asked for my number.

my MOJO IS BACK.
i love myself more than i used to. i'm more confident. i think the positive energy i feel is noticeable and that is why more men are approaching me.

i stopped giving a fuck about what everyone thinks and what everyone says i should do. now i just do what i want and it seems to me that it's working.

band-aid

 


i look at your facebook page and see you with another new girl.
i'm ripping a band-aid off my arm, taking a bit of skin and hair with it.
eventually the ripping won't hurt anymore and
i won't even need the band-aid. 
but until then (i think it'll be here sooner than later),

i have a salve,
and friends,
and dreams so big
my arms do not fit around them.

waiting is very hard.
and believing in something you cannot see
or have never met is
even more difficult.

but that is how hope is sewn together,
how quilts are made,
how tides of people change things.

i am much stronger and older than i was last year,
i am more hopeful too.
it is all happening.
with no plans i am
full of possibilities. 

reflections, red flags

sometimes old memories of people hit you out of nowhere.

i have to share this red flag that at one time I willingly ignored.  It was what I call a "red flag on fire."

i remember laying in bed the morning after, talking about our creative interests. he asked me if I wanted to be a photographer. I said "no, but I want to learn how to take better photographs."

"good. my ex was a photographer and that was," he rolls his eyes and gets grim.

"no. I don't want to be a photographer. I'm more into writing; that's where my creativity is."

"what kind of writing?"

"short stories, creative fiction."

"i don't like that. Fiction. Only historical narratives and real things."



HAHAHA.


wtf.

afterthoughts

it's really hard to see an ex run around your neighborhood with his new gal. still trying to get over this fact. i wonder when i'll ever get over it/him.
soon i hope.




it's odd how even when you know you are not meant to be w/ someone and you no longer want to be with them because they make you sick to your stomach, your emotions still act like you want to be with them. Even though you KNOW he was the biggest douchebag you've ever met in the whole entire world.

Connect the Dots.

Last night i went to a 90s cover band with my friends and had lots of fun. We danced to santaria and hootie and the blowfish - "i only wanna be with you". I texted the guys who asked for my number last weekend and neither of them came. One was "in Baltimore" (i don't know if that was true) and one JUST NEVER ANSWERED.

It's weird when guys ask for your number, text you saying they want to see you and then never respond to any of your texts. But I think it's just because they were bored when they initially asked you for the number and weren't actually into you. Maybe they thought they were when they were alone at a bar. Mostly though I just think that's inconsiderate dick-like behavior. But who am I to judge.

We then went to the corner bar at 1:30 am where all the black men thought i was hot and all the white men were way too young, too handsy and i had to call them out and remove them from my general dancing circle. Race had nothing to do with this, it was just the weird unexplainable thread of the night.

It was beautiful to be out with a group of girlfriends. i really liked that. There is something about drinking beers and dancing to good music with women; and you don't care if men are there or looking at you.

After the last bar i walked to my apartment with my roomie and was hungry and wanted 2:45 in the morning food. She did too. So i went to the pizza shop around the corner and got in line. While in line i see THE WHITE WHALE in the corner of my eye with his fellow photo journalist friend chatting. "FUCKKKKKK," was my first thought. The next thought was, "REALLY?  ... ... ... really...?!" Then the third thought was, "pretend he isn't here."

But of course he was an adult and mature and came over on his way out to say hello to me. Which included a European kiss on both cheeks - I'm attributing that to his suspected drunkeness. He introduced me to his friend. I was graceful and appropriate (yet again) and felt ok about that. Although I've forgiven him, I'm not ready to see him on a 3 times a month basis. I don't want to think about him anymore. It's like when you're happy that your ex is married but you don't need to look at the Facebook album of his wedding day. It's like that. We never ran into each other this much before we dated, why is it more now???

This leads me to question what the Universe is trying to tell me. Am I not getting over this fast enough? Am I being tested by the Universe to prove that I'm "really" over him? Or maybe it's not cosmic at all. Maybe it's not telling me anything. Maybe it's just the truth and that is what happens when you live 10 blocks away from a guy you used to date and abruptly crushed your hopes of a new romance in half and then threw it like dust into the garbage.

Maybe the Universe is just telling me "you gotta keep on trucking, protect your beautiful sass, and cut the assholes off the team."

I don't know what the lesson is and i most likely will not see it until next year. Things that happen in your life are like a "connect-the-dots" picture. You don't see how it all makes sense until you are done and realize that point 1-2 is the arm and 5-10 is the nose and well duh, of course it was a horse!!!! Really though I hope i don't see him anymore it sucks.

give hugs.

i saw the white whale in the grocery store on the 17th. i heard my name being called from across the crowded aisle. and somehow i was transformed into a holy deity. I had a graceful conversation and even GAVE A HUG to the white whale.  For some reason I felt a great compassion in that moment.  I realized I had moved on and forgiven him and he still felt bad for hurting me.

Sometimes the right thing to do is just be nice to those who need it more than you, rather than bitter.i realized the white whale needed a hug of forgiveness more than a punch in the face of bitterness.

WORD. new anthem.

When we used
To say goodnight
I'd always kiss
And hold you tight
But lately
You don't seem
To care
You close the door
And leave me
Standing there
Oh, honey
That's not fair
That's it
I quit
I'm movin' on

The other night
We had a date
And you showed up
Two hours late
And though your hair
Was all in place
Somebody smeared
Their lipstick
On your face
Oh, they smeared it
Every place
Yeah that's it honey
I quit I'm movin' on

Oooohhhh

You made me want you
You made me leave you
You made me tumble
And fall
But if I
Can't have you the way
I want you
I don't want you at all

Baby, I can take a lot
Cause I love
Everything you got
Though your kisses
Fill me
So if you got
Someone else
I gotta go
Oh, that you know
Yeah that's it honey
I quit I'm movin' on

Oooohhhh

You made me want you
You made me leave you
You made me tumble
And fall
But if I
Can't have you the way
I want you
I don't want you at all

Baby
I can take a lot
Cause I love
Everything you got
Though your kisses
Fill me
So if you got
Someone else
I gotta go
Oh, that you know
So that's it baby
I quit now I'm movin' on
So that's it baby
I quit now
I'm movin' on

ahab goes to an art gallery.

I'm going out tonight w/ the white whale to an art gallery....of course. last night we spoke on the phone for 2 hours. This seems to be becoming a regular occurrence. Once we start talking we just have so much to share and we want to get it all out, like we don't have enough time or something.

he told me a lot about himself. he was an open book and shared some pretty major details about him and his life thus far. i deeply appreciated this. but I'm not so ready to tell those things about myself. it's too soon and i gotta trust before any of that happens. and that takes me awhile. i can pretend trust, ignore it's absence - that's easy. but actually trusting with a whole heart is difficult for me.

to love someone too much is a great risk; but miracles still happen and sometimes things come true.
It reminds me of the scene in "Moonstruck" when the mother says to the daughter:

[Loretta announces she's going to marry Johnny Camareri]
Cosmo Castorini: I don't like him.
Rose: You're not going to marry him, Cosmo. Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: No.
Rose: Good.
[She looks at Cosmo]
Rose: When you love them they drive you crazy because they know they can.

 Then later in the movie when Rose decides to marry the man she is REALLY in love with:
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: Aw, ma, I love him awful.
Rose: Oh, God, that's too bad.

The White Whale has lived longer than i have. He has more experiences. Yet, we click. We never run out of things to say and i find him devastatingly handsome, like so handsome it has a sweet pain attached to it. sort of like "la dolore exquisite" only i think there is a big chance i will be with him. He's irresistible.

He tripped me up a couple times on the phone with questions and he got quite a kick out of making me go silent. Not many people do that to me.
"So how is it that you don't you have a boyfriend?"
...

I cherish the fact that he wants to go at a glacial speed. I've had to many failures based on lightening speed lustful attractions. It's time to try something new. I want an exclusive partner who wants to get to know me, the true, real me; not just the physical. I'm over that and want the full experience of truly loving someone else.

AHAB HAS CAUGHT THE WHITE WHALE, bitches.

The white whale came over to watch a movie in my turf last night. We ended up cuddling and then smooching as long as we could.

We're trying to stay in an introductory phase for as long as we can. We don't wanna get ahead of ourselves. Even though we find each other incredibly attractive. He is a man's man. Tall, dark (silver fox actually), Italian (meaning he speaks it sometimes which is...!!!), and so so very handsome. and the whole occupation doesn't hurt either. there is a high voltage charge between us that's too much to temper at times, but i'm going to try.

On the subject of books, The White Whale said, he only reads historical narratives.

i chided him and said he isn't giving reading a chance if he's only reading one genre. He replied, "i've read Moby Dick four times, though."

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT.
that was almost too crazy to believe. 

We watched a George Clooney film and then i put on Roman Holiday. The white whale said,
"Gregory Peck is best in the old version of Moby Dick."

 

WHATTTTTTTTT.

yes, y'all. this really happened. Ms. Ahab finally caught her fish and my did it taste so succulent.

I'm excited to see what the future holds for us. This time I'm excited because we are taking it at a glacial pace. This is a new concept to me. But I've reached a point in my life where I'd rather take my sweet time and invest, rather than waste it all in one shot and be disappointed.

fotos, booze & boys

I will be causing a ruckus in our fair city this weekend and it pleases me to no end.
 


Upon getting ready tonight i will be listening to this song full blast. No, i do not agree with the blatant misogyny the song is founded on, but i love that GD tune!!!

 

tonight I am attending a city photography organization's annual photo week launch party complete with music, OPEN bar, and art ART AND MORE ART. i got the ticket for free, valued at $60.00 :)

Music, booze, and art. My personal paradise. 

The only BAD thing that could happen would be if the WHITE WHALE showed up. It is his crowd's sort of thing. But I'm sure he's too jaded by such imbibing and fuss over art he's already seen. We'll see. I can't say i wouldn't be GIDDY AS A SCHOOLGIRL if he was there to see me in my tight little black dress. 

I was also invited by my gypsy jazz guitar playing neighbor to a belated-themed-Halloween bash. Of course I could not refuse the offer. boys & booze at that one.

 

Saturday welcomes a DJ that only plays soul 45s at a local bar/resto in my hood. I don't even have to travel to get my groove on. VERY excited to dance to Hipster's avenue. I actually had a DREAM last night i was dancing to this very song and everyone was looking at me with shame and embarrassment and i couldn't figure out why. Was this a prophetic apparition? Only time will tell. 

Sunday morning i am going to a exercise class and then brunch. W/ Levo League gals! I've discovered my new haremmmmmm.

 

Sunday night i am going to see JAMES BLAKE!!!!!!

He actually does have the voice of an angel. and the vices too.

You'll never guess

Ok. So now i am seriously thinking the Universe has moved beyond playing pranks on me and is actually trying to tell me something significant. cuz nothing makes sense anymore!

You'll never guess who emailed me to mention "that we should hang out and catch up soon - and did i see you walking down the street last week?" And yet i then saw him today running with his lady friend of last Sunday??? I don't even know if he's single. Does he really JUST want to be friends. He's just too sexy for me to do that with him.

The WHITE WHALE, the RPJ, returns and i really wanna know the beginning of this story, or the end of it.

if anything does happen and Ahab finally catches the White Whale, you'll be the first to know about it, dear reader.

like i said. BIG if.

i really think he's just playing tag with me, adult style.

Crushed and Conquered.

I finally stopped having a crush on the RPJ about a month ago. i realized he had no interest in me, i was too young for him, and i needed to stop wasting my thoughts on him.

Yet - i couldn't really stop thinking about him because that man is so GD hawt. So I never really did. I still would imagine us on the island of cyprus, in bora bora, or bali, drinking beers, and having amazing sex.





Of course i realize this would never happen but that is half the fun in day-dreaming, isn't it? if it could or would happen it wouldn't be so fun to think about. Anywho - i never really stopped fantasizing about the RPJ.

And today i think the Universe decided to fuck with me.

Today i left my house in the later part of the afternoon. I was in a great mood. I got dressed in my cute hemp crocheted hippie "Almost Famous"-like shirt and put some makeup on my face. nothing fancy but let's just say i was fucking RADIATING today for some apparent reason. You know, the days when you get dressed up and you just feel great about how you look and confident? it was one of those awesome days.



I went outside, walking around my neighborhood and was looking at everything, soaking it all in. As i walked down the sidewalk i saw NONE OTHER THAN THE RPJ walking towards me on this lovely Sunday afternoon with his lady friend of the moment.

I could see the "oh fuck" expression in his face. if you've read my posts before you know this man was/is like my WHITE WHALE. my moby FUCKing dick. The one guy i really want but will most likely never have - but i'm willing to act a fool and do anything to possibly get him. I AM CAPTAIN AHAB in this situation, basically.





So i saw the "oh fuck" expression - or maybe just a "awkward" expression. BUT instead of being awkward back, or adding to the "most painfully awkward interactions i've ever had with a man" top ten list that is included with every single time i've ever seen the RPJ, i decided to play it cool. i gave my most disarming, sweet smile, said "Hey, RPJ*" and on top of everything I LOOKED REALLY FUCKING BEAUTIFUL TODAY.

(*sidenote: his name - which i can't write in this blog post just in case he ever would somehow see this post, even though he will most likely never will - is the most delicious name to come out of your mouth. You feel flirty and free saying it and you wish you could whisper it in his ear so badly, but like i said, he is my Moby Dick. When you have a crush on someone, their name is so beautiful to hear and you just wanna write it into a song and sing it in the shower, hear it bouncing off the walls, enveloping your ears and echoing back to you. This may sound like crazy-talk, but hard-core crushes include intense adoration like the sounds of names or the weird observance of the way they walk or wondering how they look stark naked.)

He responded with a warm smile, hello, and how are you as well. He was with a woman who i suspect is older than me. He must be into women his age. But i swear if he just gave me an afternoon i'd change his mind.


The reason i'm even bothering to write about this interaction is because I'm so happy I was able to have at least ONE NON-PAINFULLY AWKWARD interaction with the crush that rejected me. It's hard to see someone who you asked out on a date and rejected you. It's not something you want to do every Sunday. But I'm glad i took the opportunity to make amends and just "be cool." At least now i can hope he doesn't realize how big of a crush i had on him and how embarrassed i was when i was around him before.


I like to think someday this will not all be so hard.

Fleeting in either case.

All the boys want to kiss you when they're leaving, but i guess they want to kiss you when you make a grand entrance too. Fleeting in either case.

The hawt ginge bartender has asked me out.

The RPJ responded to my three month old email with an obscure, short email and a Linked-in request?

A boy from the west coast has checked up on me as he occasionally does, although i wish he called me.

A boy who is in love with a blonded-haired southern belle keeps texting me, yet desperately avoiding any contact and i do not know why - since my crush on him faded three months after kissing him on a sweaty September Texas night - therefore i no longer want to jump his bones, but i guess he thinks i do? oh men.

I have a date this week Wed (Hot Canadian Man Whore), Thursday (Wonderful Guy), Sun (Hawt Ginge Bar tender).

Friday and Saturday are to myself. But i am going to try to avoid meeting anymore boys, b/c right now it is at 5 (Lawyer and John Mayer were not mentioned this week) and it is beginning to become difficult to keep straight.

I guess this is a lesson in balance? also there is such a thing as too much attention.

They never learn.

The RPJ (rogue photo journalist) has finally given me the official boot; even if unknowingly (which my ego wants to believe). that hot ass man decided to invite 250 people via Facebook to a lecture he is giving next week. i was not among the invitees. 26 women are "going" - 26 hot washington d.c. ladies that don't include yours truly.

He is 45; almost more than half my age.

YET i had the hots for him?!

What can i say, i always liked older men. BUT i've recently learned that they are a waste of my young time. Trying to seek younger. 5+ older. You  know, the normmmmmmmmmmmmm. ?????

lies.

everyone likes a sexy older man who can converse on many different subjects all the while seducing you;

or maybe that's just me.