Istanbul

I had my first Istanbul interview yesterday morning.

I'm thinking I do not need to make this decision; they will kind of make it for me if they pick me or not. But I can't help but think about the possibility. Right now, I have neither a yes or no feeling.


I mentioned this on my vacation with my parents. They were not pleased. But I am trying to not have their thoughts color my choice. I do not want to be that person who does things based on others opinions. I just want support if I choose to do it. It's not enough to have my own confidence. Still working on that.




 My two best friends are helping me and sharing their advice. They both say "do it," because like me they are adventurous badasses, too.

The pay is less than I make now. Contract from August '15 - June '16. Summer is paid and they hope you return for the next year, obviously.





Cost of living is CHEAPER than DC.

I don't know if I'd be saving any money if I did this, so it would be for the experience. My main concern is being able to support myself since I'll be far from home.

 It seems to be a pretty cheap place to live. I think I could have about $750-1000/month left over after rent and student loans, I should have enough to live comfortably and also do quite a bit of travel.

I flip flop between stress free security and poor adventure. 

Only time will tell. 


 

Girl on Guy, dating in the real world.

http://girlonguy.girlonguy.libsynpro.com/girl-on-guy-173-amber-tamblyn

Aisha Tyler and Amber Tamblyn talk internet dating 7 minutes in, and it's EXACTLY all my feelings about it. How social media fucks w/ the naturalness of dating and how it removes intimacies and replaces it with "rules" - ugh. i hate "dating." Also I'm not even dating right now I'm just have dalliances w/ sexy old men. :p

The Right Time

 


I got a Skype job interview with an international school in Istanbul. I'm not even thinking about the possibility of it happening yet. First I need to speak with them, see what they have to say and if it would be right for me.The job would be really fun I think, working in a school library K-12, collaborating with the teachers and tech team.

I asked my friend J, "well if I like what they had to say, would this be the right time to do it? I promised to myself I'd stay here for 3 years."

"What time is ever the "right time" to do these things?"

My mother seems to not be on board, says "it's too far away."

I've moved alone to cities before within the US, but never in a foreign country. A part of me is scared to do something like that all alone. But this is something I've always wanted to do and it has presented itself. I need more details.

Tickets to the rest of Europe from Istanbul are maximum $200.00. I could take weekend trips to Rome and Athens. :)

And as always, there is nothing much here currently for me anyways. I have friends, but other than that I own no home, I have no partner.

Only time will tell. I'm trusting the Universe to be my guide. I think if you're meant to do something, change your trajectory in a different way, you will know it. Listen to your gut it will give you the answers. And of course, don't be blind to coincidences, AKA divine signals. 

It's a blur

I applied to a Barista/Gelato part time job. What if I take my buddy's offer to be a bartender in the busy part of the city? That'd be hard, but i wonder if I'd make more money.

I feel myself transitioning into a new me. I feel tougher and a bit more fucked up. Tired. A 40 something waitress in New York City. A boxer who has come out of a ring. I feel like Steve McQueen. I am both proud and scared shitless, I am in love and lonely.





I sprained my ankle very badly last night. If you asked me i would tell you it was from running. But I will tell you the truth. It was from coming down from the roof deck with MMJC and our 5th beers. I set my foot down and the step dropped much farther than I had anticipated. But of course in the state i was in i laughed, no pain. But today holy shit it hurts.

I got a text from MMJC last night. I met him at my corner bar. He has known the owner for years. The owner sat with us and told us stories. The type of stories only a bar owner can tell you.

The bartender I went on a date with was working upstairs. I must confess part of the reason I went to see MMJC was to see what little drama would unfold. One of my flaws.

Bartender came down and I waved. He told me to come visit him upstairs but I wanted to talk to MMJC and Bar owner/Bartender's boss.

He came down later and I introduced MMJC to Bartender. We ALL sat together. At one point I was rubbing both their knees under the bar and neither of them noticed. I felt powerful. That's why I do the things I do.

I left the bar. Said bye to Bartender and MMJC leaving them together at the bar. As if I was leaving two ex-husbands at my house alone. 

I took a cab to MMJC place and we had a good night. I slept over and tried to wake up and went to work questioning everything that had seemed so solid and clear last night.

I don't want a boyfriend. I want to date three men all at the same time. It's sexy and thrilling and dramatic. At times it's quite messy and lonely and wrong. But the rush is incomparable. I feel like I'm living the way I want to. And I care less and less about the status quo. I think as long as I'm happy, that's all that matters.

I am going to try to stop seeing RPJ though. He holds my heart in his teeth - like a grenade ready to explode. There is no stable ground with him. MMJC is at least honest. We both know what is taking place.

I can predict i will break the Bartender's heart. But I don't want to.

But, are we ever truly happy? Even if i was happy I think I'd have something to complain about. Things can always be better, can't they? Or can we not just enjoy each simple pleasure? That's all we may get.

As you get older, things are so much more complicated. Blurry and no longer easy to categorize. I don't know a thing and as soon as I accepted that everything got easier.

Up in the air.

Things are up in the air right now.

I pay all my bills, but have no money for fun, travel, or emergencies. I can live poor or I can get a part time job while looking for a job that pays more. My current job cannot offer what I need.

I've applied for a bunch of jobs with the government and still am, but the government jobs take 8 months - 1 year to respond. SO - i need to figure out a temporary fix. 

I've been feeling like a big failure lately, because I have a Masters and thought I'd never have to get a part time job ever again. But I want to put a dent in my loans and like i said, travel more; or even be able to buy myself things! like new clothes and a fancy camera. I've been "living poor" since I moved out of the house at 22. I'm so over being so fucking poor. I realize I chose to live in a REALLY expensive city and i realize I chose to take out student loans.

I would not change getting a Masters because it allows me to go for the career I want more than any other (besides being a writer). And there is no other place in America right now that I'd rather be than in DC. So i do not regret these decisions, I just need to figure shit out in the interim till it gets better. Will it ever get better?

It's the work I must do to not be poor that I'm dreading. I work 40 hours a week already. I'd much rather work at a bookstore or tutor or something, but I know i could make good money waitressing. BUT waitressing is some of the hardest work one could do. It's not easy or relaxing. So do I get a job where i make more money but hate it, or a job i like that i don't make a lot of money at? When the whole point is money ...

MMJC is so so confusing. We've stop "seeing" each other. But we still text/sext each other????

I went on a date with this bartender - he's older, like they all are. I like him but I don't know if he has any drive. But does that matter to me? I'm not looking for a husband. I'm looking for a distraction to my wretched current life stage. Broke in my twenties. I just want to laugh, goddamnit!!!

Another bartender - do you see a pattern? - is trying to woo me in the traditional sense. he's not as old as the other one. But he's always texting me and calling me babe and i find it really annoying.

My ex is still in my life. I call him, he answers, we make love. It's a bad cycle we're in. Think Carrie & Big at there most toxic. That's it. But I don't really long for him anymore, it's more resentment and passion. great combo for a healthy relationship.

I still am obsessed with Marc Maron.

I've been writing a short story or two and sending it in. No publications, but writing is a small part of my life that makes me happier. Like I have something to live for. 

Sometimes I hate the words and advice my family and friends give me.  I know what I have to do but I don't want to. I don't like my problems pointed out to me - I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

A lot of times I just want to give up. Or run away to an island. Life is hard.These days I've been in a depression. I come home and throw the covers over my head. maybe eat or read then sleep. hoping somehow all my problems will all fade away. But they never do.

Unplugged

Hmmm. What is the latest:
~~~~

He tells me the phone will be off for the next ten days. A week later i decide to send him an email. He's yet to send me one. I send him a link to a funny compilation of vine videos.

"You've been hacked!"

"haha no, it's a funny vine video link, silly."

"Sorry. Eats up my phone data. write me something interesting."

"ok no more funny vine videos for you."

"That's too easy, put more work into sending me a note."


What an asshole. No. I'm not writing you back, asshole.







~~~

I sent in a short story to a bunch of places. Some that are NEVER even gonna read it. but what the hell. It felt great to put the story out there. It's a funny, comic-tragedy about a girl who does karaoke and gets Chlamydia (NO. it's NOT biographical. it's fiction!!!)

I got my first rejection email on it last night:

"I appreciate the look, but I'm going to pass on this one."
burnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. lolololol.

I think being a writer is like being an actor. Only with words. You have to put your work out there and get constantly rejected until someone thinks you're "write for the part."


 




~~~

I went on a date with a man named Jose. We have good conversation together. He has traveled to so many places and travels for work. i love hearing all his travel stories. We decided we will go salsa dancing together next time we see each other. :)

 

~~~

I went to a potluck my friend hosted. It was fun, but I may have drank a bit too much. And i think i offended at least one person. This one writer girl was very aloof and I took it as pretension. I voiced this after she left. No one agreed and I LOOKED like a mean girl. You live you learn.  :/

These two hipsters shared with me their visit to a secret restaurant in our neighborhood. You know, the apartments where a little Mexican woman cooks in her home and it's illegal and really good? That's what this is. And it turns out it's only a few blocks away from where i live! I MUST check it out.

 



~~~

I think I am dropping MMJC very soon. He is the ultimate bachelor and does not have as high as a sex drive as me. He will send me puns in text messages and NOT ask me to hang out??? So i guess all i am to him is a pun receiver now. GREATTTT. 

the latest was:








People are so weird. Especially men.


~~~

Last night I had a great conversation with my Mom. A lot of bad shit has been happening to her friends of late. She basically was just talking about how she has a new perspective and is no longer sweating the small stuff. She is seeing things on a much wider scale and not worrying about dumb shit. She is trying to have joy in her every day life, not just going through the motions, remembering to be present in the moment and appreciate life.

I could do that more often as well.

I'm going to Key West at the end of the month. I have this fantasy of going off the grid and deactivating my FB and turning off my phone for the ENTIRE time. I think I'm going to do that.

All I know for sure right now is that I should write more and continue to try live in the moment. When you only have those two goals, life becomes less stressful. I've been doing it for a week. :)

Divine intervention.

PRETTY MUCH.


http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-oconnell/2012/01/getting-your-life-together/

Thoughts of late, not for the faint of heart.

I thought as I got older I would find more answers, but every year I just have more questions.

The RPJ has wiggled his way back into my life. But the dynamic is different. I no longer care too much about what he thinks, and I do what I want with him. I know this is not a great stage to be on with him, but I'm tired of trying to control it. He is in my life for now and who knows if he will drift out again.

I'd like to date two other men. I'd like to be exclusive. But it seems this is difficult to find. And to be honest, some days I want to be exclusive, but then my actions say I just want to continue to date and have fun. I do not know what I want when it comes to men.

MMJC is a man I'd like to know more. But we are both hippies and do not care to fight for that.  Ha! I spent my entire snow day on Thursday with MMJC. We drank beers and spoke about books, religion, all the big questions.

My 2nd snow day on Friday was spent with RPJ, white whale. We looked at photography books, watched "Gimme Shelter" on the Rolling Stones, Maron and Broad City. We made tacos for dinner and snuggled. We talked about his new documentary also known as his life's work for the past three years. He works so hard and stresses so much. He would die for his work and that is what scares me. He literally has gone over and over again into very dangerous places for his passion. This is what both scares me and intrigues me. We exist in limbo together. When he is with me I enjoy it, but he is always gone. He is going to Chicago and Toronto in the next two weeks. I hope he doesn't go back to conflict work, but that's what he does, it's inevitable. there is no other option. that's why I don't think we can be together. as long as he is going in and out of two worlds like that, there's no use to try.

Saturday morning I was walking to my volunteer tutoring gig. I got to the school and the program leader told me it was cancelled, sorry! So I walked back to my place. on the corner, I hear this deep voice behind me yell, "yo bitch!" I was sooo scared. I thought I was about to get mugged. I turn around and it is MMJC!!! that bastard was laughing, he sure did startle me. He was in the neighborhood checking in on his apartment he rents out. He also was scouting out a house for his gay couple friends in Mexico. They want an old DC house. So me and MMJC went into a house. But it was a complete wreck. Way too much of a fixer upper. When we parted ways we gave a kiss to each other on the sidewalk in broad day light. I liked that.

My hipster crush got into a bike accident last night and split his chin open.  I hope he is ok!!!

I am going to Key West at the end of the month and I plan on taking my time there to re-center and be on a beach and soak in the surroundings. I also am starting to get ancy again and a part of me wants to plot my next adventure. is it bad that I cannot stay in one place too long? is it bad that I do not like to stay too long in one place? I am addicted to change, yet it is also the one thing in this world that scares the shit out of me most. Why is that?

I am torn. I am torn between staying in one place, getting a job that pays more, make a dent in my loans, be responsible, travel more and buy more sophisticated clothes.

The other part of my soul wants to find a job that pays in Italy - short term - go there and write and take pictures and live and discover.

So how would I do this is the big big question. I have no idea. I want to think about that in Key West. A curse and blessing of my personality is that I function better with long term goals. Once I complete goals I must move onto another. It's nice because I get a lot done, but I forget to live in the moment and relish in my accomplishments. Sometimes I burn myself out if i'm not careful - it's not pretty; lots of self-loathing and despair.

I do feel very lucky. there are many blessings in my life. But there is this emptiness, this restlessness I still have that I have no idea how to cure. Maybe just do what I want and that will answer the questions? Life is so mysterious and confusing.
 

Fuck yes

I went out with a friend last night. I had some beers. I showed her pictures of the two drastically older men I'm interested in. One of whom is my ex.

She looked at me and said
"OMG. No. You are way too nice and too funny and too beautiful to date these losers!!! You deserve someone who's going to take you on dates and want to date you."

I got a text from RPJ when i got home.

I called him twice he didn't pick up.

I said I'd rather talk on the phone.

So then I proceed to drop TRUTH BOMBS on his phone.

I don't know if what I did was right.

Basically I told him
Shit or get off the pot. Just in many more words.

I spoke my truth, so I'm not going to feel bad about it. I just hate it when a girl speaks her mind and a man labels her as "psycho or crazy" - when in actuality I'm just looking to cleanse my life of the BULLSHIT which he sprays onto it.

It's so complicated and painful and I don't have time for this shit!!!!

Did I do the "right" thing? Am I missing out on the greatest love of my life? I don't think so, since I would hope the greatest love of my life WOULD ACTUALLY TREAT ME WITH MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE.  i feel the love from him. Just no respect. 

the love song that's stuck in my head

 










Friday night i went out with friends, then met up with Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw. We had a few drinks and it was fun to talk and spend time w/ him. there was no kissing cuz i was sick. I haven't heard back from him since :/ i texted him today, so we'll see if he says hello.

Last night i got a text from RPJ, my ex. He asked what I was up to and that he was glad we were talking again and we should hang out soon. I called him. He told me he was at a bar around the corner from me.

So i threw on my coat and went to have a few drinks with my "buddy".

we continue to drink. he pays for all my drinks. he takes my hand in his hand and tells me why it's so hard for him. why he disappears on women. why he gets scared. he tells me about being in a helicopter, sitting across from a medic and a man with his brain coming out of his mouth.

you've been through some heavy shit, I agree.

he tells me he's always been this way. he gets really into someone then pulls away.

you're testing me. seeing if i'll still be there. still hang out and be cool and be there when you come back.

he values his loner-ness. his solitaire. he wants someone who will be ok with that. that's why he  leaves or suddenly doesn't talk to me for a long time.

you keep holding my hand. you say your father's death doomed us. we would be together if not for that loss. you weren't present and couldn't find your way back.
you tell me i'm cute, you tell me you're being seduced. "you're seducing me."
you love my hands. they feel so good, they're so soft. you rub them and hold them tight. you squeeze my arms and hands. you laugh when i get pink in the cheeks and tell me, "you're turning red." i say no it's just the lighting. you say no. don't be silly. you love that i'm so playful.

we start speaking in italian. anchio te. mi piace luigino.
i tell you how heartbroken i was.
we cash out. you walk me back to my place. it's so so cold and windy. we get inside my lobby and we kiss. my lips and yours dancing. all i'm thinking in my head is i want you. i'm thinking it so loud and so hard that i swear you hear my mind through our kissing.

are lips are dancing with the occasional scratch from your stubble.
we head downstairs to my apartment. i hope my roommate is not up because if she is she will give me an eye roll and make me feel like a high school student misbehaving in detention.
she's not up thank god. i tell you to go to my room while i make the tea.
i show you the camera my parents gave me, their 80s Canon. this was your first camera you say.
you fool with it and show me how it works, where the battery is. i love you.
i pour the tea and you're already lying down in my unmade bed. you're comfortable.
i put down the tea and you barely sips any. you tell me to come here and snuggle. but we don't even snuggle too long before we are kissing.

we lay in bed and my alarm goes off. the day must begin. my routine calls. i wash my face and dress and make my lunch.
we walk down the street. it's still cold. i am humming good morning music. "good morning, good morning, it's great to stay up late" - "oh what a beautiful morning"
"do you always sing in the morning?"
 "no ... wait, ya i guess i do! i hum and sing to myself."

we part ways and say see ya. you go up the street and i go to work. i still love you but i no longer am waiting for you. i can't wait. i must live out this novel of my life. with or without you.

is it wrong that last night happened? no. it just happened. this is life. all i do is what feels good, what is right in the moment. maybe it's not in the long run. but i no longer live for others rules. i live for my own rules. as long as i feel comfortable and good, i'm saying yes. life is too short to worry and hate myself. life is to love myself, every inch. all the good and bad bits. it's gorgeous and completely one of a kind.


sleeping next to him felt so good. a little part of me loves him after all this and that is the part i think rules my head even when it shouldn't.
the question is, do i want to wait around for him to figure it out? no i don't.

i definitely feel our dynamics are different now, though. i've kicked him off his pedestal and he is just another man. Unfortunately i am still in love with this man.

It's not as simple as saying I'm never going to see him again and cut him out. I can't do it. I've tried.

JUST A POKE.

I poked a man on FB who is a hybrid of Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw.

Body of Shaw:



FACE of MARON:








 THINK ABOUT THAT ONE FOR A MOMENT.


I got no response FROM MY POKE and so I sent him a Facebook friend request. A LAST ATTEMPT.

I Facebook messaged two of my close male friends to ask before doing this. They assured me I had "nothing to lose."

So I did and now I feel stupid. That was stupid. The whole thing was stupid but now we'll be facebook friends. Cuz I think if he wanted to be my friend he would've asked right? Right? I just don't know. MEN ARE SO CONFUSING. there is a game and I don't know any of the rules and the rules change with every person.

Also i'm doing it in reverse since I already took the car for a test drive. Goddamn it. I just like men and affection so much. I can only go for so long w/out it!!!

But ultimately we should just remain FB friends since I am far too young for him and I need to stop my track record of dating old men. But if you keep on doing something does it mean it's bad or is it just what you like?!!?!?!?!?!?

Tonight I am going to an all women's comedy showcase, then eating a fixed price menu at a fancy restaurant w/ my friend from Portland. I'M EXCITEDDDDDDD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, I'm looking for a part time job until I find a job that pays me more. Yep. that's how sure I am that a negotiation would go NOWHERE.  i feel like a failure. I have a masters and no money. BUT i love my job so much and do not regret getting my degree.

I gotta make a dent in these student loans!!! Also, it doesn't help that I live in one of the most expensive cities in the USA. But I LOVE THIS CITY SO MUCH!!!! alas.



THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE.

It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.

 

24 Questions Single Girls Are Tired Of Being Asked

http://www.buzzfeed.com/laraparker/questions-single-girls-are-tired-of-being-asked#.rwy5n8DVJ

I made out with a Russian Journalist on Saturday night. I stupidly shared this fun flirty story with my mother and a friend. Both immediately responded with:

"well are you going to go out with him, was he nice?"

 No probably not cuz I was drunk and I do not want to date.  I finally became secure with my intuition which is telling me not to focus on romantic relationships.

Watching a Frances Ha movie Q & A recently, the actress Greta Gerwig said they set out to make a film that wasn't about a girl finding the man of her dreams. She said, "if that's the climax, the point of the story, well frankly that's not good enough."

It's annoying how at holiday parties people ask how you're doing. then they ask with a glint in their eye, "seeing anyone special???" It's just annoying. As if that is the best thing that could happen to you. There are 5 million other better things than that. Money, Italian, Chocolate, Coffee, Movies, Art, Cookies, Sushi, Books .... 

There are so many more things in life, in our story, than the opposite sex. It's unfortunate how society makes men such an asset. Maybe less so in the "1st world" but it's horrible how men control the destiny of so many women in our world - specifically prostitution industries, child brides, communities where women have no rights.

Also, I've been hearing more of the exhaustion and tiredness, boringness of marriage/children lately. I don't know if I only notice this b/c I agree or if the current trend is to complain about life on the Internet. I do think the Internet tends to take regular life and whine about it. But Life isn't a fucking instagram feed!!! Life isn't as glamorous as it is on social media and that bothers people.

Date yourself.

I've been doing the above since Sept. 2013. I can confidently say I know how and enjoy being alone. I just came back from a week long business trip in San Fran and it was AMAZING wandering the city alone. I loved being with myself and had so much fun on tours, sight seeing, and eating food alone.  It wasn't lonely, it was really fun!!! But what if I could have that much fun or more fun with someone else along for the ride? 

Do not get me wrong - I love the freedom of my singularity.  There are 50% things I like about being single and 50% that I would like to have from a partnership.

I'm ready to date someone awesome. But I'm not willing to take the step into online dating b/c my life is so happy and peaceful right now, the thought gives me a headache of inviting someone into my life who will bring drama and fuck it all up. I can only hope after all the bad choices, I'm wiser and I can see characteristics to avoid more clearly.

I think I'm gonna sit back and live my life, keep doing what I'm doing and let the Universe take care of it.  That seems to be the most comfortable option right now.

Can't we be friends?

I went to trivia for a organization I volunteer for. After the game was over i beckoned a hot man w/ a beard over to my table. The third beer had given me this confidence. I chatted him up and then said,

"You're cute, are you single?"
He replied with a laugh, "Um ... my fiance is standing at the table behind me." (and she wasn't attractive, OF COURSE.)

I replied, "Oh shit now, i'm going to be fodder for the car ride home. This is a fail."

He then told me to become a Hasher. There, i would find men. Hmmm. 

As i run last night i couldn't help but laugh at this conversation, followed by my embarrassment. 

After that rejection, I bounced back with a second wind and dragged my trivia mate to karaoke. He tried to drunkenly kiss me after sharing his rendition of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." I do not see him in that way and he has a girlfriend. I had hoped we could be friends, but I guess not. Sometimes I think men are dogs in the truest sense.

It sucks cuz I really like hanging out w/ him. But, I've been in this space before and I am wise now. You can't will someone to be your friend. So I must drop him. Well, at least only hang out w/ him in group settings. Not drunk.

The Hot Spanish Man aka, the Unicorn (he is hot, employed and single, making him a Unicorn among men in this city) has not asked me out, although he assured me on the 13th he'd get back to me when he got back into town .... which was a week ago. BLAH. I think he wants a Spanish woman.

I debated on texting or calling him, but fuck it. I waver between taking initiative and not. I think in this new age of dating i need to take more initiative b/c men are:

1. lamer than they were before
2. scared of a strong woman
3. scared of rejection
4. in DC they have their choices, more women than men here; most of which are intelligent and accomplished. Hot, no so much, but to each his own. 

The reasons i do not want to take initiative are:

1. I want a man who is not afraid of asking for what he wants
2. I want a man with a backbone, confidence
3. I want to know, without a doubt, that he is interested in me. When i ask men out, I'm never quite sure of that. But when they ask me out, I'm aware that at least their first impression of me is something they want to know more deeply.
4. I am worth a fucking phone call or text for a date!!!

 So I'll waver and figure it out on a case by case basis. But I def think I will keep asking men i think are cute if they are single after flirting for awhile. As my roommate said, "If you keep on asking one of them will be."

Digital Witness

Millennials: there are no precise dates when the generation starts and ends. Researchers and commentators use birth years ranging from the early 1980s to the early 2000s. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennials

I am considered to be a Millennial. Millennial have some great qualities. We volunteer more, we’re close to our families, and we are consistently open to new innovation and change, particularly when it comes to environmental regulations ... and new dating apps.*http://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2013/09/04/why-you-cant-ignore-millennials/ *

One of the downsides of being a Millennial, is dating as a Millennial. On a recent night when I complained to my mother that I wanted to meet a decent man to date, she replied, “Just get yourself made up and go to the corner bar with a girlfriend!” Unfortunately – or fortunately – it’s not that easy anymore.

We are a generation who is emotionally damaging each other through social networks; due to emotional unavailability and an unrealistic expectation of instant gratification.

It seems our digital selves are determining what happens when we're away from the screen. We meet people on social networks, we judge them from their digital representation (a sexy picture), we select one stands late at night after 5 cocktails and push the tiny glowing flame icon on our iPhone screen. We meet people via the internet. We have important conversations over texting, rather than pick up the phone. We dump people via text, email. How is this behavior shaping us and our emotionally expressive selves? Are we becoming or have we already become a culture that can only express things with acronyms in a 140 character text block?

The idea of meeting people via a dating application, like Tinder, is not new.  This same concept used to be in the medium of a personal ad you could post in the back of a newspaper. “Do you like Pina Coladas? Getting caught in the rain?” Online dating is not a bad thing and I personally know three married couples who met via Ok Cupid and they seem very content. I am all for new ways of communication; they are simply a new medium for the same idea. But at times, I feel like these social networks normalize emotional unavailability or avoidance. If you don’t like someone you don’t text them back, or de-friend them from your facebook.You no longer are "required" to have a conversation with anyone. You can disappear. Or so you think.

How do we get over past romantic paramours if all romantic attachments are frozen in a digital world? Each email of past lovely flirtations, every picture taken together, all instant messages are archived. They continue there, living and breathing frozen in time. In the past, if you stopped dating someone you never saw them again unless desired. Now, we can be ambushed by anyone from our past out of the blue.  Getting a blast from the past can become a daily ritual. Of course, deleting, and de-friending help with this predicament, but Google memorializes our every infatuation and breakup whether we like it or not. If cutting someone off suddenly from text or Facebook is a way to disappear, I would argue it's not working.

We need to be careful not to become detached. Numb to the face behind the profile page.  Behind there, there is a person of worth with something to offer you. If not a positive attribute, a lesson to be learned, a story to share. 

A second element Millenials need to focus on is "time." We exist in an instant gratification culture where we can get any song, food, or Netflix series delivered to us in no more than thirty minutes. Although we speed through our digital days, love remains one of the few things you cannot make instant. It’s true, if lucky you could feel an instant connection or attraction, but time is what creates true love.  Reading an “About me” section on a profile does not mean you now are compatible and know everything about that person. We are complex, beautiful beings and that is not translated on the web. Except for those digital copies of great works; the Mona Lisa, A Beatles song on Spotify. Those things do express the human experience. 

I am hoping we use this current dating world to our advantage; use it as a tool to initiate conversation, but not use it to replace our voice. Selecting someone from Tinder can be done, but once you select them, go on a date and get to know them. Don’t just have a 30 minute "hook-up" and peace out. You weren’t made for that. You were made to be loved and cared for on an emotionally open level. 

I am holding out for the serendipitous meeting in the coffee shop line, accidentally bumping into a handsome man at the gallery, the plane seat introduction, picking up my crushed tomatoes off the farmer’s market floor, but not alone. 

Dating as a Millennial: WTF.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Oscar Wilde

 

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Millennials: there are no precise dates when the generation starts and ends. Researchers and commentators use birth years ranging from the early 1980s to the early 2000s. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennials

I went to the Red Derby this weekend. I spoke to a Frenchman for 40 minutes who then told me he was married - "I haf tu mayke a confeshion"- he wasn't wearing his ring.  I then spoke to a very hawt man who took my number and then immediately told me his gf is moving away in two weeks. WTF.

I'm trying to no longer complain about the DC dating scene. But before I stop complaining, I wanted to explore questions I am SO CONFUSED by in today's dating world.

Am I asking too much? 
What I'm looking for is a man who wants to take me on dates, and ultimately, only wants to sleep w/ me, exclusively. I do not want a husband, partner, roommate. I guess what I want is called a "boyfriend."  Not a hook-up, a one night stand, a fling, or "friend-with-benefits".  Nothing is wrong with any of these situations. If I was in that place right now in my life, I'd be into that, but right now I'm looking for more.

Am I old fashioned and unrealistic?
Right now I'm looking for a little commitment. I want to know I am respected and the only one they are sleeping with. And if they do not want to do that anymore, that is fine. I just want to be dumped before they sleep w/ someone else.

Does what I want no longer exist?
I still do not believe I am asking for THAT much. Yes, I am asking for mutual respect, time, love and affection, honesty.  But I guess these things increase in rarity as I get older.

Is this the new normal?  Am I the only one who didn't get the memo/isn't into casually hooking-up w/ no emotions or feelings? 
Some of my friends date w/ no strings attached; meaning they are in casual amorphous relationships.  They never know if the man/woman they are dating is "here to stay," never going to call them again, or if they even want to be in the current state. They are open to any and all possibilities. Maybe if I didn't care as much I'd be there. But right now, I do not want to spend time with a man who "isn't sure" I am worth his time and respect.

Some of my friends are virgins - yes i know, i didn't believe it as first either - and are waiting.

Some of my friends exclusively have sporadic one night stands, nothing more.

Some of my friends are seeking all the qualities of a relationship - minus the commitment. These are mostly my male friends. They want companionship, sex & fun, but do not want to be called a boyfriend and want to have sex w/ anyone else whenever they want. ISN'T THAT SWEET. But - these men are upfront from the beginning. So - I cannot label them as liars. They are honest - at least :(

My friend, M, from NYC described the way I feel about dating beautifully:
"You know that feeling when you've been hungry for a really long time, and then you pass the hunger feeling and no longer feel hungry anymore? The effort to eat outweighs the desire, so you just go to bed?"

My feelings about dating are this EXACT analogy. I want to meet a nice guy but I do not want to try online dating. The effort and work one puts in "finding" someone is not something I am currently up for. I just want it to happen on it's own. But does that even happen anymore in this world?!
 
I have never used an online dating app or website. I am scared of them and also I do not want to date that badly. I don't have the time to invest, so why am I complaining? If I don't have the time to search, maybe I don't have time for a relationship?

Also right now my life is drama free. And that is something I want to continue.
I whine about all this a lot and I will try to stop. But it is hard when what you want isn't available to you.  Like anyone, I miss the affection or attention of a man. It's icing on the cake. But I need to remember how good the cake tastes w/out icing.

 Sometimes I worry I will become desperate and eventually lower my standards. I hope I never do that.

Anywho - my new goal is to continue dating myself and not worry/whine about dating. Here's to DAY ONE.


To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Oscar Wilde

band-aid

 


i look at your facebook page and see you with another new girl.
i'm ripping a band-aid off my arm, taking a bit of skin and hair with it.
eventually the ripping won't hurt anymore and
i won't even need the band-aid. 
but until then (i think it'll be here sooner than later),

i have a salve,
and friends,
and dreams so big
my arms do not fit around them.

waiting is very hard.
and believing in something you cannot see
or have never met is
even more difficult.

but that is how hope is sewn together,
how quilts are made,
how tides of people change things.

i am much stronger and older than i was last year,
i am more hopeful too.
it is all happening.
with no plans i am
full of possibilities. 

Cab or Couch

 



I went out this past Friday. I was out with my friends for a birthday party. Some guy was there. He was like a hotter version of the lead singer of Mumford and Sons. Sharp retro styled, Mad men hair cut, plaid wearing, muscular. And he had a sexy name. The first name where it could be a last name, sorta deal.

We danced all night and then made out and then realized all our friends had left us. He kept complaining that he had to catch a cab to Arlington (wtf) and asking me to come home with him. My new thing is to not sleep with a guy until I know he's fallen in love with me, so clearly that wasn't happening. He kept on complaining and I was tired and I thought about if the situation was turned around. I thought, "ya it would suck having to spend $50.00 on a cab ride." I was tired and a bit drunk and offered up my couch but was CRYSTAL CLEAR that he was sleeping on the couch.

We went back to my place, at pizza and watched Maron. I should've known he was a bad guy when he didn't know who Marc Maron was. Red Flag. And when I found out he was a TAX LOBBYIST FOR THE KOCH BROTHERS. Red Flag on Fire.

After we watch an episode, I said, "ok time for bed." I threw some pillows and a blanket on the couch and said goodnight. He looked at me and said, "Wait, you're REALLY going to make me sleep on the couch?" 

"Yes. I said you could sleep on my couch. You're not sleeping in my bed. I just met you tonight, you're not sleeping in my bed."

"I can't believe you're doing this. You're so inconsiderate. You know, I'm a catch."








MY JAW DROPS. I begin laughing from astonishment. "I'm a catch!!!"

He rolls his eyes.
OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST DO THAT TO ME.

"Listen you can either sleep on my couch or take a cab. It's COUCH OR CAB."

"Well then I guess I'm taking a cab."

"I guess you are."

He slammed the door of my apartment while yelling at me. I got back in my bed, ate more pizza, snuggled under the covers watching Maron and breathed a huge sigh of relief. I'm glad I got to throw SUCH A CATCH back out to the sea of love for someone else to hook. 

I get a text from him when he is in the back of the cab:
Is this your #? Thanks for everything. Such a great time @ your place. Listening to Beiber in the cab. hope 2 see ya soon.

WTF

Then i get a text the next day:
So hung over today. Let's grab a drink sometime. Nice dance moves ;-)

WTF.

OBVIOUSLY
I WOULD NEVER TEXT HIM BACK.

This is dating in DC.
This is why I will remain single until I move somewhere else.
This is why I love being single.


And this is the last time i will EVER offer a man to sleep on my couch. They'll just have to deal with the $50.00 cab rides.



 

Only in J Crew Land

I saw this on the metro yesterday. WTF. Only in this city would you see a dollar bill ripped up for no damn reason. In every other city people ain't ripping up monetary funds! They need that money!