goals.

NEW GOAL: I want to get a job as a librarian that gets a 10 month contract. I want to keep waitressing until i am too old to do it. I want to work as a librarian for 10 months, then live somewhere else for the rest of the year.

I would like to do trips to south america, south east asia with my extra cash. Wouldn't that be fun?

If I'm Unworthy by Blake Mills

If I'm Unworthy
song by Blake Mills

I found a new meaning
for the oldest words in use
I no longer ask myself
what have I got to lose
If I'm unworthy of the power I hold over you

This line of thinking
the wonders it can induce
are twisted in my sheets now
and look what your love can do

If I'm unworthy of the power I hold over you

Time before was wasted
with you my life ain't just long enough
Wrap you in my arms, baby
I hope they'll be strong enough

Time before was wasted
with you life's just long enough
I'll Wrap you in my arms, baby
see if strong enough

If I'm unworthy of the power I hold over you
What If I'm unworthy of the power I hold over you
If I'm unworthy of the power I hold over you

pretty good

Today at work someone asked me how i was doing. I said Pretty Good and i meant it. :)

Life is good right now. Things are falling into place.

Moonlighting

I can already tell I'll have ton more posts to this blog, due to this new moonlighting gig.

Is it weird that i actually enjoy it so far? it's probably because it's new and exciting and I'm not used to it.

Also, it's probably b/c I'm free of the stress and worry of not being able to save any money, living paycheck to paycheck. It definitely makes me feel better. I now have a way to save for things I want to do, instead of sacrificing dreams for basic realities. 

Things I've learned so far about waiting:


 

• You can make money fast
• You must check your attitude at the door, even if you've had a shitty day. Why? Because this will affect the vibes from your coworkers and customers. If they know you're in a nasty mood only nasty things will most likely happen.
• You can be "the perfect server" and still not get a good tip; but you still gotta try to be nice
• You can't control anything, ie: when the food gets out, what customers you have, if the night is busy or not
• The sooner you accept to go with the flow, the easier the job gets
• If you get stressed out or flustered easily you will make everyone else miserable (even if you are stressed, fake it till you make it)
• No one is going to die at this job. No one is going to die if they don't get their food, if they get a drink spilled on them, if they have to wait for their meal. 
• Don't take this job seriously. It is anything but serious. 
• It's actually really funny most of the time
• Everyone you work with is from many different socioeconomic situations. Two coworkers i work with - like me - have masters and full time jobs. Some people are sending all their tips home to Honduras. Some people chose not to go to college, it just wasn't for them. Everyone is equal in the Restaurant business and if you think differently you will be humbled immediately - most likely in the most embarrassing way possible. (ie the kitchen's swinging door, full cup of coffee)
• Family meals and Shifts drinks at the end of the night are THE BEST time to get to know your coworkers - and free!!!
• Going out to a nearby bar with your coworkers is SO MUCH FUN. As long as you don't stay up till 4am getting wasted and have to work the next day. That's stupid. 
• Make it up.

• Most the time I feel like I'm acting, if that makes any sense.  

AND NOW FOR THE FUNNY SHITTY PARTS ABOUT SERVING:

I've ONLY been working for a week and I sympathize with #1, 5, 6, 7, 10, 12

 http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/21-soul-crushing-moments-every-server-dreads?sub=3372631_3248815#.gsy3lRE2XM

Marinating on MARONATION tour

Two things i learned from last night's Marc Maron show: #1) Vulnerability is the most magnificent quality you can offer. Unfortunately, it is the hardest to do, b/c of negative past situations of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of. BUT if you can trust and put yourself out there, I believe it will pay you back ten fold and make life richer. If you can be your true self and not care what others think, that is the most beautiful thing. #2) I am intentionally going to try to date more FUNNY men. I laughed SO hard last night. Laughter is so important. If you could spend time with someone who makes you laugh, instead of makes you cry and be the bug in their emotionally fucked up spider web, life is SO much better. I'm tired of trying to fix men that cannot be fixed by anyone but themselves. I want to be around a man that can light me up and make me laugh until my belly hurts and there are (HAPPY) tears in my eyes. 

 


 This morning i received a shit storm of texts messages out of the blue from RPJ. He said he feels that he cannot trust me and that all he can focus on is when I will dump him. Therefore he has put a barrier up and cannot open up to me anymore. He cites something i said JOKINGLY months ago in a bar: 
"I'm going to date old men, then when I want kids, dump them for a young guy." I was joking. 

I've assured him that I don't actually believe this. That my actions speak more than my words. But still he says he can't trust me. 

So I replied, "Obviously I can't control your feelings. Only you can come to those conclusions. If it bothers you then that's probably a personal message telling you to go in a different direction."

What I really wanted to say was, "Please Go fuck yourself." But I didn't. 

I am officially DRAINED from this vampire. I have nothing left to give, no more tears to be cried. There is nothing else to do or say. It's OVER. 

It's unfortunate that it took so long for me to let go of him. I wanted to hold on. But sometimes, holding on is more painful than letting go. 

I never want to have to "convince" a man to trust, love, or be with me. I do not have time for complicated, dark, emotional damage of someone else. I barely have time for my own. Which thankfully, isn't that much. 

I got the waitress job and the manager eventually wants me to bar tend. :) 
Walking from the interview to the Marc Maron show last night, i felt the small arms of a little girl run at my and grab my waist. It was my reading buddy from the Literacy program i volunteer with. She was with her family walking home and all smiles, saying how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait to get back to the program in a couple weeks (the school is on break). 

Even though parts of my life feel fucked up from the outside they really aren't. I feel like yesterday was this turning point for me. I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am trusting in the Universe and I believe if I can stay true to myself and remain kind through the bad shit, Life will continue to be a rich ride. I feel like I've finally stepped into the changing flow of the ocean of Life and I'm not as scared or stressed anymore. It's like I now know deep inside everything is going to be ok.  

Istanbul

I had my first Istanbul interview yesterday morning.

I'm thinking I do not need to make this decision; they will kind of make it for me if they pick me or not. But I can't help but think about the possibility. Right now, I have neither a yes or no feeling.


I mentioned this on my vacation with my parents. They were not pleased. But I am trying to not have their thoughts color my choice. I do not want to be that person who does things based on others opinions. I just want support if I choose to do it. It's not enough to have my own confidence. Still working on that.




 My two best friends are helping me and sharing their advice. They both say "do it," because like me they are adventurous badasses, too.

The pay is less than I make now. Contract from August '15 - June '16. Summer is paid and they hope you return for the next year, obviously.





Cost of living is CHEAPER than DC.

I don't know if I'd be saving any money if I did this, so it would be for the experience. My main concern is being able to support myself since I'll be far from home.

 It seems to be a pretty cheap place to live. I think I could have about $750-1000/month left over after rent and student loans, I should have enough to live comfortably and also do quite a bit of travel.

I flip flop between stress free security and poor adventure. 

Only time will tell. 


 

Girl on Guy, dating in the real world.

http://girlonguy.girlonguy.libsynpro.com/girl-on-guy-173-amber-tamblyn

Aisha Tyler and Amber Tamblyn talk internet dating 7 minutes in, and it's EXACTLY all my feelings about it. How social media fucks w/ the naturalness of dating and how it removes intimacies and replaces it with "rules" - ugh. i hate "dating." Also I'm not even dating right now I'm just have dalliances w/ sexy old men. :p