Marinating on MARONATION tour

Two things i learned from last night's Marc Maron show: #1) Vulnerability is the most magnificent quality you can offer. Unfortunately, it is the hardest to do, b/c of negative past situations of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of. BUT if you can trust and put yourself out there, I believe it will pay you back ten fold and make life richer. If you can be your true self and not care what others think, that is the most beautiful thing. #2) I am intentionally going to try to date more FUNNY men. I laughed SO hard last night. Laughter is so important. If you could spend time with someone who makes you laugh, instead of makes you cry and be the bug in their emotionally fucked up spider web, life is SO much better. I'm tired of trying to fix men that cannot be fixed by anyone but themselves. I want to be around a man that can light me up and make me laugh until my belly hurts and there are (HAPPY) tears in my eyes. 

 


 This morning i received a shit storm of texts messages out of the blue from RPJ. He said he feels that he cannot trust me and that all he can focus on is when I will dump him. Therefore he has put a barrier up and cannot open up to me anymore. He cites something i said JOKINGLY months ago in a bar: 
"I'm going to date old men, then when I want kids, dump them for a young guy." I was joking. 

I've assured him that I don't actually believe this. That my actions speak more than my words. But still he says he can't trust me. 

So I replied, "Obviously I can't control your feelings. Only you can come to those conclusions. If it bothers you then that's probably a personal message telling you to go in a different direction."

What I really wanted to say was, "Please Go fuck yourself." But I didn't. 

I am officially DRAINED from this vampire. I have nothing left to give, no more tears to be cried. There is nothing else to do or say. It's OVER. 

It's unfortunate that it took so long for me to let go of him. I wanted to hold on. But sometimes, holding on is more painful than letting go. 

I never want to have to "convince" a man to trust, love, or be with me. I do not have time for complicated, dark, emotional damage of someone else. I barely have time for my own. Which thankfully, isn't that much. 

I got the waitress job and the manager eventually wants me to bar tend. :) 
Walking from the interview to the Marc Maron show last night, i felt the small arms of a little girl run at my and grab my waist. It was my reading buddy from the Literacy program i volunteer with. She was with her family walking home and all smiles, saying how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait to get back to the program in a couple weeks (the school is on break). 

Even though parts of my life feel fucked up from the outside they really aren't. I feel like yesterday was this turning point for me. I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am trusting in the Universe and I believe if I can stay true to myself and remain kind through the bad shit, Life will continue to be a rich ride. I feel like I've finally stepped into the changing flow of the ocean of Life and I'm not as scared or stressed anymore. It's like I now know deep inside everything is going to be ok.  

It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.

 

24 Questions Single Girls Are Tired Of Being Asked

http://www.buzzfeed.com/laraparker/questions-single-girls-are-tired-of-being-asked#.rwy5n8DVJ

I made out with a Russian Journalist on Saturday night. I stupidly shared this fun flirty story with my mother and a friend. Both immediately responded with:

"well are you going to go out with him, was he nice?"

 No probably not cuz I was drunk and I do not want to date.  I finally became secure with my intuition which is telling me not to focus on romantic relationships.

Watching a Frances Ha movie Q & A recently, the actress Greta Gerwig said they set out to make a film that wasn't about a girl finding the man of her dreams. She said, "if that's the climax, the point of the story, well frankly that's not good enough."

It's annoying how at holiday parties people ask how you're doing. then they ask with a glint in their eye, "seeing anyone special???" It's just annoying. As if that is the best thing that could happen to you. There are 5 million other better things than that. Money, Italian, Chocolate, Coffee, Movies, Art, Cookies, Sushi, Books .... 

There are so many more things in life, in our story, than the opposite sex. It's unfortunate how society makes men such an asset. Maybe less so in the "1st world" but it's horrible how men control the destiny of so many women in our world - specifically prostitution industries, child brides, communities where women have no rights.

Also, I've been hearing more of the exhaustion and tiredness, boringness of marriage/children lately. I don't know if I only notice this b/c I agree or if the current trend is to complain about life on the Internet. I do think the Internet tends to take regular life and whine about it. But Life isn't a fucking instagram feed!!! Life isn't as glamorous as it is on social media and that bothers people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7HdlyCzFrU

I saw Oprah two weeks ago and it gave me a priceless amount of INSPIRATION! Here's a clip I found of some great advice.

I can proudly say I am currently obsessed with metaphysics. I am a TOTAL believer in the law of attraction, karma, positivity.

My only addendum is that on the subject of positivity. It is important to practice positivity, but more important to practice gratitude. If you practice positivity all the time, of every waking moment, that's unhealthy. Being "happy" all the time is unhealthy, since happiness, like every other emotion/feeling is temporary. There is no way to sustain it. You can only embrace each emotion, then let it go when it wants to go. It's good to practice positivity, but when you're mad, sad, or confused there's no use in ignoring it or being upset with yourself. You are having the human experience in all it's joy and pains and in between.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

- by Rumi 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- See more at: http://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi#sthash.TOUPfaS3.dpuf

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- See more at: http://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi#sthash.TOUPfaS3.dpuf

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- See more at: http://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi#sthash.TOUPfaS3.dpuf

A Masterpiece

Once upon a time, I dated an artist. It was a very short romance. As most stereotypes, he oozed charisma. His flirtations were a wide net and I was the catch; inescapable. I had no chance the moment he put his arm around my waist and whispered in my ear, “I think we’re going to be trouble.”

The hooks were in deep. But then came the mood swings, the verbal abuse … the other women. He no longer talked with me, but at me. All conversations were art lectures, or therapist appointments in which I played the role of the incompetent therapist. Listening for hours, not able to offer advice, and leaving more perplexed about “us” then when I had walked in. His narcissism and womanizing revealed itself soon enough and that lead to a swift demise.

I went to a music concert recently and this quote from a song stuck out to me:

"Like a flame not allowed to last very long but how fantastic and strong."

(Frontier Ruckus - If the Suns Collapse)

From my end, our relationship was as short as it was intense. But it was not all bad, because I learned some invaluable lessons. I learned what I will allow and what I will not. I learned that I want to be an equal in a partnership, not a fiddler player of the background music to someone else’s life story. The question this short relationship asked of me was, do I want to be the muse or do I want to be the artist, the creator myself? I have learned I am the creator of my own life story.

So this afterthought isn’t about how to date a creative mind. This is about how to cultivate your own creative power, how to become your own creator.

 At some point you must find the strength within yourself to step out from your partner's shadow. Living in the shadow of an artist can be difficult. Artists are contagiously creative, passionate, and emotional.  They brood in thought and like a mood ring can be 50 colors in one day. Not all these traits are bad. But they can effect you negatively if you let them. The American photographer, Lee Miller, met surrealist artist, Man Ray, when she was 22 years old in 1929. She became his lover and muse. While with him, she managed to learn from his photographic techniques, help run his studio, and become an artist. At 25, Miller left Man Ray and Paris to return to New York and establish a portrait and commercial photography studio with her brother Erik as her darkroom assistant.  She would go on to become an acclaimed photographer for Vogue, serving as war correspondent during WWII.

Lee Miller in Hitler's bath Photo: David E. Scherma © Lee Miller ... http://www.pinterest.com/pin/177329304052472517/

Examine yourself. Who are you and what are you creating? The painter, Frida Kahlo, once said, "I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best." Meeting the famous artist Diego Rivera at age 20, Frida wanted his opinion on her work. He replied, “You’ve got talent.” This encouragement and her perseverance would result in the Louvre buying one of her paintings, “The Frame”; the first work by a twentieth-century Mexican artist to be purchased by the renowned museum. Although Kahlo’s fame came posthumously, her authentic sense of self has lived on forever in her art and its admirers. Your creations are eternal.

http://www.friendsofart.net/en/art/frida-kahlo/the-frame

I invite you to create a list of qualities you’d like in an ideal partner. In a 1981 speech given at Yale, the ground-breaking feminist, political activist and journalist, Gloria Steinem stated, “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” Ask yourself if you have the qualities you would like to have in a partner. If you do, that’s great. If you don’t have them, focus on those qualities you lack and see how you can cultivate them. Remember to create your own masterpiece before giving all your paint away to a jackass. Your personal artistry will lead you to making your very own masterpiece if you let it.

http://agypsiblog.com/2013/03/15/femme-fatals-gloria-steinem/

Integrity

https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz