Friends

So I got the waitress job to save money. BUT I'm just spending it on Travel. :)

ON A WHIM, i decided to go to NYC and Chicago this month. 

BUT I'm REALLY excited because I'm going to see friends I have not seen in a long time. I cannot wait! I haven't been to Chicago since 2011! I haven't been to NYC since Feb 2014!!!

I cannot wait to see my friends who live in these two awesome cities. I will not be saving money but wtf you only live once. And the friends I'm going to see are some of the most important people in my life!! Some of my longest friendships that i deeply cherish.

So i got no complaints.

Couples I don't want to be

At work last weekend i waited on two couples.

The first one:

• woman cuter than man
• he was a fat nerd w/ glasses
• she was audrey hepburn
• she paid for the entire meal. she wrote on her receipt, "boyfriend got the tip."
• her boyfriend paid a $10.00 tip on a $50.00 tab. 
• I found this to be annoying. 
• i hope a man splits it with me or pays for all of it
• why was she with him?

The second one:

• i forgot to get bacon on the guy's burger
• the woman is the one who accosted me with this oversight
• i apologized and got the kitchen to bring down a side of bacon
• the woman insisted they get a discount, even after he ate it all
• yes, she ordered a salad and just a salad
• he said, "no honey, it's ok"
• she would not back down.
• he was whipped and let her have all the power

Two couples I never want to be.

Marinating on MARONATION tour

Two things i learned from last night's Marc Maron show: #1) Vulnerability is the most magnificent quality you can offer. Unfortunately, it is the hardest to do, b/c of negative past situations of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of. BUT if you can trust and put yourself out there, I believe it will pay you back ten fold and make life richer. If you can be your true self and not care what others think, that is the most beautiful thing. #2) I am intentionally going to try to date more FUNNY men. I laughed SO hard last night. Laughter is so important. If you could spend time with someone who makes you laugh, instead of makes you cry and be the bug in their emotionally fucked up spider web, life is SO much better. I'm tired of trying to fix men that cannot be fixed by anyone but themselves. I want to be around a man that can light me up and make me laugh until my belly hurts and there are (HAPPY) tears in my eyes. 

 


 This morning i received a shit storm of texts messages out of the blue from RPJ. He said he feels that he cannot trust me and that all he can focus on is when I will dump him. Therefore he has put a barrier up and cannot open up to me anymore. He cites something i said JOKINGLY months ago in a bar: 
"I'm going to date old men, then when I want kids, dump them for a young guy." I was joking. 

I've assured him that I don't actually believe this. That my actions speak more than my words. But still he says he can't trust me. 

So I replied, "Obviously I can't control your feelings. Only you can come to those conclusions. If it bothers you then that's probably a personal message telling you to go in a different direction."

What I really wanted to say was, "Please Go fuck yourself." But I didn't. 

I am officially DRAINED from this vampire. I have nothing left to give, no more tears to be cried. There is nothing else to do or say. It's OVER. 

It's unfortunate that it took so long for me to let go of him. I wanted to hold on. But sometimes, holding on is more painful than letting go. 

I never want to have to "convince" a man to trust, love, or be with me. I do not have time for complicated, dark, emotional damage of someone else. I barely have time for my own. Which thankfully, isn't that much. 

I got the waitress job and the manager eventually wants me to bar tend. :) 
Walking from the interview to the Marc Maron show last night, i felt the small arms of a little girl run at my and grab my waist. It was my reading buddy from the Literacy program i volunteer with. She was with her family walking home and all smiles, saying how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait to get back to the program in a couple weeks (the school is on break). 

Even though parts of my life feel fucked up from the outside they really aren't. I feel like yesterday was this turning point for me. I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am trusting in the Universe and I believe if I can stay true to myself and remain kind through the bad shit, Life will continue to be a rich ride. I feel like I've finally stepped into the changing flow of the ocean of Life and I'm not as scared or stressed anymore. It's like I now know deep inside everything is going to be ok.  

Istanbul

I had my first Istanbul interview yesterday morning.

I'm thinking I do not need to make this decision; they will kind of make it for me if they pick me or not. But I can't help but think about the possibility. Right now, I have neither a yes or no feeling.


I mentioned this on my vacation with my parents. They were not pleased. But I am trying to not have their thoughts color my choice. I do not want to be that person who does things based on others opinions. I just want support if I choose to do it. It's not enough to have my own confidence. Still working on that.




 My two best friends are helping me and sharing their advice. They both say "do it," because like me they are adventurous badasses, too.

The pay is less than I make now. Contract from August '15 - June '16. Summer is paid and they hope you return for the next year, obviously.





Cost of living is CHEAPER than DC.

I don't know if I'd be saving any money if I did this, so it would be for the experience. My main concern is being able to support myself since I'll be far from home.

 It seems to be a pretty cheap place to live. I think I could have about $750-1000/month left over after rent and student loans, I should have enough to live comfortably and also do quite a bit of travel.

I flip flop between stress free security and poor adventure. 

Only time will tell. 


 

The Right Time

 


I got a Skype job interview with an international school in Istanbul. I'm not even thinking about the possibility of it happening yet. First I need to speak with them, see what they have to say and if it would be right for me.The job would be really fun I think, working in a school library K-12, collaborating with the teachers and tech team.

I asked my friend J, "well if I like what they had to say, would this be the right time to do it? I promised to myself I'd stay here for 3 years."

"What time is ever the "right time" to do these things?"

My mother seems to not be on board, says "it's too far away."

I've moved alone to cities before within the US, but never in a foreign country. A part of me is scared to do something like that all alone. But this is something I've always wanted to do and it has presented itself. I need more details.

Tickets to the rest of Europe from Istanbul are maximum $200.00. I could take weekend trips to Rome and Athens. :)

And as always, there is nothing much here currently for me anyways. I have friends, but other than that I own no home, I have no partner.

Only time will tell. I'm trusting the Universe to be my guide. I think if you're meant to do something, change your trajectory in a different way, you will know it. Listen to your gut it will give you the answers. And of course, don't be blind to coincidences, AKA divine signals. 

Thoughts of late, not for the faint of heart.

I thought as I got older I would find more answers, but every year I just have more questions.

The RPJ has wiggled his way back into my life. But the dynamic is different. I no longer care too much about what he thinks, and I do what I want with him. I know this is not a great stage to be on with him, but I'm tired of trying to control it. He is in my life for now and who knows if he will drift out again.

I'd like to date two other men. I'd like to be exclusive. But it seems this is difficult to find. And to be honest, some days I want to be exclusive, but then my actions say I just want to continue to date and have fun. I do not know what I want when it comes to men.

MMJC is a man I'd like to know more. But we are both hippies and do not care to fight for that.  Ha! I spent my entire snow day on Thursday with MMJC. We drank beers and spoke about books, religion, all the big questions.

My 2nd snow day on Friday was spent with RPJ, white whale. We looked at photography books, watched "Gimme Shelter" on the Rolling Stones, Maron and Broad City. We made tacos for dinner and snuggled. We talked about his new documentary also known as his life's work for the past three years. He works so hard and stresses so much. He would die for his work and that is what scares me. He literally has gone over and over again into very dangerous places for his passion. This is what both scares me and intrigues me. We exist in limbo together. When he is with me I enjoy it, but he is always gone. He is going to Chicago and Toronto in the next two weeks. I hope he doesn't go back to conflict work, but that's what he does, it's inevitable. there is no other option. that's why I don't think we can be together. as long as he is going in and out of two worlds like that, there's no use to try.

Saturday morning I was walking to my volunteer tutoring gig. I got to the school and the program leader told me it was cancelled, sorry! So I walked back to my place. on the corner, I hear this deep voice behind me yell, "yo bitch!" I was sooo scared. I thought I was about to get mugged. I turn around and it is MMJC!!! that bastard was laughing, he sure did startle me. He was in the neighborhood checking in on his apartment he rents out. He also was scouting out a house for his gay couple friends in Mexico. They want an old DC house. So me and MMJC went into a house. But it was a complete wreck. Way too much of a fixer upper. When we parted ways we gave a kiss to each other on the sidewalk in broad day light. I liked that.

My hipster crush got into a bike accident last night and split his chin open.  I hope he is ok!!!

I am going to Key West at the end of the month and I plan on taking my time there to re-center and be on a beach and soak in the surroundings. I also am starting to get ancy again and a part of me wants to plot my next adventure. is it bad that I cannot stay in one place too long? is it bad that I do not like to stay too long in one place? I am addicted to change, yet it is also the one thing in this world that scares the shit out of me most. Why is that?

I am torn. I am torn between staying in one place, getting a job that pays more, make a dent in my loans, be responsible, travel more and buy more sophisticated clothes.

The other part of my soul wants to find a job that pays in Italy - short term - go there and write and take pictures and live and discover.

So how would I do this is the big big question. I have no idea. I want to think about that in Key West. A curse and blessing of my personality is that I function better with long term goals. Once I complete goals I must move onto another. It's nice because I get a lot done, but I forget to live in the moment and relish in my accomplishments. Sometimes I burn myself out if i'm not careful - it's not pretty; lots of self-loathing and despair.

I do feel very lucky. there are many blessings in my life. But there is this emptiness, this restlessness I still have that I have no idea how to cure. Maybe just do what I want and that will answer the questions? Life is so mysterious and confusing.
 

Give zero shits

This year, I stopped giving a shit about what other people thought about my life plans, dreams, goals. For a long time in my life I judged my plans against the advice of my parents, close friends, society. It's good to seek advice, but you cannot let other people plan your life for you. All that matters is what you feel. If getting married young and buying a home makes you happy, you need to do that, no matter what society thinks. If spending all your savings on travel and moving back in with your parents to save again for the next trip is what makes you happy, you need to do that. If never getting married, or never having kids is what makes you happy, you need to do that. Don't listen to people who are not living your life.

A lesson I learned this year was that you have to do what you want to do, not what others expect of you. If you do what others expect of you all your life, you will be miserable. You will look back on your life and feel pissed that you didn't do anything you truly wanted to do.

The worst that can happen is that you die from your choice. The chances of this happening are PRETTY DAMN slim. Unless your jumping off something really high, or something. If you lose your job, run out of money, are homeless, chances are you probably have some sort of support system to help you out.

So go and live HOWEVER you want. You really have NOTHING to lose.

Of Montreal

Last weekend I went to Montreal. My friend was still sleeping and I was ready to burst out on a Sunday morning. I was sick of looking at my Instagram and Facebook newsfeed in the French couple’s divinely comfortable bed I was lying in. I turned over and put the iPhone down. I looked out the window. Outside their window is a huge tree that silhouettes the rest of the backyard. I look out the window at the virile green leaves and I pretend this is my house, this is my bed in the trendy neighborhood of Montreal. The baby’s crib in the one room belongs to me too, to my French speaking baby,that answers to a French name. My husband is out at the bakery getting this week's treats. He will not forget to bring me back a chocolate croissant; this French wife’s favorite.

At the end of the fantasy I keep thinking of the chocolate croissant. I now need a chocolate croissant. “I am in the Mile End neighborhood of Montreal, Canada. I need a chocolate croissant,” the American brain in my head demands.

I pick the iPhone back up – the only necessary evil in my life it seems – and I go to my yelp app. I type in the search bar, "cafes + chocolate croissant". I find Mamie. I see it is only 11 minutes away by foot. I get dressed. I tell my friend I am going to a café to get said pastry and coffee. “Ok” mumble sleepy mumble. “Do you want anything?” mumble mumble “Noooooo….” Sleep sleep sleep.

I put on my red converses and head out. When travelling, I find one of the most thrilling moments is when you step out the door onto the street and realize you have no idea where you are going, but you are intending to go somewhere very specific. A catch 22 thrill? Down the street to Avenue mon pins – left. Then to Rue St. Denis.

I pass flower gardens, calico cats on their regular Sunday routes. I pass a house in the middle of this trendy hood that disguises itself as a greenhouse. What a glory it must be to hide away in that during the harsh Canadian winters. Magnifique.  Sip your warm coffee in there and pretend you are in Java. That’s certainly what I would do. Then walk out red faced into an artic world of icicle covered bikes.

 

All the home entrances have spiraling staircases – dripping with ivy and bursting with hydrangeas. What a beautiful porch to sip some wine on and listen to your friend play some guitar – or better yet – as I witnessed, letting Edith Piaf’s voice caress the flowers from your porch side iphone amp.

 

When I reach the boulangerie there are only three of us in there. I forget to take a ticket, since there is no one there, really. But still, I must take a ticket. I take a ticket. #“38” – ok. I wait. All of a sudden from peace to mayhem, four separate groups of French speakers tumble into the door. They are all pointing and proding and poking and discussing what they must to get. Just as I need my croissant they have come for their Sunday ceremony. They do indeed have a chocolate croissant. It is called, the “Oh Mon Dieu”.

My number is called in French. I do not recognize it, but I see it in red lights on the ticket counter so I know it is time to order. A swarthy baker asks, “what would you like”

“Je voudrai Oh Mon Dieu”  I say– the swarthy baker smiles

“et petite brioche et … Capuccino.”

“Do you want cinnamon or chocolate on top of –“

“Both” I say with a big smile.

At the counter, he comes over with the pastries and as soon as he sets them down, leaves me. He is now making my coffee. A few minutes later he reappears with a frothy cup.

“THIS is not a cappuccino. THIS is a MASTERPIECE!”

I giggle luxuriously, smile, and say “merci beaucoup.”

“Caio!” he says. Was he Italian or French? I will never know.

I pass a number of brightly painted murals. The dreams of the artist that decided to place them on the brick wall for everyone else to see.

 

I walk back to my pretend French home and sit on the porch and devour each layer of the flakey choclate croissant. I wash down the thick, ganache with “the masterpiece.”

 

 

I began my day walking hand in hand with Joie de Vivre. I make a silent prayer she would not let go of my hand until I said so.   I prayed she would not get lost in the crowd of people waiting for their bags at the DC airport, or on the metro ride back to my apartment. I tell her thank you, please stay awhile.

 

 

Montreal

I went to Montreal and was reminded of the concept and lifestyle that is "Joie de Vivre"

I intend to get back to that. I'm assuming for the next three months you will hear me singing in french, listening to french music (old and new pop). And fashion! I feel like i need to revamp my entire wardrobe.  If I could I would have stolen all the clothes from every Montreal girl I saw. They are so fashionable. Here is a guide to dressing like a Parisian girl from the summer to fall transition:

http://www.vogue.com/1061265/single-girl-paris-style-summer-dressing/?mbid=social_twitter

All the men in Montreal were SO SEXY. Totally my type: tall, dark, handsome, with scruff on their face. Messed up hair, chucks and plaid or t-shirts. Soooo flipping hot. I wanted to take them all on a bus and import them to DC for a year so I could date them all.

I ate my way through the city. This included foie gras (twice), calf's liver, shwartz smoked meat w/ pickle and cherry coke, lobster ravioli, poutine, chocolate croissants every morning with a large latte, LOTS of beer, a bison burger, macaroons, custard tarts, gelato and the list goes ON AND ON.

I feel the need for a juice cleanse. 

My take aways from this trip are:

• live with Joie de Vivre
• dress in a more Montreal/Parisian/Hipster style
• listen to more French music
• live along with the flow of life
• eat whatever i want, just not in excess - carbs aren't bad. nor is butter.

We stayed in a beautiful rowhouse in the Mile End district. I hope to one day be like the couple who lives there: fashionable, in a city, enjoying life! Which is what I do now but in a small small apartment and with no money. hahaha. 

Italy

I'm going to start taking Italian class so I can run away to Italy in two years. Italy inspires me and when I lived there in 2009 I fell in love with it.  I watched "Marriage Italian Style" last week and realized how much I miss hearing Italian, and how much fun it would be to learn it again.  But, if I'm going to learn it, I'm going to have to make an effort to speak in it! Whenever I take a language class, I don't practice speaking enough. :) Plus, this gives me a legit excuse to talk to hot Italians that live in DC.









 http://www.pinterest.com/marzipanmoxley/where-me-and-the-hot-tempered-spanish-painter-will/

To love the moments we live in.

i had a beautiful walk all over the city today. i took a half day from work for an afternoon of doctor appointments. this wandering is something i rarely do. i walk with purpose even when i have no purpose. i walk very fast thinking of other things. i'm not in the moment. i also listen to my iphone or check apps. 

today i had no headphones. i let the world fill my ears and eyes. also, getting purposely lost, i had to focus on the little things to figure out where i was. it was great fun and i need to do it more often. now that the weather is good, i'm going to try to more. 

i wrote this on my "notepad" on my phone. when you get the feeling to write, you must write. and it was just one of those moments when the words were floating in my head and had to get out if i was going to remember the images i had seen today. 

Little girl bouncing along the hopscotch - the beads in her hair following suit. Jazz notes falling down the club stair case, floating through the air and taking a ride on my pounding of the pavement. I think Seaton street is my favorite. It's dripping with roses and ivy and all the houses are painted in the color of "home." To love the moments we live in. How easy one forgets.

and here are the pictures i took of Seaton street. I couldn't help it. 

Bee-friending

Bee-friending yourself

The apiary is a small one, which only a select few know about. It’s located in the courtyard of a monastery.  You can see the monks walking around, or visitors who’ve booked a weekend to get lost from their lives.  There are no cell phones or laptops allowed, and the rooms have no clocks. Yet, no one is alone at the monastery and everyone depends on one another for encouragement, love, food, and peace of mind. Like the bees I tend to at the monastery, the monks and visitors depend on each other to make a thriving community. The stronger the hive the sweeter the honey.

A year ago, I sat on the DC metro thinking about what it would be like to live here.  What would a new life in DC look like?  What kind of friends would I have and where would I get my haircut? I’d have to leave everything I had built to find that out. 

As I was flying back from DC to Austin I got the call.  I was offered the job and four weeks later I was migrating from Austin, Texas to D.C. After three years of living a sweltering, magical existence in Austin, scarfing down breakfast tacos and causing a ruckus on east 6th street, my time in the city had come to a close.  The thirst I felt in Austin was getting drier and I needed to search in another direction. I loved my friends, but they could always fly to come visit me. I had no family, mortgage, or paramour.  I left in three weeks.  If it didn’t fit in a box it was sold on Craigslist.  If it couldn’t be sold it went to the curb and was promptly gone the next morning. Austin being a city of transients, everyone there likes a good deal.

Bees leave their hives for many reasons.  One type of flight is called a “foraging flight” in which the bee flies out of the hive in a random direction in search of nectar, honeydew, pollen, or water. I was seeking sweeter nectar.

I left with a bang. My last weekend I managed to have a fling with the co-worker I’d been infatuated with for a year. It didn’t help that he wasn’t single, but the intensity felt in such a short period made my takeoff that much more charged with rocket fuel.  I felt I had come to Austin how I was leaving it; open to change, slightly heartbroken, confident I was making the right decision.  For the second time in my life I was ready to live in a city where no one knew my name.

The first few weeks you move to a new place are thrilling, exhilarating. You walk around the streets with a smile on your face.  Every face entrances you; every building arch you’re enamored by is one you’ve never seen before.  The inevitable daily drudge has yet to muck up this new city you live in, and for those first few weeks all you can see are the possibilities, the promise, places you never knew existed.

After the first three months faded, real feelings began to set in.  Not the fun ones. I felt achingly alone.  I’d moved before to a different city without knowing anyone, but this time I felt hollower on the inside. I missed the fast fling I had left in Austin, even though I knew there was no way it would’ve worked out with him anyhow.

A week later I got into my first bike accident ever.  In Austin I had lived as a commuter cyclist, with no car for three years and never got in an accident.  This accident in DC seemed even scarier since I wasn’t wearing a helmet. There I was, glass and blood coming out of my forehead from the cut above my eyebrow, dribbling down my favorite late-summer slip dress onto the Adams Morgan concrete beneath me. I could hear the shrieking ambulance sirens approaching.

It was harder to make friends in DC.  Unlike Austin where I had had a grad program acting as a crutch for early friendships, here it was different.  No community to lean on.  Who was I in this new place?

I guess I thought that once I finished high school, studied abroad, graduated college, got my Masters, paid my own bills, lived in a city as a single, independent woman, every question mark I ever had in my head would turn into a period. Instead they all just turned into ellipses and I wondered what I “needed” to do next.  What was next on the checklist? I couldn’t move to a new city again. There was no escape plan in that exhausted idea. 

A man! A man was the only thing missing from my checklist. Maybe once I had him all the ellipses would be periods. Finally, I could take a nap and get some rest. If I had only known the ways of the bees months before I wouldn’t have come to this fear based conclusion. In the hive community the Queen bee births all the brood (offspring). She is the sole source of life. Without her presence there is no hive. It is not a patriarchal system. Although the Queen bee does need Drones (male bees) to produce brood, she relies on her fellow Worker bees (sterile female bees) to help her and the hive thrive and stay strong.

Did I mention I have a proclivity for Ernest Hemingway-like men who are much older than me and make me feel like shit about myself? Well I started dating one of those men. He would fix it all. These months of my heart being high-jacked were ones of struggle, no appetite, and tears. All my energy was spent trying to impress him, getting to know him, lusting after him.  I had no energy or foresight to go make new friends. He would be my key to new friends, a new life; happiness. I was constantly trying to convince this drone that I was worth loving. I listened to him talk a lot, but never did much of the talking. I nodded so much I probably looked like a bobble head. I felt like one too. My head wasn’t really connected to the rest of my body so my soul felt like a big jumbled mess, confused between the head and the heart of my plastic existence.

I was being inauthentic.  I remember sending a “Merry Christmas” email to Ernest Hemingway only to get a response a month later saying, “Sorry we lost touch - you know how that happens when people date?” Another bold, searing question mark. I was back at the beginning. I couldn’t take anymore question marks. 

Darwin was bothered that he could not rationalize the fact that sterile Worker bees would display altruism towards the Queen.  Where did this will come from if they were unable to be encouraged by the possibility of offspring? One theory, “Kin selection,” explains that worker bees are more related to each other than they are to their parents. By helping each other, they are helping themselves to produce a strong, thriving hive, in which genes can be passed down for the generations.

 I didn’t need a drone to complete me. What I needed to practice was Kin selection; find a hive to shelter myself from this raging tornado of abandonment. I didn’t know it yet, but by engaging in a community, I would find strength as well as enhance the community’s purpose. This was the only way I’d feel I was helping myself find the periods to the sentences.

Ever the academic as my student loan debt can confirm, I signed up for an urban bee keeping class. Why Urban bee keeping?  I had never been stung by a bee in my life, much less kept a bee hive. I live in an apartment complex in DC with no backyard. I knew I wouldn’t be building a hive my first bee season, but I wanted to learn about bees. They seemed like a blue print for a perfect community. They seemed so in sync with one another and mysterious to me. 

When a new Queen Bee is introduced to the hive, she is lowered into a hive encased in a glass vessel, with a cork made from sugar.  As the weeks go by, the bees get used to the Queen and her pheromones as they slowly eat away the sugar cork.  I desperately wanted someone to eat away at my sugar cork and let me burst free from this glass house I’d been living in.

My class became my colony; the hive from which I entered and was enriched by. Each Saturday I woke up early to get to bee class.  I even had a man ask for me to sleep over at his house after a long night of kissing. I wasn’t feeling him that strongly anyways, but it was fun to say, “I can’t, I have an urban bee class tomorrow morning!” and receive the strangest face ever. That’s how I knew he wasn’t really for me. The bees saved me from another Ernest Hemingway.

I no longer cared about completing my checklist. I only cared about the bees, and questioning the question marks. What else did I want to do now that I had freed myself from a checklist existence? What else was I here to do?

My purpose is not to be the world’s greatest bee keeper. But taking the class got me out of my comfort zone, led me to question my insecurities, embrace new people, and make new friendships. Even if I was a newbie and had no clue what I was talking about when it came to bees, I was now a part of a community. There was no winning or losing and all my hellos were received with smiles when I sat in my classroom chair.

 

Because of bee class I had someone to spend a Sunday brunch with. And not just one person, but a swarm of people. As I sat on the patio that Sunday, sipping a mimosa under the early spring sun in the cool breeze with my new found friends, I realized there were periods at the end of the sentences in my head. And the ones that ended in question marks did not scare me anymore. I had found my place in the hive.

10 ways to spring forward

TEN WAYS TO SPRING FORWARD

 

Even though we’re fast approaching the first day of Spring, tonight it’s snowing outside my window.  In trying to shake off this snowy haze I’ve been stuck in, I’ve found ten sparks of inspiration for getting yourself to spring forward and embrace the blossoming to come.

1.       Perfume
Everyone needs their signature scent. Whether it is a body spray or an expensive French Eau de toilette – find your scent!  One day you may feel like lemongrass zing, the next a smokey violet. If you’re in need of a pick me up, spritz a bit on your neck and wrists before you leave the house in the morning. You only need a spray or two to feel a little luxurious. It’s like wearing an invisible Harry Winston necklace. Everyone can see the smile on your face but no one knows your secret.


2.       Bright colors
During the winter months it’s easy to let the surrounding colors collect on your clothes. Instead of looking like you’re walking through an L.L. Bean catalog, remember to wear your favorite colors.  If your signature color is black try wearing an unexpected hue that complements your hair, eyes, or skin tone. I like wearing my coral tweed spring coat in these tired winter days. It makes my cheeks look brighter and the glow I get from wearing it is a confidence booster. It pops against the gray skies and white snow.


3.       A drink
A green juice or smoothie is a great morning cheers to your health.  Getting a glass of wine or sipping green tea while reading a book is the best respite after a busy day.


4.       Fresh flowers
The next time you go to the grocery store, try to pick up fresh flowers.  Flowers brighten a room.  Having a bit of nature inside your home will remind you that spring is indeed coming very soon.


5.       Used book store
lost is exactly what you are supposed to do in a used book store. It yields the best results. You walk out with a book – or seven – that you may not have known existed. I got an Italian travel book in February and it allowed me to take a mini vacation to Tuscany without putting a dent in my bank account. And speaking of travels….


6.       Take a trip
A great thing to do is type in a place you’ve always dreamed of going on a travel site.  If you can’t go there this instance, due to time or money, you can still plan for it.  Put a jar in your bedroom and fill it with pocket change. Label it’s outside with your desired destination.  Whether it is a weekend trip or month long one, it’s wonderful to look forward to a new adventure.


7.       Dancing to ________ in your underwear
This is so much fun.  Even more so when you don’t feel like it.  It’s hard to be pissed off about anything when you’re dancing in your underwear. Go Tom Cruise style: socks, sans pants, while wearing sunglasses. Show tunes, punk rock, Led Zeppelin – play whatever moves you. Close your door and start your risky business!


8.       Karaoke
Are you scared of singing in front of crowds? Karaoke is not about being the next contestant of, “The Voice”.  It’s about having fun and celebrating. If you need the liquid courage have a bit, but not too much so that you don’t feel the thrill of singing with reckless abandon as your friends guffaw, dance, or do both at the same time on the sidelines.  The rush you get from not caring what other people think about you is a wonderful buzz. People are attracted to those who take chances and don’t mind occasionally making a fool of themselves.


9.       Yoga, running
As soon as it is warm outside I put on my running shoes and get the blood flowing. If your motivation is “finito” before you have begun, make a new running playlist.  This musical inspiration helps me break the mile barrier.  If you’ve never ran before, but want to try, download an iPhone Running application, like Couch to 5k.  It’s a great way to ease into running while not feeling overwhelmed. Walking the majority of the time and running for five minutes at a time is a great start! If running isn’t your thing, go to a community yoga class.  Usually yoga studios offer a once a week donation class, that is less expensive than the average class.  This way you can ease yourself into yoga and see if the instructors are ones you will like.  Stretching and sweating give your face a better glow than bronzer ever could. You’ll feel reenergized and ready for Spring.


10.   Something sparkly
I don’t own much expensive jewelry, but buying or wearing the occasional sparkly brooch attached to my jacket lapel, hat, or scarf really brightens up an outfit.  If you’re the crafty type, peruse Etsy for inspiration and construct a glitter covered object of desire. Barettes, scarves, even furniture if you are feeling brazen!  Anything you can imagine can be covered in glitter. As for the aftermath that is up to you, but why not spread glitter everywhere in this world! You’ll leave a signal of Spring.

1.      

you are limitless.

I never really believed that phrase, "the world is your oyster."
but lately I am beginning to believe it is right.







After months of wondering if i had anymore goals or dreams,
I've finally found the strength to daydream.
I'm finally allowing myself to dream big. And while dreaming big, I had these thoughts:

It's appalling to me how easily we believe others when they say what we can, can't, should, and shouldn't do.

Following your heart is the truest thing you can do for yourself and your dreams. If your heart is leading you somewhere or to something, it is for a reason. If your intentions are true, it will cancel out all the people that tell you not to do it. That said, it's good to have realistic goals.  And it is good to have a group of trusted individuals who you trust that can help guide you to your goals, shape them into being.

What holds us back?

• When someone tells us it's stupid.
• When someone says we can't do it; it's too hard.
• When someone tells us we're "crazy"
• When we tell ourselves we're not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, etc.

But all these thing are only words. They are not facts or based in any truth.
Yet, why do we invest so much belief into these false phrases??? Are we afraid of our goals, and using excuses lets us avoid that fear? Lets us ignore the fear and succumb to denial because it's easier than thinking about the truth?





I think all we can do in this world is daydream, dream, make many lists of those dreams and go out and do them.  There is no timeline, there is no shoulds or musts.

It's odd how the easiest and the hardest part is to follow your heart. But in a way that's the only thing you need to know. Whether it's sipping the early morning coffee or taking a trip to Brazil, however big or small, if we are living with true, thoughtful intentions and letting our hearts lead us, we will have the world at our fingertips.

So remember you are limitless.  Things people say are simply words, not truth. The only truth you have is the one within.































   

my tribe

i hate it when people bail on me.
moving to a new city is so much harder than you think it will be. i figured since i did it once, the second time would be easier. but sometimes i feel like it's just as hard.
i can't wait for when i finally find my tribe. i think i've found some of them already.
i have to remember to be patient.

one thing i've learned in the past year is that this cliche is true:

quality relationships take quality time. you can make fast friends, but it is the amount of time and how open you are with them that makes them worthy friends, friends that will be there for you. this goes for romantic relationships as well.




PHOTO CREDIT: Daasanach tribe girl - Omorate Ethiopia by Eric Lafforgue, via Flickr

Out of Town Weekend: NEW YORK

i stayed in a different city this weekend. all the girls who walked the streets had tired dyed blonde hair, dark brown roots, matte red lips that cradled a cigarette. All of them wore leather jackets or fur but no puffy sleeping bag ones. such as myself.




Me and my friend watched couples on Friday night, Valentine's day, making out on the street between 2-4 am. We were in a bar, seated by a window that overlooked the avenue. After seeing the first couple macking face, we started betting if the couples would go home in the cab together or take separate cabs. It was fun to watch these little soap operas from afar, displaced enough outside the chaos to enjoy the stormy romance without the consequences.

My big purchase of the weekend was my signature perfume. I've realized every sophisticated woman has a signature scent and i want one. It's something I always thought as a rite of passage of sorts for a grown woman so i took the plunge. I bought a REALLY expensive french perfume. It says this on the back of the bottle:

“A woman of such intimidating beauty and sparkling vitality gained the adoration of everyone around her. However, no one knew what she had been through. With her wild spirit, she was tough, stronger than metal, and never looked back. When she met him, for the first time in her life, she could stand still. She may have found the absolu man.”

This is what's in it:

Top notes :

tangerine from Italy, pink pepper from China, blackcurrant from Burgundy

Heart notes :

violet leaves from Grasse, iris Pallida from Tuscany, mimosa from Grasse

Base notes :

patchouli from Indonesia, white amber, tonka bean from Brazil

i'm on wikipedia.

i went to a local bar last night. Most of the entertainment came from the bearded bartenders. there were a bunch of comedians doing stand-up. Wow. that is like the hardest thing to do. I think that would be my personal hell. telling jokes to a dead audience.

This one guy kept on saying on stage and off stage that he was on SNL. And his set wasn't that funny.

I feel like being a comedian or musician is the same. You're either good or not and it's clear. And if you're not good you can fake it for a significant amount of time before someone calls you out. But i say, ride that fake train as long as you can, dear sir!

I saw today that his SNL guy has a wikipedia page. Are wikipedia pages going to become like the new status symbol?  You've made it in life if you have your own wikipedia page? Will it be the new Facebook?

Accomplishments are in the eye of the beholder and sometimes, certain accomplishments are acknowledged by one and all.

It's weird how our online life defines us in our real life, whether we like that or not. When we die, will we be judged by a google search? Or if we had a Wikipedia entry?

Sometimes it seems more life is taking place online than in real life - like online dating. I've never done online dating but it seems like there is a whole WEIRD SICK WORLD going on out there with that. Maybe like 5% is wholesome and weird, but 95% of the stories i hear from my girlfriends are horrific. Maybe I'll try it in 6 months.

a list of shit i wanna do

on  break-up kick, trying to think about shit that makes me happy - shit i want to do:

• continue my writing, but find a workshop and network so i can get better at it and be surrounded by a tribe of sorts
•  travel! weekend trips! montreal, NOLA, savannah, boston, philadelphia, nyc...
• speak in Italian, re-learn Italian!
• take an art history course, a free one, most likely online. haaaaa i have no more money to spend on education.
• fall in love with the possibilities
• Hike the Camino!
• Sunbathe in Brazil
• Volunteer - somewhere, doing something
• Live in Italy. Again. Or just take many trips there.

ahab goes to an art gallery.

I'm going out tonight w/ the white whale to an art gallery....of course. last night we spoke on the phone for 2 hours. This seems to be becoming a regular occurrence. Once we start talking we just have so much to share and we want to get it all out, like we don't have enough time or something.

he told me a lot about himself. he was an open book and shared some pretty major details about him and his life thus far. i deeply appreciated this. but I'm not so ready to tell those things about myself. it's too soon and i gotta trust before any of that happens. and that takes me awhile. i can pretend trust, ignore it's absence - that's easy. but actually trusting with a whole heart is difficult for me.

to love someone too much is a great risk; but miracles still happen and sometimes things come true.
It reminds me of the scene in "Moonstruck" when the mother says to the daughter:

[Loretta announces she's going to marry Johnny Camareri]
Cosmo Castorini: I don't like him.
Rose: You're not going to marry him, Cosmo. Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: No.
Rose: Good.
[She looks at Cosmo]
Rose: When you love them they drive you crazy because they know they can.

 Then later in the movie when Rose decides to marry the man she is REALLY in love with:
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: Aw, ma, I love him awful.
Rose: Oh, God, that's too bad.

The White Whale has lived longer than i have. He has more experiences. Yet, we click. We never run out of things to say and i find him devastatingly handsome, like so handsome it has a sweet pain attached to it. sort of like "la dolore exquisite" only i think there is a big chance i will be with him. He's irresistible.

He tripped me up a couple times on the phone with questions and he got quite a kick out of making me go silent. Not many people do that to me.
"So how is it that you don't you have a boyfriend?"
...

I cherish the fact that he wants to go at a glacial speed. I've had to many failures based on lightening speed lustful attractions. It's time to try something new. I want an exclusive partner who wants to get to know me, the true, real me; not just the physical. I'm over that and want the full experience of truly loving someone else.

looking in and out

this year was a doozy in good and bad ways. it was extremely stressful at times.

in jan-april of this year i was frantically searching for a new job, knowing my contract would end June 1st.

I got a new, better paying, more fulfilling job in May of this year which was a huge relief. This job just happened to be in the next city i wanted to live in, which is also a plus.

I moved across the country in May to start my new life out here, a new chapter. The past several months have been thrilling, very lucky, lonesome, full of laughter, tears, sexy, and heartache.  I barely went home this year and that is one thing i am changing in the new year. I saw my parents twice. Seeing my family grounds me. This year was so full of change and I was alone to deal with all of that. My move, bike accident, ill-fated relations with men. It's hard when you move to a new city and go thru all that shit alone. But - this is growing up, this is becoming who you are meant to be, this is making you better.

Another crazy phase I'm in right now is that I'm suffering from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory syndrome.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[last lines]
Willy Wonka: But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
Charlie Bucket: What happened?
Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.
[hugs Charlie]
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I recently have had the most blessed experience of getting everything you've worked hard for, wish desperately for, wanted for a very long time. I feel guilty that I'm not insanely happy. But I am insanely grateful.

But for some reason I still feel like there is something else. Yet, I do not know what that "else" is. I've been going to yoga and church trying to meditate on the finding the answer. I'm writing more every day. I'm trying to dream new dreams for myself. I constantly ask, "what is next for me to do?" "what am i supposed to do next?"

But i realize these aren't really the questions i should be asking. I think where I am right now is where I am meant to be.

I'm going to try to let my heart guide me - as i always have - for the next few months. Maybe my intuition will guide me to my next goals. I know I've always wanted to get published. And maybe this is the time to pay attention to that wish? I also want to volunteer and contribute to my surrounding community.

I wish I was growing in reverse like Benjamin Button. I believe I was born at age 40 and have been trying to gain immaturity since birth. "Lightening up" is difficult for me to do. I'm a serious thinker and creator and sometimes i get lost in those heavy thoughts. Another personal goal of mine is to not take life so seriously.


All i know for sure at this time in my life is the twenties are a weird, wild, terrifying and ecstatic ride.