Like it's supposed to.

Never settle for less.
Never stop dreaming big, and (seemingly) insurmountable dreams.
Never stop believing in the HTSP.

Sometimes I get mad at myself and think, "why am I not completely fulfilled w/ this perfect ____ [insert the following: bf, job, city, body, lifestyle, etc.] when it is exactly what I wanted and not bad at all?"

But many times, once I finally complete a goal or "get" the guy, I become dissatisfied. I immediately look to the next goal, plan, man, city to move to.

I think for my age it is natural to have ambition/dreams/goals/new ideas.  I think there needs to be a balance struck between relishing in/and enjoying your accomplishments as well as planning new ones.  I think if you get too wrapped up in relishing you get too comfortable and never stretch yourself, possibly becoming bored, or worse: boring.  I think if you are always focusing on THE NEXT thing, you lose the beauty of your current life, the blessings you have been given, or worse, you can become sickeningly self-focused (which could lead to depression or anxiety).

I am still trying to find this balance.  I do have ideas, but I try to live in the moment everyday. I think if you're always living in the future you're never going to be satisfied. If you're always chasing something that has yet to come into existence, how could you ever be happy?

OF COURSE, this whole concept for me is easier said than done.  Some days it is one, then the next day the other.  Can these two notions live in harmony?

Maybe after I turn 30.....

the pact

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Do what you did yesterday, go on repeating
'cos my heart's only on fire when you are the teacher
You take the torch and I, follow the leader
You'd be my master and I'll be your fever

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You told me your past was taken by thieves
Since then you've been running in search of reliefs
You don't know when it's coming, I don't know either
You'd be my master and I'll be your fever

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The angels are singing, words written for you
Trumpets are telling of your beauty and truth
But you've been working it out for yourself like some over-achiever
So just be my master and I'll be your fever

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But you knew this is all I need, no more or no less
Your highness I bow to thee and to thee this I confess
I was lost in a forest but now I'm a believer
So you'd be my master and I'll be your fever

So do what you did yesterday go on repeating
'cos my heart's only on fire when you are the teacher
You take the torch and I, follow the leader
You'd be my master and I'll be your fever
You'd be my master and I'll be your fever
You'd be my master and I'll be your fever

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You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.

Jesse: Well, you're welcome. You know, I think that book that I wrote, in a way, was like building something. So that I wouldn't forget the details of the time that we spent together. You know like, just as a reminder that...that once we really did meet, you know, that this was real. This happened.

Céline: I’m happy you’re saying that because...I mean, I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like (snaps her fingers) this! You know? People just have an affair or even...entire relationships...they break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have...their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost.

Each relationship when it ends really damages me; I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because...it hurts too much! Even getting laid - I actually don't do that. I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things.

Maybe I'm crazy, but...when I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school. One day she followed me to see why. I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees rolling on the sidewalk or...ants crossing the road...the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk...little things. I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details so specific to each of them that move me and that I miss, and...will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.

(Smiling directly at Jesse.) Like I remember the way your beard has a little bit of red in it. And how the sun was making it glow that...that morning, right before you left. I remember that and...I missed it! I'm really crazy, right?

Proust Questionnaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
sitting on a porch in the shade and sun, w/ a book and something to drink. occasionally stopping to people watch.
What is your greatest fear?
not doing all the things on my to-do list.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
It's hard to answer this, b/c it's not like I'd ever meet a historical figure, so I don't know how they were, but a few I'd like to emulate would be Dorothy Parker, Djuna Barnes, or Lee Miller.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I interrupt people when they're talking.  I feel I'm getting better w/ age, but I know I still do it.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Jealousy
What is your greatest extravagance?
Food & Wine and music. I'm all about funding my hedonism before basics. :/
What is your favorite journey?
visiting home for the holidays.
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
i want rock hard abs!!! :)
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"cray-cray", "boo-boo", "i don't wanna sound _____ but, ..."
What is your greatest regret?
there are non regrets, don't you know that?!
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
i have love affairs w/ writers all the time. I'd say art is a great love affair. the act of creativity.
When and where were you happiest?
Can't remember a specific moment, but they usually involve, travel, friends and food all at the same time.
Which talent would you most like to have?
To be able to play an instrument.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My wonderful friends. Always doing what i say I'm going to.  fulfilling dreams i have and not backing down.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
i hope an artist!
What is your most treasured possession?
paintings from Italy and Greece i bought on travels.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
being controlled by someone against your will.
Where would you like to live?
i like to move alot, too many place! but I'd say Europe, Argentina, Ethiopia are top on the list today.
What is your favorite occupation?
writing, reading, yoga, eating good food, singing
What is your most marked characteristic?
my expressiveness when i speak or tell a story.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
strong hands, and the type of mysteriousness that never ends well (still haven't been able to kick that habit...)
What do you most value in your friends?
their willingness to act as a therapist (if need be), their encouragement, but mostly their laughter and humor.
Who are your favorite writers?
Djuna Barnes, Jean Rhys, Michael Ondaatje, Bukowski
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Jack Ryan
Who are your heroes in real life?
Aide Workers seem pretty bad-ass, as well as doctors who volunteer themselves for areas in the world who need it
What are your favorite names?
Julia, Lorelei, Taj, Tangerine, "Sassy"
What is it that you most dislike?
dramatic antics, negative people, social media (except FB), waking up early for work
What is your motto?
“Why not?"
"Huzzah."

We need to end the war.

Suicide Is Now the Leading Cause of Death Amongst Active-Duty Soldiers

This war is ruining our generation's mental, physical and spiritual selves.

The war should have ended years ago.  What will it take for us to stop deploying? What more proof is necessary to prove that this war was/is a horrible, pointless fiasco? 

i see what you mean.

Castletown, Isle of Man

How strange the way old lovers move into the present,
tense, and catch you off guard; you tell me
when you were here last you’d taken the steam train to a place
whose name you’ve forgotten, and found a tapas bar.
Going to that island is like going back to the past.

Once we would have drunk a glass of red together
in the Garrison, or waved in unison at the mother
and child in that back garden waving at this steam train.
I see what you mean, I think to myself, I see what you mean,
waving on my own to the time before I was born.

These days we travel to the same places alone:
first you, then me, to this small, half-way island.
I pick up your scent round the narrow cobbled streets,
the medieval castle grounds, through the Market Square:
I stare at the dreamy boats coming into the harbour,

then conjure you, my ex-lover, in the Old House of Keys:
walking along the long and dimly-lit corridor,
across the stone floor – candle in hand – to friendship
carrying the low flame of the past, still flickering, just the same,
into the present, to the place that has no satisfactory name.


Jackie Kay
from Fiere (London: Picador, 2011)

Reproduced by permission of the author

For me.

For her

1

The olive leaves
That decorated our door
Are long now

It’s a month since you left.

2

Your ring shines
In a dark corner

You will come tomorrow.

3

For me
To love you more
I will lead you
To the big room
And before we lean
Toward each other for a kiss
I will light a candle
For me
To see you
More.

Everything, but you.

Everything

Everything is in place
Your mirror
Your gem stones
The burning oil pot
The henna pot
For the Eid to come.
An empty chair
Last summer's shirt
Your scent on the pillow
Remnants of our last day’s kiss
Everything is there
Even the sun
We saw sinking behind our balcony
Everything, but you


by Khalid Albudoor

my future ex-husband.

My future ex husband leaving a yoga class in Dublin.

i saw Jane Eyre for the first time yesterday ...

I went to Afternoon Tea at a movie theater yesterday.  Three teas were given, along w/ a scone, a cucumber sandwich and a lemon lavender sweet cake.

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The 2011 version, directed by Cary Fukunaga is a beautiful Gothic love letter to Charlotte Bronte's novel, Jane Eyre.

The last time I read Jane Eyre was at 13 or 14.  I thought Mr. Edward Fairfax Rochester was really mean and I thought Jane Eyre was annoying because she kept being a smart-ass and never backed down.  I wanted her to wilt like all the other romance stories I had heard from my youth.  This wasn't following the protocol, my 14 y/o self thought.

Obviously, my perceptions of the novel's tale has changed since middle school.  I now see Rochester as a charming old romantic and Jane as a strong woman figure in literature.  I like that she does not so easily fall for Rochester's moves, I like that she is independent and makes her own life happen on her own.  And - i like that despite all the horrible things that have happened to her, she ultimately gets over her fear and embraces love and believes in it again.  She faces her fear and wins!  May we all be this courageous.

The only qualm I had was that they made Michael  Fassbender look like a nasty homeless man in the final scene.  He's too hot to do that too! ;)

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book. Coming out of Fassbender's mouth, they made me weak at the knees!


"Because, he said, "I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you - especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land some broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, - you'd forget me.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre



Rochester: [after Jane and Mr. Rochester have put out a fire that was set to his bed] Say nothing about this. You are no talking fool. 
Jane Eyre: But... 
Rochester: I'll account for the state of affairs. Say nothing. 
Jane Eyre: Yes, sir. 
Rochester: Is that how you would leave me? Jane, fire is a horrible death. You've saved my life. Don't walk past me as if we were strangers. 
Jane Eyre: What am I to do, then? 
[Rochester offers his hand, which she hesitates before taking. He covers her hand with his and draws closer] 
Rochester: I have a pleasure in owing you my life. 
Jane Eyre: There is no debt. 
Rochester: I knew you would do me good in some way. I saw it in your eyes when I first beheld you. Their expression did not strike my very inmost being so for nothing. People talk of natural sympathies. You... 
Jane Eyre: Good night then, sir. 
Rochester: You will leave me, then. 
Jane Eyre: I am cold. 
Rochester: Go. 


“Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal — as we are!” 
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre



“Rochester: "Jane, be still; don't struggle so like a wild, frantic bird, that is rending its own plumage in its desperation."

Jane: "I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being, with an independent will; which I now exert to leave you.” 
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre


“I have for the first time found what I can truly love–I have found you. You are my sympathy–my better self–my good angel–I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wrap my existence about you–and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one.” 
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre


“I can live alone, if self-respect, and circumstances require me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.” 
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre


“I had not intended to love him; the reader knows I had wrought hard to extirpate from my soul the germs of love there detected; and now, at the first renewed view of him, they spontaneously revived, great and strong! He made me love him without looking at me.” 
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

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Rochester: Pilot. Who's there? This hand. Jane Eyre. Jane Eyre. 
Jane Eyre: Edward, I'm come back to you. Fairfax Rochester with nothing to say. 
Rochester: You're altogether a human being Jane. 
Jane Eyre: I conscientiously believe so. 
Rochester: I dream. 
Jane Eyre: Awaken then. 

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The sea stood up and hugged you

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Mrs. Dalloway

“Mrs Dalloway is always giving parties to cover the silence”
― Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway 

i am having a party tonight.  i am hoping that everyone has a good time. that everyone eats and drinks gluttonously, that hedonism is the king of the night.

i am hoping someone meets someone else. gets a number.  fumbles for their phone. hopes to hear back that week.

i am hoping that my band drinks while we play but still sound good. that my friend Ben plays his "pirate song", the one i love so much. 

i am hoping someone finds a connection.  sweeps the crowd and notices a flag coming out of a strangers head, as if to say - "yes, it's me."

i am hoping no couples go home mad at one another - or longing for another person to get in the car w/ them.  i am hoping the couples go home and make a sweet sweet love that can only be brought on by wine and backyard lights; that half horny/half drunken state of love-making.

i am hoping two people makeout in a room where no one else is.

i am hoping the ice does not melt and my jello shots taste as good as any jello shot can taste.

That's the way the whole thing ends

 Nothing ever really ends w/ an explosion, more of an inflatable pool toy slowly and painfully letting all the air out, then sinking to the bottom....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Say you wanna see my garden
And you wanna make it shine
Say you wanna see my blue jeans
Hanging on your old clothesline

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Standing in the backdoor crying
Now you wanna be my friend
That's the way the cornbread crumbles
That's the way the whole thing ends

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Now what's a little baby doing
Dressing up in banker's clothes?

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Now what's a little sweetheart like you
Doing with a bloody nose?

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Standing in the backdoor crying
Now you're gonna need a friend
That's the way the cornbread crumbles
That's the way the whole thing ends

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Now once you had a hook and ladder
Up into the headless night

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And once you had a motorcycle
But you couldn't ride it right

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Standing in the doorway crying
Now you're gonna need a friend
That's the way the cornbread crumbles
That's the way the whole thing ends

Someone said something one time
But Daddy didn't talk too loud
People oughta stick together
That's the way to make a crowd

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But here you come alone and crying
Now you wanna be my friend
That's the way the cornbread crumbles
That's the way the whole thing ends

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Momma's in the beauty parlor

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And Daddy's in the baseball pool

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Sister's in the drive-in movie

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Brother's in the old high school

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Now here you come alone and crying
Once, you know, you were my friend
That's the way the cornbread crumbles
That's the way the whole thing ends

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Standing in the backdoor crying
Now you wanna be my friend
That's the way the cornbread crumbles
That's the way the whole things ends

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Strangers.

This is a song from an old friend.

Build your dreams
To the stars above
But when you need someone true to love
Don't go to strangers
Lover come to me

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Play with fire
Get your fingers burned

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But when there's no place left to turn
Don't go to strangers
Lover come to me

You give the call to follow your heart
You'll follow your heart, I know
I've been around
I'm an old hand
I'll understand if you have to go

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So make your mark
For your friends to see

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But when you need more than company
Don't go to strangers
Lover come to me

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Don't go to strangers
Lover come to me

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