http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/08/4-things-i-want-my-daughter-to-know-about-relationships/
In a recent interview while promoting her upcoming movie, Red 2, Helen Mirren revealed the first thing she would have told her daughter—had she had one—was to “f*** off.”
She explained:
“If I’d had children and had a girl, the first words I
would have taught her would have been “f*** off” because we weren’t
brought up ever to say that to anyone, were we? And it’s quite valuable to have the courage and the confidence to say, “No, f*** off, leave me alone, thank you very much.”
The quote that made headlines and gave me yet another reason to
*heart* this amazing woman. Sorry, Elizabeth II, you may be Queen of
England, but Helen Mirren is Queen of the World.
As the mother of a four year old,
I find myself wondering what I am going to tell my daughter about relationships when she gets older.
When I started dating as a teen, I knew very little about
relationships. I knew the facts about sex and about peer pressure, but I
knew nothing about actual relationships.
Like a lot of girls that age, I wanted my boyfriend at the time to
like me. I did things that I really did not want to do or felt
comfortable doing and no, I am not just talking about sexual things.
For example, I did not realize that the anger my high school
boyfriend expressed every time he saw me talk to my guy friends was not
“cute” or “funny,” but creepy and a sign he had control issues.
Likewise, I didn’t see it as an indication that the man I dated in
college who had a habit of treating the dining hall employees and
custodians like they were not even there treated everyone in life like
they were insignificant unless they could be useful to help him get
ahead in life.
Don’t get me wrong; I am not blaming my mother. She actually did the
best she could. Given what I was like, I am not even certain if I would
have taken the advice had I been given.
However, I still wish someone had given me these tips beforehand.
While I don’t believe they would have saved me from every heartache, I
do believe they may have spared me from some and saved me a lot of time
in the process as I slowly came to figure them out on my own.
1. Make your own money and pay your own bills.
Perhaps my daughter will partner up with a
generous man (or woman for that matter) who is wealthy and lavishes her
with gifts, trips, etc. However, it’s so important to actually have
your own money that you earn yourself.
As author Elizabeth Wurtzel writes in her manifesto, The Bitch Rules, “girls who pay their own way don’t have to be nice.” She’s 100% correct there.
A lot of times, though, I hear women
(especially young women) pine for the life of a pampered trophy wife.
When I hear them I always want to say be careful what you wish for
because you just might get it.
There is a huge difference if you happen
to fall in love with someone who is very wealthy vs. being with someone
largely or mainly because they are wealthy and you expect to be taken
care of. Yes, money is nice and having someone else make all the
decision is hugely seductive but after having met some current and
former trophy wives, it really isn’t all its cracked up to be. Having an
adult being dependent on another adult tends to be old quick. And while
it may be an ego boost to have a successful partner, at the end of the
days, their accomplishments are not yours.
It’s interesting to note that many former
trophy wives I have known have attempted to set up their own businesses
after they divorced and got big settlements not because they had to but
because they wanted to. I believe a lot of that had to do with the
desire to be as separate, successful beings apart from their big shot
exes. I am sure there are some women who are happy if they never
accomplish anything on their own and have all their materials need and
wants met, but I have yet to meet one who didn’t want something that she
could say was hers and hers alone.
2. You are not liberated because
you can hook-up like the guys and give out blow jobs as freely as some
people exchange email addresses.
Sorry if that latter one is crude, but I cannot put it any other way.
I remember when a few years ago, a Duke University student’s blog called
“The F**K List Thesis” about
the number of male conquests she had went viral. It created a lot of
controversy. Some (even many feminists) blasted her while others argued
that it was the old double standard at work: the boys do it all the time
and overwhelmingly, it is seen as a badge of honor.
I recall feeling very sorry for her and
these men. From the sound of it, there was no intimacy nor did it even
sound like the sex was fulfilling for this young woman. Maybe some read
this as liberating and a way for her to claim her sexuality, but I did
not.
I am someone who believes in full sexual
equality, but I don’t think the way to achieve it is going to be by
treating sex as a game and failing to give it the respect it deserves.
Frankly, when I read things like this, I don’t know how the parties
involved can have any respect for themselves much less other people.
Also, as someone who went to a rival
university less than an hour away, I thought it was sad that she was at
one of the best universities in the world and couldn’t blog about
anything interesting that was happening there in, say, one of the
classes she was taking. Surely, there must have some sort of stimulation
that she could get that involved her brain rather than her nether
regions?
This brings me to a big one.
3. Have your own interests and hobbies besides the person in your life.
An interest doesn’t have to be the same
as a career though I would argue having a separate career can be a great
thing. I spend a great deal of time doing photography even though I
have never sold a single photo nor attempted to, and 99% of the time, I
am the only one who sees the photos. I don’t think I am Sally Mann—I
love the art of photography and always have every since I was young
child.
The thing about a hobby or interest is that you don’t have to be good at to get fulfillment from it.
4. Observe how he treats the “real people”-the waiters, the cashiers, etc.
It’s easy to act nice to “big” important
people. However, personal experience shows that how he treats the common
folks really shows his character.
In addition to the former boyfriend I
mentioned at the beginning of this piece, I had a boss once who was a
senior partner in a very well-known law firm. What impressed me the most
about him is that he made it a point to say good morning to everyone
from the other senior partners to the temp who worked in the mailroom.
In his eyes, everyone was equally important, and I saw him apply that to
everyone from “captains of industry” to the lady who did the catering.
Be very, very wary of the man who treats
the waitress at the fancy bistro he takes you to like garbage or fails
to leave a tip. One day, you might fall out of his favor and be on the
receiving end of that treatment.
In closing, no single piece of advice can ever adequately prepare
anyone for all the things that go into making successful relationships.
(If someone does know the magic formula, then please tell me first.)
However, there are a few things
I want my daughter and all young women to be aware of before
they start on their dating/relationship adventures. I don’t claim to be
an expert by any means and like everyone else, I am still learning.
Perhaps, though, had I just been aware of these things—even if I hadn’t
really been paying full attention—it would have helped me along the way.
In any event, I intend to share these things with my own daughter when she gets older.
At the very least, it cannot hurt.
