Friday night i went out with friends, then met up with Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw. We had a few drinks and it was fun to talk and spend time w/ him. there was no kissing cuz i was sick. I haven't heard back from him since :/ i texted him today, so we'll see if he says hello.
Last night i got a text from RPJ, my ex. He asked what I was up to and that he was glad we were talking again and we should hang out soon. I called him. He told me he was at a bar around the corner from me.
So i threw on my coat and went to have a few drinks with my "buddy".
we continue to drink. he pays for all my drinks. he takes my hand in his hand and tells me why it's so hard for him. why he disappears on women. why he gets scared. he tells me about being in a helicopter, sitting across from a medic and a man with his brain coming out of his mouth.
you've been through some heavy shit, I agree.
he tells me he's always been this way. he gets really into someone then pulls away.
you're testing me. seeing if i'll still be there. still hang out and be cool and be there when you come back.
he values his loner-ness. his solitaire. he wants someone who will be ok with that. that's why he leaves or suddenly doesn't talk to me for a long time.
you keep holding my hand. you say your father's death doomed us. we would be together if not for that loss. you weren't present and couldn't find your way back.
you tell me i'm cute, you tell me you're being seduced. "you're seducing me."
you love my hands. they feel so good, they're so soft. you rub them and hold them tight. you squeeze my arms and hands. you laugh when i get pink in the cheeks and tell me, "you're turning red." i say no it's just the lighting. you say no. don't be silly. you love that i'm so playful.
we start speaking in italian. anchio te. mi piace luigino.
i tell you how heartbroken i was.
we cash out. you walk me back to my place. it's so so cold and windy. we get inside my lobby and we kiss. my lips and yours dancing. all i'm thinking in my head is i want you. i'm thinking it so loud and so hard that i swear you hear my mind through our kissing.
are lips are dancing with the occasional scratch from your stubble.
we head downstairs to my apartment. i hope my roommate is not up because if she is she will give me an eye roll and make me feel like a high school student misbehaving in detention.
she's not up thank god. i tell you to go to my room while i make the tea.
i show you the camera my parents gave me, their 80s Canon. this was your first camera you say.
you fool with it and show me how it works, where the battery is. i love you.
i pour the tea and you're already lying down in my unmade bed. you're comfortable.
i put down the tea and you barely sips any. you tell me to come here and snuggle. but we don't even snuggle too long before we are kissing.
we lay in bed and my alarm goes off. the day must begin. my routine calls. i wash my face and dress and make my lunch.
we walk down the street. it's still cold. i am humming good morning music. "good morning, good morning, it's great to stay up late" - "oh what a beautiful morning"
"do you always sing in the morning?"
"no ... wait, ya i guess i do! i hum and sing to myself."
we part ways and say see ya. you go up the street and i go to work. i still love you but i no longer am waiting for you. i can't wait. i must live out this novel of my life. with or without you.
is it wrong that last night happened? no. it just happened. this is life. all i do is what feels good, what is right in the moment. maybe it's not in the long run. but i no longer live for others rules. i live for my own rules. as long as i feel comfortable and good, i'm saying yes. life is too short to worry and hate myself. life is to love myself, every inch. all the good and bad bits. it's gorgeous and completely one of a kind.
sleeping next to him felt so good. a little part of me loves him after all this and that is the part i think rules my head even when it shouldn't.
the question is, do i want to wait around for him to figure it out? no i don't.
i definitely feel our dynamics are different now, though. i've kicked him off his pedestal and he is just another man. Unfortunately i am still in love with this man.
It's not as simple as saying I'm never going to see him again and cut him out. I can't do it. I've tried.
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