It's a blur

I applied to a Barista/Gelato part time job. What if I take my buddy's offer to be a bartender in the busy part of the city? That'd be hard, but i wonder if I'd make more money.

I feel myself transitioning into a new me. I feel tougher and a bit more fucked up. Tired. A 40 something waitress in New York City. A boxer who has come out of a ring. I feel like Steve McQueen. I am both proud and scared shitless, I am in love and lonely.





I sprained my ankle very badly last night. If you asked me i would tell you it was from running. But I will tell you the truth. It was from coming down from the roof deck with MMJC and our 5th beers. I set my foot down and the step dropped much farther than I had anticipated. But of course in the state i was in i laughed, no pain. But today holy shit it hurts.

I got a text from MMJC last night. I met him at my corner bar. He has known the owner for years. The owner sat with us and told us stories. The type of stories only a bar owner can tell you.

The bartender I went on a date with was working upstairs. I must confess part of the reason I went to see MMJC was to see what little drama would unfold. One of my flaws.

Bartender came down and I waved. He told me to come visit him upstairs but I wanted to talk to MMJC and Bar owner/Bartender's boss.

He came down later and I introduced MMJC to Bartender. We ALL sat together. At one point I was rubbing both their knees under the bar and neither of them noticed. I felt powerful. That's why I do the things I do.

I left the bar. Said bye to Bartender and MMJC leaving them together at the bar. As if I was leaving two ex-husbands at my house alone. 

I took a cab to MMJC place and we had a good night. I slept over and tried to wake up and went to work questioning everything that had seemed so solid and clear last night.

I don't want a boyfriend. I want to date three men all at the same time. It's sexy and thrilling and dramatic. At times it's quite messy and lonely and wrong. But the rush is incomparable. I feel like I'm living the way I want to. And I care less and less about the status quo. I think as long as I'm happy, that's all that matters.

I am going to try to stop seeing RPJ though. He holds my heart in his teeth - like a grenade ready to explode. There is no stable ground with him. MMJC is at least honest. We both know what is taking place.

I can predict i will break the Bartender's heart. But I don't want to.

But, are we ever truly happy? Even if i was happy I think I'd have something to complain about. Things can always be better, can't they? Or can we not just enjoy each simple pleasure? That's all we may get.

As you get older, things are so much more complicated. Blurry and no longer easy to categorize. I don't know a thing and as soon as I accepted that everything got easier.

We’re just four scary, then joyful minutes away from falling in real love.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/01/the-36-questions-that-offer-a-path-into-love/

We’re just four scary, then joyful minutes away from falling in real love.

Do this at a bar or a private setting. Pass this back and forth on your phone and ask one another each question.

“I Googled Dr. Aron’s questions; there are 36. We spent the next two hours passing my iPhone across the table, alternately posing each question.

They began innocuously: “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” And “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”

But they quickly became probing.”

Then, look at one another’s eyes for four minutes. Read the context here, and here, first (NY Times).

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

Read the full content, as linked above, at the NY Times–it’s well worth it. 

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

the love song that's stuck in my head

 










Friday night i went out with friends, then met up with Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw. We had a few drinks and it was fun to talk and spend time w/ him. there was no kissing cuz i was sick. I haven't heard back from him since :/ i texted him today, so we'll see if he says hello.

Last night i got a text from RPJ, my ex. He asked what I was up to and that he was glad we were talking again and we should hang out soon. I called him. He told me he was at a bar around the corner from me.

So i threw on my coat and went to have a few drinks with my "buddy".

we continue to drink. he pays for all my drinks. he takes my hand in his hand and tells me why it's so hard for him. why he disappears on women. why he gets scared. he tells me about being in a helicopter, sitting across from a medic and a man with his brain coming out of his mouth.

you've been through some heavy shit, I agree.

he tells me he's always been this way. he gets really into someone then pulls away.

you're testing me. seeing if i'll still be there. still hang out and be cool and be there when you come back.

he values his loner-ness. his solitaire. he wants someone who will be ok with that. that's why he  leaves or suddenly doesn't talk to me for a long time.

you keep holding my hand. you say your father's death doomed us. we would be together if not for that loss. you weren't present and couldn't find your way back.
you tell me i'm cute, you tell me you're being seduced. "you're seducing me."
you love my hands. they feel so good, they're so soft. you rub them and hold them tight. you squeeze my arms and hands. you laugh when i get pink in the cheeks and tell me, "you're turning red." i say no it's just the lighting. you say no. don't be silly. you love that i'm so playful.

we start speaking in italian. anchio te. mi piace luigino.
i tell you how heartbroken i was.
we cash out. you walk me back to my place. it's so so cold and windy. we get inside my lobby and we kiss. my lips and yours dancing. all i'm thinking in my head is i want you. i'm thinking it so loud and so hard that i swear you hear my mind through our kissing.

are lips are dancing with the occasional scratch from your stubble.
we head downstairs to my apartment. i hope my roommate is not up because if she is she will give me an eye roll and make me feel like a high school student misbehaving in detention.
she's not up thank god. i tell you to go to my room while i make the tea.
i show you the camera my parents gave me, their 80s Canon. this was your first camera you say.
you fool with it and show me how it works, where the battery is. i love you.
i pour the tea and you're already lying down in my unmade bed. you're comfortable.
i put down the tea and you barely sips any. you tell me to come here and snuggle. but we don't even snuggle too long before we are kissing.

we lay in bed and my alarm goes off. the day must begin. my routine calls. i wash my face and dress and make my lunch.
we walk down the street. it's still cold. i am humming good morning music. "good morning, good morning, it's great to stay up late" - "oh what a beautiful morning"
"do you always sing in the morning?"
 "no ... wait, ya i guess i do! i hum and sing to myself."

we part ways and say see ya. you go up the street and i go to work. i still love you but i no longer am waiting for you. i can't wait. i must live out this novel of my life. with or without you.

is it wrong that last night happened? no. it just happened. this is life. all i do is what feels good, what is right in the moment. maybe it's not in the long run. but i no longer live for others rules. i live for my own rules. as long as i feel comfortable and good, i'm saying yes. life is too short to worry and hate myself. life is to love myself, every inch. all the good and bad bits. it's gorgeous and completely one of a kind.


sleeping next to him felt so good. a little part of me loves him after all this and that is the part i think rules my head even when it shouldn't.
the question is, do i want to wait around for him to figure it out? no i don't.

i definitely feel our dynamics are different now, though. i've kicked him off his pedestal and he is just another man. Unfortunately i am still in love with this man.

It's not as simple as saying I'm never going to see him again and cut him out. I can't do it. I've tried.

A love like that!!!

Although I found Amal Clooney's nuanced elegance and condensation a bit much, the speech George gave that mentioned his LOVE for her made me WEAK IN THE KNEES. 

“I’ve had a pretty good year myself,” he said. “Listen: It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love—even better when you’ve been waiting your whole life. And when your whole life is 53 years, Amal, whatever alchemy it is that brought us together, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.”







 SEE HIM GUSH the speech HERE:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTnVjHCcEn0

http://www.businessinsider.com/george-clooney-golden-globes-acceptance-speech-2015-1


WOWZA. Dear Jesus I hope someday some handsome, intelligent, fascinating man thinks this about me. Until then, I'm loving myself the best I can!!!

Date yourself.

I've been doing the above since Sept. 2013. I can confidently say I know how and enjoy being alone. I just came back from a week long business trip in San Fran and it was AMAZING wandering the city alone. I loved being with myself and had so much fun on tours, sight seeing, and eating food alone.  It wasn't lonely, it was really fun!!! But what if I could have that much fun or more fun with someone else along for the ride? 

Do not get me wrong - I love the freedom of my singularity.  There are 50% things I like about being single and 50% that I would like to have from a partnership.

I'm ready to date someone awesome. But I'm not willing to take the step into online dating b/c my life is so happy and peaceful right now, the thought gives me a headache of inviting someone into my life who will bring drama and fuck it all up. I can only hope after all the bad choices, I'm wiser and I can see characteristics to avoid more clearly.

I think I'm gonna sit back and live my life, keep doing what I'm doing and let the Universe take care of it.  That seems to be the most comfortable option right now.

I want a Frances Ha sorta love

This happened to me once and I would love for it to happen to me again. I miss cuddling and listening to music together and walking hand in hand. I miss the little things of relationships. But, I'm not ready to put myself out there yet so I'm waiting, I guess.

“It’s that thing when you’re with someone, and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it… but it’s a party, and you’re both talking to other people, and you’re laughing and shining… and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes… but – but not because you’re possessive, or it’s precisely sexual… but because… that is your person in this life. And it’s funny and sad, but only because this life will end, and it’s this secret world that exists right there in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us, but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s – That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess.” -Frances Ha (Greta Gerwig)

But when I got drunk on Friday night I did ask out the hot ass Spaniard from May. So we'll see where that goes.

You're Kind of a Big Deal ...

i finally reached the point where i can't believe i ever gave my ex so much power over my self-worth. i'm finally reaching the point where i laugh instead of cry when i think about our time together. i laugh at the fog i was in and how delusional i was thinking he was my one chance at romance and a grand life adventure.

you are your own adventure story. you are the master of your own destiny. never let someone take that away from you. never give that power to someone else. yes, it may seem easier, but in the long run you're essentially sacrificing your soul, your worth, your vision. not worth it.

it's important to keep your heart open. we need to be compassionate and non-judgmental. but this past year i realized the (perhaps) more essential lesson is learning to protect your heart. it's one thing to forgive and show compassion. it's another to let yourself be a doormat with no brain. 

my life is filled with my interests, writing, passion, love. things are so much better now without this toxic person in my life. that's why i laugh when i think about how wrong i was.

i did hit a speed bump recently of jealousy, revenge. my ex and his gf live in my neighborhood so it's not unusual for me to see them out together. he rides his bike up and down my street and we don't even look at each other. or we do, but we both pretend we didn't. in a perfect world we could smile and say hi. but when someone hurts you deeply, it takes awhile. why pretend you respect someone when you don't? why give them a smile of submission? they do not deserve to be in your life. they don't deserve anymore smiles; fake or not.

i'm not necessarily proud of this outcome. but in life not everything ends how you envision. and that is real and that is the best, because this is life!

a recent writer i've become obsessed w/ Lorrie Moore explains this scenario best:










I came out of my jealousy and resentment by diving into myself, my interests and passions. From this experience, I discovered myself again and legitimized why I do not need a shitty partner. I'm waiting for someone who compliments me; there is no one who can complete me. Only I can do that.

And here is the kicker, the latest thing I saw that resonated with my current state: