Like it's supposed to.

Never settle for less.
Never stop dreaming big, and (seemingly) insurmountable dreams.
Never stop believing in the HTSP.

Sometimes I get mad at myself and think, "why am I not completely fulfilled w/ this perfect ____ [insert the following: bf, job, city, body, lifestyle, etc.] when it is exactly what I wanted and not bad at all?"

But many times, once I finally complete a goal or "get" the guy, I become dissatisfied. I immediately look to the next goal, plan, man, city to move to.

I think for my age it is natural to have ambition/dreams/goals/new ideas.  I think there needs to be a balance struck between relishing in/and enjoying your accomplishments as well as planning new ones.  I think if you get too wrapped up in relishing you get too comfortable and never stretch yourself, possibly becoming bored, or worse: boring.  I think if you are always focusing on THE NEXT thing, you lose the beauty of your current life, the blessings you have been given, or worse, you can become sickeningly self-focused (which could lead to depression or anxiety).

I am still trying to find this balance.  I do have ideas, but I try to live in the moment everyday. I think if you're always living in the future you're never going to be satisfied. If you're always chasing something that has yet to come into existence, how could you ever be happy?

OF COURSE, this whole concept for me is easier said than done.  Some days it is one, then the next day the other.  Can these two notions live in harmony?

Maybe after I turn 30.....

the pact

Source: elephantjournal.com via Savannah on Pinterest

Do what you did yesterday, go on repeating
'cos my heart's only on fire when you are the teacher
You take the torch and I, follow the leader
You'd be my master and I'll be your fever

Source: Uploaded by user via Savannah on Pinterest

You told me your past was taken by thieves
Since then you've been running in search of reliefs
You don't know when it's coming, I don't know either
You'd be my master and I'll be your fever

Source: oatmealcakes.tumblr.com via Savannah on Pinterest

The angels are singing, words written for you
Trumpets are telling of your beauty and truth
But you've been working it out for yourself like some over-achiever
So just be my master and I'll be your fever

Source: Uploaded by user via Savannah on Pinterest

But you knew this is all I need, no more or no less
Your highness I bow to thee and to thee this I confess
I was lost in a forest but now I'm a believer
So you'd be my master and I'll be your fever

So do what you did yesterday go on repeating
'cos my heart's only on fire when you are the teacher
You take the torch and I, follow the leader
You'd be my master and I'll be your fever
You'd be my master and I'll be your fever
You'd be my master and I'll be your fever

Source: google.com via Savannah on Pinterest

You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.

Jesse: Well, you're welcome. You know, I think that book that I wrote, in a way, was like building something. So that I wouldn't forget the details of the time that we spent together. You know like, just as a reminder that...that once we really did meet, you know, that this was real. This happened.

Céline: I’m happy you’re saying that because...I mean, I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like (snaps her fingers) this! You know? People just have an affair or even...entire relationships...they break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have...their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost.

Each relationship when it ends really damages me; I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because...it hurts too much! Even getting laid - I actually don't do that. I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things.

Maybe I'm crazy, but...when I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school. One day she followed me to see why. I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees rolling on the sidewalk or...ants crossing the road...the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk...little things. I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details so specific to each of them that move me and that I miss, and...will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.

(Smiling directly at Jesse.) Like I remember the way your beard has a little bit of red in it. And how the sun was making it glow that...that morning, right before you left. I remember that and...I missed it! I'm really crazy, right?

Proust Questionnaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
sitting on a porch in the shade and sun, w/ a book and something to drink. occasionally stopping to people watch.
What is your greatest fear?
not doing all the things on my to-do list.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
It's hard to answer this, b/c it's not like I'd ever meet a historical figure, so I don't know how they were, but a few I'd like to emulate would be Dorothy Parker, Djuna Barnes, or Lee Miller.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I interrupt people when they're talking.  I feel I'm getting better w/ age, but I know I still do it.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Jealousy
What is your greatest extravagance?
Food & Wine and music. I'm all about funding my hedonism before basics. :/
What is your favorite journey?
visiting home for the holidays.
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
i want rock hard abs!!! :)
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"cray-cray", "boo-boo", "i don't wanna sound _____ but, ..."
What is your greatest regret?
there are non regrets, don't you know that?!
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
i have love affairs w/ writers all the time. I'd say art is a great love affair. the act of creativity.
When and where were you happiest?
Can't remember a specific moment, but they usually involve, travel, friends and food all at the same time.
Which talent would you most like to have?
To be able to play an instrument.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My wonderful friends. Always doing what i say I'm going to.  fulfilling dreams i have and not backing down.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
i hope an artist!
What is your most treasured possession?
paintings from Italy and Greece i bought on travels.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
being controlled by someone against your will.
Where would you like to live?
i like to move alot, too many place! but I'd say Europe, Argentina, Ethiopia are top on the list today.
What is your favorite occupation?
writing, reading, yoga, eating good food, singing
What is your most marked characteristic?
my expressiveness when i speak or tell a story.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
strong hands, and the type of mysteriousness that never ends well (still haven't been able to kick that habit...)
What do you most value in your friends?
their willingness to act as a therapist (if need be), their encouragement, but mostly their laughter and humor.
Who are your favorite writers?
Djuna Barnes, Jean Rhys, Michael Ondaatje, Bukowski
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Jack Ryan
Who are your heroes in real life?
Aide Workers seem pretty bad-ass, as well as doctors who volunteer themselves for areas in the world who need it
What are your favorite names?
Julia, Lorelei, Taj, Tangerine, "Sassy"
What is it that you most dislike?
dramatic antics, negative people, social media (except FB), waking up early for work
What is your motto?
“Why not?"
"Huzzah."

We need to end the war.

Suicide Is Now the Leading Cause of Death Amongst Active-Duty Soldiers

This war is ruining our generation's mental, physical and spiritual selves.

The war should have ended years ago.  What will it take for us to stop deploying? What more proof is necessary to prove that this war was/is a horrible, pointless fiasco? 

i see what you mean.

Castletown, Isle of Man

How strange the way old lovers move into the present,
tense, and catch you off guard; you tell me
when you were here last you’d taken the steam train to a place
whose name you’ve forgotten, and found a tapas bar.
Going to that island is like going back to the past.

Once we would have drunk a glass of red together
in the Garrison, or waved in unison at the mother
and child in that back garden waving at this steam train.
I see what you mean, I think to myself, I see what you mean,
waving on my own to the time before I was born.

These days we travel to the same places alone:
first you, then me, to this small, half-way island.
I pick up your scent round the narrow cobbled streets,
the medieval castle grounds, through the Market Square:
I stare at the dreamy boats coming into the harbour,

then conjure you, my ex-lover, in the Old House of Keys:
walking along the long and dimly-lit corridor,
across the stone floor – candle in hand – to friendship
carrying the low flame of the past, still flickering, just the same,
into the present, to the place that has no satisfactory name.


Jackie Kay
from Fiere (London: Picador, 2011)

Reproduced by permission of the author

For me.

For her

1

The olive leaves
That decorated our door
Are long now

It’s a month since you left.

2

Your ring shines
In a dark corner

You will come tomorrow.

3

For me
To love you more
I will lead you
To the big room
And before we lean
Toward each other for a kiss
I will light a candle
For me
To see you
More.