This weekend I went for drinks with an older man. We had one date about 2 weeks ago. He took no initiative, but still contacted me for a non-date. And I still accepted thinking, "alright, at least we can be friends."
He's an interesting person. Bilingual, lived in different countries before. Older. Writes and actually reads books. Nice looking. Things that intrigue me. But I guess my bar isn't high enough.
We had planned to meet at 7pm, somewhere. At 6pm I get a text.
"I'm at [wine bar downtown]. How long will it take for you to get here?"
That's presumptuous. Yes, let me just drop all the shit I'm doing.
I drop it.
"I don't know. I guess 20 minutes if the metro behaves?"
"See you soon."
Ten minutes later,
"What's your ETA?"
My older, emotionally unavailable Ex used to use this phrase. A second glimpse of why I should NOT associate with this person.
"I dunno. 10 minutes I think."
Ten minutes pass. I'm still not on the metro. A minute later I walk through the sliding doors. A minute or two later I get off the metro car, headed to the escalator. I look down at my buzzing phone.
"Come on woman! Get here."
"That's rather demanding, and rude!" I thought. This is the point at which I should have turned around and went home. But I did not listen to my intuition and that's why the shit inevitably would soon hit the fan.
We met at a wine bar, blaring pseudo European electronic dance music. Misogynistic Old Asshole is sitting across from the bar side I'm on. He smiles and waves. I guess he forgot how hot I was. How much younger I was.
"Took you long enough to get here."
"Ya. Weren't we meeting at 7pm? Not 6."
"I dunno I was here. So I texted you. Get some wine." He only speaks in commands. Another sign.
We start out talking about a mutual friend, possibly calling her to come hang out. We should do karaoke I suggest. He gives me a Cheshire cat smile, "how silly," yet he's so excited to think he could do karaoke later tonight.
Then we move on to talking about the DC dating scene. I explain my stance. No men. Not interested in men. I'm no longer interested. Looking for a relationship, not a one night stand. Looking for someone who is interested in me, don't want to get burned again.
I explain how in my earlier 20s I did not want commitment. But when that phase was done I realized I wanted more. "Hooking up" didn't feel good. I also mentioned how I thought when you're a young woman you naively equate sex and love as the same thing and you think that if you put out, men will love you more, men will want to be with you for more than sex. At least, this was my experience.
"Equating love and sex? That's insanely naive. I can't even respond to that. Women can be so delusional."
"Delusional?"
"Yes. That's such a naive way to think. How delusional."
"Well I think that's why a lot of young girls have sex in high school. I think a lot of them want to express their love, or think if they give a boy what they want, they will fall in love with them. I think that's why a lot of women regret their first time experiences. Giving it away in a way that didn't work out as they hoped."
"You mentioned you don't want to jump into anything, you 'got burned'? But the men you're talking about were just flings weren't they?"
"Well I guess they started out that way, but in my naivete I thought I could 'convince' them otherwise."
Angry Misogynistic Old Asshole voice: "Do you realized how victimized you sound? You're portraying yourself like a victim. When you weren't. Those guys just didn't love you and didn't even know that's what you wanted. Communication's important."
Defensive voice: "I don't think I sound like a victim. I think I'm just describing the female experience. At least my experience and what I've seen."
"You're not listening to me. You're not special, [my name said in his Misogynistic Old Asshole voice]. You're not special. Being burned happens to everyone."
"I'm not special." I repeat back to him. He nodded with a shitty smirk on his face.
Now, I realize he meant my experience, not myself, but still the way he said this felt very dismissive, demeaning. I agree, these things happen to everyone, but when someone shares a story or experience with you, do you respond by dismissing it? I don't. I appreciate openness and honesty.
I felt the stem of my wine glass between my fingers. For a split second I considered splashing it in this Misogynistic Old Asshole's stupid grinning face. Instead, I sipped down the rest of my Rioja.
"I think I'm gonna go."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not having fun anymore." I ask for my check.
"There's no need to leave. I just thought we were having a lively debate. You're taking it so personally."
"I guess I don't share this shit with everyone so to be called a victim and delusional and not special just isn't .... fun."
"But you don't have to leave. It doesn't mean the rest of the night can't be fun. I think we've had a misunderstanding." back pedal back pedal back pedal.
I cash out, get off my bar stool,
"Bye," i say with an awkward smile on my face.
On the metro back home I received three texts. "I'm sorry I upset you. I guess I'm used to having spirited debates with friends who don't take things personally. It's not good to runaway when you don't agree with someone. You didn't have to ruin the whole night over some stupid disagreement."
I went home, pretty pissed off. But instead of crying or letting it ruin my Saturday night i called a friend and went to a corner bar and laughed and drank.
Life is too short to spend with Misogynistic Old Assholes. Even though I totally ignored my instincts and chose to be blind to the warning signs, at least each time it happens I'm getting better at recognizing. Like you know, not actually making out or sleeping with these sorts. That's an improvement.
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