Friends

So I got the waitress job to save money. BUT I'm just spending it on Travel. :)

ON A WHIM, i decided to go to NYC and Chicago this month. 

BUT I'm REALLY excited because I'm going to see friends I have not seen in a long time. I cannot wait! I haven't been to Chicago since 2011! I haven't been to NYC since Feb 2014!!!

I cannot wait to see my friends who live in these two awesome cities. I will not be saving money but wtf you only live once. And the friends I'm going to see are some of the most important people in my life!! Some of my longest friendships that i deeply cherish.

So i got no complaints.

Couples I don't want to be

At work last weekend i waited on two couples.

The first one:

• woman cuter than man
• he was a fat nerd w/ glasses
• she was audrey hepburn
• she paid for the entire meal. she wrote on her receipt, "boyfriend got the tip."
• her boyfriend paid a $10.00 tip on a $50.00 tab. 
• I found this to be annoying. 
• i hope a man splits it with me or pays for all of it
• why was she with him?

The second one:

• i forgot to get bacon on the guy's burger
• the woman is the one who accosted me with this oversight
• i apologized and got the kitchen to bring down a side of bacon
• the woman insisted they get a discount, even after he ate it all
• yes, she ordered a salad and just a salad
• he said, "no honey, it's ok"
• she would not back down.
• he was whipped and let her have all the power

Two couples I never want to be.

Moonlighting

I can already tell I'll have ton more posts to this blog, due to this new moonlighting gig.

Is it weird that i actually enjoy it so far? it's probably because it's new and exciting and I'm not used to it.

Also, it's probably b/c I'm free of the stress and worry of not being able to save any money, living paycheck to paycheck. It definitely makes me feel better. I now have a way to save for things I want to do, instead of sacrificing dreams for basic realities. 

Things I've learned so far about waiting:


 

• You can make money fast
• You must check your attitude at the door, even if you've had a shitty day. Why? Because this will affect the vibes from your coworkers and customers. If they know you're in a nasty mood only nasty things will most likely happen.
• You can be "the perfect server" and still not get a good tip; but you still gotta try to be nice
• You can't control anything, ie: when the food gets out, what customers you have, if the night is busy or not
• The sooner you accept to go with the flow, the easier the job gets
• If you get stressed out or flustered easily you will make everyone else miserable (even if you are stressed, fake it till you make it)
• No one is going to die at this job. No one is going to die if they don't get their food, if they get a drink spilled on them, if they have to wait for their meal. 
• Don't take this job seriously. It is anything but serious. 
• It's actually really funny most of the time
• Everyone you work with is from many different socioeconomic situations. Two coworkers i work with - like me - have masters and full time jobs. Some people are sending all their tips home to Honduras. Some people chose not to go to college, it just wasn't for them. Everyone is equal in the Restaurant business and if you think differently you will be humbled immediately - most likely in the most embarrassing way possible. (ie the kitchen's swinging door, full cup of coffee)
• Family meals and Shifts drinks at the end of the night are THE BEST time to get to know your coworkers - and free!!!
• Going out to a nearby bar with your coworkers is SO MUCH FUN. As long as you don't stay up till 4am getting wasted and have to work the next day. That's stupid. 
• Make it up.

• Most the time I feel like I'm acting, if that makes any sense.  

AND NOW FOR THE FUNNY SHITTY PARTS ABOUT SERVING:

I've ONLY been working for a week and I sympathize with #1, 5, 6, 7, 10, 12

 http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/21-soul-crushing-moments-every-server-dreads?sub=3372631_3248815#.gsy3lRE2XM

Marinating on MARONATION tour

Two things i learned from last night's Marc Maron show: #1) Vulnerability is the most magnificent quality you can offer. Unfortunately, it is the hardest to do, b/c of negative past situations of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of. BUT if you can trust and put yourself out there, I believe it will pay you back ten fold and make life richer. If you can be your true self and not care what others think, that is the most beautiful thing. #2) I am intentionally going to try to date more FUNNY men. I laughed SO hard last night. Laughter is so important. If you could spend time with someone who makes you laugh, instead of makes you cry and be the bug in their emotionally fucked up spider web, life is SO much better. I'm tired of trying to fix men that cannot be fixed by anyone but themselves. I want to be around a man that can light me up and make me laugh until my belly hurts and there are (HAPPY) tears in my eyes. 

 


 This morning i received a shit storm of texts messages out of the blue from RPJ. He said he feels that he cannot trust me and that all he can focus on is when I will dump him. Therefore he has put a barrier up and cannot open up to me anymore. He cites something i said JOKINGLY months ago in a bar: 
"I'm going to date old men, then when I want kids, dump them for a young guy." I was joking. 

I've assured him that I don't actually believe this. That my actions speak more than my words. But still he says he can't trust me. 

So I replied, "Obviously I can't control your feelings. Only you can come to those conclusions. If it bothers you then that's probably a personal message telling you to go in a different direction."

What I really wanted to say was, "Please Go fuck yourself." But I didn't. 

I am officially DRAINED from this vampire. I have nothing left to give, no more tears to be cried. There is nothing else to do or say. It's OVER. 

It's unfortunate that it took so long for me to let go of him. I wanted to hold on. But sometimes, holding on is more painful than letting go. 

I never want to have to "convince" a man to trust, love, or be with me. I do not have time for complicated, dark, emotional damage of someone else. I barely have time for my own. Which thankfully, isn't that much. 

I got the waitress job and the manager eventually wants me to bar tend. :) 
Walking from the interview to the Marc Maron show last night, i felt the small arms of a little girl run at my and grab my waist. It was my reading buddy from the Literacy program i volunteer with. She was with her family walking home and all smiles, saying how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait to get back to the program in a couple weeks (the school is on break). 

Even though parts of my life feel fucked up from the outside they really aren't. I feel like yesterday was this turning point for me. I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am trusting in the Universe and I believe if I can stay true to myself and remain kind through the bad shit, Life will continue to be a rich ride. I feel like I've finally stepped into the changing flow of the ocean of Life and I'm not as scared or stressed anymore. It's like I now know deep inside everything is going to be ok.  

Istanbul

I had my first Istanbul interview yesterday morning.

I'm thinking I do not need to make this decision; they will kind of make it for me if they pick me or not. But I can't help but think about the possibility. Right now, I have neither a yes or no feeling.


I mentioned this on my vacation with my parents. They were not pleased. But I am trying to not have their thoughts color my choice. I do not want to be that person who does things based on others opinions. I just want support if I choose to do it. It's not enough to have my own confidence. Still working on that.




 My two best friends are helping me and sharing their advice. They both say "do it," because like me they are adventurous badasses, too.

The pay is less than I make now. Contract from August '15 - June '16. Summer is paid and they hope you return for the next year, obviously.





Cost of living is CHEAPER than DC.

I don't know if I'd be saving any money if I did this, so it would be for the experience. My main concern is being able to support myself since I'll be far from home.

 It seems to be a pretty cheap place to live. I think I could have about $750-1000/month left over after rent and student loans, I should have enough to live comfortably and also do quite a bit of travel.

I flip flop between stress free security and poor adventure. 

Only time will tell. 


 

Girl on Guy, dating in the real world.

http://girlonguy.girlonguy.libsynpro.com/girl-on-guy-173-amber-tamblyn

Aisha Tyler and Amber Tamblyn talk internet dating 7 minutes in, and it's EXACTLY all my feelings about it. How social media fucks w/ the naturalness of dating and how it removes intimacies and replaces it with "rules" - ugh. i hate "dating." Also I'm not even dating right now I'm just have dalliances w/ sexy old men. :p

The Right Time

 


I got a Skype job interview with an international school in Istanbul. I'm not even thinking about the possibility of it happening yet. First I need to speak with them, see what they have to say and if it would be right for me.The job would be really fun I think, working in a school library K-12, collaborating with the teachers and tech team.

I asked my friend J, "well if I like what they had to say, would this be the right time to do it? I promised to myself I'd stay here for 3 years."

"What time is ever the "right time" to do these things?"

My mother seems to not be on board, says "it's too far away."

I've moved alone to cities before within the US, but never in a foreign country. A part of me is scared to do something like that all alone. But this is something I've always wanted to do and it has presented itself. I need more details.

Tickets to the rest of Europe from Istanbul are maximum $200.00. I could take weekend trips to Rome and Athens. :)

And as always, there is nothing much here currently for me anyways. I have friends, but other than that I own no home, I have no partner.

Only time will tell. I'm trusting the Universe to be my guide. I think if you're meant to do something, change your trajectory in a different way, you will know it. Listen to your gut it will give you the answers. And of course, don't be blind to coincidences, AKA divine signals. 

It's a blur

I applied to a Barista/Gelato part time job. What if I take my buddy's offer to be a bartender in the busy part of the city? That'd be hard, but i wonder if I'd make more money.

I feel myself transitioning into a new me. I feel tougher and a bit more fucked up. Tired. A 40 something waitress in New York City. A boxer who has come out of a ring. I feel like Steve McQueen. I am both proud and scared shitless, I am in love and lonely.





I sprained my ankle very badly last night. If you asked me i would tell you it was from running. But I will tell you the truth. It was from coming down from the roof deck with MMJC and our 5th beers. I set my foot down and the step dropped much farther than I had anticipated. But of course in the state i was in i laughed, no pain. But today holy shit it hurts.

I got a text from MMJC last night. I met him at my corner bar. He has known the owner for years. The owner sat with us and told us stories. The type of stories only a bar owner can tell you.

The bartender I went on a date with was working upstairs. I must confess part of the reason I went to see MMJC was to see what little drama would unfold. One of my flaws.

Bartender came down and I waved. He told me to come visit him upstairs but I wanted to talk to MMJC and Bar owner/Bartender's boss.

He came down later and I introduced MMJC to Bartender. We ALL sat together. At one point I was rubbing both their knees under the bar and neither of them noticed. I felt powerful. That's why I do the things I do.

I left the bar. Said bye to Bartender and MMJC leaving them together at the bar. As if I was leaving two ex-husbands at my house alone. 

I took a cab to MMJC place and we had a good night. I slept over and tried to wake up and went to work questioning everything that had seemed so solid and clear last night.

I don't want a boyfriend. I want to date three men all at the same time. It's sexy and thrilling and dramatic. At times it's quite messy and lonely and wrong. But the rush is incomparable. I feel like I'm living the way I want to. And I care less and less about the status quo. I think as long as I'm happy, that's all that matters.

I am going to try to stop seeing RPJ though. He holds my heart in his teeth - like a grenade ready to explode. There is no stable ground with him. MMJC is at least honest. We both know what is taking place.

I can predict i will break the Bartender's heart. But I don't want to.

But, are we ever truly happy? Even if i was happy I think I'd have something to complain about. Things can always be better, can't they? Or can we not just enjoy each simple pleasure? That's all we may get.

As you get older, things are so much more complicated. Blurry and no longer easy to categorize. I don't know a thing and as soon as I accepted that everything got easier.

Up in the air.

Things are up in the air right now.

I pay all my bills, but have no money for fun, travel, or emergencies. I can live poor or I can get a part time job while looking for a job that pays more. My current job cannot offer what I need.

I've applied for a bunch of jobs with the government and still am, but the government jobs take 8 months - 1 year to respond. SO - i need to figure out a temporary fix. 

I've been feeling like a big failure lately, because I have a Masters and thought I'd never have to get a part time job ever again. But I want to put a dent in my loans and like i said, travel more; or even be able to buy myself things! like new clothes and a fancy camera. I've been "living poor" since I moved out of the house at 22. I'm so over being so fucking poor. I realize I chose to live in a REALLY expensive city and i realize I chose to take out student loans.

I would not change getting a Masters because it allows me to go for the career I want more than any other (besides being a writer). And there is no other place in America right now that I'd rather be than in DC. So i do not regret these decisions, I just need to figure shit out in the interim till it gets better. Will it ever get better?

It's the work I must do to not be poor that I'm dreading. I work 40 hours a week already. I'd much rather work at a bookstore or tutor or something, but I know i could make good money waitressing. BUT waitressing is some of the hardest work one could do. It's not easy or relaxing. So do I get a job where i make more money but hate it, or a job i like that i don't make a lot of money at? When the whole point is money ...

MMJC is so so confusing. We've stop "seeing" each other. But we still text/sext each other????

I went on a date with this bartender - he's older, like they all are. I like him but I don't know if he has any drive. But does that matter to me? I'm not looking for a husband. I'm looking for a distraction to my wretched current life stage. Broke in my twenties. I just want to laugh, goddamnit!!!

Another bartender - do you see a pattern? - is trying to woo me in the traditional sense. he's not as old as the other one. But he's always texting me and calling me babe and i find it really annoying.

My ex is still in my life. I call him, he answers, we make love. It's a bad cycle we're in. Think Carrie & Big at there most toxic. That's it. But I don't really long for him anymore, it's more resentment and passion. great combo for a healthy relationship.

I still am obsessed with Marc Maron.

I've been writing a short story or two and sending it in. No publications, but writing is a small part of my life that makes me happier. Like I have something to live for. 

Sometimes I hate the words and advice my family and friends give me.  I know what I have to do but I don't want to. I don't like my problems pointed out to me - I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

A lot of times I just want to give up. Or run away to an island. Life is hard.These days I've been in a depression. I come home and throw the covers over my head. maybe eat or read then sleep. hoping somehow all my problems will all fade away. But they never do.

Unplugged

Hmmm. What is the latest:
~~~~

He tells me the phone will be off for the next ten days. A week later i decide to send him an email. He's yet to send me one. I send him a link to a funny compilation of vine videos.

"You've been hacked!"

"haha no, it's a funny vine video link, silly."

"Sorry. Eats up my phone data. write me something interesting."

"ok no more funny vine videos for you."

"That's too easy, put more work into sending me a note."


What an asshole. No. I'm not writing you back, asshole.







~~~

I sent in a short story to a bunch of places. Some that are NEVER even gonna read it. but what the hell. It felt great to put the story out there. It's a funny, comic-tragedy about a girl who does karaoke and gets Chlamydia (NO. it's NOT biographical. it's fiction!!!)

I got my first rejection email on it last night:

"I appreciate the look, but I'm going to pass on this one."
burnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. lolololol.

I think being a writer is like being an actor. Only with words. You have to put your work out there and get constantly rejected until someone thinks you're "write for the part."


 




~~~

I went on a date with a man named Jose. We have good conversation together. He has traveled to so many places and travels for work. i love hearing all his travel stories. We decided we will go salsa dancing together next time we see each other. :)

 

~~~

I went to a potluck my friend hosted. It was fun, but I may have drank a bit too much. And i think i offended at least one person. This one writer girl was very aloof and I took it as pretension. I voiced this after she left. No one agreed and I LOOKED like a mean girl. You live you learn.  :/

These two hipsters shared with me their visit to a secret restaurant in our neighborhood. You know, the apartments where a little Mexican woman cooks in her home and it's illegal and really good? That's what this is. And it turns out it's only a few blocks away from where i live! I MUST check it out.

 



~~~

I think I am dropping MMJC very soon. He is the ultimate bachelor and does not have as high as a sex drive as me. He will send me puns in text messages and NOT ask me to hang out??? So i guess all i am to him is a pun receiver now. GREATTTT. 

the latest was:








People are so weird. Especially men.


~~~

Last night I had a great conversation with my Mom. A lot of bad shit has been happening to her friends of late. She basically was just talking about how she has a new perspective and is no longer sweating the small stuff. She is seeing things on a much wider scale and not worrying about dumb shit. She is trying to have joy in her every day life, not just going through the motions, remembering to be present in the moment and appreciate life.

I could do that more often as well.

I'm going to Key West at the end of the month. I have this fantasy of going off the grid and deactivating my FB and turning off my phone for the ENTIRE time. I think I'm going to do that.

All I know for sure right now is that I should write more and continue to try live in the moment. When you only have those two goals, life becomes less stressful. I've been doing it for a week. :)

GIRLS quote ftw

Divine intervention.

PRETTY MUCH.


http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-oconnell/2012/01/getting-your-life-together/

Thoughts of late, not for the faint of heart.

I thought as I got older I would find more answers, but every year I just have more questions.

The RPJ has wiggled his way back into my life. But the dynamic is different. I no longer care too much about what he thinks, and I do what I want with him. I know this is not a great stage to be on with him, but I'm tired of trying to control it. He is in my life for now and who knows if he will drift out again.

I'd like to date two other men. I'd like to be exclusive. But it seems this is difficult to find. And to be honest, some days I want to be exclusive, but then my actions say I just want to continue to date and have fun. I do not know what I want when it comes to men.

MMJC is a man I'd like to know more. But we are both hippies and do not care to fight for that.  Ha! I spent my entire snow day on Thursday with MMJC. We drank beers and spoke about books, religion, all the big questions.

My 2nd snow day on Friday was spent with RPJ, white whale. We looked at photography books, watched "Gimme Shelter" on the Rolling Stones, Maron and Broad City. We made tacos for dinner and snuggled. We talked about his new documentary also known as his life's work for the past three years. He works so hard and stresses so much. He would die for his work and that is what scares me. He literally has gone over and over again into very dangerous places for his passion. This is what both scares me and intrigues me. We exist in limbo together. When he is with me I enjoy it, but he is always gone. He is going to Chicago and Toronto in the next two weeks. I hope he doesn't go back to conflict work, but that's what he does, it's inevitable. there is no other option. that's why I don't think we can be together. as long as he is going in and out of two worlds like that, there's no use to try.

Saturday morning I was walking to my volunteer tutoring gig. I got to the school and the program leader told me it was cancelled, sorry! So I walked back to my place. on the corner, I hear this deep voice behind me yell, "yo bitch!" I was sooo scared. I thought I was about to get mugged. I turn around and it is MMJC!!! that bastard was laughing, he sure did startle me. He was in the neighborhood checking in on his apartment he rents out. He also was scouting out a house for his gay couple friends in Mexico. They want an old DC house. So me and MMJC went into a house. But it was a complete wreck. Way too much of a fixer upper. When we parted ways we gave a kiss to each other on the sidewalk in broad day light. I liked that.

My hipster crush got into a bike accident last night and split his chin open.  I hope he is ok!!!

I am going to Key West at the end of the month and I plan on taking my time there to re-center and be on a beach and soak in the surroundings. I also am starting to get ancy again and a part of me wants to plot my next adventure. is it bad that I cannot stay in one place too long? is it bad that I do not like to stay too long in one place? I am addicted to change, yet it is also the one thing in this world that scares the shit out of me most. Why is that?

I am torn. I am torn between staying in one place, getting a job that pays more, make a dent in my loans, be responsible, travel more and buy more sophisticated clothes.

The other part of my soul wants to find a job that pays in Italy - short term - go there and write and take pictures and live and discover.

So how would I do this is the big big question. I have no idea. I want to think about that in Key West. A curse and blessing of my personality is that I function better with long term goals. Once I complete goals I must move onto another. It's nice because I get a lot done, but I forget to live in the moment and relish in my accomplishments. Sometimes I burn myself out if i'm not careful - it's not pretty; lots of self-loathing and despair.

I do feel very lucky. there are many blessings in my life. But there is this emptiness, this restlessness I still have that I have no idea how to cure. Maybe just do what I want and that will answer the questions? Life is so mysterious and confusing.
 

Priests "And Breeding"

I saw this band on Saturday. they put on a good show. 'Specially the front woman. Mosh pitting has ceased to get old to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztyquLceoXA

"I'm disappointment in Y2K, why didn't things turn out that way?"

"Elvis Presley and Che Guevara" ??? but i love it.


I also hung out with Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw hybrid later that night.

I'm having a fun time right now.


 http://www.rookiemag.com/2014/05/priests-modern-love/

 

Fuck yes

I went out with a friend last night. I had some beers. I showed her pictures of the two drastically older men I'm interested in. One of whom is my ex.

She looked at me and said
"OMG. No. You are way too nice and too funny and too beautiful to date these losers!!! You deserve someone who's going to take you on dates and want to date you."

I got a text from RPJ when i got home.

I called him twice he didn't pick up.

I said I'd rather talk on the phone.

So then I proceed to drop TRUTH BOMBS on his phone.

I don't know if what I did was right.

Basically I told him
Shit or get off the pot. Just in many more words.

I spoke my truth, so I'm not going to feel bad about it. I just hate it when a girl speaks her mind and a man labels her as "psycho or crazy" - when in actuality I'm just looking to cleanse my life of the BULLSHIT which he sprays onto it.

It's so complicated and painful and I don't have time for this shit!!!!

Did I do the "right" thing? Am I missing out on the greatest love of my life? I don't think so, since I would hope the greatest love of my life WOULD ACTUALLY TREAT ME WITH MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE.  i feel the love from him. Just no respect. 

Once again

http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episodes/episode_571_-_jimmy_dore

65 minutes to 75 minutes is pretty much what I've been coming to grips with since Jan 2014. 

Goals and achievements, what is the point, how do you fill the empty hole within you if you can never achieve enough. You can only gain approval from yourself. 

It's amazing how we all feel the same sticky situations in this life, even though these two comics are way older than me and dudes.

well that was silly.

OK so Marc Maron - Aidan Shaw hybrid poked me AND accepted my Friends request .

So that last post meant nothing.

This morning i made eggs and coffee and watch "broad city." i cleared my schedule today so i could just be. It's a nice and rare feeling when all you need to do in a day is putz around; write, clean, read, nibble on food. tonight i am going to a concert with friends. :)

I am young and free and life is good.

JUST A POKE.

I poked a man on FB who is a hybrid of Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw.

Body of Shaw:



FACE of MARON:








 THINK ABOUT THAT ONE FOR A MOMENT.


I got no response FROM MY POKE and so I sent him a Facebook friend request. A LAST ATTEMPT.

I Facebook messaged two of my close male friends to ask before doing this. They assured me I had "nothing to lose."

So I did and now I feel stupid. That was stupid. The whole thing was stupid but now we'll be facebook friends. Cuz I think if he wanted to be my friend he would've asked right? Right? I just don't know. MEN ARE SO CONFUSING. there is a game and I don't know any of the rules and the rules change with every person.

Also i'm doing it in reverse since I already took the car for a test drive. Goddamn it. I just like men and affection so much. I can only go for so long w/out it!!!

But ultimately we should just remain FB friends since I am far too young for him and I need to stop my track record of dating old men. But if you keep on doing something does it mean it's bad or is it just what you like?!!?!?!?!?!?

Tonight I am going to an all women's comedy showcase, then eating a fixed price menu at a fancy restaurant w/ my friend from Portland. I'M EXCITEDDDDDDD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, I'm looking for a part time job until I find a job that pays me more. Yep. that's how sure I am that a negotiation would go NOWHERE.  i feel like a failure. I have a masters and no money. BUT i love my job so much and do not regret getting my degree.

I gotta make a dent in these student loans!!! Also, it doesn't help that I live in one of the most expensive cities in the USA. But I LOVE THIS CITY SO MUCH!!!! alas.



THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE.

A love like that!!!

Although I found Amal Clooney's nuanced elegance and condensation a bit much, the speech George gave that mentioned his LOVE for her made me WEAK IN THE KNEES. 

“I’ve had a pretty good year myself,” he said. “Listen: It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love—even better when you’ve been waiting your whole life. And when your whole life is 53 years, Amal, whatever alchemy it is that brought us together, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.”







 SEE HIM GUSH the speech HERE:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTnVjHCcEn0

http://www.businessinsider.com/george-clooney-golden-globes-acceptance-speech-2015-1


WOWZA. Dear Jesus I hope someday some handsome, intelligent, fascinating man thinks this about me. Until then, I'm loving myself the best I can!!!

It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.