life in my 20s

http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com/post/46524098261/life-in-my-20s

this gif is some real truth speak. ha!!!!

AHA moment

I've been praying for this moment for months now. Praying and asking for some sort of sign, guidance. Looking at billboards, flowers, people. Wondering when or how or what it would tell me; mostly in "child pose" in yoga classes, I was hoping the answer would come then. Nada.....
So i waited patiently for a little longer.

I started applying for jobs in Oct 2012. No success yet. But part of the reason is every offer I've gotten hasn't felt "right". It feels like I am getting an offer to live someone else's life, take someone else's job offer. All the offers made me feel uneasy, confused.

I had a successful interview yesterday.  I have a feeling they will offer me a job. Yet, the scenario of staying in Austin and getting a car here and an apartment makes me feel weird.

I LOVE Austin. There is nothing wrong w/ it. Great weather, incredibly friendly people, always things to do, rich culture and jaw-dropping music. So why wouldn't i stay?

I've asked myself the same thing a million times. But i always come back to this pull inside me.

Like this quote from above - I am following the pull. The decision I'm making feels so right. And by right i don't mean "proper" or correct", but comfortable and makes perfect sense to me. More comfortable than the options that have presented themselves to me thus far.

In hindsight I believe i was making my decisions based on fear. Taking ANY job because I don't want to not have one immediately after the last. That's just going thru the motions, that's not truly asking yourself what you want.  And life is about living, not robotic apathy.

But now, I'm making decisions based on true self introspection, no longer based on fear. And since that change, there has been so much more clarity!

It's a certain peace I feel with it. Like I am pursuing exactly what I feel and know is the next adventure.  The universe has been pointing to it for awhile, and now I know why everything has happened the way it has recently. It's all making more sense.


I'll write more as it's revealed to me, but for the first time in two months I feel a tremendous sense of peace and excitement about where i am i headed. Adding it to the list of AHA moments...

On a side note:

The past week and a half, I asked myself these questions. They're from Meg Jay's, The Defining Decade.

• "What is it that you want?"
• "Where would you like to be in five or 10 years?" 
• "Do you want to get married?" 
• "Do you want to have kids?" 
• "What do you want your job to be?"

Although you may be overwhelmed, or not want to know the answers to these questions (some of them i skipped over, b/c i can't even begin to think or relate to them right now) I found answering these questions really revealed to me what I want to do.  It reminded me of goals and dreams I had forgotten about or was too scared to entertain. When i saw what i wrote down next to the question, I realized there are certain words that just KEPT popping up. i wonder why.... ;)

digital slavery

i googled someone today and now i know way too much about them. when they graduated, where they live. it's super creepy.

i caught myself eating and instagramming at lunch today.

i look at my FB 400+ times a day.

i think i am a slave to digital worlds and i need a hiatus or serious reality check on how much i consume my day with meaningless digital ephemera.

i'm going to start by:

• trying to check my fb only 5 times a day, max
• no phone while waiting in line, bus or bored. something else will have to fill this time.

i'll start w/ that and maybe i can do CRAZY shit like LEAVING MY PHONE AT HOME.

i have a feeling i will feel much more free, creative, clear-minded and less bombarded by meaningless shit. 

and so it begins........

To My Twenties

Poem: "To My Twenties," by Kenneth Koch, from New Addresses (Alfred A. Knopf).

To My Twenties
How lucky that I ran into you
When everything was possible
For my legs and arms, and with hope in my heart
And so happy to see any woman--
O woman! O my twentieth year!
Basking in you, you
Oasis from both growing and decay
Fantastic unheard of nine- or ten-year oasis
A palm tree, hey! And then another
And another--and water!
I'm sill very impressed by you. Whither,
Midst falling decades, have you gone? Oh in what lucky fellow,
Unsure of himself, upset, and unemployable
For the moment in any case, do you live now?
From my window I drop a nickel
By mistake. With
You I race down to get it
But I find there on
The street instead, a good friend,
X-- N--, who says to me
Kenneth do you have a minute?
And I say yes! I am in my twenties!
I have plenty of time! In you I marry,
In you I first go to France; I make my best friends
In you, and a few enemies. I
Write a lot and am living all the time
And thinking about living. I loved to frequent you
After my teens and before my thirties.
You three together in a bar
I always preferred you because you were midmost
Most lustrous apparently strongest
Although now that I look back on you
What part have you played?
You never, ever, were stingy. What you gave me you gave whole
But as for telling
Me how to best use it
You weren't a genius at that.
Twenties, my soul
Is yours for the asking
You know that, if you ever come back.

DATING is so weird.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/8-insane-thoughts-i-have-on-a-first-date/

Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

"No one can create negativity or stress within you. Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world."

- Wayne Dyer, American self-help advocate, author and lecturer.

"You are not your mind, your emotions or the circumstances of your life. You are the peaceful observer of your mind and emotions that allows life circumstances to pass through and around you for your evolution to finally come to a place of total acceptance of all that is. Only the peaceful observer remains after all else fades away. Only the peaceful observer in total acceptance of what is can take action towards effectively changing anything. You are only this peaceful observer - everything else is as fleeting as the blink of an eye, choose happiness and don't buy into it."

- Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

a best friend ....

is coming to visit me this weekend.
i can't wait.
i'm going to give her BBQ and margaritas and
we're gonna have girl talk and put makeup on and wear dresses
and dance to Robyn.

and if we're not too hung over we're gonna kayak on the lake and
devise more plans to travel
and/or discuss recent enlightenments... over wine.

HBO show "Girls" is my life #4576849

You know when you’re young and you drop a glass, and your dad says, like, “Get out of the way!” so you can be safe while he cleans it up? Well, now, no one really cares if I clean it up myself. No one really cares if I get cut with glass. If I break something, no one says, “Let me take care of that,” you know?

 #soemo

#20something

#truthspeak

 

more from the girls FB page i follow.  https://www.facebook.com/girlsHBO

 

LOVE. THIS.

OMG YOU GUYS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWR4OoYFiIk

THE BAND I SAW LAST NIGHT DOES A SONG W/ MY NAME.


KINDA OBSESSED NOW.

A little romance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TmRTCAdLd8

last night i went to a blue grass show lineup at the Historic Scoot Inn in Austin.

it was amazing.

there was a bride and groom that showed up and asked the band, Warren Hood and the Goods to play their first song. The link above is the band and what they played.

So. Fucking. Romantic. not a dry eye in the place. i loved it.

it reminded me how important it is to be with someone who really (at least acts) like they care for you. Life is too short not to be someone's someone.

Throw the phone out the window

There's a black rainbow upon my house

Match the curtains and the floors

Think I'm glass I think I'm breaking it

Wrecking ball outside the door

Let the children act like furniture

For the ladies of the lawn

But I can't see them, I can't see at all

It's night time all the time

Bird outside the kitchen, fighting his reflection

Tell him I got nothing for him

Bird outside the kitchen, fighting his reflection

What's he gonna win when he wins?

Unkissed boys and girls of paradise

Lining up around the block

Back pockets full of dynamite

While neighbors talk and talk and talk

Bird outside the kitchen fighting his reflection

Tell him I got nothing for him

Bird outside the kitchen fighting his reflection

What's he gonna win when he wins?

Throw the phone out the window

If you want the neighbors woke

You'll have to shout out loud

And set the bell and slow

If you want the neighbors woke

You'll have to shout even louder

extraordinary machine

i forgot about this song. i remembered it this week. and it helped me remember who i really am. 

i am not the men i fall in love with, the job i have, or the people i drink with. and i think i was forgetting all that. 

girly and dancing in my room

As misogynistic as this song is - i STILL LOVE IT.#guilty

 

and the world was a song and the song was exciting

SCHWING OF THE DAY

KAREN WALKER

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/life-habits-we-can-learn-from-karen-walker

past inside my present: as told by DRAG RACE U

I HAD A GIG LAST NITE. 5 MINUTES INTO IT AN EX CAME IN WITH HIS BITCHFACE GIRLFRIEND AND SAT IN THE FRONT ROW.

this was her face:

AND ON THE INSIDE I WAS LIKE:

and like this:

BUT ON THE OUTSIDE, DURING MY PERFORMANCE WITH MY BAND I WAS LIKE:

and in closing i was like:

AND THEN THIS MAN COMPLIMENTED ME ON MY OUTFIT AND BOUGHT ME A BEER IN FRONT OF BOTH OF THEM:

SO FUCK EVIL BITCHFACES AND DUMBASS EXES WHO THINK BEING ANTAGONISTIC IS A GOOD IDEA AT MY GIGS. 

SXSW is here!!!!

so excited for tonight! have a show w/ my band at one of my favorite dives in Austin AND going to a swanky SXSW party w/ my hawt gf! woohoo. SX has officially commenced!


i'm excited to dress up and sing and drink. :) it's an average weekend, pretty much.


i had an AMAZING night last night with a man friend. Our good friends had us over for an impromptu dinner and cocktails. paella and cocktails - soooo yummy. then we went to a dive bar and played pool w/ more friends and got drunk and flirty.


life is all about the food you eat and the company you keep. and so far i have been very blessed. i love my friends so much. i am so lucky to have these people in my life. i know no matter what the hell is going on, i can always rely on them.

TRUTH.

COME ON GET HAPPY. 30 happy facts........

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-happiest-facts-of-all-time

Dream of past lovers. Watch as they dance together at the bar.

How To Lose A Guy In One Night

Mar. 6, 2013

By David Kallison

reverting to zen

With the absolute confusion I've been feeling about everything lately, instead of spinning out, I've decided to revert to my Zen existence mode. I do this when I need to wait for or figure out a next step.

I can't say I'm making the right decisions for myself right now. I don't know how anything will turn out.

So now i'm doing more yoga and eating more veggies and trying to listen to, trying to hear my heart speak to me. i know whatever i decide won't really matter, but i want to find some pathway that feels right. Right now i have about 500 ones in front of me and i have no clue which one is "right".

the 20s are a blessing and a curse. You can do anything, you just don't know how it will work out till you do it. they are soooo many questions i can't answer till i try.

That said i never want to be 30. and if so, i hope i am still single. without children. my facebook feed has been inundated with babies and engagements and gross couple stuff. ugh.

and on that note, here is a hippie dippie song for you.

no york

i declined the new york offer today. i just wasn't feeling it. New York isn't for me right now, it may never be. The city gave me an ulcer. Everyone was nice, but i couldn't see myself becoming a good person if i lived there. i think the city would force me to become hard and a bit snobbier and i don't wanna be that way.

maybe it would be if i got paid 70k+/ year.



i feel like i am the only person who would've turned it down. but my gut tells me no. Gotta go with all that innards talk.