The Right Time

 


I got a Skype job interview with an international school in Istanbul. I'm not even thinking about the possibility of it happening yet. First I need to speak with them, see what they have to say and if it would be right for me.The job would be really fun I think, working in a school library K-12, collaborating with the teachers and tech team.

I asked my friend J, "well if I like what they had to say, would this be the right time to do it? I promised to myself I'd stay here for 3 years."

"What time is ever the "right time" to do these things?"

My mother seems to not be on board, says "it's too far away."

I've moved alone to cities before within the US, but never in a foreign country. A part of me is scared to do something like that all alone. But this is something I've always wanted to do and it has presented itself. I need more details.

Tickets to the rest of Europe from Istanbul are maximum $200.00. I could take weekend trips to Rome and Athens. :)

And as always, there is nothing much here currently for me anyways. I have friends, but other than that I own no home, I have no partner.

Only time will tell. I'm trusting the Universe to be my guide. I think if you're meant to do something, change your trajectory in a different way, you will know it. Listen to your gut it will give you the answers. And of course, don't be blind to coincidences, AKA divine signals. 

It's a blur

I applied to a Barista/Gelato part time job. What if I take my buddy's offer to be a bartender in the busy part of the city? That'd be hard, but i wonder if I'd make more money.

I feel myself transitioning into a new me. I feel tougher and a bit more fucked up. Tired. A 40 something waitress in New York City. A boxer who has come out of a ring. I feel like Steve McQueen. I am both proud and scared shitless, I am in love and lonely.





I sprained my ankle very badly last night. If you asked me i would tell you it was from running. But I will tell you the truth. It was from coming down from the roof deck with MMJC and our 5th beers. I set my foot down and the step dropped much farther than I had anticipated. But of course in the state i was in i laughed, no pain. But today holy shit it hurts.

I got a text from MMJC last night. I met him at my corner bar. He has known the owner for years. The owner sat with us and told us stories. The type of stories only a bar owner can tell you.

The bartender I went on a date with was working upstairs. I must confess part of the reason I went to see MMJC was to see what little drama would unfold. One of my flaws.

Bartender came down and I waved. He told me to come visit him upstairs but I wanted to talk to MMJC and Bar owner/Bartender's boss.

He came down later and I introduced MMJC to Bartender. We ALL sat together. At one point I was rubbing both their knees under the bar and neither of them noticed. I felt powerful. That's why I do the things I do.

I left the bar. Said bye to Bartender and MMJC leaving them together at the bar. As if I was leaving two ex-husbands at my house alone. 

I took a cab to MMJC place and we had a good night. I slept over and tried to wake up and went to work questioning everything that had seemed so solid and clear last night.

I don't want a boyfriend. I want to date three men all at the same time. It's sexy and thrilling and dramatic. At times it's quite messy and lonely and wrong. But the rush is incomparable. I feel like I'm living the way I want to. And I care less and less about the status quo. I think as long as I'm happy, that's all that matters.

I am going to try to stop seeing RPJ though. He holds my heart in his teeth - like a grenade ready to explode. There is no stable ground with him. MMJC is at least honest. We both know what is taking place.

I can predict i will break the Bartender's heart. But I don't want to.

But, are we ever truly happy? Even if i was happy I think I'd have something to complain about. Things can always be better, can't they? Or can we not just enjoy each simple pleasure? That's all we may get.

As you get older, things are so much more complicated. Blurry and no longer easy to categorize. I don't know a thing and as soon as I accepted that everything got easier.

Up in the air.

Things are up in the air right now.

I pay all my bills, but have no money for fun, travel, or emergencies. I can live poor or I can get a part time job while looking for a job that pays more. My current job cannot offer what I need.

I've applied for a bunch of jobs with the government and still am, but the government jobs take 8 months - 1 year to respond. SO - i need to figure out a temporary fix. 

I've been feeling like a big failure lately, because I have a Masters and thought I'd never have to get a part time job ever again. But I want to put a dent in my loans and like i said, travel more; or even be able to buy myself things! like new clothes and a fancy camera. I've been "living poor" since I moved out of the house at 22. I'm so over being so fucking poor. I realize I chose to live in a REALLY expensive city and i realize I chose to take out student loans.

I would not change getting a Masters because it allows me to go for the career I want more than any other (besides being a writer). And there is no other place in America right now that I'd rather be than in DC. So i do not regret these decisions, I just need to figure shit out in the interim till it gets better. Will it ever get better?

It's the work I must do to not be poor that I'm dreading. I work 40 hours a week already. I'd much rather work at a bookstore or tutor or something, but I know i could make good money waitressing. BUT waitressing is some of the hardest work one could do. It's not easy or relaxing. So do I get a job where i make more money but hate it, or a job i like that i don't make a lot of money at? When the whole point is money ...

MMJC is so so confusing. We've stop "seeing" each other. But we still text/sext each other????

I went on a date with this bartender - he's older, like they all are. I like him but I don't know if he has any drive. But does that matter to me? I'm not looking for a husband. I'm looking for a distraction to my wretched current life stage. Broke in my twenties. I just want to laugh, goddamnit!!!

Another bartender - do you see a pattern? - is trying to woo me in the traditional sense. he's not as old as the other one. But he's always texting me and calling me babe and i find it really annoying.

My ex is still in my life. I call him, he answers, we make love. It's a bad cycle we're in. Think Carrie & Big at there most toxic. That's it. But I don't really long for him anymore, it's more resentment and passion. great combo for a healthy relationship.

I still am obsessed with Marc Maron.

I've been writing a short story or two and sending it in. No publications, but writing is a small part of my life that makes me happier. Like I have something to live for. 

Sometimes I hate the words and advice my family and friends give me.  I know what I have to do but I don't want to. I don't like my problems pointed out to me - I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

A lot of times I just want to give up. Or run away to an island. Life is hard.These days I've been in a depression. I come home and throw the covers over my head. maybe eat or read then sleep. hoping somehow all my problems will all fade away. But they never do.

Unplugged

Hmmm. What is the latest:
~~~~

He tells me the phone will be off for the next ten days. A week later i decide to send him an email. He's yet to send me one. I send him a link to a funny compilation of vine videos.

"You've been hacked!"

"haha no, it's a funny vine video link, silly."

"Sorry. Eats up my phone data. write me something interesting."

"ok no more funny vine videos for you."

"That's too easy, put more work into sending me a note."


What an asshole. No. I'm not writing you back, asshole.







~~~

I sent in a short story to a bunch of places. Some that are NEVER even gonna read it. but what the hell. It felt great to put the story out there. It's a funny, comic-tragedy about a girl who does karaoke and gets Chlamydia (NO. it's NOT biographical. it's fiction!!!)

I got my first rejection email on it last night:

"I appreciate the look, but I'm going to pass on this one."
burnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. lolololol.

I think being a writer is like being an actor. Only with words. You have to put your work out there and get constantly rejected until someone thinks you're "write for the part."


 




~~~

I went on a date with a man named Jose. We have good conversation together. He has traveled to so many places and travels for work. i love hearing all his travel stories. We decided we will go salsa dancing together next time we see each other. :)

 

~~~

I went to a potluck my friend hosted. It was fun, but I may have drank a bit too much. And i think i offended at least one person. This one writer girl was very aloof and I took it as pretension. I voiced this after she left. No one agreed and I LOOKED like a mean girl. You live you learn.  :/

These two hipsters shared with me their visit to a secret restaurant in our neighborhood. You know, the apartments where a little Mexican woman cooks in her home and it's illegal and really good? That's what this is. And it turns out it's only a few blocks away from where i live! I MUST check it out.

 



~~~

I think I am dropping MMJC very soon. He is the ultimate bachelor and does not have as high as a sex drive as me. He will send me puns in text messages and NOT ask me to hang out??? So i guess all i am to him is a pun receiver now. GREATTTT. 

the latest was:








People are so weird. Especially men.


~~~

Last night I had a great conversation with my Mom. A lot of bad shit has been happening to her friends of late. She basically was just talking about how she has a new perspective and is no longer sweating the small stuff. She is seeing things on a much wider scale and not worrying about dumb shit. She is trying to have joy in her every day life, not just going through the motions, remembering to be present in the moment and appreciate life.

I could do that more often as well.

I'm going to Key West at the end of the month. I have this fantasy of going off the grid and deactivating my FB and turning off my phone for the ENTIRE time. I think I'm going to do that.

All I know for sure right now is that I should write more and continue to try live in the moment. When you only have those two goals, life becomes less stressful. I've been doing it for a week. :)

Truth speak from Hafiz

GIRLS quote ftw

Divine intervention.

PRETTY MUCH.


http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-oconnell/2012/01/getting-your-life-together/

Thoughts of late, not for the faint of heart.

I thought as I got older I would find more answers, but every year I just have more questions.

The RPJ has wiggled his way back into my life. But the dynamic is different. I no longer care too much about what he thinks, and I do what I want with him. I know this is not a great stage to be on with him, but I'm tired of trying to control it. He is in my life for now and who knows if he will drift out again.

I'd like to date two other men. I'd like to be exclusive. But it seems this is difficult to find. And to be honest, some days I want to be exclusive, but then my actions say I just want to continue to date and have fun. I do not know what I want when it comes to men.

MMJC is a man I'd like to know more. But we are both hippies and do not care to fight for that.  Ha! I spent my entire snow day on Thursday with MMJC. We drank beers and spoke about books, religion, all the big questions.

My 2nd snow day on Friday was spent with RPJ, white whale. We looked at photography books, watched "Gimme Shelter" on the Rolling Stones, Maron and Broad City. We made tacos for dinner and snuggled. We talked about his new documentary also known as his life's work for the past three years. He works so hard and stresses so much. He would die for his work and that is what scares me. He literally has gone over and over again into very dangerous places for his passion. This is what both scares me and intrigues me. We exist in limbo together. When he is with me I enjoy it, but he is always gone. He is going to Chicago and Toronto in the next two weeks. I hope he doesn't go back to conflict work, but that's what he does, it's inevitable. there is no other option. that's why I don't think we can be together. as long as he is going in and out of two worlds like that, there's no use to try.

Saturday morning I was walking to my volunteer tutoring gig. I got to the school and the program leader told me it was cancelled, sorry! So I walked back to my place. on the corner, I hear this deep voice behind me yell, "yo bitch!" I was sooo scared. I thought I was about to get mugged. I turn around and it is MMJC!!! that bastard was laughing, he sure did startle me. He was in the neighborhood checking in on his apartment he rents out. He also was scouting out a house for his gay couple friends in Mexico. They want an old DC house. So me and MMJC went into a house. But it was a complete wreck. Way too much of a fixer upper. When we parted ways we gave a kiss to each other on the sidewalk in broad day light. I liked that.

My hipster crush got into a bike accident last night and split his chin open.  I hope he is ok!!!

I am going to Key West at the end of the month and I plan on taking my time there to re-center and be on a beach and soak in the surroundings. I also am starting to get ancy again and a part of me wants to plot my next adventure. is it bad that I cannot stay in one place too long? is it bad that I do not like to stay too long in one place? I am addicted to change, yet it is also the one thing in this world that scares the shit out of me most. Why is that?

I am torn. I am torn between staying in one place, getting a job that pays more, make a dent in my loans, be responsible, travel more and buy more sophisticated clothes.

The other part of my soul wants to find a job that pays in Italy - short term - go there and write and take pictures and live and discover.

So how would I do this is the big big question. I have no idea. I want to think about that in Key West. A curse and blessing of my personality is that I function better with long term goals. Once I complete goals I must move onto another. It's nice because I get a lot done, but I forget to live in the moment and relish in my accomplishments. Sometimes I burn myself out if i'm not careful - it's not pretty; lots of self-loathing and despair.

I do feel very lucky. there are many blessings in my life. But there is this emptiness, this restlessness I still have that I have no idea how to cure. Maybe just do what I want and that will answer the questions? Life is so mysterious and confusing.
 

TRUTH SPEAK.

Simple woman

I am a simple woman.
All i need is an afternoon of oysters, beers, and sex.

MMJC was my hedonistic partner in this on Saturday. ;)

I rounded the evening out with a girls nite and pizza.
A spectacular day.

Bar talk.

Last Wednesday I met up with my NASA friend who i've known for 5 years. Since Lonestar State days.

He has not been single in the past, so when I see him, I assume he is not single. He is bearded and tall and handsome and most men like that are never single. I came to the bar to meet him and he was with his co-workers. As i spoke to them, with his arm behind me, i could feel his hand rubbing the back of my thigh, then his hand on my ass. I ignored it until he said, "Me and ___ broke up." By drink three he was openly kissing me. He didn't care if his co-workers saw.

He comes back to town next week.