pretty good

Today at work someone asked me how i was doing. I said Pretty Good and i meant it. :)

Life is good right now. Things are falling into place.

Moonlighting

I can already tell I'll have ton more posts to this blog, due to this new moonlighting gig.

Is it weird that i actually enjoy it so far? it's probably because it's new and exciting and I'm not used to it.

Also, it's probably b/c I'm free of the stress and worry of not being able to save any money, living paycheck to paycheck. It definitely makes me feel better. I now have a way to save for things I want to do, instead of sacrificing dreams for basic realities. 

Things I've learned so far about waiting:


 

• You can make money fast
• You must check your attitude at the door, even if you've had a shitty day. Why? Because this will affect the vibes from your coworkers and customers. If they know you're in a nasty mood only nasty things will most likely happen.
• You can be "the perfect server" and still not get a good tip; but you still gotta try to be nice
• You can't control anything, ie: when the food gets out, what customers you have, if the night is busy or not
• The sooner you accept to go with the flow, the easier the job gets
• If you get stressed out or flustered easily you will make everyone else miserable (even if you are stressed, fake it till you make it)
• No one is going to die at this job. No one is going to die if they don't get their food, if they get a drink spilled on them, if they have to wait for their meal. 
• Don't take this job seriously. It is anything but serious. 
• It's actually really funny most of the time
• Everyone you work with is from many different socioeconomic situations. Two coworkers i work with - like me - have masters and full time jobs. Some people are sending all their tips home to Honduras. Some people chose not to go to college, it just wasn't for them. Everyone is equal in the Restaurant business and if you think differently you will be humbled immediately - most likely in the most embarrassing way possible. (ie the kitchen's swinging door, full cup of coffee)
• Family meals and Shifts drinks at the end of the night are THE BEST time to get to know your coworkers - and free!!!
• Going out to a nearby bar with your coworkers is SO MUCH FUN. As long as you don't stay up till 4am getting wasted and have to work the next day. That's stupid. 
• Make it up.

• Most the time I feel like I'm acting, if that makes any sense.  

AND NOW FOR THE FUNNY SHITTY PARTS ABOUT SERVING:

I've ONLY been working for a week and I sympathize with #1, 5, 6, 7, 10, 12

 http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/21-soul-crushing-moments-every-server-dreads?sub=3372631_3248815#.gsy3lRE2XM

Marinating on MARONATION tour

Two things i learned from last night's Marc Maron show: #1) Vulnerability is the most magnificent quality you can offer. Unfortunately, it is the hardest to do, b/c of negative past situations of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of. BUT if you can trust and put yourself out there, I believe it will pay you back ten fold and make life richer. If you can be your true self and not care what others think, that is the most beautiful thing. #2) I am intentionally going to try to date more FUNNY men. I laughed SO hard last night. Laughter is so important. If you could spend time with someone who makes you laugh, instead of makes you cry and be the bug in their emotionally fucked up spider web, life is SO much better. I'm tired of trying to fix men that cannot be fixed by anyone but themselves. I want to be around a man that can light me up and make me laugh until my belly hurts and there are (HAPPY) tears in my eyes. 

 


 This morning i received a shit storm of texts messages out of the blue from RPJ. He said he feels that he cannot trust me and that all he can focus on is when I will dump him. Therefore he has put a barrier up and cannot open up to me anymore. He cites something i said JOKINGLY months ago in a bar: 
"I'm going to date old men, then when I want kids, dump them for a young guy." I was joking. 

I've assured him that I don't actually believe this. That my actions speak more than my words. But still he says he can't trust me. 

So I replied, "Obviously I can't control your feelings. Only you can come to those conclusions. If it bothers you then that's probably a personal message telling you to go in a different direction."

What I really wanted to say was, "Please Go fuck yourself." But I didn't. 

I am officially DRAINED from this vampire. I have nothing left to give, no more tears to be cried. There is nothing else to do or say. It's OVER. 

It's unfortunate that it took so long for me to let go of him. I wanted to hold on. But sometimes, holding on is more painful than letting go. 

I never want to have to "convince" a man to trust, love, or be with me. I do not have time for complicated, dark, emotional damage of someone else. I barely have time for my own. Which thankfully, isn't that much. 

I got the waitress job and the manager eventually wants me to bar tend. :) 
Walking from the interview to the Marc Maron show last night, i felt the small arms of a little girl run at my and grab my waist. It was my reading buddy from the Literacy program i volunteer with. She was with her family walking home and all smiles, saying how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait to get back to the program in a couple weeks (the school is on break). 

Even though parts of my life feel fucked up from the outside they really aren't. I feel like yesterday was this turning point for me. I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am trusting in the Universe and I believe if I can stay true to myself and remain kind through the bad shit, Life will continue to be a rich ride. I feel like I've finally stepped into the changing flow of the ocean of Life and I'm not as scared or stressed anymore. It's like I now know deep inside everything is going to be ok.  

The Right Time

 


I got a Skype job interview with an international school in Istanbul. I'm not even thinking about the possibility of it happening yet. First I need to speak with them, see what they have to say and if it would be right for me.The job would be really fun I think, working in a school library K-12, collaborating with the teachers and tech team.

I asked my friend J, "well if I like what they had to say, would this be the right time to do it? I promised to myself I'd stay here for 3 years."

"What time is ever the "right time" to do these things?"

My mother seems to not be on board, says "it's too far away."

I've moved alone to cities before within the US, but never in a foreign country. A part of me is scared to do something like that all alone. But this is something I've always wanted to do and it has presented itself. I need more details.

Tickets to the rest of Europe from Istanbul are maximum $200.00. I could take weekend trips to Rome and Athens. :)

And as always, there is nothing much here currently for me anyways. I have friends, but other than that I own no home, I have no partner.

Only time will tell. I'm trusting the Universe to be my guide. I think if you're meant to do something, change your trajectory in a different way, you will know it. Listen to your gut it will give you the answers. And of course, don't be blind to coincidences, AKA divine signals. 

It's a blur

I applied to a Barista/Gelato part time job. What if I take my buddy's offer to be a bartender in the busy part of the city? That'd be hard, but i wonder if I'd make more money.

I feel myself transitioning into a new me. I feel tougher and a bit more fucked up. Tired. A 40 something waitress in New York City. A boxer who has come out of a ring. I feel like Steve McQueen. I am both proud and scared shitless, I am in love and lonely.





I sprained my ankle very badly last night. If you asked me i would tell you it was from running. But I will tell you the truth. It was from coming down from the roof deck with MMJC and our 5th beers. I set my foot down and the step dropped much farther than I had anticipated. But of course in the state i was in i laughed, no pain. But today holy shit it hurts.

I got a text from MMJC last night. I met him at my corner bar. He has known the owner for years. The owner sat with us and told us stories. The type of stories only a bar owner can tell you.

The bartender I went on a date with was working upstairs. I must confess part of the reason I went to see MMJC was to see what little drama would unfold. One of my flaws.

Bartender came down and I waved. He told me to come visit him upstairs but I wanted to talk to MMJC and Bar owner/Bartender's boss.

He came down later and I introduced MMJC to Bartender. We ALL sat together. At one point I was rubbing both their knees under the bar and neither of them noticed. I felt powerful. That's why I do the things I do.

I left the bar. Said bye to Bartender and MMJC leaving them together at the bar. As if I was leaving two ex-husbands at my house alone. 

I took a cab to MMJC place and we had a good night. I slept over and tried to wake up and went to work questioning everything that had seemed so solid and clear last night.

I don't want a boyfriend. I want to date three men all at the same time. It's sexy and thrilling and dramatic. At times it's quite messy and lonely and wrong. But the rush is incomparable. I feel like I'm living the way I want to. And I care less and less about the status quo. I think as long as I'm happy, that's all that matters.

I am going to try to stop seeing RPJ though. He holds my heart in his teeth - like a grenade ready to explode. There is no stable ground with him. MMJC is at least honest. We both know what is taking place.

I can predict i will break the Bartender's heart. But I don't want to.

But, are we ever truly happy? Even if i was happy I think I'd have something to complain about. Things can always be better, can't they? Or can we not just enjoy each simple pleasure? That's all we may get.

As you get older, things are so much more complicated. Blurry and no longer easy to categorize. I don't know a thing and as soon as I accepted that everything got easier.

TRUTH SPEAK.

New Years Intentions

My New Years Intentions are as follows:

1. Write for at least 10 minutes everyday
2. To complete a first draft of my novel, to be exchanged with my friend on 12/31/2015 (we have vowed in blood over email on this one. It's official.)
3. Publish three short stories.
4. Publish a five poems

1. Attend a writing workshop. In Italy.

 

1. SAVE MONEY. mostly so I can travel once again and eventually live in Italy for 6 months. I spent all my money on trips this year: Florida, Michigan, Austin, Montreal, and San Fran.  So no trips EXCEPT FOR ITALY.

1. Continue taking Italian class, Complete Level 2 &3

 

1. Not as much technology use - i think it's rotting my brain. I don't know how to stop this one yet. Maybe time myself? Only allow it for certain hours in the day? I can't give up Facebook cuz it connects me to family & friends who don't live near me, but i could go on only once a week? 

 

1. Consistent exercise, not just once a week exercise. And not just one type of exercise, but different types so I don't get bored (ie: running)
2.  Lose 10 pounds

 

1. Continue falling in love with myself. Continue dating myself. 

 

1. Continue volunteering in my community.
2. Learn how to cook new dishes.
3. Drink more water.
4. Take photos with the old camera my parents gave me, 35mm film. 
5. Get a massage or mani/pedi once a month
6. Dye my hair pink (at least pink highlights or ombre)

 
 
 

Take out the garbage, masturbate

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0c5BhXdVBqw

Oh what an ordinary day
Take out the garbage, masturbate
I'm still holding for the laugh

The dogs will bark, so let them bark
The birds will cry, I'll let them cry
Here's my report from the edge

Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You could say that I'm sane
In phenomenal lies
I'm the cause; make a turn
Near the party line
Like a birth in reverse
In America

This too will haunt me through the war
Laugh all you want, but I want more
'Cause what I'm swearing, I never sworn before

Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You could say that I'm sane
In phenomenal lies
I'm the cause; make a turn
Near the party line
Like a birth in reverse
In America

Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You could say that I'm sane
In phenomenal lies
I'm the cause; make a turn
Near the party line
Like a birth in reverse
In America

Songwriters
ANNE ERIN CLARK

Published by
Lyrics © BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC

Read more: St. Vincent - Birth In Reverse Lyrics | MetroLyrics

24 Questions Single Girls Are Tired Of Being Asked

http://www.buzzfeed.com/laraparker/questions-single-girls-are-tired-of-being-asked#.rwy5n8DVJ

I made out with a Russian Journalist on Saturday night. I stupidly shared this fun flirty story with my mother and a friend. Both immediately responded with:

"well are you going to go out with him, was he nice?"

 No probably not cuz I was drunk and I do not want to date.  I finally became secure with my intuition which is telling me not to focus on romantic relationships.

Watching a Frances Ha movie Q & A recently, the actress Greta Gerwig said they set out to make a film that wasn't about a girl finding the man of her dreams. She said, "if that's the climax, the point of the story, well frankly that's not good enough."

It's annoying how at holiday parties people ask how you're doing. then they ask with a glint in their eye, "seeing anyone special???" It's just annoying. As if that is the best thing that could happen to you. There are 5 million other better things than that. Money, Italian, Chocolate, Coffee, Movies, Art, Cookies, Sushi, Books .... 

There are so many more things in life, in our story, than the opposite sex. It's unfortunate how society makes men such an asset. Maybe less so in the "1st world" but it's horrible how men control the destiny of so many women in our world - specifically prostitution industries, child brides, communities where women have no rights.

Also, I've been hearing more of the exhaustion and tiredness, boringness of marriage/children lately. I don't know if I only notice this b/c I agree or if the current trend is to complain about life on the Internet. I do think the Internet tends to take regular life and whine about it. But Life isn't a fucking instagram feed!!! Life isn't as glamorous as it is on social media and that bothers people.

Give zero shits

This year, I stopped giving a shit about what other people thought about my life plans, dreams, goals. For a long time in my life I judged my plans against the advice of my parents, close friends, society. It's good to seek advice, but you cannot let other people plan your life for you. All that matters is what you feel. If getting married young and buying a home makes you happy, you need to do that, no matter what society thinks. If spending all your savings on travel and moving back in with your parents to save again for the next trip is what makes you happy, you need to do that. If never getting married, or never having kids is what makes you happy, you need to do that. Don't listen to people who are not living your life.

A lesson I learned this year was that you have to do what you want to do, not what others expect of you. If you do what others expect of you all your life, you will be miserable. You will look back on your life and feel pissed that you didn't do anything you truly wanted to do.

The worst that can happen is that you die from your choice. The chances of this happening are PRETTY DAMN slim. Unless your jumping off something really high, or something. If you lose your job, run out of money, are homeless, chances are you probably have some sort of support system to help you out.

So go and live HOWEVER you want. You really have NOTHING to lose.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7HdlyCzFrU

I saw Oprah two weeks ago and it gave me a priceless amount of INSPIRATION! Here's a clip I found of some great advice.

I can proudly say I am currently obsessed with metaphysics. I am a TOTAL believer in the law of attraction, karma, positivity.

My only addendum is that on the subject of positivity. It is important to practice positivity, but more important to practice gratitude. If you practice positivity all the time, of every waking moment, that's unhealthy. Being "happy" all the time is unhealthy, since happiness, like every other emotion/feeling is temporary. There is no way to sustain it. You can only embrace each emotion, then let it go when it wants to go. It's good to practice positivity, but when you're mad, sad, or confused there's no use in ignoring it or being upset with yourself. You are having the human experience in all it's joy and pains and in between.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

- by Rumi 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- See more at: http://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi#sthash.TOUPfaS3.dpuf

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- See more at: http://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi#sthash.TOUPfaS3.dpuf

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- See more at: http://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi#sthash.TOUPfaS3.dpuf

no fear.

there's something exciting about being afraid. do things that scare you.

find your family, your community

 "A lot of people agree with her. Nearly 60 percent of those reporting a lot of stress say they find relief from routinely spending time with family or friends."

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/07/07/323351759/for-many-americans-stress-takes-a-toll-on-health-and-family

The article deals with why and how Americans are overstressed. It's a naive and "quick" conclusion for me to say, but I believe American society and American people are suffering from a LARGE amount of social ills. I do not think we give enough attention to " routinely spending time with family or friends." We've forgotten the importance of slowing down and human connection, human community.

I think being a member of the "always busy all the time" culture is sick, and not a good thing for your health.  I think if we invested more time in our communities, America would begin to heal A LOT of its social ills: ie: stress, violence - particularly gun violence-, bullying, over-eating/under-eating, homelessness, mental health support.

BUT mostly, this article just reaffirms it is WRONG that every country doesn't have vacation time like FRANCE DOES.

Bee-friending

Bee-friending yourself

The apiary is a small one, which only a select few know about. It’s located in the courtyard of a monastery.  You can see the monks walking around, or visitors who’ve booked a weekend to get lost from their lives.  There are no cell phones or laptops allowed, and the rooms have no clocks. Yet, no one is alone at the monastery and everyone depends on one another for encouragement, love, food, and peace of mind. Like the bees I tend to at the monastery, the monks and visitors depend on each other to make a thriving community. The stronger the hive the sweeter the honey.

A year ago, I sat on the DC metro thinking about what it would be like to live here.  What would a new life in DC look like?  What kind of friends would I have and where would I get my haircut? I’d have to leave everything I had built to find that out. 

As I was flying back from DC to Austin I got the call.  I was offered the job and four weeks later I was migrating from Austin, Texas to D.C. After three years of living a sweltering, magical existence in Austin, scarfing down breakfast tacos and causing a ruckus on east 6th street, my time in the city had come to a close.  The thirst I felt in Austin was getting drier and I needed to search in another direction. I loved my friends, but they could always fly to come visit me. I had no family, mortgage, or paramour.  I left in three weeks.  If it didn’t fit in a box it was sold on Craigslist.  If it couldn’t be sold it went to the curb and was promptly gone the next morning. Austin being a city of transients, everyone there likes a good deal.

Bees leave their hives for many reasons.  One type of flight is called a “foraging flight” in which the bee flies out of the hive in a random direction in search of nectar, honeydew, pollen, or water. I was seeking sweeter nectar.

I left with a bang. My last weekend I managed to have a fling with the co-worker I’d been infatuated with for a year. It didn’t help that he wasn’t single, but the intensity felt in such a short period made my takeoff that much more charged with rocket fuel.  I felt I had come to Austin how I was leaving it; open to change, slightly heartbroken, confident I was making the right decision.  For the second time in my life I was ready to live in a city where no one knew my name.

The first few weeks you move to a new place are thrilling, exhilarating. You walk around the streets with a smile on your face.  Every face entrances you; every building arch you’re enamored by is one you’ve never seen before.  The inevitable daily drudge has yet to muck up this new city you live in, and for those first few weeks all you can see are the possibilities, the promise, places you never knew existed.

After the first three months faded, real feelings began to set in.  Not the fun ones. I felt achingly alone.  I’d moved before to a different city without knowing anyone, but this time I felt hollower on the inside. I missed the fast fling I had left in Austin, even though I knew there was no way it would’ve worked out with him anyhow.

A week later I got into my first bike accident ever.  In Austin I had lived as a commuter cyclist, with no car for three years and never got in an accident.  This accident in DC seemed even scarier since I wasn’t wearing a helmet. There I was, glass and blood coming out of my forehead from the cut above my eyebrow, dribbling down my favorite late-summer slip dress onto the Adams Morgan concrete beneath me. I could hear the shrieking ambulance sirens approaching.

It was harder to make friends in DC.  Unlike Austin where I had had a grad program acting as a crutch for early friendships, here it was different.  No community to lean on.  Who was I in this new place?

I guess I thought that once I finished high school, studied abroad, graduated college, got my Masters, paid my own bills, lived in a city as a single, independent woman, every question mark I ever had in my head would turn into a period. Instead they all just turned into ellipses and I wondered what I “needed” to do next.  What was next on the checklist? I couldn’t move to a new city again. There was no escape plan in that exhausted idea. 

A man! A man was the only thing missing from my checklist. Maybe once I had him all the ellipses would be periods. Finally, I could take a nap and get some rest. If I had only known the ways of the bees months before I wouldn’t have come to this fear based conclusion. In the hive community the Queen bee births all the brood (offspring). She is the sole source of life. Without her presence there is no hive. It is not a patriarchal system. Although the Queen bee does need Drones (male bees) to produce brood, she relies on her fellow Worker bees (sterile female bees) to help her and the hive thrive and stay strong.

Did I mention I have a proclivity for Ernest Hemingway-like men who are much older than me and make me feel like shit about myself? Well I started dating one of those men. He would fix it all. These months of my heart being high-jacked were ones of struggle, no appetite, and tears. All my energy was spent trying to impress him, getting to know him, lusting after him.  I had no energy or foresight to go make new friends. He would be my key to new friends, a new life; happiness. I was constantly trying to convince this drone that I was worth loving. I listened to him talk a lot, but never did much of the talking. I nodded so much I probably looked like a bobble head. I felt like one too. My head wasn’t really connected to the rest of my body so my soul felt like a big jumbled mess, confused between the head and the heart of my plastic existence.

I was being inauthentic.  I remember sending a “Merry Christmas” email to Ernest Hemingway only to get a response a month later saying, “Sorry we lost touch - you know how that happens when people date?” Another bold, searing question mark. I was back at the beginning. I couldn’t take anymore question marks. 

Darwin was bothered that he could not rationalize the fact that sterile Worker bees would display altruism towards the Queen.  Where did this will come from if they were unable to be encouraged by the possibility of offspring? One theory, “Kin selection,” explains that worker bees are more related to each other than they are to their parents. By helping each other, they are helping themselves to produce a strong, thriving hive, in which genes can be passed down for the generations.

 I didn’t need a drone to complete me. What I needed to practice was Kin selection; find a hive to shelter myself from this raging tornado of abandonment. I didn’t know it yet, but by engaging in a community, I would find strength as well as enhance the community’s purpose. This was the only way I’d feel I was helping myself find the periods to the sentences.

Ever the academic as my student loan debt can confirm, I signed up for an urban bee keeping class. Why Urban bee keeping?  I had never been stung by a bee in my life, much less kept a bee hive. I live in an apartment complex in DC with no backyard. I knew I wouldn’t be building a hive my first bee season, but I wanted to learn about bees. They seemed like a blue print for a perfect community. They seemed so in sync with one another and mysterious to me. 

When a new Queen Bee is introduced to the hive, she is lowered into a hive encased in a glass vessel, with a cork made from sugar.  As the weeks go by, the bees get used to the Queen and her pheromones as they slowly eat away the sugar cork.  I desperately wanted someone to eat away at my sugar cork and let me burst free from this glass house I’d been living in.

My class became my colony; the hive from which I entered and was enriched by. Each Saturday I woke up early to get to bee class.  I even had a man ask for me to sleep over at his house after a long night of kissing. I wasn’t feeling him that strongly anyways, but it was fun to say, “I can’t, I have an urban bee class tomorrow morning!” and receive the strangest face ever. That’s how I knew he wasn’t really for me. The bees saved me from another Ernest Hemingway.

I no longer cared about completing my checklist. I only cared about the bees, and questioning the question marks. What else did I want to do now that I had freed myself from a checklist existence? What else was I here to do?

My purpose is not to be the world’s greatest bee keeper. But taking the class got me out of my comfort zone, led me to question my insecurities, embrace new people, and make new friendships. Even if I was a newbie and had no clue what I was talking about when it came to bees, I was now a part of a community. There was no winning or losing and all my hellos were received with smiles when I sat in my classroom chair.

 

Because of bee class I had someone to spend a Sunday brunch with. And not just one person, but a swarm of people. As I sat on the patio that Sunday, sipping a mimosa under the early spring sun in the cool breeze with my new found friends, I realized there were periods at the end of the sentences in my head. And the ones that ended in question marks did not scare me anymore. I had found my place in the hive.

First, suffering drags you deeper into yourself.

Instead of recoiling from the sorts of loving commitments that almost always involve suffering, they throw themselves more deeply into them. Even while experiencing the worst and most lacerating consequences, some people double down on vulnerability. They hurl themselves deeper and gratefully into their art, loved ones and commitments.


http://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/08/opinion/brooks-what-suffering-does.html?partner=rssnyt&emc=rss&_r=1

 a well written perspective on the experience of suffering.

bow down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KbV8h8FGpc

eight minutes in.

HELLZ YEAH.

breakthrough.

For the first time in a LONG time, i felt whole. I felt that everything I needed, I had. I wasn't wanting anything, I wasn't missing anything; I felt truly complete. It happened at yoga last night and it was a personal highlight for me this year.  I was in the half moon pose!!!

i have been getting signs lately. and it's getting me really excited. I can hear my intuition clearly now and I'm confident it's leading somewhere magical. for awhile there, I couldn't hear it at all and didn't know what to do. I was feeling shame, guilt, and apologizing for no reason.

my future goals are more visible now, but i am also trying to live in the present. it's a balancing act that only gets better with practice. that's what I've learned these past few months.

ALSO can i just say, "The Four Agreements" has been an amazing read these past few months. It may seem at first like hippe bullshit, but it is a book which has reminded me about things that are key to have in finding personal acceptance, contentment, confidence. 

Desiderata

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

- Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata"

 

i am.

once I had a fabulous yoga teacher make us do this exercise:

we sat with our legs crossed, our palms lying face up, resting on our knees.
She had us think of the phrase "i am ____" and told us to fill in the blank as we sat in silence. Thinking of all the things we are.

I am a sister
I am a daughter
I am a friend
I am tired
I am mad
I am happy
I am good
I am bad
I am [professional job]

After we recited some of these phrases in our heads, the yoga instructor said, "Now repeat only, 'I am.' "

I am.
I am.
I am.

The short phrase was so much easier to say. I felt free, limitless, full of possibilities and best of all, zen.
The short phrase is the true one.

your hairline now so untrustworthy

You Are the Penultimate Love of My Life
BY REBECCA HAZELTON


I want to spend a lot but not all of my years with you.
We’ll talk about kids
                              but make plans to travel.
I will remember your eyes
                              as green when they were gray.
Our dogs will be named For Now and Mostly.
               Sex will be good but next door’s will sound better.

There will be small things.
I will pick up your damp towel from the bed,
                                                            and then I won’t.
I won’t be as hot as I was
                              when I wasn’t yours
and your hairline now so
               untrustworthy.
When we pull up alongside a cattle car
                              and hear the frightened lows,
                              I will silently judge you
                              for not immediately renouncing meat.
You will bring me wine
                              and notice how much I drink.

                                              The garden you plant and I plant
                              is tunneled through by voles,
                                                             the vowels
                                                             we speak aren’t vows,
               but there’s something
                              holding me here, for now,
               like your eyes, which I suppose
                                                             are brown, after all.




Rebecca Hazelton, “You Are the Penultimate Love of My Life” from Vow. Copyright © 2013 by Rebecca Hazelton. Reprinted by permission of Cleveland State University Press Poetry Center.

Source: Vow (Cleveland State University Press Poetry Center, 2013)