Two things i learned from last night's Marc Maron show: #1)
Vulnerability is the most magnificent quality you can offer.
Unfortunately, it is the hardest to do, b/c of negative past situations
of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of. BUT if you can trust
and put yourself out there, I believe it will pay you back ten fold and
make life richer. If you can be your true self and not care what others
think, that is the most beautiful thing. #2) I am intentionally going to
try to date more FUNNY men. I laughed SO hard last night. Laughter is
so important. If you could spend time with someone who makes you laugh,
instead of makes you cry and be the bug in their emotionally fucked up
spider web, life is SO much better. I'm tired of trying to fix men that
cannot be fixed by anyone but themselves. I want to be around a man that
can light me up and make me laugh until my belly hurts and there are
(HAPPY) tears in my eyes.
This morning i received a shit storm of texts messages out of the blue from RPJ. He said he feels that he cannot trust me and that all he can focus on is when I will dump him. Therefore he has put a barrier up and cannot open up to me anymore. He cites something i said JOKINGLY months ago in a bar:
"I'm going to date old men, then when I want kids, dump them for a young guy." I was joking.
I've assured him that I don't actually believe this. That my actions speak more than my words. But still he says he can't trust me.
So I replied, "Obviously I can't control your feelings. Only you can come to those conclusions. If it bothers you then that's probably a personal message telling you to go in a different direction."
What I really wanted to say was, "Please Go fuck yourself." But I didn't.
I am officially DRAINED from this vampire. I have nothing left to give, no more tears to be cried. There is nothing else to do or say. It's OVER.
It's unfortunate that it took so long for me to let go of him. I wanted to hold on. But sometimes, holding on is more painful than letting go.
I never want to have to "convince" a man to trust, love, or be with me. I do not have time for complicated, dark, emotional damage of someone else. I barely have time for my own. Which thankfully, isn't that much.
I got the waitress job and the manager eventually wants me to bar tend. :)
Walking from the interview to the Marc Maron show last night, i felt the small arms of a little girl run at my and grab my waist. It was my reading buddy from the Literacy program i volunteer with. She was with her family walking home and all smiles, saying how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait to get back to the program in a couple weeks (the school is on break).
Even though parts of my life feel fucked up from the outside they really aren't. I feel like yesterday was this turning point for me. I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am trusting in the Universe and I believe if I can stay true to myself and remain kind through the bad shit, Life will continue to be a rich ride. I feel like I've finally stepped into the changing flow of the ocean of Life and I'm not as scared or stressed anymore. It's like I now know deep inside everything is going to be ok.
This morning i received a shit storm of texts messages out of the blue from RPJ. He said he feels that he cannot trust me and that all he can focus on is when I will dump him. Therefore he has put a barrier up and cannot open up to me anymore. He cites something i said JOKINGLY months ago in a bar:
"I'm going to date old men, then when I want kids, dump them for a young guy." I was joking.
I've assured him that I don't actually believe this. That my actions speak more than my words. But still he says he can't trust me.
So I replied, "Obviously I can't control your feelings. Only you can come to those conclusions. If it bothers you then that's probably a personal message telling you to go in a different direction."
What I really wanted to say was, "Please Go fuck yourself." But I didn't.
I am officially DRAINED from this vampire. I have nothing left to give, no more tears to be cried. There is nothing else to do or say. It's OVER.
It's unfortunate that it took so long for me to let go of him. I wanted to hold on. But sometimes, holding on is more painful than letting go.
I never want to have to "convince" a man to trust, love, or be with me. I do not have time for complicated, dark, emotional damage of someone else. I barely have time for my own. Which thankfully, isn't that much.
I got the waitress job and the manager eventually wants me to bar tend. :)
Walking from the interview to the Marc Maron show last night, i felt the small arms of a little girl run at my and grab my waist. It was my reading buddy from the Literacy program i volunteer with. She was with her family walking home and all smiles, saying how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait to get back to the program in a couple weeks (the school is on break).
Even though parts of my life feel fucked up from the outside they really aren't. I feel like yesterday was this turning point for me. I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am trusting in the Universe and I believe if I can stay true to myself and remain kind through the bad shit, Life will continue to be a rich ride. I feel like I've finally stepped into the changing flow of the ocean of Life and I'm not as scared or stressed anymore. It's like I now know deep inside everything is going to be ok.
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