It was ... odd.

I had yet another extremely vivid, long dream about dating Marc Maron last night. The beginning of the date was good. We spent sunny days eating and drinking and hiking in CALIFORNIA? 

I brought him home to my parents and family and no one understood and kept telling me he was too old and then we got in fights and then my mom questioned how many men I had slept with in my lifetime.

It was ... odd.

I woke up feeling ashamed yet extremely in love and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm blaming this on the Catholic Guilt that I'll never rid myself of.

I hope if I ever do date an old man my family will understand. Seeing as though the majority of my boyfriends have been 5-15 years older than me, I do not see that changing soon. Although my recent NYE disaster was younger than me.

It would be really difficult for me to love someone if my family hated them. Is that ok? I feel like if you love someone, you'd be able to be ok w/ your family not liking them. But how much is worth having fights with your family?

LUCKILY, none of these things are my problem.

Just my dream's problem.

It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.

 

Dreams ... (or nightmares?) of late

I had a dream this last night/morning. I was dating Marc Maron. We lived in Austin, Texas and my family was in town. We were at Austin-y restaurant; meaning it was a restaurant with Mexican food and brightly colored picnic tables and pink prickly pear margaritas.  I kept on being constantly paranoid about what my conservative father and Marc Maron were going to talk about and I kept on interrupting. It became a "stress dream" - one of those dreams you have when you wake up totally stressed out about it.Some people run from a monster or zombie for the whole night. I go on dates w/ my family and liberal comedian fake boyfriend.


I was half awake lying in bed, thinking "OMG I can't date this guy. My family hates this guy. But I wanna date this guy! What am I going to do?" I was totally stressed out about it.

Then I realized I am not dating Marc Maron so I tried to calm the fuck down.

Two nights ago I had a REALLY weird dream where I had two fucked up looking nipples in addition to my regular nipples. Nipples?!

Here is what dream dictionaries say about that:
 
Nipples:Whether you are a child or an adult, seeing nipples in your dream represents that you rely on your mother for a lot of things. On the other hand, you might just need some motherly love or someone close to you reminds you of that love. 

You are feeling sexually inadequate.

No shit, Sherlock.