Couples I don't want to be

At work last weekend i waited on two couples.

The first one:

• woman cuter than man
• he was a fat nerd w/ glasses
• she was audrey hepburn
• she paid for the entire meal. she wrote on her receipt, "boyfriend got the tip."
• her boyfriend paid a $10.00 tip on a $50.00 tab. 
• I found this to be annoying. 
• i hope a man splits it with me or pays for all of it
• why was she with him?

The second one:

• i forgot to get bacon on the guy's burger
• the woman is the one who accosted me with this oversight
• i apologized and got the kitchen to bring down a side of bacon
• the woman insisted they get a discount, even after he ate it all
• yes, she ordered a salad and just a salad
• he said, "no honey, it's ok"
• she would not back down.
• he was whipped and let her have all the power

Two couples I never want to be.

Fuck yes

I went out with a friend last night. I had some beers. I showed her pictures of the two drastically older men I'm interested in. One of whom is my ex.

She looked at me and said
"OMG. No. You are way too nice and too funny and too beautiful to date these losers!!! You deserve someone who's going to take you on dates and want to date you."

I got a text from RPJ when i got home.

I called him twice he didn't pick up.

I said I'd rather talk on the phone.

So then I proceed to drop TRUTH BOMBS on his phone.

I don't know if what I did was right.

Basically I told him
Shit or get off the pot. Just in many more words.

I spoke my truth, so I'm not going to feel bad about it. I just hate it when a girl speaks her mind and a man labels her as "psycho or crazy" - when in actuality I'm just looking to cleanse my life of the BULLSHIT which he sprays onto it.

It's so complicated and painful and I don't have time for this shit!!!!

Did I do the "right" thing? Am I missing out on the greatest love of my life? I don't think so, since I would hope the greatest love of my life WOULD ACTUALLY TREAT ME WITH MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE.  i feel the love from him. Just no respect. 

the love song that's stuck in my head

 










Friday night i went out with friends, then met up with Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw. We had a few drinks and it was fun to talk and spend time w/ him. there was no kissing cuz i was sick. I haven't heard back from him since :/ i texted him today, so we'll see if he says hello.

Last night i got a text from RPJ, my ex. He asked what I was up to and that he was glad we were talking again and we should hang out soon. I called him. He told me he was at a bar around the corner from me.

So i threw on my coat and went to have a few drinks with my "buddy".

we continue to drink. he pays for all my drinks. he takes my hand in his hand and tells me why it's so hard for him. why he disappears on women. why he gets scared. he tells me about being in a helicopter, sitting across from a medic and a man with his brain coming out of his mouth.

you've been through some heavy shit, I agree.

he tells me he's always been this way. he gets really into someone then pulls away.

you're testing me. seeing if i'll still be there. still hang out and be cool and be there when you come back.

he values his loner-ness. his solitaire. he wants someone who will be ok with that. that's why he  leaves or suddenly doesn't talk to me for a long time.

you keep holding my hand. you say your father's death doomed us. we would be together if not for that loss. you weren't present and couldn't find your way back.
you tell me i'm cute, you tell me you're being seduced. "you're seducing me."
you love my hands. they feel so good, they're so soft. you rub them and hold them tight. you squeeze my arms and hands. you laugh when i get pink in the cheeks and tell me, "you're turning red." i say no it's just the lighting. you say no. don't be silly. you love that i'm so playful.

we start speaking in italian. anchio te. mi piace luigino.
i tell you how heartbroken i was.
we cash out. you walk me back to my place. it's so so cold and windy. we get inside my lobby and we kiss. my lips and yours dancing. all i'm thinking in my head is i want you. i'm thinking it so loud and so hard that i swear you hear my mind through our kissing.

are lips are dancing with the occasional scratch from your stubble.
we head downstairs to my apartment. i hope my roommate is not up because if she is she will give me an eye roll and make me feel like a high school student misbehaving in detention.
she's not up thank god. i tell you to go to my room while i make the tea.
i show you the camera my parents gave me, their 80s Canon. this was your first camera you say.
you fool with it and show me how it works, where the battery is. i love you.
i pour the tea and you're already lying down in my unmade bed. you're comfortable.
i put down the tea and you barely sips any. you tell me to come here and snuggle. but we don't even snuggle too long before we are kissing.

we lay in bed and my alarm goes off. the day must begin. my routine calls. i wash my face and dress and make my lunch.
we walk down the street. it's still cold. i am humming good morning music. "good morning, good morning, it's great to stay up late" - "oh what a beautiful morning"
"do you always sing in the morning?"
 "no ... wait, ya i guess i do! i hum and sing to myself."

we part ways and say see ya. you go up the street and i go to work. i still love you but i no longer am waiting for you. i can't wait. i must live out this novel of my life. with or without you.

is it wrong that last night happened? no. it just happened. this is life. all i do is what feels good, what is right in the moment. maybe it's not in the long run. but i no longer live for others rules. i live for my own rules. as long as i feel comfortable and good, i'm saying yes. life is too short to worry and hate myself. life is to love myself, every inch. all the good and bad bits. it's gorgeous and completely one of a kind.


sleeping next to him felt so good. a little part of me loves him after all this and that is the part i think rules my head even when it shouldn't.
the question is, do i want to wait around for him to figure it out? no i don't.

i definitely feel our dynamics are different now, though. i've kicked him off his pedestal and he is just another man. Unfortunately i am still in love with this man.

It's not as simple as saying I'm never going to see him again and cut him out. I can't do it. I've tried.

Once again

http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episodes/episode_571_-_jimmy_dore

65 minutes to 75 minutes is pretty much what I've been coming to grips with since Jan 2014. 

Goals and achievements, what is the point, how do you fill the empty hole within you if you can never achieve enough. You can only gain approval from yourself. 

It's amazing how we all feel the same sticky situations in this life, even though these two comics are way older than me and dudes.

JUST A POKE.

I poked a man on FB who is a hybrid of Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw.

Body of Shaw:



FACE of MARON:








 THINK ABOUT THAT ONE FOR A MOMENT.


I got no response FROM MY POKE and so I sent him a Facebook friend request. A LAST ATTEMPT.

I Facebook messaged two of my close male friends to ask before doing this. They assured me I had "nothing to lose."

So I did and now I feel stupid. That was stupid. The whole thing was stupid but now we'll be facebook friends. Cuz I think if he wanted to be my friend he would've asked right? Right? I just don't know. MEN ARE SO CONFUSING. there is a game and I don't know any of the rules and the rules change with every person.

Also i'm doing it in reverse since I already took the car for a test drive. Goddamn it. I just like men and affection so much. I can only go for so long w/out it!!!

But ultimately we should just remain FB friends since I am far too young for him and I need to stop my track record of dating old men. But if you keep on doing something does it mean it's bad or is it just what you like?!!?!?!?!?!?

Tonight I am going to an all women's comedy showcase, then eating a fixed price menu at a fancy restaurant w/ my friend from Portland. I'M EXCITEDDDDDDD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, I'm looking for a part time job until I find a job that pays me more. Yep. that's how sure I am that a negotiation would go NOWHERE.  i feel like a failure. I have a masters and no money. BUT i love my job so much and do not regret getting my degree.

I gotta make a dent in these student loans!!! Also, it doesn't help that I live in one of the most expensive cities in the USA. But I LOVE THIS CITY SO MUCH!!!! alas.



THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE.

It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.

 

He's baccckkkkkkk

My ex - the one that broke my heart last year - sent me an OUT OF THE BLUE email of hello on Sunday. I said something back, light, breezy, not asking any questions.

Ex: What's up?

Me: Thanksgiving was great, blah blah bye

Ex: Sounds good to me.

hours later

Ex: If you want to catch up or hang out after you get back let me know.

I haven't answered. I don't know if I will. He brought so much pain into my life.

These are the only two reasons I waiver:
1) I still find him devastatingly physically attractive. Like one of the hottest men ever.
2) There is a 5% within me that wants to believe he wants to right all the wrongs, do it "right" this time and love me the way I deserve. There is that very small part I want to believe which is: He loves me and wants to be with me.

But the 95%  knows the truth. The 95% of me cannot forget the countless times during our short time dating that he let me down, made me feel worthless, made me feel like I wasn't a priority. And that's the part I need to remember. I was SO MISERABLE when we were dating. Most of the time sucked and there were brief glimmers of amazingness. Those were the ones i wanted to believe in. But there wasn't enough of good. I constantly questioned my self-worth, confidence, sexiness, even words I said b/c I so badly wanted to please this asshole man. He dangled the relationship in my face, but only if i followed his rules. That's not love. That's manipulative bullshit of a true Narcissistic. The fact that he is contacting me out of the blue is proof of this as well.Also - I do not believe I'm the only one he's emailed this to. I suspect he has a long list of women like me - those he contacts for praise and/or sex when he's in between women and feeling insecure. What an asshole!!!

But there's that little part of me that wants him to take me out for drinks and tell me how wrong he was. But I know that would most likely end in some sort of fake reconciliation (sex) and would follow by months of an emotional roller coaster.

I need to make the right decision for me right now. That is - based on past knowledge - that I cannot ever engage with this man ever again. Even though I still have that 5% that craves the idea of him - the reality of him is not the same. The reality is that he's a selfish man with lots of problems. I need to protect myself this time. This is about self-preservation more than anything else. I love myself more than him. By far.

But why does it have to be this hard?

I can't wait until I meet someone who truly wants to love me, not just play games and be a shitty person. I've had more horrible things happen than good at dating and to be honest, the reason I haven't had a date in so long is fear and trauma. I realize this is not "special". I'm not the only one who has gone through these things, everyone goes through this. I just don't know what incentive there is to dating since every time I put my trust in someones hands they literally take it and smash it into 1,000 pieced before dumping me.

Dear God give me the strength to resist this bastard for once and for all!!!!

A miracle of miracles

Today i got to work on time, I made my self a healthy salad for lunch, I brought my gym clothes to work out at the work gym before going home. I also took my vitamins and did my makeup.

THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

It's the first of Christmas miracles.

Throwing Wine in His Face

 


This weekend I went for drinks with an older man. We had one date about 2 weeks ago. He took no initiative, but still contacted me for a non-date. And I still accepted thinking, "alright, at least we can be friends."

He's an interesting person. Bilingual, lived in different countries before. Older. Writes and actually reads books. Nice looking. Things that intrigue me. But I guess my bar isn't high enough.

We had planned to meet at 7pm, somewhere. At 6pm I get a text.

"I'm at [wine bar downtown]. How long will it take for you to get here?"
That's presumptuous. Yes, let me just drop all the shit I'm doing.
I drop it.

"I don't know. I guess 20 minutes if the metro behaves?"
"See you soon."
Ten minutes later,
"What's your ETA?"
My older, emotionally unavailable Ex used to use this phrase. A second glimpse of why I should NOT associate with this person.

"I dunno. 10 minutes I think."
Ten minutes pass. I'm still not on the metro. A minute later I walk through the sliding doors. A minute or two later I get off the metro car, headed to the escalator. I look down at my buzzing phone.

"Come on woman! Get here."
"That's rather demanding, and rude!" I thought. This is the point at which I should have turned around and went home. But I did not listen to my intuition and that's why the shit inevitably would soon hit the fan.

We met at a wine bar, blaring pseudo European electronic dance music. Misogynistic Old Asshole is sitting across from the bar side I'm on. He smiles and waves. I guess he forgot how hot I was. How much younger I was. 
"Took you long enough to get here."
"Ya. Weren't we meeting at 7pm? Not 6."
"I dunno I was here. So I texted you. Get some wine." He only speaks in commands. Another sign.

We start out talking about a mutual friend, possibly calling her to come hang out. We should do karaoke I suggest. He gives me a Cheshire cat smile, "how silly," yet he's so excited to think he could do karaoke later tonight.

Then we move on to talking about the DC dating scene. I explain my stance. No men. Not interested in men. I'm no longer interested. Looking for a relationship, not a one night stand. Looking for someone who is interested in me, don't want to get burned again. 

I explain how in my earlier 20s I did not want commitment. But when that phase was done I realized I wanted more. "Hooking up" didn't feel good. I also mentioned how I thought when you're a young woman you naively equate sex and love as the same thing and you think that if you put out, men will love you more, men will want to be with you for more than sex. At least, this was my experience.

"Equating love and sex? That's insanely naive. I can't even respond to that. Women can be so delusional."

"Delusional?"

"Yes. That's such a naive way to think. How delusional."

"Well I think that's why a lot of young girls have sex in high school. I think a lot of them want to express their love, or think if they give a boy what they want, they will fall in love with them. I think that's why a lot of women regret their first time experiences. Giving it away in a way that didn't work out as they hoped."  

"You mentioned you don't want to jump into anything, you 'got burned'? But the men you're talking about were just flings weren't they?"

"Well I guess they started out that way, but in my naivete I thought I could 'convince' them otherwise."

Angry Misogynistic Old Asshole voice: "Do you realized how victimized you sound? You're portraying yourself like a victim. When you weren't. Those guys just didn't love you and didn't even know that's what you wanted. Communication's important."

Defensive voice: "I don't think I sound like a victim. I think I'm just describing the female experience. At least my experience and what I've seen."

"You're not listening to me.  You're not special, [my name said in his Misogynistic Old Asshole voice]. You're not special. Being burned happens to everyone."

"I'm not special." I repeat back to him. He nodded with a shitty smirk on his face.

Now, I realize he meant my experience, not myself, but still the way he said this felt very dismissive, demeaning. I agree, these things happen to everyone, but when someone shares a story or experience with you, do you respond by dismissing it? I don't. I appreciate openness and honesty.

I felt the stem of my wine glass between my fingers. For a split second I considered splashing it in this Misogynistic Old Asshole's stupid grinning face. Instead, I sipped down the rest of my Rioja.





"I think I'm gonna go."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not having fun anymore." I ask for my check.

"There's no need to leave. I just thought we were having a lively debate. You're taking it so personally."

"I guess I don't share this shit with everyone so to be called a victim and delusional and not special just isn't .... fun."

"But you don't have to leave. It doesn't mean the rest of the night can't be fun. I think we've had a misunderstanding." back pedal back pedal back pedal.

I cash out, get off my bar stool,

"Bye," i say with an awkward smile on my face.

On the metro back home I received three texts. "I'm sorry I upset you. I guess I'm used to having spirited debates with friends who don't take things personally. It's not good to runaway when you don't agree with someone. You didn't have to ruin the whole night over some stupid disagreement."

I went home, pretty pissed off. But instead of crying or letting it ruin my Saturday night i called a friend and went to a corner bar and laughed and drank.

Life is too short to spend with Misogynistic Old Assholes. Even though I totally ignored my instincts and chose to be blind to the warning signs, at least each time it happens I'm getting better at recognizing. Like you know, not actually making out or sleeping with these sorts. That's an improvement.

Dreams ... (or nightmares?) of late

I had a dream this last night/morning. I was dating Marc Maron. We lived in Austin, Texas and my family was in town. We were at Austin-y restaurant; meaning it was a restaurant with Mexican food and brightly colored picnic tables and pink prickly pear margaritas.  I kept on being constantly paranoid about what my conservative father and Marc Maron were going to talk about and I kept on interrupting. It became a "stress dream" - one of those dreams you have when you wake up totally stressed out about it.Some people run from a monster or zombie for the whole night. I go on dates w/ my family and liberal comedian fake boyfriend.


I was half awake lying in bed, thinking "OMG I can't date this guy. My family hates this guy. But I wanna date this guy! What am I going to do?" I was totally stressed out about it.

Then I realized I am not dating Marc Maron so I tried to calm the fuck down.

Two nights ago I had a REALLY weird dream where I had two fucked up looking nipples in addition to my regular nipples. Nipples?!

Here is what dream dictionaries say about that:
 
Nipples:Whether you are a child or an adult, seeing nipples in your dream represents that you rely on your mother for a lot of things. On the other hand, you might just need some motherly love or someone close to you reminds you of that love. 

You are feeling sexually inadequate.

No shit, Sherlock.

why do people procreate?

This article makes me never want to have a child. I feel like all I hear from people with babies is complaining. And when it's not complaints, it's pictures. I just don't get why people have children!!!! I DON'T GET IT. 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/stacey-becker/2014/06/12-things-nobody-ever-tells-new-moms/

My future ex-husband and RuPaul

 My future ex-husband, Marc Maron, spoke with RuPaul today on his podcast. I REALLY enjoyed this WTF podcast episode. Marc and RuPaul touched on:

• finding your true self, 
• shedding the labels society puts on you
• shedding the identity you unconsciously may be shackling yourself to
• the importance of being fearless

all the while peppering the conversation with TONS of hearty laughter.

I love Marc Maron's podcast because he and his guests touch on subjects that are a part of the human experience (ie: those sucky emotions, "heavy shit", life's major questions, the purpose of life),but he approaches these subjects with warm humor, compassion, and genuine interest. These are things we as a culture do not always talk about, but his podcast makes it approachable, interesting and .... really entertaining!

RuPaul had some AMAZING insights on how we choose to live. How these choices can free you or deplete you. How to let go of fear and live a life without fear.

My favorite quote was "Ru - Don't take life too fucking seriously!" listen AT 40:55!!!!

LISTEN HERE:
http://www.wtfpod.com/

http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episodes/episode_498_-_rupaul_charles

reflections, red flags

sometimes old memories of people hit you out of nowhere.

i have to share this red flag that at one time I willingly ignored.  It was what I call a "red flag on fire."

i remember laying in bed the morning after, talking about our creative interests. he asked me if I wanted to be a photographer. I said "no, but I want to learn how to take better photographs."

"good. my ex was a photographer and that was," he rolls his eyes and gets grim.

"no. I don't want to be a photographer. I'm more into writing; that's where my creativity is."

"what kind of writing?"

"short stories, creative fiction."

"i don't like that. Fiction. Only historical narratives and real things."



HAHAHA.


wtf.

Cab or Couch

 



I went out this past Friday. I was out with my friends for a birthday party. Some guy was there. He was like a hotter version of the lead singer of Mumford and Sons. Sharp retro styled, Mad men hair cut, plaid wearing, muscular. And he had a sexy name. The first name where it could be a last name, sorta deal.

We danced all night and then made out and then realized all our friends had left us. He kept complaining that he had to catch a cab to Arlington (wtf) and asking me to come home with him. My new thing is to not sleep with a guy until I know he's fallen in love with me, so clearly that wasn't happening. He kept on complaining and I was tired and I thought about if the situation was turned around. I thought, "ya it would suck having to spend $50.00 on a cab ride." I was tired and a bit drunk and offered up my couch but was CRYSTAL CLEAR that he was sleeping on the couch.

We went back to my place, at pizza and watched Maron. I should've known he was a bad guy when he didn't know who Marc Maron was. Red Flag. And when I found out he was a TAX LOBBYIST FOR THE KOCH BROTHERS. Red Flag on Fire.

After we watch an episode, I said, "ok time for bed." I threw some pillows and a blanket on the couch and said goodnight. He looked at me and said, "Wait, you're REALLY going to make me sleep on the couch?" 

"Yes. I said you could sleep on my couch. You're not sleeping in my bed. I just met you tonight, you're not sleeping in my bed."

"I can't believe you're doing this. You're so inconsiderate. You know, I'm a catch."








MY JAW DROPS. I begin laughing from astonishment. "I'm a catch!!!"

He rolls his eyes.
OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST DO THAT TO ME.

"Listen you can either sleep on my couch or take a cab. It's COUCH OR CAB."

"Well then I guess I'm taking a cab."

"I guess you are."

He slammed the door of my apartment while yelling at me. I got back in my bed, ate more pizza, snuggled under the covers watching Maron and breathed a huge sigh of relief. I'm glad I got to throw SUCH A CATCH back out to the sea of love for someone else to hook. 

I get a text from him when he is in the back of the cab:
Is this your #? Thanks for everything. Such a great time @ your place. Listening to Beiber in the cab. hope 2 see ya soon.

WTF

Then i get a text the next day:
So hung over today. Let's grab a drink sometime. Nice dance moves ;-)

WTF.

OBVIOUSLY
I WOULD NEVER TEXT HIM BACK.

This is dating in DC.
This is why I will remain single until I move somewhere else.
This is why I love being single.


And this is the last time i will EVER offer a man to sleep on my couch. They'll just have to deal with the $50.00 cab rides.



 

Only in J Crew Land

I saw this on the metro yesterday. WTF. Only in this city would you see a dollar bill ripped up for no damn reason. In every other city people ain't ripping up monetary funds! They need that money!

COUPLES ARE BORING.

COUPLES SUCK.

tonight i was out with my trivia team and my one trivia mate brought his gf. i like her and they are fun. but tonight we started talking about dating. it was 2 single people in the group and 3 coupled people. We were a bit outnumbered.

both me and the other single person stated why dinner is not a first date option, more of a 3rd date option. 1st dates are for casual stuff; drinks, bowling, origami making, podcasting, YOU KNOW.

3rd dates can be dinners. You don't want to eat awkwardly on a first date. not sexy. at all.

The couple insisted their first date was a dinner date. well fuck them.

I also said how on a dinner date i would prefer the man to pay for my dinner. ON THE FIRST DINNER DATE HE NEEDS TO PAY FOR MY DINNER. if he can't or doesn't want to pay for my $12-22.00 pasta dish he can go fuck himself. I AM WORTH far more than a $12-22.00 pasta dish. After the first date we can ease up and split checks, but the first REAL dinner date is important to me. ALSO all my favorite and most caring ex-boyfriends ALWAYS paid for my food the whole time we were dating. IMAGINE THAT.

I was called out on this practice as well. i was told i was NOT FEMINIST AND ANTI-EQUALITY. 

COUPLES ARE STUPID.

i was also told a classics story that most couples tell you. Since they are not in the dating scene they don't understand what it is like to date, how to act. I was told i needed to ask more men out on dates, be more aggressive, approach men.

Personally, i'm not opposed to approaching a man to start a conversation, but i do not want to ask him on a date. I'd rather talk to him, flirt, see if he's interested. If he is interested he will ask me out. IF HE IS NOT, HE WILL NOT ASK ME OUT. and that will save me time. I've asked out men in the past and whenever i've done that it's ended shittily. why? BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T INTO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.

COUPLES SUCK AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. 

just keep doing your thing. there is no right way to date and you cannot tell the future. 

i'd rather be alone & happy than married & miserable. 

WASHINGTON D.C.: MOST LITERATE, MOST ALONE.

I find it fascinating that both these news stories broke today:
D.C. is the 2nd best city for singles: http://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/2014/best-cities-singles/

It also is the #1 most well-read, most literate US city. http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/style-blog/wp/2014/02/06/washington-d-c-is-still-americas-most-literate-city/

WASHINGTON D.C.: MOST SINGLE PEOPLE, MOST LITERATE.

This leads me to the following questions:
Are smart people shitty at dating?

Are smart people too intelligent to date? Meaning too aware of the pitfalls and tragedies dating can bring, so therefore avoid or reject it.

Are people in DC so busy reading books and articles on the internet they do not need human interaction?

Are people in DC too socially awkward and nerdy to find partners?

Are intelligent people arrogant, too picky when choosing a mate?

IS THIS WHY IT'S SO DAMN HARD TO DATE HERE????

this video explains my theory:

MARC MARON

I want to date someone who is like Marc Maron, but less damaged and less angry.

But then, that person wouldn't be like Marc Maron anymore. And I wouldn't like him.

 

Being Your Own Best Friend

“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg

“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg

We are far too hard on ourselves. And not only the own voices inside our head, but the media that implants little nasty ones as well.

I've realized this week i need to remember to be kinder to myself. If I said the the things i say to myself to a friend, that friend would probably think i was a big B-I-T-C-H.

It was my first time back at yoga since my bike accident tonight. My left side is bothersome, but I can finally do downward dog and arm stands again. Or so i thought. I couldn't even get up to the wall!

And from that discouragement I spiraled into thinking everything about me was horrible. i think i may have shed a tear during Savasana.

But after the class, the teacher came up to me and said it was nice to meet me. i told her i hadn't been in since the accident and that i couldn't do any of the moves-

and she interrupted me right there and said, "no, no. Stop right now, that does not matter. it's not about the moves." and then she had a big smile on her face and i felt a little better.

my room is messy sometimes. and sometimes i don't forget about men as fast as i'd like to. i let them linger like favorite songs and poems. sometimes i stay on pinterest for a whole hour or leave all my clothes on the floor after i wash them, instead of folding them in neat piles. and sometimes i eat mac n cheese for dinner that's not organic.

but i need to remember to just forget about all that shit cause i need to be nicer to myself and see all the good things and encourage them and not dwell on when i fall short.

i'm actually pretty good at being alone and surviving that way. i've never lived w/ a man who was my lover and i no longer live with parents. so in that sense i feel confident. but loving the person i am with alone is a whole different thing i always need more work on. why is it so easy to listen to the bad shit?

i am reminded of the wise words of the poet-prophet, singer-writer, the myth, the legend, Leonard Cohen:

You'll never guess

Ok. So now i am seriously thinking the Universe has moved beyond playing pranks on me and is actually trying to tell me something significant. cuz nothing makes sense anymore!

You'll never guess who emailed me to mention "that we should hang out and catch up soon - and did i see you walking down the street last week?" And yet i then saw him today running with his lady friend of last Sunday??? I don't even know if he's single. Does he really JUST want to be friends. He's just too sexy for me to do that with him.

The WHITE WHALE, the RPJ, returns and i really wanna know the beginning of this story, or the end of it.

if anything does happen and Ahab finally catches the White Whale, you'll be the first to know about it, dear reader.

like i said. BIG if.

i really think he's just playing tag with me, adult style.