It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.

 

ahab goes to an art gallery.

I'm going out tonight w/ the white whale to an art gallery....of course. last night we spoke on the phone for 2 hours. This seems to be becoming a regular occurrence. Once we start talking we just have so much to share and we want to get it all out, like we don't have enough time or something.

he told me a lot about himself. he was an open book and shared some pretty major details about him and his life thus far. i deeply appreciated this. but I'm not so ready to tell those things about myself. it's too soon and i gotta trust before any of that happens. and that takes me awhile. i can pretend trust, ignore it's absence - that's easy. but actually trusting with a whole heart is difficult for me.

to love someone too much is a great risk; but miracles still happen and sometimes things come true.
It reminds me of the scene in "Moonstruck" when the mother says to the daughter:

[Loretta announces she's going to marry Johnny Camareri]
Cosmo Castorini: I don't like him.
Rose: You're not going to marry him, Cosmo. Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: No.
Rose: Good.
[She looks at Cosmo]
Rose: When you love them they drive you crazy because they know they can.

 Then later in the movie when Rose decides to marry the man she is REALLY in love with:
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: Aw, ma, I love him awful.
Rose: Oh, God, that's too bad.

The White Whale has lived longer than i have. He has more experiences. Yet, we click. We never run out of things to say and i find him devastatingly handsome, like so handsome it has a sweet pain attached to it. sort of like "la dolore exquisite" only i think there is a big chance i will be with him. He's irresistible.

He tripped me up a couple times on the phone with questions and he got quite a kick out of making me go silent. Not many people do that to me.
"So how is it that you don't you have a boyfriend?"
...

I cherish the fact that he wants to go at a glacial speed. I've had to many failures based on lightening speed lustful attractions. It's time to try something new. I want an exclusive partner who wants to get to know me, the true, real me; not just the physical. I'm over that and want the full experience of truly loving someone else.

AHAB HAS CAUGHT THE WHITE WHALE, bitches.

The white whale came over to watch a movie in my turf last night. We ended up cuddling and then smooching as long as we could.

We're trying to stay in an introductory phase for as long as we can. We don't wanna get ahead of ourselves. Even though we find each other incredibly attractive. He is a man's man. Tall, dark (silver fox actually), Italian (meaning he speaks it sometimes which is...!!!), and so so very handsome. and the whole occupation doesn't hurt either. there is a high voltage charge between us that's too much to temper at times, but i'm going to try.

On the subject of books, The White Whale said, he only reads historical narratives.

i chided him and said he isn't giving reading a chance if he's only reading one genre. He replied, "i've read Moby Dick four times, though."

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT.
that was almost too crazy to believe. 

We watched a George Clooney film and then i put on Roman Holiday. The white whale said,
"Gregory Peck is best in the old version of Moby Dick."

 

WHATTTTTTTTT.

yes, y'all. this really happened. Ms. Ahab finally caught her fish and my did it taste so succulent.

I'm excited to see what the future holds for us. This time I'm excited because we are taking it at a glacial pace. This is a new concept to me. But I've reached a point in my life where I'd rather take my sweet time and invest, rather than waste it all in one shot and be disappointed.

Friday night, the 27th

Friday night i went out with the HCMW (hawt canadian man whore) lawyer.  We went to Union Market for some tasty sea morsels of raw oysters. I ordered the Cava, he got a beer i forget the name of now. Oh and we also hacked away at a glorious crabcake, crispy on all sides, laying on a beg of pretentious (in the best sense) slaw.

The HCMW went to Berlin last week and told me of his travels. He spoke of beer and beer and sausages and bread. and lots of art. and people with crazy hair styles who will be cooler than you no matter how hard you try. He also said the bars were all hole in the wall, divey places with dark dark lights and a band that would consist of violinist and bass - or pick any two other instruments.

After that we then went to a bunch of other fine H Street establishments. They have great bars on that street. They are the kind that you can hide away in and will not see anyone you know. They are a bit smoky, loud and secret.

At the Old Queen Vic we had the most beers. Mostly of the Scottish fare. Then the HCMW continued to romance me and i was done for. We've been dating since August, so the jig is up.

After our fun night we went to the Crafty Bastards Craft fair.  I bought a beautiful print from an Asheville, NC's Marisol Spoon, http://marisolspoon.com/category.php?category_id=2 I got the "Librarian" one. So fitting. She is so cute. I can't wait to stick her in a frame.

The HCMW wears a St. Christopher necklace under his clothes, over his collarbone. He brought me back 3 huge bars of dark chocolate (70%+). He told me he wants to fatten me up so he won't have other men competing for my affections and he can have me all to himself. Ha! I thought that was very saucy to say.

Still in the Running

Lawyer - he always plans amazing date nights, pays for everything, compliments me, is really funny and great conversation. and he is smart.

Hot Canadian Man Whore - We began as friends and now we make-out and kiss when we are together. As soon as he found out i was dating boys, be upped his game and now pays for everything. He calls me sweetie, hottie, and tells me to "stop being so sexy." He makes me blush all the time - yet i am friend zoning him b/c i know he does this with all his "girlfriends."

Hawt Ginge - I think i want to friend zone him, but he seems like the sweetest guy ever. We've only been out once but I can tell he is a good person. i just can't tell if i like him that way yet. 

Cut from the Team

I am cutting the WG from the team.

Our first two dates were awesome. Our third date he took me to a shitty resto, we split the check, then he didn't even pay for my $4.00 gelato.  Then all he wanted to do was have sex, "cuz he's not looking for anything right now" EXCEPT FOR SEX, I GUESS.

ALSO HE TOLD ME I WASN'T FUNNY. even if i'm not, don't you just lie or something?! "that's not funny." what a Dick!!!

So recently I heard this quote from somewhere, it was something like, "If a man tells you he is not looking to be serious believe him" - meaning if someone directly tells you they are not looking for a serious relationship, they are telling you the truth.  And the best thing you can do for yourself is believe them and move on.

I think to many women (myself included in the past) want to believe they can be the one that "Changes" their man.  And that's always a losing game. Why waste your time on someone who blatantly tells you you are not what they are looking for?

So - even though i like the WG and thought he had potential - WG is being cut from the team because i do not have time to waste on a guy that doesn't want to date me and ONLY wants me for sex. gross.

Fleeting in either case.

All the boys want to kiss you when they're leaving, but i guess they want to kiss you when you make a grand entrance too. Fleeting in either case.

The hawt ginge bartender has asked me out.

The RPJ responded to my three month old email with an obscure, short email and a Linked-in request?

A boy from the west coast has checked up on me as he occasionally does, although i wish he called me.

A boy who is in love with a blonded-haired southern belle keeps texting me, yet desperately avoiding any contact and i do not know why - since my crush on him faded three months after kissing him on a sweaty September Texas night - therefore i no longer want to jump his bones, but i guess he thinks i do? oh men.

I have a date this week Wed (Hot Canadian Man Whore), Thursday (Wonderful Guy), Sun (Hawt Ginge Bar tender).

Friday and Saturday are to myself. But i am going to try to avoid meeting anymore boys, b/c right now it is at 5 (Lawyer and John Mayer were not mentioned this week) and it is beginning to become difficult to keep straight.

I guess this is a lesson in balance? also there is such a thing as too much attention.

My Date Sunday

I had a date on Sunday with a wonderful man. We'll call him, WG for Wonderful Guy.

The WG came over to my place Sunday morning and RE-BUILT my Bike that i have so long for and missed!!!

It was very appealing watching him get out his tool box and build it for me. and sweat over me.  Very cute indeed.

Then we went for a bike ride over to his house. He lives in a big group house with a huge deck and garden.  He showed me some starter plants and the compost he built last week. He wanted to kiss me right then and there but he didn't cuz i wasn't gonna let him yet.

Then we went to a coffee shop.

Then we rode our bikes to Rock Creek Park and we sat by the creek and he surprised me by pulling a picnic our of his backpack!!!

Baguette, Italian sopressata salami (the fat in it tasted like butter; it was amazing), Blue cheese, figs, smoked salmon and dark chocolate!

Then, finally we went to Meridian Hill Park to see the infamous Drum circle that gathers every Sunday afternoon and has for 50 years!

We were quite PDA-ish and ridiculous and it makes me wonder and/or worry i may actually really want to give more attention than is usually given to men to the WG.

My Date Friday

My Friday Date consisted of amazing imbibing at PX Lounge.







Crispy, succulent Fish'n'Chip fare at Eamonn's Chippery!

This was our Cab ride into DC from Alexandria

And finally we ended the night dancing to WHITE FORD BRONCO at Town Tavern. Awesome 90s cover band!!!  Can you say mash-up of "All for you" and "Run-around"?!

We also danced and made-out sporadically to:
I touch myself
Let's give them something to talk about
Genie in a bottle
Get what you give

It was rather marvelous.

He knows.

I was a bridesmaid dressed in marigold yellow on Friday. there was a man who thought he was John Mayer,  man i've known since my undergrad.  He was always soooo sexy, but always had a girlfriend; so unfortunate.

On Saturday i went to his show at the local bar. i saw him sing the covers. he is a sexy man on the stage, like that character - Charlie? (Timothy Roth?) -  from the movie, "Beautiful Girls" - He knows how to play a song, he knows how to make your heart melt after two beers, he knows how to kiss your lips when you're in a backseat of a car, pretending to be 16 again.

I madeout with him after the wedding. Now he is telling me he is going to pay me a visit in my new hometown. I don't really believe him, but i want to.