I went out this past Friday. I was out with my friends for a birthday party. Some guy was there. He was like a hotter version of the lead singer of Mumford and Sons. Sharp retro styled, Mad men hair cut, plaid wearing, muscular. And he had a sexy name. The first name where it could be a last name, sorta deal.
We danced all night and then made out and then realized all our friends had left us. He kept complaining that he had to catch a cab to Arlington (wtf) and asking me to come home with him. My new thing is to not sleep with a guy until I know he's fallen in love with me, so clearly that wasn't happening. He kept on complaining and I was tired and I thought about if the situation was turned around. I thought, "ya it would suck having to spend $50.00 on a cab ride." I was tired and a bit drunk and offered up my couch but was CRYSTAL CLEAR that he was sleeping on the couch.
We went back to my place, at pizza and watched Maron. I should've known he was a bad guy when he didn't know who Marc Maron was. Red Flag. And when I found out he was a TAX LOBBYIST FOR THE KOCH BROTHERS. Red Flag on Fire.
After we watch an episode, I said, "ok time for bed." I threw some pillows and a blanket on the couch and said goodnight. He looked at me and said, "Wait, you're REALLY going to make me sleep on the couch?"
"Yes. I said you could sleep on my couch. You're not sleeping in my bed. I just met you tonight, you're not sleeping in my bed."
"I can't believe you're doing this. You're so inconsiderate. You know, I'm a catch."
MY JAW DROPS. I begin laughing from astonishment. "I'm a catch!!!"
He rolls his eyes.
OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST DO THAT TO ME.
"Listen you can either sleep on my couch or take a cab. It's COUCH OR CAB."
"Well then I guess I'm taking a cab."
"I guess you are."
He slammed the door of my apartment while yelling at me. I got back in my bed, ate more pizza, snuggled under the covers watching Maron and breathed a huge sigh of relief. I'm glad I got to throw SUCH A CATCH back out to the sea of love for someone else to hook.
I get a text from him when he is in the back of the cab:
Is this your #? Thanks for everything. Such a great time @ your place. Listening to Beiber in the cab. hope 2 see ya soon.
WTF
Then i get a text the next day:
So hung over today. Let's grab a drink sometime. Nice dance moves ;-)
WTF.
OBVIOUSLY
I WOULD NEVER TEXT HIM BACK.
This is dating in DC.
This is why I will remain single until I move somewhere else.
This is why I love being single.
And this is the last time i will EVER offer a man to sleep on my couch. They'll just have to deal with the $50.00 cab rides.
Snort.
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