Connect the Dots.

Last night i went to a 90s cover band with my friends and had lots of fun. We danced to santaria and hootie and the blowfish - "i only wanna be with you". I texted the guys who asked for my number last weekend and neither of them came. One was "in Baltimore" (i don't know if that was true) and one JUST NEVER ANSWERED.

It's weird when guys ask for your number, text you saying they want to see you and then never respond to any of your texts. But I think it's just because they were bored when they initially asked you for the number and weren't actually into you. Maybe they thought they were when they were alone at a bar. Mostly though I just think that's inconsiderate dick-like behavior. But who am I to judge.

We then went to the corner bar at 1:30 am where all the black men thought i was hot and all the white men were way too young, too handsy and i had to call them out and remove them from my general dancing circle. Race had nothing to do with this, it was just the weird unexplainable thread of the night.

It was beautiful to be out with a group of girlfriends. i really liked that. There is something about drinking beers and dancing to good music with women; and you don't care if men are there or looking at you.

After the last bar i walked to my apartment with my roomie and was hungry and wanted 2:45 in the morning food. She did too. So i went to the pizza shop around the corner and got in line. While in line i see THE WHITE WHALE in the corner of my eye with his fellow photo journalist friend chatting. "FUCKKKKKK," was my first thought. The next thought was, "REALLY?  ... ... ... really...?!" Then the third thought was, "pretend he isn't here."

But of course he was an adult and mature and came over on his way out to say hello to me. Which included a European kiss on both cheeks - I'm attributing that to his suspected drunkeness. He introduced me to his friend. I was graceful and appropriate (yet again) and felt ok about that. Although I've forgiven him, I'm not ready to see him on a 3 times a month basis. I don't want to think about him anymore. It's like when you're happy that your ex is married but you don't need to look at the Facebook album of his wedding day. It's like that. We never ran into each other this much before we dated, why is it more now???

This leads me to question what the Universe is trying to tell me. Am I not getting over this fast enough? Am I being tested by the Universe to prove that I'm "really" over him? Or maybe it's not cosmic at all. Maybe it's not telling me anything. Maybe it's just the truth and that is what happens when you live 10 blocks away from a guy you used to date and abruptly crushed your hopes of a new romance in half and then threw it like dust into the garbage.

Maybe the Universe is just telling me "you gotta keep on trucking, protect your beautiful sass, and cut the assholes off the team."

I don't know what the lesson is and i most likely will not see it until next year. Things that happen in your life are like a "connect-the-dots" picture. You don't see how it all makes sense until you are done and realize that point 1-2 is the arm and 5-10 is the nose and well duh, of course it was a horse!!!! Really though I hope i don't see him anymore it sucks.

All you can do is face it.

i got a lovelorn email from the italian banker and a job offer from a school in Brazil (which i applied to in March 2013).

I said fuck off to the Italian banker. I said No thank you to the principal. 

Sometimes the best thing to do is to just stay put. It'd be fun to forget about my problems by having a torrid Roman affair or pack up all my shit and move to Brazil. But right now, I am diligently working on me. I'm learning shit I wanted to know and never wanted to know about myself. Escaping this process would result in me never getting better.

It's easy to escape and that's why so many people do it. There are so many ways to do it: addiction, lust, travel, self-loathing, food. But it never really solves the core issue (whatever that may be). All you can do is face it. It's the hardest part, but if you can do that you save yourself a lot of time, money, and pain.

It's breaking your leg so you don't have to lose it.

It's been a weird morning.

The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam

I read an article about genetic memory: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-25156510

It got me thinking about other things, like past lives.

I spoke to a close friend of mine a few weeks ago. We determined if we did in fact have past lives, we knew exactly who we were in those lives. I was an Italian Prima Donna opera singer at some point. I'm positive. Why, you may ask?

 

• i am in love with love
• i love to sing, and am quite a good singer actually
• i love theatrical drama
• i love character driven stories
• when i was in italy, it felt like a new home to me
• i am obsessed with italy in general
• i am obsessed with italians 
• i love art, art history
• i am sassy and can be a bitch if need be
• i usually have ridiculous, insane love affairs

The friend that spoke with me on the subject believed she was an ex-groupie from California in the 1960s.



She said she didn't fear life struggles as much, because she knew she had lived life once before, her past life.
"Don't you get that feeling, like, 'Well, it worked out before so it's going to all be fine again.' "

I think i can relate to that. Also -
isn't it odd when you get an "at home" feeling in a brand new place, like you have been there before or are from there?

And what about when you meet someone, and feel as though you know them, even after only speaking with them for a short time. I'm convinced at least two of my past lovers I have known in a previous lifetime. Stuff that I felt and things that happened between us were just too coincidental to ignore.

Isn't it in the Disney movie, "Sleeping Beauty" that illustrates this concept of love so well?

I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream.
I know you
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yes, I know it's true
that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once upon a dream

The opposite could happen as well. Predetermining your taste for a place or person due to an uneasy feeling or energy you sense from them.

This unexplained comfort/discomfort could just "be" the way it is. But the Cosmos seem so deep and mysterious, I think there is something to the concept of past lives, past journeys, a past experience we are not fully conscious of.

Tag you're it.

Me and the white whale just talked on the phone for 30 minutes. I could barely breathe on the phone because he sounds so sexy......and i already know i laughed too much, failing to maintain any mystery. He gives me butterflies and it's so embarrassing. And i don't even think he thinks what I think. He probably just thinks i think of him as a friend.

He wants to become running buddies and drink beers. He wants to be friends? I don't know. I don't really care.

But when i got off the phone - this is what i did [WATCH AT 4:25 OF THIS YOUTUBE VIDEO].

And that's how i know if i have a crush on a sexy ass man. 

Being Your Own Best Friend

“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg

“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg

We are far too hard on ourselves. And not only the own voices inside our head, but the media that implants little nasty ones as well.

I've realized this week i need to remember to be kinder to myself. If I said the the things i say to myself to a friend, that friend would probably think i was a big B-I-T-C-H.

It was my first time back at yoga since my bike accident tonight. My left side is bothersome, but I can finally do downward dog and arm stands again. Or so i thought. I couldn't even get up to the wall!

And from that discouragement I spiraled into thinking everything about me was horrible. i think i may have shed a tear during Savasana.

But after the class, the teacher came up to me and said it was nice to meet me. i told her i hadn't been in since the accident and that i couldn't do any of the moves-

and she interrupted me right there and said, "no, no. Stop right now, that does not matter. it's not about the moves." and then she had a big smile on her face and i felt a little better.

my room is messy sometimes. and sometimes i don't forget about men as fast as i'd like to. i let them linger like favorite songs and poems. sometimes i stay on pinterest for a whole hour or leave all my clothes on the floor after i wash them, instead of folding them in neat piles. and sometimes i eat mac n cheese for dinner that's not organic.

but i need to remember to just forget about all that shit cause i need to be nicer to myself and see all the good things and encourage them and not dwell on when i fall short.

i'm actually pretty good at being alone and surviving that way. i've never lived w/ a man who was my lover and i no longer live with parents. so in that sense i feel confident. but loving the person i am with alone is a whole different thing i always need more work on. why is it so easy to listen to the bad shit?

i am reminded of the wise words of the poet-prophet, singer-writer, the myth, the legend, Leonard Cohen:

You'll never guess

Ok. So now i am seriously thinking the Universe has moved beyond playing pranks on me and is actually trying to tell me something significant. cuz nothing makes sense anymore!

You'll never guess who emailed me to mention "that we should hang out and catch up soon - and did i see you walking down the street last week?" And yet i then saw him today running with his lady friend of last Sunday??? I don't even know if he's single. Does he really JUST want to be friends. He's just too sexy for me to do that with him.

The WHITE WHALE, the RPJ, returns and i really wanna know the beginning of this story, or the end of it.

if anything does happen and Ahab finally catches the White Whale, you'll be the first to know about it, dear reader.

like i said. BIG if.

i really think he's just playing tag with me, adult style.