breakthrough.

For the first time in a LONG time, i felt whole. I felt that everything I needed, I had. I wasn't wanting anything, I wasn't missing anything; I felt truly complete. It happened at yoga last night and it was a personal highlight for me this year.  I was in the half moon pose!!!

i have been getting signs lately. and it's getting me really excited. I can hear my intuition clearly now and I'm confident it's leading somewhere magical. for awhile there, I couldn't hear it at all and didn't know what to do. I was feeling shame, guilt, and apologizing for no reason.

my future goals are more visible now, but i am also trying to live in the present. it's a balancing act that only gets better with practice. that's what I've learned these past few months.

ALSO can i just say, "The Four Agreements" has been an amazing read these past few months. It may seem at first like hippe bullshit, but it is a book which has reminded me about things that are key to have in finding personal acceptance, contentment, confidence. 

i am.

once I had a fabulous yoga teacher make us do this exercise:

we sat with our legs crossed, our palms lying face up, resting on our knees.
She had us think of the phrase "i am ____" and told us to fill in the blank as we sat in silence. Thinking of all the things we are.

I am a sister
I am a daughter
I am a friend
I am tired
I am mad
I am happy
I am good
I am bad
I am [professional job]

After we recited some of these phrases in our heads, the yoga instructor said, "Now repeat only, 'I am.' "

I am.
I am.
I am.

The short phrase was so much easier to say. I felt free, limitless, full of possibilities and best of all, zen.
The short phrase is the true one.

Being Your Own Best Friend

“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg

“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg

We are far too hard on ourselves. And not only the own voices inside our head, but the media that implants little nasty ones as well.

I've realized this week i need to remember to be kinder to myself. If I said the the things i say to myself to a friend, that friend would probably think i was a big B-I-T-C-H.

It was my first time back at yoga since my bike accident tonight. My left side is bothersome, but I can finally do downward dog and arm stands again. Or so i thought. I couldn't even get up to the wall!

And from that discouragement I spiraled into thinking everything about me was horrible. i think i may have shed a tear during Savasana.

But after the class, the teacher came up to me and said it was nice to meet me. i told her i hadn't been in since the accident and that i couldn't do any of the moves-

and she interrupted me right there and said, "no, no. Stop right now, that does not matter. it's not about the moves." and then she had a big smile on her face and i felt a little better.

my room is messy sometimes. and sometimes i don't forget about men as fast as i'd like to. i let them linger like favorite songs and poems. sometimes i stay on pinterest for a whole hour or leave all my clothes on the floor after i wash them, instead of folding them in neat piles. and sometimes i eat mac n cheese for dinner that's not organic.

but i need to remember to just forget about all that shit cause i need to be nicer to myself and see all the good things and encourage them and not dwell on when i fall short.

i'm actually pretty good at being alone and surviving that way. i've never lived w/ a man who was my lover and i no longer live with parents. so in that sense i feel confident. but loving the person i am with alone is a whole different thing i always need more work on. why is it so easy to listen to the bad shit?

i am reminded of the wise words of the poet-prophet, singer-writer, the myth, the legend, Leonard Cohen:

Yoga for Dates

Last Tuesday I went to yoga, then I went to one of my favorite hood bars. Then i got asked out on a date.

Last Thursday I went to yoga, then I went to one of my favorite hood bars. Then i got asked out on a date.

I had no makeup on either time and may have been sweaty smelling. 

I guess yoga gives me a crazy-blissed out face which the opposite sex likes. Also, my theory i am probably happier, not stressed, and more open to my outside surroundings after my practice. 

It's all about yoga and beer i guess. 

Back to Yoga

I've been getting back into yoga lately and it is once again giving me anything i was missing. I'm going about three times a week. like running, yoga is a challenge and when i'm done i'm drunk off endorphins. but the one thing that yoga has that running does not is Savasana. and that is a divine cool down of a thing to have after such a zen performance.