We are so lucky that we have so many freedoms and choices as women today. Of course, not ALL is well - look at the American South's systematic scaling back of women's health clinics. BUT we are able to choose any lifestyle we want, which many women in this world cannot say. I am grateful for this.
i stayed in a different city this weekend. all the girls who walked the streets had tired dyed blonde hair, dark brown roots, matte red lips that cradled a cigarette. All of them wore leather jackets or fur but no puffy sleeping bag ones. such as myself.
Me and my friend watched couples on Friday night, Valentine's day, making out on the street between 2-4 am. We were in a bar, seated by a window that overlooked the avenue. After seeing the first couple macking face, we started betting if the couples would go home in the cab together or take separate cabs. It was fun to watch these little soap operas from afar, displaced enough outside the chaos to enjoy the stormy romance without the consequences.
My big purchase of the weekend was my signature perfume. I've realized every sophisticated woman has a signature scent and i want one. It's something I always thought as a rite of passage of sorts for a grown woman so i took the plunge. I bought a REALLY expensive french perfume. It says this on the back of the bottle:
“A woman of such intimidating beauty and sparkling vitality gained the adoration of everyone around her. However, no one knew what she had been through. With her wild spirit, she was tough, stronger than metal, and never looked back. When she met him, for the first time in her life, she could stand still. She may have found the absolu man.”
This is what's in it:
Top notes :
tangerine from Italy, pink pepper from China, blackcurrant from Burgundy
Heart notes :
violet leaves from Grasse, iris Pallida from Tuscany, mimosa from Grasse
Base notes :
patchouli from Indonesia, white amber, tonka bean from Brazil
Stop hiding your greatness and embrace it, you are truly important and worth thriving.
The fact that you were born proves you were meant to be here, meant for something important. Stop doubting yourself and live the life you want to. Thrive and be happy and everything else will magically come together.
"You cannot get sick enough to help sick people get better. You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive. It is only in your thriving that you have anything to offer anyone. If you're wanting to be of an advantage to others, be as tapped in, turned in, turned on as you can possibly be."
- Esther Abraham-Hicks
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
- Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles (See note below about Nelson Mandela)
my favorite sort of night is when you have a glass of wine while putting your makeup on. but not too much wine, because you don't want to put on too much makeup.
you go out to your favorite bar. with your friends. and then other people show up that you don't know and you exchange names. everyone is friendly and talks and gets along.
everyone likes hearing what you choose to play on the jukebox. everyone likes motown so you play motown. everyone likes Sam Cooke.
you continue on with beer because that's what you started with, or you move on to whiskey. and moving onto whiskey is usually always a bad idea, but you chose to do so anyway. you are little older now, so you know to sip it and it won't be as bad as you know it could be.
everyone gets sick of the first bar and you go to another bar. the second bar is never as good as the first one, but you needed to leave the first bar. right now you couldn't say why you did if anyone asked you.
someone is restless like you and invited everyone back to there place. it is not yet 12am but everyone still wants to go back to someone's place. some of you go and some of you take cabs home together to make love, and some of you go home alone to watch a movie, eat drunkenly and bitch.
you go back to the house, because you are restless and still want to meet all these people and talk about their lives and talk about how they see the world. this all sounds better while holding a glass of wine. you sip that too though, because you want to enjoy every sip, every word that is coming out of this new person's lips.
the lights are lower in the room you all sit in. slowly, everyone goes off to bed, except for you and an attractive man. you stay up and talk. you exchange stories, know where he is from, what he did in high school with his friends - however nerdy, although you don't find it nerdy you find it endearing - who he is or who he is not in love with, his favorite drink, what he likes about women, what he hates about women.
he is fascinated by you and everything you say and you can tell he wants to kiss you. but you both don't do that because all this connection is too comfortable to mess up this late at night. so you fall asleep on the couch and the next morning you walk home and you see him in a month and you feel like he forgot about all of it, but you look at him like you didn't.
I will be causing a ruckus in our fair city this weekend and it pleases me to no end.
Upon getting ready tonight i will be listening to this song full
blast. No, i do not agree with the blatant misogyny the song is founded
on, but i love that GD tune!!!
tonight I am attending a city photography organization's annual photo week launch party complete with music, OPEN bar, and art ART AND MORE ART. i got the ticket for free, valued at $60.00 :)
Music, booze, and art. My personal paradise.
The only BAD thing that could happen would be if the WHITE WHALE showed up. It is his crowd's sort of thing. But I'm sure he's too jaded by such imbibing and fuss over art he's already seen. We'll see. I can't say i wouldn't be GIDDY AS A SCHOOLGIRL if he was there to see me in my tight little black dress.
I was also invited by my gypsy jazz guitar playing neighbor to a belated-themed-Halloween bash. Of course I could not refuse the offer. boys & booze at that one.
Saturday welcomes a DJ that only plays soul 45s at a local bar/resto in my hood. I don't even have to travel to get my groove on. VERY excited to dance to Hipster's avenue. I actually had a DREAM last night i was dancing to this very song and everyone was looking at me with shame and embarrassment and i couldn't figure out why. Was this a prophetic apparition? Only time will tell.
Sunday morning i am going to a exercise class and then brunch. W/ Levo League gals! I've discovered my new haremmmmmm.
Sunday night i am going to see JAMES BLAKE!!!!!!
He actually does have the voice of an angel. and the vices too.
Last night I had the pleasure of attending a "Levo League" happy hour in DC.
Levo League is a social good startup designed to elevate young women in
the workforce by providing the career resources needed to achieve
personal and professional success.
If you check the online community, you can see there are numerous chapters across the country, offering networks to find other women in the same career stage.
As a young woman, I feel belonging to this group will help a great deal in navigating my career. It is a fun way to ask others for advice, or learn what they are doing in their careers. As a young woman at my first professional job, it's nice to have the support of strong, independent women in the same place as myself, and women who have already gained years of experience in my network.
At last night's happy hour I met some wonderful people. Two of them gave me a VIP PASS to FotoDC's 6th annual photo week launch party!!! I'm obsessed with photography so this is something I did not expect and am soooo looking forward to attending this weekend w/ these new gfs! :)
Last night was a reminder to put yourself out there, meet new people. Having many different networks and social circles can enrich your life in many ways.
“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg
“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg
We are far too hard on ourselves. And not only the own voices inside our head, but the media that implants little nasty ones as well.
I've realized this week i need to remember to be kinder to myself. If I said the the things i say to myself to a friend, that friend would probably think i was a big B-I-T-C-H.
It was my first time back at yoga since my bike accident tonight. My left side is bothersome, but I can finally do downward dog and arm stands again. Or so i thought. I couldn't even get up to the wall!
And from that discouragement I spiraled into thinking everything about me was horrible. i think i may have shed a tear during Savasana.
But after the class, the teacher came up to me and said it was nice to meet me. i told her i hadn't been in since the accident and that i couldn't do any of the moves-
and she interrupted me right there and said, "no, no. Stop right now, that does not matter. it's not about the moves." and then she had a big smile on her face and i felt a little better.
my room is messy sometimes. and sometimes i don't forget about men as fast as i'd like to. i let them linger like favorite songs and poems. sometimes i stay on pinterest for a whole hour or leave all my clothes on the floor after i wash them, instead of folding them in neat piles. and sometimes i eat mac n cheese for dinner that's not organic.
but i need to remember to just forget about all that shit cause i need to be nicer to myself and see all the good things and encourage them and not dwell on when i fall short.
i'm actually pretty good at being alone and surviving that way. i've never lived w/ a man who was my lover and i no longer live with parents. so in that sense i feel confident. but loving the person i am with alone is a whole different thing i always need more work on. why is it so easy to listen to the bad shit?
i am reminded of the wise words of the poet-prophet, singer-writer, the myth, the legend, Leonard Cohen:
I finished a project management seminar my company sent me to for two days today. It was at a hotel in downtown DC so i got to pretend I was Mary Tyler Moore in the morning business crowds. No hat to toss though. Can't stand the hat hair. I settled on wearing tights and a skirt from Banana Republic.
I learned a whole lot. I was reminded of the Work Breakdown System (WBS) I studied for a semester in my masters program. The seminar leader said many good sentences that related not only to project management but also real life. One that resonated with me was:
"I cannot reach perfection but I can reach excellence," shown bright on his power point.
He also said procrastinators tend to be perfectionists.
Obviously, he was talking about me. I had no idea it was common knowledge that both traits typically resided as a pair, but now, suddenly, everything makes a whole lot more sense.
Besides my basic personality trapping me into a nasty perfectionism habit, I believe growing up as an American Woman is a big part to deal with it as well.
I feel as an American we emphasize competition, being the best, being "special", standing higher than the "average" crowd. There has always been a pressure to be "the best" - and sometimes one can equate this need to be the best with being "perfect."
Besides this American ideal of being an independent, self reliant being at all times, throw the WOMAN factor in there:
As a woman in America there is a tremendous pressure to be all the things everyone in your life needs you to be. You must be the "perfect" mother, daughter, sister, lover, employee, artist, mother goddess, yogi....the list can go on as long as you think it can.
The media perpetuates these two beliefs through ads. I found a recent article in the Atlantic to be really disturbing regarding how advertisers try to market to women when they "feel their most ugly." This graphic below is from that article.
SO THAT'S PRETTY MESSED UP.
The fact that the media is targeting women, and trying to feed off our already deflated esteem is pretty sick.
We must strive for excellence - not perfection - in order to stop these daily assaults our self-worth experiences.
I'm going to add this idea to my daily practice. Instead of perfection, I'm going to seek excellence. I'd rather chase after something I know I may eventually be able to catch.
It reminds me again of one of my favorite Mary Oliver poems:
You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -- over and over announcing your place in the family of things.
Saturday night my friend asked me to go to a DC comedy showcase with her. I had nothing to do after i came back from the exhibit and i thought, "well sure, what the hell i have nothing else going on."
She told her friend J that i was coming with. WELL J is friends with the LAWYER. the lawyer that took me to Le Diplomat - the lawyers that took me on a bunch of awesome dates and reminds me of the comedian Louie CK - for vague reasons - the lawyer i wanted to see more of..sorta. And this LAWYER was going to the comedy show as well.
My roomie texted J to tell him i was coming. He responded with, "um no. don't bring her." So I guess J didn't want me to go, due to his friend not liking me. The lawyer hasn't spoken to me in 3 weeks and dropped off the face of the earth. It sucks, but it's ok.
Here's my issue with this situation. Situation: When you go on multiple dates with a man and nothing is wrong and you have fun and that man you went on the dates with suddenly drops off of the face of the planet.
I'd much prefer that instead of you DROPPING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH, to tell me in person/via text that you want to be friends instead. EVEN IF YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS, at least humor me and tell me in person, "you'd rather be friends". If you tell me "i want to be friends" i will take it as you are no longer interested in seeing me," not as "we are friends." i'm not stupid and i know code words and phrases just like you do b/c i have used them before as well. Idiot.
This way, i do not have to have you in the maybe category. i can have you in the NO category. i can give my attention to the other men i am dating and stop wasting a thought on you.
I realize why you don't want to tell me and would rather DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH than do so. I realize you want to have the easy way out. You think that if you never say anything it's better than possibly hurting my feelings. you think i will forget about you OR you think if you never CLEARLY break it off, at some point you can call me again months later and i will respond with wanting to fuck you. SOMEHOW THIS MAKES SENSE IN YOUR MIND.
#1 - if you never clearly break it off, i'm MORE likely to remember it, and MORE LIKELY to be MORE UPSET WITH YOU - not forget it. It's decent to tell me you're not interested. I realize it's hard BUT PUT YOUR BIG BOY PANTS ON AND COMMUNICATE. TELL ME THE TRUTH. i promise it is better than letting me just be irrationally mad at you. if you told me, I'd know it was because you were not attracted to me - physically, intellectually, ___________ly.
#2 - if you think that I'm going to WANT TO FUCK YOU after you avoiding me for several months like i have the bubonic plague THEN YOU ARE AN IDIOT and need to not ever meet another woman again, in order to spare future generations of carrying on your stupidity in their genetic make-up.
So since i was DIS-INVITED to the comedy show b/c this LAWYER could not gather the balls to simply text or tell me in person he was no longer interested in me - I went to my friends' M & B's house and watched the Red Wings game. It was very fun. We won! And then i went to a Bocce Ball bar w/ my cousin and his friends - which was drunk and good and what i wanted to do that this Saturday night.
At this point if LAWYER contacts me it would just be pointless, so i don't really care now. I'm fine with the idea that he's "just not that into me." I just wish men were more able to eloquently express their feelings. It's totally cool if you don't dig me. Just don't DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH or give me silent treatment. It just makes me feel shittier than if you would've told the truth in the first place.
Today i went to the National Geographic Museum for the first time.
I saw the exhibition, "Women of Vision" - it's an awe-inspiring look into the experience and work of women photojournalists on assignment from National Geographic. What a life to lead!
The exhibit focused on how the photographers relate to the people or places they observe and photograph, and how they tell other people's stories with genuine dignity and loyalty to being honest - regardless of their personal point of views.
I've worked with photos for six years now professionally, but my new year's goal is to purchase a "fancy camera" and sign up for a class. I think photography may be something I could enjoy and might even be good at. I think it's calling me and i need to explore that siren.
The photographers featured in the exhibit are doing AMAZING, jaw-dropping work. They are speaking up for the silenced and sharing the experience of people in the "non-western" world. Which is a good portion of this world!
Another reason why i think i might like photography is it gives me a legitimate excuse to go to foreign places. "i gotta take pictures of the place," i will say.
In the recent days, I've noticed many posts on my facebook relate to weddings and babies. and that's all fine. There are different stages we go through in our life and when we are happy about those stages we want to celebrate and share them with others.
My issues with this is when it becomes a carefully curated thing, losing all genuineness and sincerity - it's more about what others see than what you see or how you feel about it [loving relationships]. Because in the scenarios I'm about to mention, you're seeking approval from the world, not your own self or your partner.
I've been seeing a new trend in wedding videography where people HAVE TRAILERSfor their wedding video. What is this? Besides your family and close friends who will be buying this? What is the purpose of sharing intimate moments ("first look", walk down the aisle, notes from each other, vows) to every person on the internet, including people who do not know you?
I feel like weddings and private celebrations have become sick opportunities to "out-do" your peers, show-off. Prove or perhaps create a life you don't actually lead. What does it matter what strangers think of your private life?
What happened to proposals being a private affair between two people who are madly in love? I know see proposal videos everywhere - extravagant, choreographed flash mobs??? What has society become. Nothing is sacred I guess. We are not celebrities. We are not significant public figures. We are people living our lives.
Another thing I've seen is posts about newlyweds cooking for their husbands - IN PICTURES WITH APRONS ON. I understand your excitement. But you have been raised in a post-Women's movement generation. You're essentially back-pedaling when you post patriarchal, old school photos of you "cookin' for your man." It's great you are a loving partner. But where are his pictures of himself in AN APRON COOKING FOR YOU? or does he just sit and watch football and drink beers while you slave in the kitchen? BECAUSE IF SO, THAT'S BULLSHIT. You love your husband and your life - but why not show that in a non-misogynistic way? Gardening together, out together? These things put you on even levels not in a demeaning, old-school social realm that needs to die off. You are re-enforcing a very bad stereotype.
Or perhaps, if you do get joy out of that why do you want to show that on FB? Why would others who are not you or your husband care or be happy about that happening? If you do that does that mean you have a perfect marriage and are a "good" partner?
I guess if it is important for you for people to know every moment in your life and approve of the way you live your life, that's fine. Whatever floats your boat. I just think the constant commodification of love is really disgusting to me as an outsider and I feel it takes away a lot of the private mysteries you share as a couple.
It seems with my generation everyone needs to know everything about you and "if there are no pictures it didn't happen."
I think that is a horrible way to live one's life. It also feeds into some sort of self-entitlement or ego problem you need to get rid of. The ego can be a very ugly, ugly thing if fed too often.
OMG. work was very stressful today. I love my work place but so many projects on my plate!!! And next week is a big event so everyone is planning and making last minute projects happen...which i am involved in. besides all my other deadlines, i've added these.
i am very excited to write an article in a magazine. i was given the chance by an editor at my work. so i'm excited to promote what i do and explain why it's important.
i'm also proposing a presentation for a conference.
i find it stressful sometimes to keep up on all the cutting edge knowledge in my field. i guess conferences can help with this, but i really need to start reading more journals on a regular basis, like when i was in grad school. i think that would help me feel more in the know.
i also need to stop comparing myself to others. it's a nasty habit that has been popping up in my mind lately. i am WAY too hard on myself. it's good b/c i feel like i get A LOT of shit accomplished, but on the downside, you cannot be perfect, nor can you be "superwoman" - which i feel our society instructs us to do every other moment.
i'm also WAY too addicted to social media networks. my fb is a time suck and i'd love to eliminate it from my life. i really love seeing my friends who live far away and what they are up to via fb. i don't think i'd have time to call ALL of them weekly. so i basically just need to keep it, but DRASTICALLY limit the time i spend on it. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Still creative writing. Have not even thought of turning it in for publication yet. not even there yet. But it's nice to take it more seriously. In my sad moments i just think of RAYMOND CARVER.
I want to take a photography class so i can learn how pictures are properly taken, the art of it. i've worked with photos for 6 years now and have no real training in that aspect of the medium. but i know how to legal deal with them and archive them and preserve them-------YAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Come a rain storm put your rubbers on your feet
Comes a snow storm you can get a little heat
Comes love nothing can be done
Comes a fire then you know just what to do
Blow a tire You can buy another shoe
Comes love nothing can be done
Don’t try hidin?
'Cause there isn’t any use
You’ll start slidin?
When your heart turns on the juice
Comes a headache you can lose it in a day
Comes a toothache see the dentist right away
Comes love nothing can be done!
Comes a heat wave you can hurry to the shore
Comes a summons you can hide behind the door
Comes love Nothing can be done
Comes the measles you can quarantine the room
Comes a mousie you can chase it with a broom
Comes love nothing can be done
That’s all brother
If you’ve ever been in love
That’s all brother
You know what I’m speaking of!
Comes a nightmare you can always stay awake
Comes depression you may get another break
Comes love nothing can be done!
WC's world came crashing down today and unfortunately i got to be "apart" of it.
I
was solicited to speak to WC via fb chat and it turns out it wasn't
really WC, it was his 7 year live-in gf? i was messaging with this live-in gf. She messaged me seconds later to
tell me it was her, how i ruined her life, blah blah blah.
although i do feel bad, i have to believe i was not the reason, but a factor in the demise.
i can tell you i have learned i will NEVER ever ever EVER flirt with an attached man.
woooo! what a doozy.
can
you imagine if this involved a wife and children? i used to say i drew
the line at wife and children, but because of this major fiasco, I'm
revising that to "no significant others" PERIOD.
it's made me think twice about kissing anyone.
Love is so much more powerful than I once thought.
All the boys want to kiss you when they're leaving, but i guess they want to kiss you when you make a grand entrance too. Fleeting in either case.
The hawt ginge bartender has asked me out.
The RPJ responded to my three month old email with an obscure, short email and a Linked-in request?
A boy from the west coast has checked up on me as he occasionally does, although i wish he called me.
A boy who is in love with a blonded-haired southern belle keeps texting me, yet desperately avoiding any contact and i do not know why - since my crush on him faded three months after kissing him on a sweaty September Texas night - therefore i no longer want to jump his bones, but i guess he thinks i do? oh men.
I have a date this week Wed (Hot Canadian Man Whore), Thursday (Wonderful Guy), Sun (Hawt Ginge Bar tender).
Friday and Saturday are to myself. But i am going to try to avoid meeting anymore boys, b/c right now it is at 5 (Lawyer and John Mayer were not mentioned this week) and it is beginning to become difficult to keep straight.
I guess this is a lesson in balance? also there is such a thing as too much attention.
One of my BEST friends Jessica came to visit me in DC for the long weekend. We did SO much in the short time she was here!! Holy Moly.
A quick run down:
Friday: I brought Jes to Ping Pong Dim Sum. My favorite Dim Dum place in D.C. thus far. I'm sure there is a more authentic, cheaper place, but this place never fails to delight my senses. With the flavors, textures and beautiful presentation it's always a delectable time.
After Dim Sum we walked around, looking at the monuments at night.
Then, we headed over to my corner bar. The bar manager who has seen me there before bought me and Jes TWO rounds then asked me on a date. He seems to be a playa, and when i quipped this to him he said, "i truly do find you absolutely stunning." - oh my. ALSO - mind you this is the same bar i have gotten two dates at previously after going there in yoga clothes, no makeup. I'm CONVINCED this bar like releases pheromones in my body or something. CRAY-CRAY.
Saturday: We woke up, got breakfast at a cute french bakery next to Eastern Market, then went to Eastern Market. I bought a pack of organic lavender products a lady made and was selling and Jes got a stellar jade ring that matched her sea-foam green nail polish. Then we went to the American History museum - saw Julia Child's kitchen, the ORIGINAL star spangled banner (like the one the song was written about, AKA the one Francis Scott Key saw as he watched the battle), and Dorothy's red slippers.We then went to the Natural History Museum and after traipsing around we saw the Hope diamond and an IMAX film in which they played this song:
The film was "Ultimate Wave" with Kelly Slater surfing the ultimate wave in Tahiti.
Later that night we went to Alexandria for Eamonn's Chippery and PX Lounge Cocktail drinks. PX Lounge feels like an old Speakeasy. Kinda like being in "Midnight in Paris."
Sunday: We had brunch, walked ALL over Georgetown, went to Madam's Organ, danced to an amazing Blues band (Stacey Brooks) and sang some Karaoke.
Monday: We went to the National Portrait gallery and then went to Teaism for really good zen food.
