Once again

http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episodes/episode_571_-_jimmy_dore

65 minutes to 75 minutes is pretty much what I've been coming to grips with since Jan 2014. 

Goals and achievements, what is the point, how do you fill the empty hole within you if you can never achieve enough. You can only gain approval from yourself. 

It's amazing how we all feel the same sticky situations in this life, even though these two comics are way older than me and dudes.

well that was silly.

OK so Marc Maron - Aidan Shaw hybrid poked me AND accepted my Friends request .

So that last post meant nothing.

This morning i made eggs and coffee and watch "broad city." i cleared my schedule today so i could just be. It's a nice and rare feeling when all you need to do in a day is putz around; write, clean, read, nibble on food. tonight i am going to a concert with friends. :)

I am young and free and life is good.

JUST A POKE.

I poked a man on FB who is a hybrid of Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw.

Body of Shaw:



FACE of MARON:








 THINK ABOUT THAT ONE FOR A MOMENT.


I got no response FROM MY POKE and so I sent him a Facebook friend request. A LAST ATTEMPT.

I Facebook messaged two of my close male friends to ask before doing this. They assured me I had "nothing to lose."

So I did and now I feel stupid. That was stupid. The whole thing was stupid but now we'll be facebook friends. Cuz I think if he wanted to be my friend he would've asked right? Right? I just don't know. MEN ARE SO CONFUSING. there is a game and I don't know any of the rules and the rules change with every person.

Also i'm doing it in reverse since I already took the car for a test drive. Goddamn it. I just like men and affection so much. I can only go for so long w/out it!!!

But ultimately we should just remain FB friends since I am far too young for him and I need to stop my track record of dating old men. But if you keep on doing something does it mean it's bad or is it just what you like?!!?!?!?!?!?

Tonight I am going to an all women's comedy showcase, then eating a fixed price menu at a fancy restaurant w/ my friend from Portland. I'M EXCITEDDDDDDD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, I'm looking for a part time job until I find a job that pays me more. Yep. that's how sure I am that a negotiation would go NOWHERE.  i feel like a failure. I have a masters and no money. BUT i love my job so much and do not regret getting my degree.

I gotta make a dent in these student loans!!! Also, it doesn't help that I live in one of the most expensive cities in the USA. But I LOVE THIS CITY SO MUCH!!!! alas.



THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE.

pizzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

GEORGE GLASS!!!

life is about not knowing

Keillor on Writing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADQO0aO_uSc

Amazing writer advice from Garrison Keillor:

Writing is NOT about Narcissism.

A love like that!!!

Although I found Amal Clooney's nuanced elegance and condensation a bit much, the speech George gave that mentioned his LOVE for her made me WEAK IN THE KNEES. 

“I’ve had a pretty good year myself,” he said. “Listen: It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love—even better when you’ve been waiting your whole life. And when your whole life is 53 years, Amal, whatever alchemy it is that brought us together, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.”







 SEE HIM GUSH the speech HERE:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTnVjHCcEn0

http://www.businessinsider.com/george-clooney-golden-globes-acceptance-speech-2015-1


WOWZA. Dear Jesus I hope someday some handsome, intelligent, fascinating man thinks this about me. Until then, I'm loving myself the best I can!!!

It was ... odd.

I had yet another extremely vivid, long dream about dating Marc Maron last night. The beginning of the date was good. We spent sunny days eating and drinking and hiking in CALIFORNIA? 

I brought him home to my parents and family and no one understood and kept telling me he was too old and then we got in fights and then my mom questioned how many men I had slept with in my lifetime.

It was ... odd.

I woke up feeling ashamed yet extremely in love and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm blaming this on the Catholic Guilt that I'll never rid myself of.

I hope if I ever do date an old man my family will understand. Seeing as though the majority of my boyfriends have been 5-15 years older than me, I do not see that changing soon. Although my recent NYE disaster was younger than me.

It would be really difficult for me to love someone if my family hated them. Is that ok? I feel like if you love someone, you'd be able to be ok w/ your family not liking them. But how much is worth having fights with your family?

LUCKILY, none of these things are my problem.

Just my dream's problem.

fox trot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJtgrJVcr7M

put the blame on mame.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3uzB-q0jsU

put the blame on mame.

It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.

 

this year's to do list

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/12/52-fun-things-for-2015-try-a-new-one-each-week/

 

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something.” ~ Neil Gaiman

Rather than the traditional resolution list of fad diets, breaking habits and promises that usually gets broken, I decided to create a list of new things to try—things that can be crossed off (or added to) as the year goes on. There’s one for each week of the year—most are free and all are easily achievable!

1. Write a handwritten note and post it to someone you haven’t been in touch with for a while.
2. Make someone a Birthday or celebration cake.
3. Volunteer for the day, a local dog shelter, home for the elderly or at a soup kitchen for the homeless.
4. Take a bus or train to a town, village or city that you’ve never visited. Just go to the station and get on the next one that comes in.
5. Learn meditation, yoga, Pilates or something new that you’ve never tried.
6. Make a scrapbook, print out photographs, emails and attach keepsakes.
7. Go to an outdoor weekend music festival. And sleep under the stars.
8. Learn to play a musical instrument.
9. Spend a whole day in bed watching movies, reading books and snuggling with a loved one.
10. Look up your family tree and find out what you can learn about your ancestors.
11. Sign up for a local community class, learn something new and meet other people who live in your area at the same time.

12. Forgive someone who has hurt you. And maybe let them know.

13. Plant seeds and grow something in a window box or the garden. If possible start a small vegetable garden.
14. Compliment a stranger, it will possibly make their day.
15. Read an old classic. Choose one that’s always caught your attention and be patient if you don’t get into it straight away.
16. Start your own or join a book club.
17. Go to a museum, the cinema or a restaurant alone. Enjoy your own company.
18. Bake cookies and share them at work, when visiting friends or give them to a neighbour that may be on their own.
19. Make your own birthday, anniversary, valentines or celebration cards.
20. Go mountain climbing, hiking, or a long forest walk.
21. Eat lunch outdoors, pack a picnic in a hamper, sit by a lake, the sea, go to a local park or lay out a blanket in the garden.
22. Roller skate. Hire or buy a pair and have fun while toning up.
23. Let someone else order for you in a restaurant. Or cook something you would never normally try.
24. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while and make plans to visit.
25. For a period of time, a week, a month or all year, only shop locally. Purchase free-range, ethical and fair-trade goods, buy from independent retailers, at farmer’s markets and give handcrafted creations as presents.
26. Invent your own cocktail, purchase your favourite ingredients and try out something new. Adorn it with umbrellas, fancy stirrers and edible glitter.
27. Play a board game with friends or family. Scrabble, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit sadly get forgotten due to technology. They are timeless classics and a great way to spend quality time together.
28. Swap the car for a bike for the day. So much more can be absorbed when cycling, plus it’s great exercise.
29. Attend an open mic night. Great entertainment and can be the perfect way to meet new people too.
30. Donate to charity, whether it’s clothes you no longer wear, blankets to the local dog shelter or a sack of carrots to donkeys in India. There are charities everywhere grateful for anything. Even if it’s a $1 donation—it all helps.
31. Make homemade bread. It’s very simple and completely delicious.
32. Switch off all phones, laptops and technology devices. Find different ways to communicate with those close to us and spend quality time with yourself or with others.
33. Have a major clear out. De-clutter, if it’s not pretty, useful or it hasn’t been used in the last 6 months, be ruthless, let it go.
34. Write out a will, a little morbid to think about but it will give you great peace of mind.
35. Take all old books and magazines to a local waiting room, for others to read. Write a note in the front of a book and leave in a public place for others to take on and enjoy and then they can do the same when they’ve finished.
36. Take your camera with you for a whole day and capture everything and anything that takes your interest.
37. Attend a food or wine tasting festival. Most cities hold these events and they are usually free to attend and a great way to try new tastes.
38. Hold a mini movie festival at home. Invite your best friends, tell them to bring a movie they love and spend a whole afternoon and evening together curled up chatting, eating and drinking and sharing old favourites.
39. Organise a clean up with neighbours. Choose a particular hot spot that has turned into an eyesore and get a few people involved to help out. It won’t take long, will be enjoyable working together and you’ll be amazed at the difference a few hours teamwork can make.
40. Get a few friends together and take a ball to the park. Play soccer, rounders, cricket or basketball and ask everyone to bring something to add to a small outdoor snack/picnic afterwards.
41. Make your own soup—nothing tastes better. Especially if you add your homemade bread.
42. Learn a new language, especially if it’s of a country you plan to visit.
43. Go for a swim (if you don’t already.) Or try a brand new water-based activity, water/jet skiing, surfing, canoeing, sailing, kayaking.
44. Skip! It’s free, burns a heap of calories and can be done anywhere.
45. Take a road trip—pack a few necessities, take a map and set out on adventure with no set destination. Explore and investigate different places along the way.
46. Camp out—choose a time when the weather is good, take a barbeque set and sleeping bags and a portable radio. Relax with nature and leave all technology behind.
47. Read the community newsletter or noticeboards. Find out what’s going on locally and get involved in a new activity.
48. Try a new look—choose a new hairstyle or try wearing clothes that you like but wouldn’t normally wear.

49. Write a list of everything we appreciate. Sometimes things can go unnoticed and it’s a great way of becoming more aware and then passing on the gratitude.

50. Watch a sunset, sunrise or both. Find a spot with a good view and settle down with a friend or loved one and enjoy.
51. Write down your life plan. It doesn’t have to be specific, or even achievable. Just a guide for all the things you would like to do and then you can tick and cross off the ones that you want to work towards.
52. Take time out to let those around you know they are loved. Call up, write letters, visit and send the message out strong and clear to those that are most important to you.