It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.

 

my backside is famous

http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5562/14188220013_8f626c2408_o.jpg





my backside was featured on BYT today.

clearly i'm infamous. OBVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.

blahhhhhh.

sleepwalking

i went to a house party last night. i met a HOT jewish montreal man. when he was speaking french to a french girl on the porch and smoking his cigarette, i knew i liked him. he's a PhD student. we ended the night dancing to Stevie Wonder and the Isley Brothers. He is moving back to Montreal in August, so I guess that's it. but it was fun.

my tribe

i hate it when people bail on me.
moving to a new city is so much harder than you think it will be. i figured since i did it once, the second time would be easier. but sometimes i feel like it's just as hard.
i can't wait for when i finally find my tribe. i think i've found some of them already.
i have to remember to be patient.

one thing i've learned in the past year is that this cliche is true:

quality relationships take quality time. you can make fast friends, but it is the amount of time and how open you are with them that makes them worthy friends, friends that will be there for you. this goes for romantic relationships as well.




PHOTO CREDIT: Daasanach tribe girl - Omorate Ethiopia by Eric Lafforgue, via Flickr

Roman Geisha

last night i went to a birthday party. then the whole party went to a bar. at the bar i was approached by an older, Roman banker. It's as if God knows my biggest temptations. We flirted all night. Talked about Italy. Then we started talking about relationships. Then we found ourselves at a 24 hour diner because there was still so much to talk about. And then we talked about his marriage. we left the diner and both walked towards our different lives.

Nothing happened but good conversation. It wasn't about dating, sex, or exchanging numbers - that never happened; it was about talking to a stranger and the enjoyment of that. But i don't know why I entertain unavailable men. Was I a Geisha in a past life?

It's something I'm working on, and it makes me hate bars and it makes me hate dating in a way i never have before.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

ahab goes to an art gallery.

I'm going out tonight w/ the white whale to an art gallery....of course. last night we spoke on the phone for 2 hours. This seems to be becoming a regular occurrence. Once we start talking we just have so much to share and we want to get it all out, like we don't have enough time or something.

he told me a lot about himself. he was an open book and shared some pretty major details about him and his life thus far. i deeply appreciated this. but I'm not so ready to tell those things about myself. it's too soon and i gotta trust before any of that happens. and that takes me awhile. i can pretend trust, ignore it's absence - that's easy. but actually trusting with a whole heart is difficult for me.

to love someone too much is a great risk; but miracles still happen and sometimes things come true.
It reminds me of the scene in "Moonstruck" when the mother says to the daughter:

[Loretta announces she's going to marry Johnny Camareri]
Cosmo Castorini: I don't like him.
Rose: You're not going to marry him, Cosmo. Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: No.
Rose: Good.
[She looks at Cosmo]
Rose: When you love them they drive you crazy because they know they can.

 Then later in the movie when Rose decides to marry the man she is REALLY in love with:
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: Aw, ma, I love him awful.
Rose: Oh, God, that's too bad.

The White Whale has lived longer than i have. He has more experiences. Yet, we click. We never run out of things to say and i find him devastatingly handsome, like so handsome it has a sweet pain attached to it. sort of like "la dolore exquisite" only i think there is a big chance i will be with him. He's irresistible.

He tripped me up a couple times on the phone with questions and he got quite a kick out of making me go silent. Not many people do that to me.
"So how is it that you don't you have a boyfriend?"
...

I cherish the fact that he wants to go at a glacial speed. I've had to many failures based on lightening speed lustful attractions. It's time to try something new. I want an exclusive partner who wants to get to know me, the true, real me; not just the physical. I'm over that and want the full experience of truly loving someone else.

party prose.

my favorite sort of night is when you have a glass of wine while putting your makeup on. but not too much wine, because you don't want to put on too much makeup.

you go out to your favorite bar. with your friends. and then other people show up that you don't know and you exchange names. everyone is friendly and talks and gets along.

everyone likes hearing what you choose to play on the jukebox. everyone likes motown so you play motown. everyone likes Sam Cooke.

you continue on with beer because that's what you started with, or you move on to whiskey. and moving onto whiskey is usually always a bad idea, but you chose to do so anyway. you are little older now, so you know to sip it and it won't be as bad as you know it could be.

everyone gets sick of the first bar and you go to another bar. the second bar is never as good as the first one, but you needed to leave the first bar. right now you couldn't say why you did if anyone asked you.

someone is restless like you and invited everyone back to there place. it is not yet 12am but everyone still wants to go back to someone's place. some of you go and some of you take cabs home together to make love, and some of you go home alone to watch a movie, eat drunkenly and bitch.

you go back to the house, because you are restless and still want to meet all these people and talk about their lives and talk about how they see the world. this all sounds better while holding a glass of wine. you sip that too though, because you want to enjoy every sip, every word that is coming out of this new person's lips.

the lights are lower in the room you all sit in. slowly, everyone goes off to bed, except for you and an attractive man. you stay up and talk. you exchange stories, know where he is from, what he did in high school with his friends - however nerdy, although you don't find it nerdy you find it endearing - who he is or who he is not in love with, his favorite drink, what he likes about women, what he hates about women.

he is fascinated by you and everything you say and you can tell he wants to kiss you. but you both don't do that because all this connection is too comfortable to mess up this late at night. so you fall asleep on the couch and the next morning you walk home and you see him in a month and you feel like he forgot about all of it, but you look at him like you didn't. 

fotos, booze & boys

I will be causing a ruckus in our fair city this weekend and it pleases me to no end.
 


Upon getting ready tonight i will be listening to this song full blast. No, i do not agree with the blatant misogyny the song is founded on, but i love that GD tune!!!

 

tonight I am attending a city photography organization's annual photo week launch party complete with music, OPEN bar, and art ART AND MORE ART. i got the ticket for free, valued at $60.00 :)

Music, booze, and art. My personal paradise. 

The only BAD thing that could happen would be if the WHITE WHALE showed up. It is his crowd's sort of thing. But I'm sure he's too jaded by such imbibing and fuss over art he's already seen. We'll see. I can't say i wouldn't be GIDDY AS A SCHOOLGIRL if he was there to see me in my tight little black dress. 

I was also invited by my gypsy jazz guitar playing neighbor to a belated-themed-Halloween bash. Of course I could not refuse the offer. boys & booze at that one.

 

Saturday welcomes a DJ that only plays soul 45s at a local bar/resto in my hood. I don't even have to travel to get my groove on. VERY excited to dance to Hipster's avenue. I actually had a DREAM last night i was dancing to this very song and everyone was looking at me with shame and embarrassment and i couldn't figure out why. Was this a prophetic apparition? Only time will tell. 

Sunday morning i am going to a exercise class and then brunch. W/ Levo League gals! I've discovered my new haremmmmmm.

 

Sunday night i am going to see JAMES BLAKE!!!!!!

He actually does have the voice of an angel. and the vices too.

This weekend

Friday i got a frozen pizza, a bottle of wine, watched Hart of Dixie and went to bed at 10:30.

it was epic.

Saturday i went to the farmers market, hung out with my awesome friend, Eric, i went to a friends housewarming party, met tons of cool new people, rode my bike, went to karaoke, sang "Rehab" and "I want you to want me", got kissed on the cheek by an adorable undergrad Georgetown student, came home and ate the rest of the pizza from the night before.

Today i ran in Rock Creek Park, rode my bike, went to brunch with HCMW then got for yo, then kissed, then went to Pho with Hawt ginge, then had two saison beers as well.

SOLID WEEKEND. 

My Makeout Saturday

I madeout with the Hot Canadian Man Whore (HCMW). It was wrong of me but i couldn't help myself. Like a monkey in a cage with bananas.

This was after I had attended a rooftop pool party.

IT IS SWELL.

I love my neighborhood.

my new yoga studio is fab. i have had two classes and i liked both teachers who taught. I'm getting my Ommm on - even if my arms, legs, and ass hurts!!! i feel like Stretch Armstrong. I guess my running doesn't really stretch me out, it just enables me to eat whatever the fuck I want and not get fat. But Yoga is amazing!!! Every time i leave a class i feel great, not only in my body, but my mind & soul (as cliche as that is) as well.

This week i got a free cupcake from the local convenient store (who is hosting a block party in my hood this Saturday) and two free shots and a beer from my corner bar because i have befriended the hawt ginge bartender, G.

I LOVE MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

people are genuinely friendly in D.C.

I HAVE ALSO BEEN ASKED OUT ON TWO DATES IN ONE WEEK.

one on Friday and one on Sunday!!!

\AS SOON AS I BEGAN NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX, THEY NOTICED ME.

On Friday I am going with the Lawyer to Eamon's Chippery, PX Lounge and then to a 90s cover band.

On Sunday I am hanging out with the sexy frenchie - we are going to re-build my bike , observe the epic sounding Meridian hill park drum circle and a BBQ party.

In Conclusion...
TONIGHT AT THE BAR THERE WAS AN IMPROMPTU MARCHING BAND performance.
that is all that needs to be said.

Parties with Ex Pats

Last night i went to an Ex Pat party. It was very fun and everyone was very nice. The people dressed well were Europeans. :)

I got numbers from a man from San Fran - a total dude - A Greek, and two Italians.

I do not think i will call any of them. The San Fran guy was too much of a dude. The Greek was a transparent Player and total hornball (he was the most attractive though and called my dress sexy and said he wanted to "teach me greek".yahhhhh....). The Italians gave me their numbers yet acted like they were too good/indifferent which was confusing.

After drinking Strawberry Mint Sparkling wine and Vodka Sodas, me and my friend E headed to Ping Pong Dim Sum, my favorite over priced, tastiest resto in Chinatown. The Dim Sum is divine and MELTS in your mouth! Soft dumpling with a savory surprise wrapped inside. So so so good.

We also cheered w/ Prosecco to a successful night.

People's Parties

I am going to a swanky cocktail party on a hotel rooftop in downtown DC today. Many people at the party will be of the International, Traveling, monetarily Wealthy fare. How I got invited is a small miracle. Let's just say, friend of a friend.

I like to go to parties and mingle. I like to people watch and suppose and wonder who these new people are - where they are from, what they do during their days.  Do they lounge or stress at coffee shops over writings or computer code? Do they make flower arrangements after attending their morning yoga class, then go get a blow-out in Bethesda? Do they cook and clean for someone else? Do they go home to a dog, a wife, or a child? Who are these people.

It's much more fun to assume though, because the way a person dresses tells a lot about them, their beliefs and the way they want to look in this world.

I decided to go all out and wear a fancy cocktail dress from renttherunway.com

This is what I'm wearing...........I'm wearing this dress and these earrings: :http://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/nicolemiller_dresses/coralfairladydress http://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/pierced_jewelry/teardropsparkleearrings






I'm excited to look HAWT and enjoy myself and hopefully meet some very interesting new party people.

We must not forget the importance of dressing up, and giving ourselves a good time. Today is the youngest you will ever be, you might as well take advantage of the gift of youth and show it off a bit. Share your beauty, be confident in your beauty and ENJOY the youth and delight you've been given. Someone up there likes you.

kickballzzzzz and Bastille Day.....

i kicked the ball and went to a base and caught a ball, getting someone out. then i made new friends and drank beer and ate chicken tenders.

nothing bad happened.

i am going to a Bastille Day soiree tomorrow night, and a Sunday Bastille day brunch at a french bistro on Sunday.

C'est magnifique !!!