Once upon a
time, I dated an artist. It was a very short romance. As most stereotypes, he
oozed charisma. His flirtations were a wide net and I was the catch;
inescapable. I had no chance the moment he put his arm around my waist and
whispered in my ear, “I think we’re going to be trouble.”
The hooks
were in deep. But then came the mood swings, the verbal abuse … the other
women. He no longer talked with me, but at me. All conversations were art
lectures, or therapist appointments in which I played the role of the incompetent
therapist. Listening for hours, not able to offer advice, and leaving more perplexed
about “us” then when I had walked in. His narcissism and womanizing revealed
itself soon enough and that lead to a swift demise.
I went to a music
concert recently and this quote from a song stuck out to me:
"Like a
flame not allowed to last very long but how fantastic and strong."
(Frontier
Ruckus - If the Suns Collapse)
From my end,
our relationship was as short as it was intense. But it was not all bad,
because I learned some invaluable lessons. I learned what I will allow and what
I will not. I learned that I want to be an equal in a partnership, not a fiddler
player of the background music to someone else’s life story. The question this
short relationship asked of me was, do I want to be the muse or do I want to be
the artist, the creator myself? I have learned I am the creator of my own life
story.
So this
afterthought isn’t about how to date a creative mind. This is about how to cultivate your own creative power, how to become
your own creator.
At some point you
must find the strength within yourself to step out from your partner's shadow. Living in
the shadow of an artist can be difficult. Artists are contagiously creative,
passionate, and emotional.They
brood in
thought and like a mood ring can be 50 colors in one day. Not all these
traits are bad. But they can effect you negatively if you let them. The
American photographer, Lee Miller, met surrealist artist, Man Ray, when she was
22 years old in 1929. She became his lover and muse. While with him, she
managed to learn from his photographic techniques, help run his studio, and become an artist. At 25, Miller left Man Ray and Paris to return
to New York and establish a portrait and commercial photography studio with her
brother Erik as her darkroom assistant.She would go on to become an acclaimed photographer for Vogue, serving
as war correspondent during WWII.
Examine
yourself. Who are you and what are you creating? The painter, Frida Kahlo, once
said, "I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the
subject I know best." Meeting the famous artist Diego Rivera at age 20,
Frida wanted his opinion on her work. He replied, “You’ve got talent.” This
encouragement and her perseverance would result in the Louvre buying one of her
paintings, “The Frame”; the first work by a twentieth-century Mexican artist to
be purchased by the renowned museum. Although Kahlo’s fame came posthumously,
her authentic sense of self has lived on forever in her art and its admirers. Your
creations are eternal.
I invite you to create a list of qualities you’d like in an ideal partner.In a 1981 speech given at Yale, the ground-breaking feminist, political activist and
journalist, Gloria Steinem stated, “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted
to marry.” Ask yourself if you have the qualities you would like to have in a partner. If you do, that’s great. If you don’t
have them, focus on those qualities you lack and see how you can cultivate
them. Remember to create your own masterpiece before giving all your paint
away to a jackass. Your personal artistry will lead you to making your very own
masterpiece if you let it.
Actress Adele Exarchopolous from "Blue is the Warmest Colour" has a tattoo that I quite like. I could care less for the placement, that doesn't really matter to me, but the words are great.
It’s written “Pentru tine de o mie de ori” which means “For you, a thousand times over” in romanian.
I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills, When all at once I saw a crowd, A host, of golden daffodils; Beside the lake, beneath the trees, Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine And twinkle on the milky way, They stretched in never-ending line Along the margin of a bay: Ten thousand saw I at a glance, Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they Out-did the sparkling waves in glee: A poet could not but be gay, In such a jocund company: I gazed--and gazed--but little thought What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon that inward eye Which is the bliss of solitude; And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils.
I'm going out tonight w/ the white whale to an art gallery....of course. last night we spoke on the phone for 2 hours. This seems to be becoming a regular occurrence. Once we start talking we just have so much to share and we want to get it all out, like we don't have enough time or something.
he told me a lot about himself. he was an open book and shared some pretty major details about him and his life thus far. i deeply appreciated this. but I'm not so ready to tell those things about myself. it's too soon and i gotta trust before any of that happens. and that takes me awhile. i can pretend trust, ignore it's absence - that's easy. but actually trusting with a whole heart is difficult for me.
to love someone too much is a great risk; but miracles still happen and sometimes things come true.
It reminds me of the scene in "Moonstruck" when the mother says to the daughter:
[Loretta announces she's going to marry Johnny Camareri]
Cosmo Castorini:
I don't like him. Rose:
You're not going to marry him, Cosmo. Do you love him, Loretta? Loretta Castorini:
No. Rose:
Good.
[She looks at Cosmo]
Rose:
When you love them they drive you crazy because they know they can.
Then later in the movie when Rose decides to marry the man she is REALLY in love with: Rose:
Do you love him, Loretta? Loretta Castorini:
Aw, ma, I love him awful. Rose:
Oh, God, that's too bad.
The White Whale has lived longer than i have. He has more experiences. Yet, we click. We never run out of things to say and i find him devastatingly handsome, like so handsome it has a sweet pain attached to it. sort of like "la dolore exquisite" only i think there is a big chance i will be with him. He's irresistible.
He tripped me up a couple times on the phone with questions and he got quite a kick out of making me go silent. Not many people do that to me.
"So how is it that you don't you have a boyfriend?"
...
I cherish the fact that he wants to go at a glacial speed. I've had to many failures based on lightening speed lustful attractions. It's time to try something new. I want an exclusive partner who wants to get to know me, the true, real me; not just the physical. I'm over that and want the full experience of truly loving someone else.
I saw Mary Ellen Mark speak tonight. She and her work is remarkable. Her career has spanned from India, Mexico, Brothels, Celebrities, High School proms, Homelessness, Mental Hospitals, Circus performers, Broadway from the 1970s. She most recently has partnered w/ a Pharmaceutical company, Novartis, making short documentaries with her partner on pediatric care for children with cancer, autism, blindness and developmental syndromes. She shared some of the shorts with us tonight and I came very close to tears. Here are some notes I took and wanted to share. I think for any beginner or more advanced photographer/artist, this advice is great to know.:
Black & White vs. Color:
She loves and appreciates color and respects those photographers who know how to use it. She has used color in her work, but she has a love for Black & White. She said, "I can tell if my students are shooting in B&W or if they are shooting in color and making it B&W." I thought this was a really interesting approach to color and execution.
She shoots in analog
She detests instagram and cell phone pictures - she sees them as social media marketing tools, not photos or art. I personally disagree with this outlook, but coming from her it makes sense. She is a photographer from back in the day when magazines showed non-glossified, non-photoshopped pieces about world issues. I can't say many magazines do that anymore. In fact, there aren't that many print outlets anymore for photos, mostly online - so i think she is right and wrong.
She went on to say she hasn't heard from a magazine asking for her to do a shoot in a year and she doesn't quite mind because magazine photos nowadays are "glossy, decorations" not raw pieces of point of view.
It takes many years to develop ones point of view
When she has students do a project she doesn't take them somewhere and have them shoot all the same thing at the same time, but she rather tells them to go out on their own and do it, so they can develop a strong point of view without other influences
Paraphrasing: "Photography is like writing, it's not accidental, not simple. It's not like you shoot and it's art. [She] asks her students why they shot something the way they did. She wants to make a point to figure out the thought process behind a shot, a picture.
She said it is easier shooting someone she doesn't know, because her viewpoint is less influenced by the outside factors of that person and her's history. Whereas, if there is no history, her viewpoint is fresh, more free. She didn't say she preferred it one way or the other, she was saying how your relationship to the person you are shooting effects the way you shoot them.
She talked about not settling and fighting for what you believe in. Follow your heart.
All and all it was yet again another inspiring lecture to attend. It made me feel those artistic bones rattle inside of me, wanting me to do more and try harder. Always, always, always I must.
12 “Pick
me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm.
I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.” 13 Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before.14 Then they cried out to the Lord, “Please, Lord, do not let us die for taking this man’s life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, Lord, have done as you pleased.”15 Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm.16 At this the men greatly feared the Lord, and they offered a sacrifice to the Lord and made vows to him. 17 Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.
The city should be covered in a blaring red paint EVERYWHERE cuz this weekend no corner of this fair city was spared from my debauchery.
Friday night:
Nat Geo Photo party launch. I wore my go-to hawt outfit. i saw photogs. it was rather grand. i then when to a halloween party w/ my neighborhood gypsy jazz playing friend.
Sat:
Farmer's market blew my wallet, but it was a wonderful way to spend the morning.
At 11:00pm i got my ass off the couch and went to a party w/ flip cup, but quickly got out of that situation and went to a 60s soul/motown dance party at a Mexican resto in my hood. The enchiladas were to die for.
I then went to a corner bar at 2am wearing a panda headpiece concealing my identity until i wanted more beer.
Sun:
I woke up determined to go to mass. I haven't been in 5 months and it's the Catholic spiritualism part of me that keeps calling me back. I decided to attend mass at one of the oldest (if not the first, it may be) African-American founded Catholic churches in America. The parish was soooooo welcoming. Everyone was so nice. and get this: People actually sang AND clapped their hands in praise.
At most Catholic masses I've been to, getting people to participate musically is like pulling teeth. No one seems joyful to be there, but more like a chore.
***SIDE RANT: No one makes you go to church, so I've never understood this idea of going to church if you don't want to be there or if you do not like the church you are going to. I feel like there are so many ways to worship in whatever you believe in - yes i'm including atheism - so you shouldn't waste your time doing things you don't want to do regarding spiritually, religion.***
I SO ENJOYED going to this parish!!! Everyone was happy, joyful, singing and clapping their hands. All the music was in Gospel Chorus style so it sounded amazing!!! Also, I really liked the sermon. I definitely want to return for mass there in the future. I believe that is how mass should be.
I then had a white whale encounter. Which will be detailed in the next blog post.
And then I went to James Blake and it was amazing!!!! Talk about music. Music is definitely a HUGE part of my personal religion. There is some sort of high-power/other worldly quality when you listen to really good music and see really good art.
I will be causing a ruckus in our fair city this weekend and it pleases me to no end.
Upon getting ready tonight i will be listening to this song full
blast. No, i do not agree with the blatant misogyny the song is founded
on, but i love that GD tune!!!
tonight I am attending a city photography organization's annual photo week launch party complete with music, OPEN bar, and art ART AND MORE ART. i got the ticket for free, valued at $60.00 :)
Music, booze, and art. My personal paradise.
The only BAD thing that could happen would be if the WHITE WHALE showed up. It is his crowd's sort of thing. But I'm sure he's too jaded by such imbibing and fuss over art he's already seen. We'll see. I can't say i wouldn't be GIDDY AS A SCHOOLGIRL if he was there to see me in my tight little black dress.
I was also invited by my gypsy jazz guitar playing neighbor to a belated-themed-Halloween bash. Of course I could not refuse the offer. boys & booze at that one.
Saturday welcomes a DJ that only plays soul 45s at a local bar/resto in my hood. I don't even have to travel to get my groove on. VERY excited to dance to Hipster's avenue. I actually had a DREAM last night i was dancing to this very song and everyone was looking at me with shame and embarrassment and i couldn't figure out why. Was this a prophetic apparition? Only time will tell.
Sunday morning i am going to a exercise class and then brunch. W/ Levo League gals! I've discovered my new haremmmmmm.
Sunday night i am going to see JAMES BLAKE!!!!!!
He actually does have the voice of an angel. and the vices too.
Today i went to the National Geographic Museum for the first time.
I saw the exhibition, "Women of Vision" - it's an awe-inspiring look into the experience and work of women photojournalists on assignment from National Geographic. What a life to lead!
The exhibit focused on how the photographers relate to the people or places they observe and photograph, and how they tell other people's stories with genuine dignity and loyalty to being honest - regardless of their personal point of views.
I've worked with photos for six years now professionally, but my new year's goal is to purchase a "fancy camera" and sign up for a class. I think photography may be something I could enjoy and might even be good at. I think it's calling me and i need to explore that siren.
The photographers featured in the exhibit are doing AMAZING, jaw-dropping work. They are speaking up for the silenced and sharing the experience of people in the "non-western" world. Which is a good portion of this world!
Another reason why i think i might like photography is it gives me a legitimate excuse to go to foreign places. "i gotta take pictures of the place," i will say.
- 1990
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean--
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
I had the pleasure of seeing the amazingly talented writer, Elizabeth Gilbert, or "Liz" as the fans (and herself as well) call her.
She spoke for about 40 minutes and took questions. She has this crazy radiating glow about her. She is one of the genuinely happiest, open and humble people ever!!! She seemed so natural talking about her book, the inspiration for it, the research process, writing process and so human! She is just like us, she just works her ass off and achieves her goals through this brilliant psyche she's seemed to be growing for 40+ years. I hope I am as lucky to be so wise and happy at her age.
Take-aways I had from her talking about the writing process:
She writes from 5am-11am, "before the world catches you." She explained everything and every emergency seems to happen by 11am.
She recommended for a young unestablished writer to be disciplined. write everyday, to the point if you don't write for a day, you feel like something is missing.
The creative process - be open to it. Some days you may write nothing that is good. But you must soldier through those days - b/c those phases are apart of the process
Give yourself presents during a writing project. If you finish you goal of writing x amount of words that day, reward yourself with something.
She does work in seasons. She Finds inspiration in Fall, Research in Spring, Summer writes - for example.
When she was younger and new at writing she wrote for whatever. She now has the freedom to write one her own schedule, project basis.
Be your own Editor.
Have your trust worthy loving friends edit your stuff, NOT your enemies or mean people.
Create a writing circle of friends whom you share your work with.
She quoted this poem by Sharon Olds to explain how she feels when she is FINALLY done and sends the book to print. She was saying you can do your very best but there comes a point when you have to let it go and be the book it is going to be. Kinda like a child:
Poem: "The Summer-Camp Bus Pulls Away from the Curb," by Sharon Olds fromBlood, Tin, Straw (Alfred A. Knopf)
The Summer-Camp Bus Pulls Away from the Curb
Whatever he needs, he has or doesn't have by now. Whatever the world is going to do to him it has started to do. With a pencil and two Hardy Boys and a peanut butter sandwich and grapes he is on his way, there is nothing more we can do for him. Whatever is stored in his heart, he can use, now. Whatever he has laid up in his mind he can call on. What he does not have he can lack. The bus gets smaller and smaller, as one folds a flag at the end of a ceremony, onto itself, and onto itself, until only a heavy wedge remains. Whatever his exuberant soul can do for him, it is doing right now. Whatever his arrogance can do it is doing to him. Everything that's been done to him, he will now do. Everything that's been placed in him will come out, now, the contents of a trunk unpacked and lined up on a bunk in the underpine light.
Take-aways I had from her talking about life:
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? - She quoted poet, Mary Oliver, at one point. I believe it was when she was talking about professions, passions. She was clear to point out that we have one go-around - and we might as well make it the best damn time and try our hardest to live the life we envision for ourselves in our heads. She also said no one is going to "knock on your door and say, 'oh excuse me? i heard there is a brilliant unpublished author living here?" You must work and submit and never give up.
Women have two huge things that bombard us in this world - self esteem and self rejection. We not only are hard one our looks, but we also do not do things b/c we think we will fail.
"Let your creativity be stronger than your fear" - powerful.
She is still in a blissful partnership w/ Phillipe.
She owns a bookstore in the town she lives in.
She supports her fellow writers and women!!!
The ultimate take-away was that i need to continue working on my writing and feed my creative spirit! Because that is what makes me my authentic self and most happy.
“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting – over and over announcing your place in the family of things.” ― Mary Oliver
I took a chance and saw an Author Talk at 6th & I with the the incredibly humble and charming, Nicholas Sparks. And i even got a signed copy of his new book with my ticket purchase!
I enjoyed the talk so much more than I had expected. I thought Mr. Sparks was going to be somewhat of a "Godlike" character - very elevated, knowing his talent and being arrogant. My first assumption is that people that are THAT successful must be like this, even if they try to not show it - to me, Oprah and Tom Cruise act like this. Very smug it seems.
So - to my absolute surprise, Sparks has none of the arrogance and all of the talent. He was so enjoyable to listen to. He spoke on his new book, "The Longest Ride", his writing process, what it's like to have a good majority of your 18 novels adapted into movies, and life in general.
Some moments i loved, as a writer:
He said he gets a "seed" of an idea and this grows into a novel. He said he doesn't know where that seed comes from, but when he gets one that sticks with him he writes about it and sees where it leads him.
He writes for 5 hours a day, averaging a novel in a 5 month period.
A lot of his characters are based on his experiences, specifically the people he has known and loved in his life, ie: he spoke about his wife, grandparents-in-law, brother, sisters and children.
"Writing is hard" - He wanted to emphasize that he just doesn't sit down and have things effortlessly flow from his fingertips
"I'm a writer not a typist" - It's easy to type out a bunch of words onto paper, but not to write a bunch of words on paper.
Although all of his stories take place in the South, he tries to challenge himself by writings characters he is not - ie: he is a white, male - he writes characters from different gender, races and religious backgrounds.
He does not classify himself as a romance novelist, ie: anything with Fabio on the book cover. He says his work are novels about life and life has great romance and love stories in it, but they should not be classified strictly as "romance novels"
Some moments i loved as an audience member:
One question asked was, "what was the hardest character to stop writing about, or walk away from when you were done writing about them?" He answered it was Jamie from "A Walk to Remember" because that character was based on his sister who died of cancer at a young age. I got misty eyed when he told that story and talked about his sister and her life and how that was shown in the book.
He personally believes that every person will do the right thing most of the time. and most of the time we all have the best intentions. But sometimes we screw up or are flawed. And that is how he writes his characters.
He was really funny!!! You'd think he'd be serious, but he was so light hearted and happy. Not a moody, serious writer.
He lives in a small town in North Carolina, which i love
He based "The Notebook" on his wife's grandparents love story.
Sparks definitely seems like a person who enjoys life, works hard for his success and tries to take in all the good and bad and enjoy every moment. I love people like that! I wish i could be more like that.
Come a rain storm put your rubbers on your feet
Comes a snow storm you can get a little heat
Comes love nothing can be done
Comes a fire then you know just what to do
Blow a tire You can buy another shoe
Comes love nothing can be done
Don’t try hidin?
'Cause there isn’t any use
You’ll start slidin?
When your heart turns on the juice
Comes a headache you can lose it in a day
Comes a toothache see the dentist right away
Comes love nothing can be done!
Comes a heat wave you can hurry to the shore
Comes a summons you can hide behind the door
Comes love Nothing can be done
Comes the measles you can quarantine the room
Comes a mousie you can chase it with a broom
Comes love nothing can be done
That’s all brother
If you’ve ever been in love
That’s all brother
You know what I’m speaking of!
Comes a nightmare you can always stay awake
Comes depression you may get another break
Comes love nothing can be done!
WC's world came crashing down today and unfortunately i got to be "apart" of it.
I
was solicited to speak to WC via fb chat and it turns out it wasn't
really WC, it was his 7 year live-in gf? i was messaging with this live-in gf. She messaged me seconds later to
tell me it was her, how i ruined her life, blah blah blah.
although i do feel bad, i have to believe i was not the reason, but a factor in the demise.
i can tell you i have learned i will NEVER ever ever EVER flirt with an attached man.
woooo! what a doozy.
can
you imagine if this involved a wife and children? i used to say i drew
the line at wife and children, but because of this major fiasco, I'm
revising that to "no significant others" PERIOD.
it's made me think twice about kissing anyone.
Love is so much more powerful than I once thought.
One of my BEST friends Jessica came to visit me in DC for the long weekend. We did SO much in the short time she was here!! Holy Moly.
A quick run down:
Friday: I brought Jes to Ping Pong Dim Sum. My favorite Dim Dum place in D.C. thus far. I'm sure there is a more authentic, cheaper place, but this place never fails to delight my senses. With the flavors, textures and beautiful presentation it's always a delectable time.
After Dim Sum we walked around, looking at the monuments at night.
Then, we headed over to my corner bar. The bar manager who has seen me there before bought me and Jes TWO rounds then asked me on a date. He seems to be a playa, and when i quipped this to him he said, "i truly do find you absolutely stunning." - oh my. ALSO - mind you this is the same bar i have gotten two dates at previously after going there in yoga clothes, no makeup. I'm CONVINCED this bar like releases pheromones in my body or something. CRAY-CRAY.
Saturday: We woke up, got breakfast at a cute french bakery next to Eastern Market, then went to Eastern Market. I bought a pack of organic lavender products a lady made and was selling and Jes got a stellar jade ring that matched her sea-foam green nail polish. Then we went to the American History museum - saw Julia Child's kitchen, the ORIGINAL star spangled banner (like the one the song was written about, AKA the one Francis Scott Key saw as he watched the battle), and Dorothy's red slippers.We then went to the Natural History Museum and after traipsing around we saw the Hope diamond and an IMAX film in which they played this song:
The film was "Ultimate Wave" with Kelly Slater surfing the ultimate wave in Tahiti.
Later that night we went to Alexandria for Eamonn's Chippery and PX Lounge Cocktail drinks. PX Lounge feels like an old Speakeasy. Kinda like being in "Midnight in Paris."
Sunday: We had brunch, walked ALL over Georgetown, went to Madam's Organ, danced to an amazing Blues band (Stacey Brooks) and sang some Karaoke.
Monday: We went to the National Portrait gallery and then went to Teaism for really good zen food.
