Fuck yes

I went out with a friend last night. I had some beers. I showed her pictures of the two drastically older men I'm interested in. One of whom is my ex.

She looked at me and said
"OMG. No. You are way too nice and too funny and too beautiful to date these losers!!! You deserve someone who's going to take you on dates and want to date you."

I got a text from RPJ when i got home.

I called him twice he didn't pick up.

I said I'd rather talk on the phone.

So then I proceed to drop TRUTH BOMBS on his phone.

I don't know if what I did was right.

Basically I told him
Shit or get off the pot. Just in many more words.

I spoke my truth, so I'm not going to feel bad about it. I just hate it when a girl speaks her mind and a man labels her as "psycho or crazy" - when in actuality I'm just looking to cleanse my life of the BULLSHIT which he sprays onto it.

It's so complicated and painful and I don't have time for this shit!!!!

Did I do the "right" thing? Am I missing out on the greatest love of my life? I don't think so, since I would hope the greatest love of my life WOULD ACTUALLY TREAT ME WITH MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE.  i feel the love from him. Just no respect. 

the love song that's stuck in my head

 










Friday night i went out with friends, then met up with Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw. We had a few drinks and it was fun to talk and spend time w/ him. there was no kissing cuz i was sick. I haven't heard back from him since :/ i texted him today, so we'll see if he says hello.

Last night i got a text from RPJ, my ex. He asked what I was up to and that he was glad we were talking again and we should hang out soon. I called him. He told me he was at a bar around the corner from me.

So i threw on my coat and went to have a few drinks with my "buddy".

we continue to drink. he pays for all my drinks. he takes my hand in his hand and tells me why it's so hard for him. why he disappears on women. why he gets scared. he tells me about being in a helicopter, sitting across from a medic and a man with his brain coming out of his mouth.

you've been through some heavy shit, I agree.

he tells me he's always been this way. he gets really into someone then pulls away.

you're testing me. seeing if i'll still be there. still hang out and be cool and be there when you come back.

he values his loner-ness. his solitaire. he wants someone who will be ok with that. that's why he  leaves or suddenly doesn't talk to me for a long time.

you keep holding my hand. you say your father's death doomed us. we would be together if not for that loss. you weren't present and couldn't find your way back.
you tell me i'm cute, you tell me you're being seduced. "you're seducing me."
you love my hands. they feel so good, they're so soft. you rub them and hold them tight. you squeeze my arms and hands. you laugh when i get pink in the cheeks and tell me, "you're turning red." i say no it's just the lighting. you say no. don't be silly. you love that i'm so playful.

we start speaking in italian. anchio te. mi piace luigino.
i tell you how heartbroken i was.
we cash out. you walk me back to my place. it's so so cold and windy. we get inside my lobby and we kiss. my lips and yours dancing. all i'm thinking in my head is i want you. i'm thinking it so loud and so hard that i swear you hear my mind through our kissing.

are lips are dancing with the occasional scratch from your stubble.
we head downstairs to my apartment. i hope my roommate is not up because if she is she will give me an eye roll and make me feel like a high school student misbehaving in detention.
she's not up thank god. i tell you to go to my room while i make the tea.
i show you the camera my parents gave me, their 80s Canon. this was your first camera you say.
you fool with it and show me how it works, where the battery is. i love you.
i pour the tea and you're already lying down in my unmade bed. you're comfortable.
i put down the tea and you barely sips any. you tell me to come here and snuggle. but we don't even snuggle too long before we are kissing.

we lay in bed and my alarm goes off. the day must begin. my routine calls. i wash my face and dress and make my lunch.
we walk down the street. it's still cold. i am humming good morning music. "good morning, good morning, it's great to stay up late" - "oh what a beautiful morning"
"do you always sing in the morning?"
 "no ... wait, ya i guess i do! i hum and sing to myself."

we part ways and say see ya. you go up the street and i go to work. i still love you but i no longer am waiting for you. i can't wait. i must live out this novel of my life. with or without you.

is it wrong that last night happened? no. it just happened. this is life. all i do is what feels good, what is right in the moment. maybe it's not in the long run. but i no longer live for others rules. i live for my own rules. as long as i feel comfortable and good, i'm saying yes. life is too short to worry and hate myself. life is to love myself, every inch. all the good and bad bits. it's gorgeous and completely one of a kind.


sleeping next to him felt so good. a little part of me loves him after all this and that is the part i think rules my head even when it shouldn't.
the question is, do i want to wait around for him to figure it out? no i don't.

i definitely feel our dynamics are different now, though. i've kicked him off his pedestal and he is just another man. Unfortunately i am still in love with this man.

It's not as simple as saying I'm never going to see him again and cut him out. I can't do it. I've tried.

He's baccckkkkkkk

My ex - the one that broke my heart last year - sent me an OUT OF THE BLUE email of hello on Sunday. I said something back, light, breezy, not asking any questions.

Ex: What's up?

Me: Thanksgiving was great, blah blah bye

Ex: Sounds good to me.

hours later

Ex: If you want to catch up or hang out after you get back let me know.

I haven't answered. I don't know if I will. He brought so much pain into my life.

These are the only two reasons I waiver:
1) I still find him devastatingly physically attractive. Like one of the hottest men ever.
2) There is a 5% within me that wants to believe he wants to right all the wrongs, do it "right" this time and love me the way I deserve. There is that very small part I want to believe which is: He loves me and wants to be with me.

But the 95%  knows the truth. The 95% of me cannot forget the countless times during our short time dating that he let me down, made me feel worthless, made me feel like I wasn't a priority. And that's the part I need to remember. I was SO MISERABLE when we were dating. Most of the time sucked and there were brief glimmers of amazingness. Those were the ones i wanted to believe in. But there wasn't enough of good. I constantly questioned my self-worth, confidence, sexiness, even words I said b/c I so badly wanted to please this asshole man. He dangled the relationship in my face, but only if i followed his rules. That's not love. That's manipulative bullshit of a true Narcissistic. The fact that he is contacting me out of the blue is proof of this as well.Also - I do not believe I'm the only one he's emailed this to. I suspect he has a long list of women like me - those he contacts for praise and/or sex when he's in between women and feeling insecure. What an asshole!!!

But there's that little part of me that wants him to take me out for drinks and tell me how wrong he was. But I know that would most likely end in some sort of fake reconciliation (sex) and would follow by months of an emotional roller coaster.

I need to make the right decision for me right now. That is - based on past knowledge - that I cannot ever engage with this man ever again. Even though I still have that 5% that craves the idea of him - the reality of him is not the same. The reality is that he's a selfish man with lots of problems. I need to protect myself this time. This is about self-preservation more than anything else. I love myself more than him. By far.

But why does it have to be this hard?

I can't wait until I meet someone who truly wants to love me, not just play games and be a shitty person. I've had more horrible things happen than good at dating and to be honest, the reason I haven't had a date in so long is fear and trauma. I realize this is not "special". I'm not the only one who has gone through these things, everyone goes through this. I just don't know what incentive there is to dating since every time I put my trust in someones hands they literally take it and smash it into 1,000 pieced before dumping me.

Dear God give me the strength to resist this bastard for once and for all!!!!

well ain't that the damn truth.

Neruda: "Love is so short, forgetting is so long."

the windows open

i want to date an emotionally available Ernest Hemingway.

i realize this is a contradictory statement.

afterthoughts

it's really hard to see an ex run around your neighborhood with his new gal. still trying to get over this fact. i wonder when i'll ever get over it/him.
soon i hope.




it's odd how even when you know you are not meant to be w/ someone and you no longer want to be with them because they make you sick to your stomach, your emotions still act like you want to be with them. Even though you KNOW he was the biggest douchebag you've ever met in the whole entire world.