Thoughts of late, not for the faint of heart.

I thought as I got older I would find more answers, but every year I just have more questions.

The RPJ has wiggled his way back into my life. But the dynamic is different. I no longer care too much about what he thinks, and I do what I want with him. I know this is not a great stage to be on with him, but I'm tired of trying to control it. He is in my life for now and who knows if he will drift out again.

I'd like to date two other men. I'd like to be exclusive. But it seems this is difficult to find. And to be honest, some days I want to be exclusive, but then my actions say I just want to continue to date and have fun. I do not know what I want when it comes to men.

MMJC is a man I'd like to know more. But we are both hippies and do not care to fight for that.  Ha! I spent my entire snow day on Thursday with MMJC. We drank beers and spoke about books, religion, all the big questions.

My 2nd snow day on Friday was spent with RPJ, white whale. We looked at photography books, watched "Gimme Shelter" on the Rolling Stones, Maron and Broad City. We made tacos for dinner and snuggled. We talked about his new documentary also known as his life's work for the past three years. He works so hard and stresses so much. He would die for his work and that is what scares me. He literally has gone over and over again into very dangerous places for his passion. This is what both scares me and intrigues me. We exist in limbo together. When he is with me I enjoy it, but he is always gone. He is going to Chicago and Toronto in the next two weeks. I hope he doesn't go back to conflict work, but that's what he does, it's inevitable. there is no other option. that's why I don't think we can be together. as long as he is going in and out of two worlds like that, there's no use to try.

Saturday morning I was walking to my volunteer tutoring gig. I got to the school and the program leader told me it was cancelled, sorry! So I walked back to my place. on the corner, I hear this deep voice behind me yell, "yo bitch!" I was sooo scared. I thought I was about to get mugged. I turn around and it is MMJC!!! that bastard was laughing, he sure did startle me. He was in the neighborhood checking in on his apartment he rents out. He also was scouting out a house for his gay couple friends in Mexico. They want an old DC house. So me and MMJC went into a house. But it was a complete wreck. Way too much of a fixer upper. When we parted ways we gave a kiss to each other on the sidewalk in broad day light. I liked that.

My hipster crush got into a bike accident last night and split his chin open.  I hope he is ok!!!

I am going to Key West at the end of the month and I plan on taking my time there to re-center and be on a beach and soak in the surroundings. I also am starting to get ancy again and a part of me wants to plot my next adventure. is it bad that I cannot stay in one place too long? is it bad that I do not like to stay too long in one place? I am addicted to change, yet it is also the one thing in this world that scares the shit out of me most. Why is that?

I am torn. I am torn between staying in one place, getting a job that pays more, make a dent in my loans, be responsible, travel more and buy more sophisticated clothes.

The other part of my soul wants to find a job that pays in Italy - short term - go there and write and take pictures and live and discover.

So how would I do this is the big big question. I have no idea. I want to think about that in Key West. A curse and blessing of my personality is that I function better with long term goals. Once I complete goals I must move onto another. It's nice because I get a lot done, but I forget to live in the moment and relish in my accomplishments. Sometimes I burn myself out if i'm not careful - it's not pretty; lots of self-loathing and despair.

I do feel very lucky. there are many blessings in my life. But there is this emptiness, this restlessness I still have that I have no idea how to cure. Maybe just do what I want and that will answer the questions? Life is so mysterious and confusing.
 

Date yourself.

I've been doing the above since Sept. 2013. I can confidently say I know how and enjoy being alone. I just came back from a week long business trip in San Fran and it was AMAZING wandering the city alone. I loved being with myself and had so much fun on tours, sight seeing, and eating food alone.  It wasn't lonely, it was really fun!!! But what if I could have that much fun or more fun with someone else along for the ride? 

Do not get me wrong - I love the freedom of my singularity.  There are 50% things I like about being single and 50% that I would like to have from a partnership.

I'm ready to date someone awesome. But I'm not willing to take the step into online dating b/c my life is so happy and peaceful right now, the thought gives me a headache of inviting someone into my life who will bring drama and fuck it all up. I can only hope after all the bad choices, I'm wiser and I can see characteristics to avoid more clearly.

I think I'm gonna sit back and live my life, keep doing what I'm doing and let the Universe take care of it.  That seems to be the most comfortable option right now.

He's baccckkkkkkk

My ex - the one that broke my heart last year - sent me an OUT OF THE BLUE email of hello on Sunday. I said something back, light, breezy, not asking any questions.

Ex: What's up?

Me: Thanksgiving was great, blah blah bye

Ex: Sounds good to me.

hours later

Ex: If you want to catch up or hang out after you get back let me know.

I haven't answered. I don't know if I will. He brought so much pain into my life.

These are the only two reasons I waiver:
1) I still find him devastatingly physically attractive. Like one of the hottest men ever.
2) There is a 5% within me that wants to believe he wants to right all the wrongs, do it "right" this time and love me the way I deserve. There is that very small part I want to believe which is: He loves me and wants to be with me.

But the 95%  knows the truth. The 95% of me cannot forget the countless times during our short time dating that he let me down, made me feel worthless, made me feel like I wasn't a priority. And that's the part I need to remember. I was SO MISERABLE when we were dating. Most of the time sucked and there were brief glimmers of amazingness. Those were the ones i wanted to believe in. But there wasn't enough of good. I constantly questioned my self-worth, confidence, sexiness, even words I said b/c I so badly wanted to please this asshole man. He dangled the relationship in my face, but only if i followed his rules. That's not love. That's manipulative bullshit of a true Narcissistic. The fact that he is contacting me out of the blue is proof of this as well.Also - I do not believe I'm the only one he's emailed this to. I suspect he has a long list of women like me - those he contacts for praise and/or sex when he's in between women and feeling insecure. What an asshole!!!

But there's that little part of me that wants him to take me out for drinks and tell me how wrong he was. But I know that would most likely end in some sort of fake reconciliation (sex) and would follow by months of an emotional roller coaster.

I need to make the right decision for me right now. That is - based on past knowledge - that I cannot ever engage with this man ever again. Even though I still have that 5% that craves the idea of him - the reality of him is not the same. The reality is that he's a selfish man with lots of problems. I need to protect myself this time. This is about self-preservation more than anything else. I love myself more than him. By far.

But why does it have to be this hard?

I can't wait until I meet someone who truly wants to love me, not just play games and be a shitty person. I've had more horrible things happen than good at dating and to be honest, the reason I haven't had a date in so long is fear and trauma. I realize this is not "special". I'm not the only one who has gone through these things, everyone goes through this. I just don't know what incentive there is to dating since every time I put my trust in someones hands they literally take it and smash it into 1,000 pieced before dumping me.

Dear God give me the strength to resist this bastard for once and for all!!!!

A Masterpiece

Once upon a time, I dated an artist. It was a very short romance. As most stereotypes, he oozed charisma. His flirtations were a wide net and I was the catch; inescapable. I had no chance the moment he put his arm around my waist and whispered in my ear, “I think we’re going to be trouble.”

The hooks were in deep. But then came the mood swings, the verbal abuse … the other women. He no longer talked with me, but at me. All conversations were art lectures, or therapist appointments in which I played the role of the incompetent therapist. Listening for hours, not able to offer advice, and leaving more perplexed about “us” then when I had walked in. His narcissism and womanizing revealed itself soon enough and that lead to a swift demise.

I went to a music concert recently and this quote from a song stuck out to me:

"Like a flame not allowed to last very long but how fantastic and strong."

(Frontier Ruckus - If the Suns Collapse)

From my end, our relationship was as short as it was intense. But it was not all bad, because I learned some invaluable lessons. I learned what I will allow and what I will not. I learned that I want to be an equal in a partnership, not a fiddler player of the background music to someone else’s life story. The question this short relationship asked of me was, do I want to be the muse or do I want to be the artist, the creator myself? I have learned I am the creator of my own life story.

So this afterthought isn’t about how to date a creative mind. This is about how to cultivate your own creative power, how to become your own creator.

 At some point you must find the strength within yourself to step out from your partner's shadow. Living in the shadow of an artist can be difficult. Artists are contagiously creative, passionate, and emotional.  They brood in thought and like a mood ring can be 50 colors in one day. Not all these traits are bad. But they can effect you negatively if you let them. The American photographer, Lee Miller, met surrealist artist, Man Ray, when she was 22 years old in 1929. She became his lover and muse. While with him, she managed to learn from his photographic techniques, help run his studio, and become an artist. At 25, Miller left Man Ray and Paris to return to New York and establish a portrait and commercial photography studio with her brother Erik as her darkroom assistant.  She would go on to become an acclaimed photographer for Vogue, serving as war correspondent during WWII.

Lee Miller in Hitler's bath Photo: David E. Scherma © Lee Miller ... http://www.pinterest.com/pin/177329304052472517/

Examine yourself. Who are you and what are you creating? The painter, Frida Kahlo, once said, "I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best." Meeting the famous artist Diego Rivera at age 20, Frida wanted his opinion on her work. He replied, “You’ve got talent.” This encouragement and her perseverance would result in the Louvre buying one of her paintings, “The Frame”; the first work by a twentieth-century Mexican artist to be purchased by the renowned museum. Although Kahlo’s fame came posthumously, her authentic sense of self has lived on forever in her art and its admirers. Your creations are eternal.

http://www.friendsofart.net/en/art/frida-kahlo/the-frame

I invite you to create a list of qualities you’d like in an ideal partner. In a 1981 speech given at Yale, the ground-breaking feminist, political activist and journalist, Gloria Steinem stated, “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” Ask yourself if you have the qualities you would like to have in a partner. If you do, that’s great. If you don’t have them, focus on those qualities you lack and see how you can cultivate them. Remember to create your own masterpiece before giving all your paint away to a jackass. Your personal artistry will lead you to making your very own masterpiece if you let it.

http://agypsiblog.com/2013/03/15/femme-fatals-gloria-steinem/

Digital Witness

Millennials: there are no precise dates when the generation starts and ends. Researchers and commentators use birth years ranging from the early 1980s to the early 2000s. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennials

I am considered to be a Millennial. Millennial have some great qualities. We volunteer more, we’re close to our families, and we are consistently open to new innovation and change, particularly when it comes to environmental regulations ... and new dating apps.*http://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2013/09/04/why-you-cant-ignore-millennials/ *

One of the downsides of being a Millennial, is dating as a Millennial. On a recent night when I complained to my mother that I wanted to meet a decent man to date, she replied, “Just get yourself made up and go to the corner bar with a girlfriend!” Unfortunately – or fortunately – it’s not that easy anymore.

We are a generation who is emotionally damaging each other through social networks; due to emotional unavailability and an unrealistic expectation of instant gratification.

It seems our digital selves are determining what happens when we're away from the screen. We meet people on social networks, we judge them from their digital representation (a sexy picture), we select one stands late at night after 5 cocktails and push the tiny glowing flame icon on our iPhone screen. We meet people via the internet. We have important conversations over texting, rather than pick up the phone. We dump people via text, email. How is this behavior shaping us and our emotionally expressive selves? Are we becoming or have we already become a culture that can only express things with acronyms in a 140 character text block?

The idea of meeting people via a dating application, like Tinder, is not new.  This same concept used to be in the medium of a personal ad you could post in the back of a newspaper. “Do you like Pina Coladas? Getting caught in the rain?” Online dating is not a bad thing and I personally know three married couples who met via Ok Cupid and they seem very content. I am all for new ways of communication; they are simply a new medium for the same idea. But at times, I feel like these social networks normalize emotional unavailability or avoidance. If you don’t like someone you don’t text them back, or de-friend them from your facebook.You no longer are "required" to have a conversation with anyone. You can disappear. Or so you think.

How do we get over past romantic paramours if all romantic attachments are frozen in a digital world? Each email of past lovely flirtations, every picture taken together, all instant messages are archived. They continue there, living and breathing frozen in time. In the past, if you stopped dating someone you never saw them again unless desired. Now, we can be ambushed by anyone from our past out of the blue.  Getting a blast from the past can become a daily ritual. Of course, deleting, and de-friending help with this predicament, but Google memorializes our every infatuation and breakup whether we like it or not. If cutting someone off suddenly from text or Facebook is a way to disappear, I would argue it's not working.

We need to be careful not to become detached. Numb to the face behind the profile page.  Behind there, there is a person of worth with something to offer you. If not a positive attribute, a lesson to be learned, a story to share. 

A second element Millenials need to focus on is "time." We exist in an instant gratification culture where we can get any song, food, or Netflix series delivered to us in no more than thirty minutes. Although we speed through our digital days, love remains one of the few things you cannot make instant. It’s true, if lucky you could feel an instant connection or attraction, but time is what creates true love.  Reading an “About me” section on a profile does not mean you now are compatible and know everything about that person. We are complex, beautiful beings and that is not translated on the web. Except for those digital copies of great works; the Mona Lisa, A Beatles song on Spotify. Those things do express the human experience. 

I am hoping we use this current dating world to our advantage; use it as a tool to initiate conversation, but not use it to replace our voice. Selecting someone from Tinder can be done, but once you select them, go on a date and get to know them. Don’t just have a 30 minute "hook-up" and peace out. You weren’t made for that. You were made to be loved and cared for on an emotionally open level. 

I am holding out for the serendipitous meeting in the coffee shop line, accidentally bumping into a handsome man at the gallery, the plane seat introduction, picking up my crushed tomatoes off the farmer’s market floor, but not alone. 

Dating as a Millennial: WTF.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Oscar Wilde

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Millennials: there are no precise dates when the generation starts and ends. Researchers and commentators use birth years ranging from the early 1980s to the early 2000s. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennials

I went to the Red Derby this weekend. I spoke to a Frenchman for 40 minutes who then told me he was married - "I haf tu mayke a confeshion"- he wasn't wearing his ring.  I then spoke to a very hawt man who took my number and then immediately told me his gf is moving away in two weeks. WTF.

I'm trying to no longer complain about the DC dating scene. But before I stop complaining, I wanted to explore questions I am SO CONFUSED by in today's dating world.

Am I asking too much? 
What I'm looking for is a man who wants to take me on dates, and ultimately, only wants to sleep w/ me, exclusively. I do not want a husband, partner, roommate. I guess what I want is called a "boyfriend."  Not a hook-up, a one night stand, a fling, or "friend-with-benefits".  Nothing is wrong with any of these situations. If I was in that place right now in my life, I'd be into that, but right now I'm looking for more.

Am I old fashioned and unrealistic?
Right now I'm looking for a little commitment. I want to know I am respected and the only one they are sleeping with. And if they do not want to do that anymore, that is fine. I just want to be dumped before they sleep w/ someone else.

Does what I want no longer exist?
I still do not believe I am asking for THAT much. Yes, I am asking for mutual respect, time, love and affection, honesty.  But I guess these things increase in rarity as I get older.

Is this the new normal?  Am I the only one who didn't get the memo/isn't into casually hooking-up w/ no emotions or feelings? 
Some of my friends date w/ no strings attached; meaning they are in casual amorphous relationships.  They never know if the man/woman they are dating is "here to stay," never going to call them again, or if they even want to be in the current state. They are open to any and all possibilities. Maybe if I didn't care as much I'd be there. But right now, I do not want to spend time with a man who "isn't sure" I am worth his time and respect.

Some of my friends are virgins - yes i know, i didn't believe it as first either - and are waiting.

Some of my friends exclusively have sporadic one night stands, nothing more.

Some of my friends are seeking all the qualities of a relationship - minus the commitment. These are mostly my male friends. They want companionship, sex & fun, but do not want to be called a boyfriend and want to have sex w/ anyone else whenever they want. ISN'T THAT SWEET. But - these men are upfront from the beginning. So - I cannot label them as liars. They are honest - at least :(

My friend, M, from NYC described the way I feel about dating beautifully:
"You know that feeling when you've been hungry for a really long time, and then you pass the hunger feeling and no longer feel hungry anymore? The effort to eat outweighs the desire, so you just go to bed?"

My feelings about dating are this EXACT analogy. I want to meet a nice guy but I do not want to try online dating. The effort and work one puts in "finding" someone is not something I am currently up for. I just want it to happen on it's own. But does that even happen anymore in this world?!
 
I have never used an online dating app or website. I am scared of them and also I do not want to date that badly. I don't have the time to invest, so why am I complaining? If I don't have the time to search, maybe I don't have time for a relationship?

Also right now my life is drama free. And that is something I want to continue.
I whine about all this a lot and I will try to stop. But it is hard when what you want isn't available to you.  Like anyone, I miss the affection or attention of a man. It's icing on the cake. But I need to remember how good the cake tastes w/out icing.

 Sometimes I worry I will become desperate and eventually lower my standards. I hope I never do that.

Anywho - my new goal is to continue dating myself and not worry/whine about dating. Here's to DAY ONE.


To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Oscar Wilde

deep sea, baby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWxuY4SYtaA


 

"I Follow Rivers"

Oh I beg you, can I follow
Oh I ask you why not always
Be the ocean where unravel
Be my only, be the water and I'm wading
You're my river running high, run deep run wild

I I follow, I follow you deep sea baby
I follow you
I I follow, I follow you, dark boom honey
I follow you

He a message, I'm the runner
He's the rebel, I'm the daughter waiting for you
You're my river running high, run deep run wild


I I follow, I follow you deep sea baby
I follow you
I I follow, I follow you, dark boom honey
I follow you

You're my river running high, run deep run wild
I, I follow, I follow you deep sea baby,
I follow you
I, I follow, I follow you, dark boom honey,
I follow you
I, I follow, I follow you deeps sea baby,
I follow you
I, I follow, I follow you, dark boom honey,
I follow you

I, I follow, I follow you deeps sea baby,
I follow you
I, I follow, I follow you, dark boom honey,
I follow you

Bee-friending

Bee-friending yourself

The apiary is a small one, which only a select few know about. It’s located in the courtyard of a monastery.  You can see the monks walking around, or visitors who’ve booked a weekend to get lost from their lives.  There are no cell phones or laptops allowed, and the rooms have no clocks. Yet, no one is alone at the monastery and everyone depends on one another for encouragement, love, food, and peace of mind. Like the bees I tend to at the monastery, the monks and visitors depend on each other to make a thriving community. The stronger the hive the sweeter the honey.

A year ago, I sat on the DC metro thinking about what it would be like to live here.  What would a new life in DC look like?  What kind of friends would I have and where would I get my haircut? I’d have to leave everything I had built to find that out. 

As I was flying back from DC to Austin I got the call.  I was offered the job and four weeks later I was migrating from Austin, Texas to D.C. After three years of living a sweltering, magical existence in Austin, scarfing down breakfast tacos and causing a ruckus on east 6th street, my time in the city had come to a close.  The thirst I felt in Austin was getting drier and I needed to search in another direction. I loved my friends, but they could always fly to come visit me. I had no family, mortgage, or paramour.  I left in three weeks.  If it didn’t fit in a box it was sold on Craigslist.  If it couldn’t be sold it went to the curb and was promptly gone the next morning. Austin being a city of transients, everyone there likes a good deal.

Bees leave their hives for many reasons.  One type of flight is called a “foraging flight” in which the bee flies out of the hive in a random direction in search of nectar, honeydew, pollen, or water. I was seeking sweeter nectar.

I left with a bang. My last weekend I managed to have a fling with the co-worker I’d been infatuated with for a year. It didn’t help that he wasn’t single, but the intensity felt in such a short period made my takeoff that much more charged with rocket fuel.  I felt I had come to Austin how I was leaving it; open to change, slightly heartbroken, confident I was making the right decision.  For the second time in my life I was ready to live in a city where no one knew my name.

The first few weeks you move to a new place are thrilling, exhilarating. You walk around the streets with a smile on your face.  Every face entrances you; every building arch you’re enamored by is one you’ve never seen before.  The inevitable daily drudge has yet to muck up this new city you live in, and for those first few weeks all you can see are the possibilities, the promise, places you never knew existed.

After the first three months faded, real feelings began to set in.  Not the fun ones. I felt achingly alone.  I’d moved before to a different city without knowing anyone, but this time I felt hollower on the inside. I missed the fast fling I had left in Austin, even though I knew there was no way it would’ve worked out with him anyhow.

A week later I got into my first bike accident ever.  In Austin I had lived as a commuter cyclist, with no car for three years and never got in an accident.  This accident in DC seemed even scarier since I wasn’t wearing a helmet. There I was, glass and blood coming out of my forehead from the cut above my eyebrow, dribbling down my favorite late-summer slip dress onto the Adams Morgan concrete beneath me. I could hear the shrieking ambulance sirens approaching.

It was harder to make friends in DC.  Unlike Austin where I had had a grad program acting as a crutch for early friendships, here it was different.  No community to lean on.  Who was I in this new place?

I guess I thought that once I finished high school, studied abroad, graduated college, got my Masters, paid my own bills, lived in a city as a single, independent woman, every question mark I ever had in my head would turn into a period. Instead they all just turned into ellipses and I wondered what I “needed” to do next.  What was next on the checklist? I couldn’t move to a new city again. There was no escape plan in that exhausted idea. 

A man! A man was the only thing missing from my checklist. Maybe once I had him all the ellipses would be periods. Finally, I could take a nap and get some rest. If I had only known the ways of the bees months before I wouldn’t have come to this fear based conclusion. In the hive community the Queen bee births all the brood (offspring). She is the sole source of life. Without her presence there is no hive. It is not a patriarchal system. Although the Queen bee does need Drones (male bees) to produce brood, she relies on her fellow Worker bees (sterile female bees) to help her and the hive thrive and stay strong.

Did I mention I have a proclivity for Ernest Hemingway-like men who are much older than me and make me feel like shit about myself? Well I started dating one of those men. He would fix it all. These months of my heart being high-jacked were ones of struggle, no appetite, and tears. All my energy was spent trying to impress him, getting to know him, lusting after him.  I had no energy or foresight to go make new friends. He would be my key to new friends, a new life; happiness. I was constantly trying to convince this drone that I was worth loving. I listened to him talk a lot, but never did much of the talking. I nodded so much I probably looked like a bobble head. I felt like one too. My head wasn’t really connected to the rest of my body so my soul felt like a big jumbled mess, confused between the head and the heart of my plastic existence.

I was being inauthentic.  I remember sending a “Merry Christmas” email to Ernest Hemingway only to get a response a month later saying, “Sorry we lost touch - you know how that happens when people date?” Another bold, searing question mark. I was back at the beginning. I couldn’t take anymore question marks. 

Darwin was bothered that he could not rationalize the fact that sterile Worker bees would display altruism towards the Queen.  Where did this will come from if they were unable to be encouraged by the possibility of offspring? One theory, “Kin selection,” explains that worker bees are more related to each other than they are to their parents. By helping each other, they are helping themselves to produce a strong, thriving hive, in which genes can be passed down for the generations.

 I didn’t need a drone to complete me. What I needed to practice was Kin selection; find a hive to shelter myself from this raging tornado of abandonment. I didn’t know it yet, but by engaging in a community, I would find strength as well as enhance the community’s purpose. This was the only way I’d feel I was helping myself find the periods to the sentences.

Ever the academic as my student loan debt can confirm, I signed up for an urban bee keeping class. Why Urban bee keeping?  I had never been stung by a bee in my life, much less kept a bee hive. I live in an apartment complex in DC with no backyard. I knew I wouldn’t be building a hive my first bee season, but I wanted to learn about bees. They seemed like a blue print for a perfect community. They seemed so in sync with one another and mysterious to me. 

When a new Queen Bee is introduced to the hive, she is lowered into a hive encased in a glass vessel, with a cork made from sugar.  As the weeks go by, the bees get used to the Queen and her pheromones as they slowly eat away the sugar cork.  I desperately wanted someone to eat away at my sugar cork and let me burst free from this glass house I’d been living in.

My class became my colony; the hive from which I entered and was enriched by. Each Saturday I woke up early to get to bee class.  I even had a man ask for me to sleep over at his house after a long night of kissing. I wasn’t feeling him that strongly anyways, but it was fun to say, “I can’t, I have an urban bee class tomorrow morning!” and receive the strangest face ever. That’s how I knew he wasn’t really for me. The bees saved me from another Ernest Hemingway.

I no longer cared about completing my checklist. I only cared about the bees, and questioning the question marks. What else did I want to do now that I had freed myself from a checklist existence? What else was I here to do?

My purpose is not to be the world’s greatest bee keeper. But taking the class got me out of my comfort zone, led me to question my insecurities, embrace new people, and make new friendships. Even if I was a newbie and had no clue what I was talking about when it came to bees, I was now a part of a community. There was no winning or losing and all my hellos were received with smiles when I sat in my classroom chair.

 

Because of bee class I had someone to spend a Sunday brunch with. And not just one person, but a swarm of people. As I sat on the patio that Sunday, sipping a mimosa under the early spring sun in the cool breeze with my new found friends, I realized there were periods at the end of the sentences in my head. And the ones that ended in question marks did not scare me anymore. I had found my place in the hive.

Roman Geisha

last night i went to a birthday party. then the whole party went to a bar. at the bar i was approached by an older, Roman banker. It's as if God knows my biggest temptations. We flirted all night. Talked about Italy. Then we started talking about relationships. Then we found ourselves at a 24 hour diner because there was still so much to talk about. And then we talked about his marriage. we left the diner and both walked towards our different lives.

Nothing happened but good conversation. It wasn't about dating, sex, or exchanging numbers - that never happened; it was about talking to a stranger and the enjoyment of that. But i don't know why I entertain unavailable men. Was I a Geisha in a past life?

It's something I'm working on, and it makes me hate bars and it makes me hate dating in a way i never have before.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

WORD. new anthem.

When we used
To say goodnight
I'd always kiss
And hold you tight
But lately
You don't seem
To care
You close the door
And leave me
Standing there
Oh, honey
That's not fair
That's it
I quit
I'm movin' on

The other night
We had a date
And you showed up
Two hours late
And though your hair
Was all in place
Somebody smeared
Their lipstick
On your face
Oh, they smeared it
Every place
Yeah that's it honey
I quit I'm movin' on

Oooohhhh

You made me want you
You made me leave you
You made me tumble
And fall
But if I
Can't have you the way
I want you
I don't want you at all

Baby, I can take a lot
Cause I love
Everything you got
Though your kisses
Fill me
So if you got
Someone else
I gotta go
Oh, that you know
Yeah that's it honey
I quit I'm movin' on

Oooohhhh

You made me want you
You made me leave you
You made me tumble
And fall
But if I
Can't have you the way
I want you
I don't want you at all

Baby
I can take a lot
Cause I love
Everything you got
Though your kisses
Fill me
So if you got
Someone else
I gotta go
Oh, that you know
So that's it baby
I quit now I'm movin' on
So that's it baby
I quit now
I'm movin' on

looking in and out

this year was a doozy in good and bad ways. it was extremely stressful at times.

in jan-april of this year i was frantically searching for a new job, knowing my contract would end June 1st.

I got a new, better paying, more fulfilling job in May of this year which was a huge relief. This job just happened to be in the next city i wanted to live in, which is also a plus.

I moved across the country in May to start my new life out here, a new chapter. The past several months have been thrilling, very lucky, lonesome, full of laughter, tears, sexy, and heartache.  I barely went home this year and that is one thing i am changing in the new year. I saw my parents twice. Seeing my family grounds me. This year was so full of change and I was alone to deal with all of that. My move, bike accident, ill-fated relations with men. It's hard when you move to a new city and go thru all that shit alone. But - this is growing up, this is becoming who you are meant to be, this is making you better.

Another crazy phase I'm in right now is that I'm suffering from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory syndrome.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[last lines]
Willy Wonka: But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
Charlie Bucket: What happened?
Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.
[hugs Charlie]
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I recently have had the most blessed experience of getting everything you've worked hard for, wish desperately for, wanted for a very long time. I feel guilty that I'm not insanely happy. But I am insanely grateful.

But for some reason I still feel like there is something else. Yet, I do not know what that "else" is. I've been going to yoga and church trying to meditate on the finding the answer. I'm writing more every day. I'm trying to dream new dreams for myself. I constantly ask, "what is next for me to do?" "what am i supposed to do next?"

But i realize these aren't really the questions i should be asking. I think where I am right now is where I am meant to be.

I'm going to try to let my heart guide me - as i always have - for the next few months. Maybe my intuition will guide me to my next goals. I know I've always wanted to get published. And maybe this is the time to pay attention to that wish? I also want to volunteer and contribute to my surrounding community.

I wish I was growing in reverse like Benjamin Button. I believe I was born at age 40 and have been trying to gain immaturity since birth. "Lightening up" is difficult for me to do. I'm a serious thinker and creator and sometimes i get lost in those heavy thoughts. Another personal goal of mine is to not take life so seriously.


All i know for sure at this time in my life is the twenties are a weird, wild, terrifying and ecstatic ride. 

AHAB HAS CAUGHT THE WHITE WHALE, bitches.

The white whale came over to watch a movie in my turf last night. We ended up cuddling and then smooching as long as we could.

We're trying to stay in an introductory phase for as long as we can. We don't wanna get ahead of ourselves. Even though we find each other incredibly attractive. He is a man's man. Tall, dark (silver fox actually), Italian (meaning he speaks it sometimes which is...!!!), and so so very handsome. and the whole occupation doesn't hurt either. there is a high voltage charge between us that's too much to temper at times, but i'm going to try.

On the subject of books, The White Whale said, he only reads historical narratives.

i chided him and said he isn't giving reading a chance if he's only reading one genre. He replied, "i've read Moby Dick four times, though."

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT.
that was almost too crazy to believe. 

We watched a George Clooney film and then i put on Roman Holiday. The white whale said,
"Gregory Peck is best in the old version of Moby Dick."

 

WHATTTTTTTTT.

yes, y'all. this really happened. Ms. Ahab finally caught her fish and my did it taste so succulent.

I'm excited to see what the future holds for us. This time I'm excited because we are taking it at a glacial pace. This is a new concept to me. But I've reached a point in my life where I'd rather take my sweet time and invest, rather than waste it all in one shot and be disappointed.

PSA: To Men who DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

Saturday night my friend asked me to go to a DC comedy showcase with her.  I had nothing to do after i came back from the exhibit and i thought, "well sure, what the hell i have nothing else going on."

She told her friend J that i was coming with. WELL J is friends with the LAWYER. the lawyer that took me to Le Diplomat - the lawyers that took me on a bunch of awesome dates and reminds me of the comedian Louie CK - for vague reasons - the lawyer i wanted to see more of..sorta.  And this LAWYER was going to the comedy show as well.

My roomie texted J to tell him i was coming. He responded with, "um no. don't bring her." So I guess J didn't want me to go, due to his friend not liking me. The lawyer hasn't spoken to me in 3 weeks and dropped off the face of the earth. It sucks, but it's ok.

Here's my issue with this situation.
Situation: When you go on multiple dates with a man and nothing is wrong and you have fun and that man you went on the dates with suddenly drops off of the face of the planet.

I'd much prefer that instead of you DROPPING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH, to tell me in person/via text that you want to be friends instead. EVEN IF YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS, at least humor me and tell me in person, "you'd rather be friends". If you tell me "i want to be friends" i will take it as you are no longer interested in seeing me," not as "we are friends." i'm not stupid and i know code words and phrases just like you do b/c i have used them before as well. Idiot.

This way, i do not have to have you in the maybe category. i can have you in the NO category. i can give my attention to the other men i am dating and stop wasting a thought on you.

I realize why you don't want to tell me and would rather DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH than do so. I realize you want to have the easy way out. You think that if you never say anything it's better than possibly hurting my feelings. you think i will forget about you OR you think if you never CLEARLY break it off, at some point you can call me again months later and i will respond with wanting to fuck you. SOMEHOW THIS MAKES SENSE IN YOUR MIND.

#1 - if you never clearly break it off, i'm MORE likely to remember it, and MORE LIKELY to be MORE UPSET WITH YOU - not forget it. It's decent to tell me you're not interested. I realize it's hard BUT PUT YOUR BIG BOY PANTS ON AND COMMUNICATE. TELL ME THE TRUTH. i promise it is better than letting me just be irrationally mad at you. if you told me, I'd know it was because you were not attracted to me - physically, intellectually, ___________ly.

#2 - if you think that I'm going to WANT TO FUCK YOU after you avoiding me for several months like i have the bubonic plague THEN YOU ARE AN IDIOT and need to not ever meet another woman again, in order to spare future generations of carrying on your stupidity in their genetic make-up.

So since i was DIS-INVITED to the comedy show b/c this LAWYER could not gather the balls to simply text or tell me in person he was no longer interested in me - I went to my friends' M & B's house and watched the Red Wings game. It was very fun. We won! And then i went to a Bocce Ball bar w/ my cousin and his friends - which was drunk and good and what i wanted to do that this Saturday night.


At this point if LAWYER contacts me it would just be pointless, so i don't really care now. I'm fine with the idea that he's "just not that into me." I just wish men were more able to eloquently express their feelings. It's totally cool if you don't dig me. Just don't DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH or give me silent treatment. It just makes me feel shittier than if you would've told the truth in the first place.

commodifying love

In the recent days, I've noticed many posts on my facebook relate to weddings and babies. and that's all fine. There are different stages we go through in our life and when we are happy about those stages we want to celebrate and share them with others.

My issues with this is when it becomes a carefully curated thing, losing all genuineness and sincerity - it's more about what others see than what you see or how you feel about it [loving relationships]. Because in the scenarios I'm about to mention, you're seeking approval from the world,  not your own self or your partner.

I've been seeing a new trend in wedding videography where people HAVE TRAILERS for their wedding video. What is this? Besides your family and close friends who will be buying this? What is the purpose of sharing intimate moments ("first look", walk down the aisle, notes from each other, vows) to every person on the internet, including people who do not know you?

I feel like weddings and private celebrations have become sick opportunities to "out-do" your peers, show-off. Prove or perhaps create a life you don't actually lead. What does it matter what strangers think of your private life?

What happened to proposals being a private affair between two people who are madly in love? I know see proposal videos everywhere - extravagant, choreographed flash mobs??? What has society become. Nothing is sacred I guess. We are not celebrities. We are not significant public figures. We are people living our lives.
 









 



Another thing I've seen is posts about newlyweds cooking for their husbands - IN PICTURES WITH APRONS ON. I understand your excitement. But you have been raised in a post-Women's movement generation. You're essentially back-pedaling when you post patriarchal, old school photos of you "cookin' for your man." It's great you are a loving partner. But where are his pictures of himself in AN APRON COOKING FOR YOU? or does he just sit and watch football and drink beers while you slave in the kitchen? BECAUSE IF SO, THAT'S BULLSHIT.  You love your husband and your life - but why not show that in a non-misogynistic way? Gardening together, out together? These things put you on even levels not in a demeaning, old-school social realm that needs to die off. You are re-enforcing a very bad stereotype.

 










Or perhaps, if you do get joy out of that why do you want to show that on FB? Why would others who are not you or your husband care or be happy about that happening? If you do that does that mean you have a perfect marriage and are a "good" partner?




I guess if it is important for you for people to know every moment in your life and approve of the way you live your life, that's fine. Whatever floats your boat. I just think the constant commodification of love is really disgusting to me as an outsider and I feel it takes away a lot of the private mysteries you share as a couple.


 



It seems with my generation everyone needs to know everything about you and "if there are no pictures it didn't happen."

I think that is a horrible way to live one's life. It also feeds into some sort of self-entitlement or ego problem you need to get rid of. The ego can be a very ugly, ugly thing if fed too often.

last night's dream

i dreamt i was dancing on a wedding-guest-like dance floor with Louie CK to "Video Killed the Radio Star."  I know all the reasons i had this dream but it is too personal and embarrassing for this blog. But it's weird how dreams tell you things you need to know. Or things you were trying not to know or listen to - until you are forced to embody them while sleeping with no way to avoid.

Even your subconscious wants to help you.

The Forever Empty.

"Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It's the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than buy into struggle and complaint. The challenge is to let it soften us rather than make us more rigid and afraid."

~ Pema Chödrön




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c

Why Louis CK is a genius and the amazing points he makes: 

1. Why should your kid "get" something because everyone else has it, yet the thing that everyone else has isn't necessarily good for them to have. Why blindly follow every societal rule? Don't we have too many really STUPID ones to follow? ie: doing things society tells us, because that's normal, ie: 9-5 jobs, marriage, house, kids when you don't want those things (different story when you truly want them). By giving your child the idea they should FOLLOW every stupid trend you're already setting them up to be sheep. 
2. Cell phones take away your ability for empathy. Especially if you are a kid, learning what empathy feels like.
3. Cell phones numb you from your reality.
4. Knowing how to "just be" is an amazing life skill. Sometimes - believe it or not - you will not have any technology around you. You will be alone or in nature (if you're lucky and/or so inclined). You will have no one to talk to and just the quiet of your mind to be with. As Louis says, "that is what being a human being is."
5. Goes back to #3 but, i TRULY believe people have become less comfortable w/ their emotions, thus wanting to dull those emotions with other drugs/technology/sex/medications and instead of feeling feelings, just take away any feeling. I feel like Americans in particular have this absurd idea that you are meant to have a default emotion of HAPPY at all times. Which is insane. Again, i think this is a COMPLETELY different story if you know you need medication for your well being.  Our bodies' chemistry are not all made the same and i realize medication is a needed component for helping people in order to live a full, healthy, happy life  who may otherwise not be able to w/out those meds. 
6. THE FOREVER EMPTY. This is something that no one talks about enough! It's like we are supposed to numb this feeling and not acknowledge having it- when really emotions like this - happy, sad, confused, angry make us all equal and make us able to relate to and respect each other better. 
7. Crying feels really really good. 
8. i love Louis CK. He says stuff that no one else is saying. And he makes me feel like America isn't THAT stupid/too far gone into complete cerebral decline. 
9. Also - did anyone else notice how nervous the audience sounds? Fascinating how his points are so true. People are uncomfortable with this subject matter. And i don't know if that's a good thing. 

Freedom is not worth having unless it includes the freedom to make mistakes.

The Downtown Lights.

"Downtown Lights"

Sometimes I walk away
When all I really wanna do
Is love and hold you right
There is just one thing I can say
Nobody loves you this way
It's all right, can't you see
The downtown lights

In love we're all the same
We're walking down an empty street
And with nobody comin' on me
Empty street, empty night
The downtown lights

How do I know you feel it
How do I know you feel it
How do I know you feel it
How do I know it's true
Yea...
It's alright

Tonight and every night
Let's go walking down this empty street
Let's walk in the cool evening night
Wrong or right, be at my side
The downtown lights...
It will be all right
It will be all right
The downtown lights

How do I know you feel it
How do I know you feel it
How do I know you feel it
How do I know it's true
It's alright
It's alright
The downtown lights
Yea yea

Neons, every cigarettes
The rented rose and rented cars
The crowded streets, the empty bars
Chimney-tops, the trumpets
The golden lights, the loving prayers
Colored shoes, the empty trains
I'm tired of crying on the stairs
The downtown lights 

 

 It will be all right
It will be all right
The downtown lights

 

Nothing can be done

Come a rain storm put your rubbers on your feet
Comes a snow storm you can get a little heat
Comes love nothing can be done
Comes a fire then you know just what to do
Blow a tire You can buy another shoe
Comes love nothing can be done
Don’t try hidin?
'Cause there isn’t any use
You’ll start slidin?
When your heart turns on the juice
Comes a headache you can lose it in a day
Comes a toothache see the dentist right away
Comes love nothing can be done!

Comes a heat wave you can hurry to the shore
Comes a summons you can hide behind the door
Comes love Nothing can be done
Comes the measles you can quarantine the room
Comes a mousie you can chase it with a broom
Comes love nothing can be done
That’s all brother
If you’ve ever been in love
That’s all brother
You know what I’m speaking of!
Comes a nightmare you can always stay awake
Comes depression you may get another break
Comes love nothing can be done!



WC's world came crashing down today and unfortunately i got to be "apart" of it.

I was solicited to speak to WC via fb chat and it turns out it wasn't really WC,  it was his 7 year live-in gf? i was messaging with this live-in gf. She messaged me seconds later to tell me it was her, how i ruined her life, blah blah blah.

although i do feel bad, i have to believe i was not the reason, but a factor in the demise.

i can tell you i have learned i will NEVER ever ever EVER flirt with an attached man.
woooo! what a doozy.
can you imagine if this involved a wife and children? i used to say i drew the line at wife and children, but because of this major fiasco, I'm revising that to "no significant others" PERIOD. 

it's made me think twice about kissing anyone.  


Love is so much more powerful than I once thought.