Up in the air.

Things are up in the air right now.

I pay all my bills, but have no money for fun, travel, or emergencies. I can live poor or I can get a part time job while looking for a job that pays more. My current job cannot offer what I need.

I've applied for a bunch of jobs with the government and still am, but the government jobs take 8 months - 1 year to respond. SO - i need to figure out a temporary fix. 

I've been feeling like a big failure lately, because I have a Masters and thought I'd never have to get a part time job ever again. But I want to put a dent in my loans and like i said, travel more; or even be able to buy myself things! like new clothes and a fancy camera. I've been "living poor" since I moved out of the house at 22. I'm so over being so fucking poor. I realize I chose to live in a REALLY expensive city and i realize I chose to take out student loans.

I would not change getting a Masters because it allows me to go for the career I want more than any other (besides being a writer). And there is no other place in America right now that I'd rather be than in DC. So i do not regret these decisions, I just need to figure shit out in the interim till it gets better. Will it ever get better?

It's the work I must do to not be poor that I'm dreading. I work 40 hours a week already. I'd much rather work at a bookstore or tutor or something, but I know i could make good money waitressing. BUT waitressing is some of the hardest work one could do. It's not easy or relaxing. So do I get a job where i make more money but hate it, or a job i like that i don't make a lot of money at? When the whole point is money ...

MMJC is so so confusing. We've stop "seeing" each other. But we still text/sext each other????

I went on a date with this bartender - he's older, like they all are. I like him but I don't know if he has any drive. But does that matter to me? I'm not looking for a husband. I'm looking for a distraction to my wretched current life stage. Broke in my twenties. I just want to laugh, goddamnit!!!

Another bartender - do you see a pattern? - is trying to woo me in the traditional sense. he's not as old as the other one. But he's always texting me and calling me babe and i find it really annoying.

My ex is still in my life. I call him, he answers, we make love. It's a bad cycle we're in. Think Carrie & Big at there most toxic. That's it. But I don't really long for him anymore, it's more resentment and passion. great combo for a healthy relationship.

I still am obsessed with Marc Maron.

I've been writing a short story or two and sending it in. No publications, but writing is a small part of my life that makes me happier. Like I have something to live for. 

Sometimes I hate the words and advice my family and friends give me.  I know what I have to do but I don't want to. I don't like my problems pointed out to me - I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

A lot of times I just want to give up. Or run away to an island. Life is hard.These days I've been in a depression. I come home and throw the covers over my head. maybe eat or read then sleep. hoping somehow all my problems will all fade away. But they never do.

Thoughts of late, not for the faint of heart.

I thought as I got older I would find more answers, but every year I just have more questions.

The RPJ has wiggled his way back into my life. But the dynamic is different. I no longer care too much about what he thinks, and I do what I want with him. I know this is not a great stage to be on with him, but I'm tired of trying to control it. He is in my life for now and who knows if he will drift out again.

I'd like to date two other men. I'd like to be exclusive. But it seems this is difficult to find. And to be honest, some days I want to be exclusive, but then my actions say I just want to continue to date and have fun. I do not know what I want when it comes to men.

MMJC is a man I'd like to know more. But we are both hippies and do not care to fight for that.  Ha! I spent my entire snow day on Thursday with MMJC. We drank beers and spoke about books, religion, all the big questions.

My 2nd snow day on Friday was spent with RPJ, white whale. We looked at photography books, watched "Gimme Shelter" on the Rolling Stones, Maron and Broad City. We made tacos for dinner and snuggled. We talked about his new documentary also known as his life's work for the past three years. He works so hard and stresses so much. He would die for his work and that is what scares me. He literally has gone over and over again into very dangerous places for his passion. This is what both scares me and intrigues me. We exist in limbo together. When he is with me I enjoy it, but he is always gone. He is going to Chicago and Toronto in the next two weeks. I hope he doesn't go back to conflict work, but that's what he does, it's inevitable. there is no other option. that's why I don't think we can be together. as long as he is going in and out of two worlds like that, there's no use to try.

Saturday morning I was walking to my volunteer tutoring gig. I got to the school and the program leader told me it was cancelled, sorry! So I walked back to my place. on the corner, I hear this deep voice behind me yell, "yo bitch!" I was sooo scared. I thought I was about to get mugged. I turn around and it is MMJC!!! that bastard was laughing, he sure did startle me. He was in the neighborhood checking in on his apartment he rents out. He also was scouting out a house for his gay couple friends in Mexico. They want an old DC house. So me and MMJC went into a house. But it was a complete wreck. Way too much of a fixer upper. When we parted ways we gave a kiss to each other on the sidewalk in broad day light. I liked that.

My hipster crush got into a bike accident last night and split his chin open.  I hope he is ok!!!

I am going to Key West at the end of the month and I plan on taking my time there to re-center and be on a beach and soak in the surroundings. I also am starting to get ancy again and a part of me wants to plot my next adventure. is it bad that I cannot stay in one place too long? is it bad that I do not like to stay too long in one place? I am addicted to change, yet it is also the one thing in this world that scares the shit out of me most. Why is that?

I am torn. I am torn between staying in one place, getting a job that pays more, make a dent in my loans, be responsible, travel more and buy more sophisticated clothes.

The other part of my soul wants to find a job that pays in Italy - short term - go there and write and take pictures and live and discover.

So how would I do this is the big big question. I have no idea. I want to think about that in Key West. A curse and blessing of my personality is that I function better with long term goals. Once I complete goals I must move onto another. It's nice because I get a lot done, but I forget to live in the moment and relish in my accomplishments. Sometimes I burn myself out if i'm not careful - it's not pretty; lots of self-loathing and despair.

I do feel very lucky. there are many blessings in my life. But there is this emptiness, this restlessness I still have that I have no idea how to cure. Maybe just do what I want and that will answer the questions? Life is so mysterious and confusing.
 

Fuck yes

I went out with a friend last night. I had some beers. I showed her pictures of the two drastically older men I'm interested in. One of whom is my ex.

She looked at me and said
"OMG. No. You are way too nice and too funny and too beautiful to date these losers!!! You deserve someone who's going to take you on dates and want to date you."

I got a text from RPJ when i got home.

I called him twice he didn't pick up.

I said I'd rather talk on the phone.

So then I proceed to drop TRUTH BOMBS on his phone.

I don't know if what I did was right.

Basically I told him
Shit or get off the pot. Just in many more words.

I spoke my truth, so I'm not going to feel bad about it. I just hate it when a girl speaks her mind and a man labels her as "psycho or crazy" - when in actuality I'm just looking to cleanse my life of the BULLSHIT which he sprays onto it.

It's so complicated and painful and I don't have time for this shit!!!!

Did I do the "right" thing? Am I missing out on the greatest love of my life? I don't think so, since I would hope the greatest love of my life WOULD ACTUALLY TREAT ME WITH MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE.  i feel the love from him. Just no respect.