how many have you done?

25 Things To Do Before You Turn 25

1. Make peace with your parents. Whether you finally recognize that they actually have your best interests in mind or you forgive them for being flawed human beings, you can’t happily enter adulthood with that familial brand of resentment.

2. Kiss someone you think is out of your league; kiss models and med students and entrepreneurs with part-time lives in Dubai and don’t worry about if they’re going to call you afterward. EVERY WEEKEND.

3. Minimize your passivity.

4. Work a service job to gain some understanding of how tipping works, how to keep your cool around assholes, how a few kind words can change someone’s day.

5. Recognize freedom as a 5:30 a.m. trip to the diner with a bunch of strangers you’ve just met.

6. Try not to beat yourself up over having obtained a ‘useless’ Bachelor’s Degree. Debt is hell, and things didn’t pan out quite like you expected, but you did get to go to college, and having a degree isn’t the worst thing in the world to have. We will figure this mess out, I think, probably; the point is you’re not worth less just because there hasn’t been an immediate pay off for going to school. Be patient, work with what you have, and remember that a lot of us are in this together.

7. If you’re employed in any capacity, open a savings account. You never know when you might be unemployed or in desperate need of getting away for a few days. Even $10 a week is $520 more a year than you would’ve had otherwise.

8. Make a habit of going outside, enjoying the light, relearning your friends, forgetting the internet. 

9. Go on a 4-day, brunch-fueled bender. OH GOD. SO DANGEROUS.

10. Start a relationship with your crush by telling them that you want them. Directly. Like, look them in the face and say it to them. Say, I want you. I want to be with you. EVERY WEEKEND. BUT ONLY THE FIRST PHRASE, NOT THE "BE W/ YOU" ONE. 

11. Learn to say ‘no’ — to yourself. Don’t keep wearing high heels if you hate them; don’t keep smoking if you’re disgusted by the way you smell the morning after; stop wasting entire days on your couch if you’re going to complain about missing the sun.

12. Take time to revisit the places that made you who you are: the apartment you grew up in, your middle school, your hometown. These places may or may not be here forever; you definitely won’t be.

13. Find a hobby that makes being alone feel lovely and empowering and like something to look forward to. WHAT HOBBY IS ONE YOU DO ALONE? LIKE READING? PAINTING, WRITING? I ALREADY DO THOSE BUT I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST CALLED "BEING CREATIVE." WHATEVS. 

14. Think you know yourself until you meet someone better than you. ??? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT ONE. DOES THAT IMPLY YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE? CUZ THAT IS SOME UNDER 25 SOMETHING SHIT RIGHT THERE, FO' REAL. 

15. Forget who you are, what your priorities are, and how a person should be. I DON'T LIKE THIS ONE. I LIKE MY PRIORITIES. IS THAT A BAD THING?

16. Identify your fears and instead of letting them dictate your every move, find and talk to people who have overcome them. Don’t settle for experiencing .000002% of what the world has to offer because you’re afraid of getting on a plane. I FEEL LIKE THIS IS BEYOND 25 YEAR OLD ADVICE AS WELL

17. Make a habit of cleaning up and letting go. Just because it fit at one point doesn’t mean you need to keep it forever — whether ‘it’ is your favorite pair of pants or your ex.

18. Stop hating yourself.

19. Go out and watch that movie, read that book, listen to that band you already lied about watching, reading, listening to.

20. Take advantage of health insurance while you have it.

21. Make a habit of telling people how you feel, whether it means writing a gushing fan-girl email to someone whose work you love or telling your boss why you deserve a raise.

22. Date someone who says, “I love you” first. HAVEN'T DONE THIS YET. MAY NEVER. 

23. Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it. STUDIED ABROAD. NOT THE SAME. 

24. Suck it up and buy a Macbook Pro. I HAVE TO DO THIS ONE.

25. Quit that job that’s making you miserable, end the relationship that makes you act like a lunatic, lose the friend whose sole purpose in life is making you feel like you’re perpetually on the verge of vomiting. You’re young, you’re resilient, there are other jobs and relationships and friends if you’re patient and open. AGAIN I FEEL THIS ONE GOES BEYOND 25.

http://cheesewheels.tumblr.com/post/54315603941/25-things-to-do-before-you-turn-25-1-make-peace

it's a Wednesday night baby and i'm alive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQ2Uj5VslAU

How i want to decorate my new apartment

I can see the National Cathedral from my kitchen window.
The street below my balcony is lined with lampposts and people going somewhere to someone.
i have a rooftop where i plan to have a large cup of coffee on weekend mornings while reading the paper or a good book. if it is too late for coffee i intend to sit out in my polka-dot bikini while licking my homemade cilantro and pineapple popsicles.
recipe here: http://www.blendtec.com/recipes/pineapple_cilantro_ice_pops





and now i have to decorate my room like this:

















yes, i want a hammock and a mosquito net....and lots of flowers or at least fake ones in tin boxes. and a flea market furniture piece i can spray paint turquoise.

and the drinks will be served in these:





i am soooooooooooo freakinggggggggg excited.

DICEY.

i surprised myself last night. i didn't think i'd ACTUALLY do it. I just fantasized about it.

i went to a rogue photo journalist lecture and met my ridiculous crush. it was then or NEVER so i got the gumption and with a small push from my friend, E, i waltzed over......like i was going to vote for my favorite candidate or something and make a difference in the justice system. all business.

my intro line was probably the most awkward, worst, unsuave, creepy thing you could have ever said to someone.

"hi, do you remember me?" i may not even had said the "hi" part.
so wrong. or so right?

 

"..............yes. you're from the [old place of employment] and you had really short hair then."

"yah! i did. [overly excited reaction b/c his statement proved he knew who the fuck i was.]

"well i moved here from [city i used to live in] b/c i got a new job as [new job title] and I decided to come this thing tonight." wtffffff derp derp babble. his reaction:


 


"yah. well do you have my email?"

"uhhhmmm, no,"

he reaches into his jacket to get his phone out and give me his email.

"umm unless it's on your professional website or something?"

"ya. it's on there. email me and we'll get a beer sometime. cuz i live here in D.C."

"oh...yeah....alright."

he awkwardly runs from me and i so the same.

i have no idea if this was a victory or a fail. i guess victory since he kept his freaked-out-ness somewhat at bay and suggested beers. People who are freaked out by you don't offer you beer time, or do they?


 



i'm shelving this recent advancement in this hot man pursuit. i think i'll email him in a week or so for beers. he will most likely not answer or feign illness, relocation, out-of-country-for-job-six-months situation.  The reason i'm soooo not going to have high expectations for this one is due to this crush being WAY out of my league. and WAY older. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i think if you aren't embarrassing yourself at least once a week you aren't truly living. and i can say with full confidence I'm quite dicey right now. ;)

We'll have to now give him an acronym, like all the other have gotten.

As a refresher here is what they are:

HTSP = hot tempered spanish painter
IMOM = international man of mystery

and the new one will be,
RPJ = rogue photo journalist

brandy alexander

originally from:  http://www.gastronomista.com/2013/01/brandy-alexander-day-you-say.html#.Ucw9ym0kTO0

AND THIS SONG BY FEIST: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMGq_6GouyI

woman of heart and mind

I am a woman of heart and mind
With time on her hands
No child to raise


You come to me like a little boy
And I give you my scorn and my praise


You think I'm like your mother
Or another lover or
your sister
Or the queen of your dreams



Or just another silly girl
When love makes a fool of me


After the rush when you come back down
You're always disappointed
Nothing seems to keep you high
Drive your bargains
Push your papers
Win your medals
Fuck your strangers
Don't it leave you on the empty side




I'm looking for affection and respect
A little passion


And you want stimulation-nothing more
That's what I think
But you know I'll try to be there for you
When your spirits start to sink


All this talk about holiness now
It must be the start of the latest style
Is it all books and words
Or do you really feel it?
Do you really laugh?
Do you really care?
Do you really smile
When you smile?


You criticize and you flatter
You imitate the best
And the rest you memorize
You know the times you impress me most
Are the times when you don't try




When you don't even try

if i had an orchard

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see
And now after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me

But I don't, I don't know what that will be
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see




If I had an orchard, I'd work till I'm raw
If I had an orchard, I'd work till I'm sore
And you would wait tables and soon run the store








Gold hair in the sunlight, my light in the dawn
If I had an orchard, I'd work till I'm sore
If I had an orchard, I'd work till I'm sore

A goddamn marathon

ex- secret lover emailed me 5 times last night. then i responded. i told him even if he did move here i couldn't guarantee anything. he emailed me back and told me to never contact him again. even though i didn't initiate the emails/contact, i still feel a bit blue. he was harsh in his last email. understandably, but it hurt my feelings.

i'm not delusional and can't pretend like having a man move half way across the country for me and quit his job would be a great idea. i won't have much to lose if it didn't work out. but he will have essentially uprooted his entire life to be with me. that's too much responsibility for me to handle.  

fulfilled

this past weekend i spoke over beers about fulfillment. We had a discussion on whether it is important for your job to fulfill you or not.

i feel that it is a privilege if your job  fulfills you.  Very few people in this world get to "choose" their living.

I personally believe it is a very American, unrealistic viewpoint to look for a job to fulfill you. I think it is a noble idea, but I believe one is able to have a shitty job and find fulfillment in other areas of their life. Charles Bukowski, much?

I suppose the person i was having the discussion with was right in the sense that that would be an ideal outcome, but honestly if everyone had a job that fulfilled them there would be no janitors, or septic tank people. I'm sorry is that the Capitalism that you hear in my voice?

I think my profession fulfills a part of me, but not all of me. Writing, singing and being with family and friends is great. And once a week to have a night-in to oneself is a great refresher. Maybe I'm selling my dreams short, but not every goal needs to be triumphant and victorious. Some are just some simple sweet nothings in the ear.

Station agent

"You entered Farragut North early last morning and never exited properly"
No shit, Sherlock. Thanks for the entry back in.

early morning
"eh, your cards not working. here, come thru with me."

"thanks."
waddles to car.

how the nights end here in D.C.

I'll make you sorry

men can be so mean sometimes.

just remember:

I'm not your mother's favorite dog
I'm not the carpet you walk on
I'm not one small atomic bomb
I'm not anything at all

I'm not the feather at your feet
I'm not your yellow brick street
I'm not anyone you'll see
I'm not anything

Now, now now, now now, now

You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that I'll make you sorry

I'm not the pawn to your king
I'm not your world on a string
I'm not anyone you'll beat
I'm not anything

Now, now now, now now, now

You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that say you're sorry
You don't mean that I'll make you sorry

they don't believe they will be alive much longer, or are surprised they still are

At first i thought i was joking but now i really think i am going to pursue this whole war photography groupie thing. it's a niche group and there probably won't be too much competition. kidding aside.....

they may not be a fun bunch though, those men who are clicking away at horrifying images in dangerous, distant lands. Or maybe they are Hunter S. Thompson-like? Euphorically, deeply, almost irrationally living every moment with unfathomable gusto and hedonism (b/c they don't believe they will be alive much longer, or are surprised they still are)?

i suppose they'd have a lot to say and not say.

i'm going to a war photography lecture this week and i will report back.
if it all goes according to plan i will be describing geographic regions. or camera lenses. whichever i pay more attention to.
most likely i will not meet any of these photographers. I'll just realize my day job does nothing to awaken and prove the injustices of humanity and i will stumble into a bar before going home to listen to classical music.
the other extreme would be that i become obsessed with war photography, take a photography class desperately fail and then hate it with a passion.

the questions i'd like to ask a war photographer are:

• Why do you choose to put yourself in dangerous places, for what purpose? What is the driving force for your work? One could be safe taking "calendar pictures of Tuscany" yet you insert yourself into danger voluntarily. 
• What is the message you want your photos to deliver to an indifferent American public?
• Why didn't you become a soldier?
• How do you earn the respect of the soldiers you're near?
• Do you have survivor's guilt?
• What does it feel like to stare death in the face (specifically, from behind the camera lens)?
• How does your work not make you lose faith in humanity? 
• When you take pictures are you disconnected from what is going on, purely observer? How do you not panic and freak out when there are bombs and bullets and bodies flying all around you? 

These are some of the questions I'd like to ask but I'll never know. We shall see. 

Also i think this is an automatic groupie fail b/c I'm just too GD happy all the time to be tolerable to these men. I'm sure of it. 

walk naked around the house

I saw my dream apartment today. the only problem is if i rent it i will only have $600.00 to live off every month. I am sick of being poor. I'd rather spend less on an apartment so I can have that extra glass of wine and never have to call my parents for money ever ever again when there is an "emergency".

I could do it. I could live off $600.00  a month and have the perfect apartment. But doesn't that seem silly since, i'd have an amazing place but I'd still be poor? All dressed up with nowhere to go.

it sucks b/c the only way i'll have a place in the location i want to live in is with roommates. whom i'm sure will be certifiably insane. I'm really sick of having roommates and wish i could live alone for once in my life.

besides roommates, I'd also like to feel at home in a future abode. w/ roommates i always feel like i am walking on egg shells. cooking and showering must be timed properly and delegated tasks have to be executed. i just want to live alone and have a lemon juicer and an ice cream maker to make honey lavender ice cream and then walk naked around the house and possibly after that listen to my records while drinking scotch and crying to some of the lyrics. that's all i really want.

to be a brazen hussy

i am in love with a rogue photo journalist/artist who does not know i exist.
i think if he knew it would take all the fun out of it, but i do desperately want him to know...eventually.
i have decided to be a brazen hussy and ask him out in the most unassuming way possible. actually, not even ask out, just hint at it. i'm not stupid enough to be that direct.

i did this via FB which i believe to be the lowest of the food chain for asking questions such as these. FB tells me he has yet to "see" it. So i think it may have gone into the FB black hole of messages inbox - never to return.

he does have a professional email on his website. he lectures constantly all over town. is that stalker-ish if i go see him speak? sit in the back and quickly scurry out as soon as he leaves the mike? or get the courage to say hello and have him look at me w/ horror and not remember our two day meeting in april? i love to watch him get all fiery when he speaks. it's a very sensual sight.

i'm stubborn and want to know the answer and want to be harshly rejected by him. That way i'll know at least i tried - there will be no question if he is interested or not. He is the type of man i would act a fool over. he is the type of man i want to make coffee for. and breakfast (but only after reading the newspaper).

he is passionate, almost to the crazy level of passion and stubborn and caustic in his convictions. he is so so very sexy and worldly. he is much much older than me and more brooding and serious and slightly melancholic at all times.

i am in love with a rogue photo journalist/artist who does not know i exist. 

important

I went to my first Washington Nationals game tonight w/ my friends.

I felt bad for the people who were seated around us cuz we basically just girl talked about BC, PMS, wedding dresses, men and parties. giggling all the way thru, of course.

It is important to have girlfriends. it is important to watch sunsets.

You have to have a little faith in people.

This is the last scene in Woody Allen's "Manhattan".  I don't particularly care for the movie, but this scene has always made me cry. It's that moment when you are both drifting apart from each other and at least one person feels it, while the other one is blindly optimistic. And sometimes that is enough for the both of you to stop the drifting. And sometimes it's not.

[last lines]

Tracy: I'll be back in six months.

Isaac Davis: Six months are you kidding? Six months you're gonna go for?

Tracy: We've gone this long, well what's six months if we still love each other?

Isaac Davis: Hey, don't be so mature, okay? I mean, six months is a long time! Six months, you know you're gonna be, you'll be in, in, in, in the th - working in a theater there, you'll be with actors and directors, you kno w you're, you know, you go to rehearsal, and you, you hang out with those people, you have lunch a lot, and, and, before you even know it attachments form and, and, you know, I mean, you, you don't want to be get into that kind a, I mean, you, you'll change. You know, you'll be, you'll be, in six months you'll be a completely different person.

Tracy: Well, don't you want me to have that experience? I mean a while ago you made such a convincing case.

Isaac Davis: Ye, yeah of course I do, you know, but you - you know, you, I mean you, I, I just don't want - that thing about you that I like to change.

Tracy: I've got to make a plane.

Isaac Davis: C'mon, you don't - c'mon. You don't, you don't have to - go.

Tracy: Why couldn't you have brought this up last week? Six months isn't so long. Not everybody gets corrupted. You have to have a little faith in people.

stealing fire and trying to put it out

Asked, 25 years after his death, if she would marry him again, Elizabeth replied: ‘In a heartbeat.’ When he first ‘sidled’ up to her on the set of Cleopatra, she thought his lines corny. He thought she had ‘apocalyptic breasts’. He was in absolute awe of ‘her dark, unyielding largesse’.

They were soon conducting an affair that was to be condemned by the Vatican. They were both married and she had said she could not have sex with men unless married to them.

The stories of the diamonds, the excess, the parties and the booze became an early definition of what we now call celebrity. Taylor was often in her boudoir. When Burton asked what she was doing, she would say: ‘Playing with my jewels.’

The on-screen sparring between them in Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? gave us a glimpse, we felt, of something real – though Liz played a vulgar, blowsy woman. The Elizabeth we mourn is intrinsically linked to this crazed love story.

Today’s beautiful people like Angelina and Brad often look basically miserable. Burton
and Taylor looked as if they were having the time of their lives. And they were. My head knows one of these lives was cut short by booze – but, my God, one look at Taylor’s sheer gorgeousness still makes my heart leap.

Burton once wrote to her: ‘I am forever being punished by the gods for stealing fire and trying to put it out and the fire, of course, is you.’

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1370395/Elizabeth-Taylor-Richard-Burton-Forget-marriage-guidance-book.html#ixzz2WfnR4YPl
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Foot and Wine in mouth.

I went with my friend Sarah's friend, Heidi to a "Hill Country" promotional thing.  It was right next to the National Building Museum near Chinatown.



Heidi was sweet enough to invite me and introduce me to her friends. And then i put my foot in my mouth several times. So i met Heidi's coworker, G. Then i started catching up with Heidi on news. For some godforsaken reason i thought she was engaged (via pictures on FB). So i proceeded to ask her that, which she looked very astonished and slightly insulted by. And THEN i remembered two summers ago when i lived in D.C. I flirted hardcore with this HOT ASS MAN. Very Republican, but besides that he was 6'4'' athletic build, great smile, tall, dark and handsome. Turns out he was Heidi's ex-college sweetheart. And i flirted w/ him all night not knowing any of that background until Sarah told me over the phone the next day. AWKWARD.

So of course to bring it back to present time, i mentioned this HOT ASS MAN and how he recently had a baby. Heidi gives me the weirdest look like "stop. talking." Then a couple minutes later she tells me she is dating her co-worker, G. So in a matter of minutes i mentioned her null engagement and her ex-college sweetheart having a baby in front of her flavor of the month. WAY TO GO!!!!needless to say, Heidi will probably NEVER ask me to come out again!!! OY VEY.

Taking the hint, i went to the line for the bathrooms, classy port-a-potties for this event of course. A strapping tall man in a blue ralph lauren button down and dusty salmon short came behind me and said, "Is this queue for the loo?"  I couldn't resist answering the accent of hot i just heard and said yes, it's for the lav. and then we had a conversation of different terms in the world for the word "bathroom".

After i left the bathroom this strapping Englishman found me and introduced me to all his friends. Of course they were all doing interesting things and from interesting countries. One couple was moving to Sao Paolo, Brazil and i talked to them about how jealous i was. Then the strapping Englishman - will call him, D - told me how he was being transferred to a - let's say - "sketchy" area of the world next week for his diplomat job. He's going to be there for two years. So we talked about said location and how although super dangerous it may be interesting to be there.



D kept buying me beers. Then we went with his friends (oh they all met in Harvard grad school, OF COURSE THEY DID) to a wine bar across the street from the National Portrait Gallery. I had a glass of Rioja laughed a lot and had a serious heart-to-heart w/ D about ..... the Beach Boys.

Meanwhile i was getting texts from my secret ex-lover. Mostly just sexts. I answered what i could be you've got to "love the one you're with" as Mr. Stills says.

After the wine bar me and D got some alone time and it was nice to hear his accent for a little longer before i went home. He walked me to the Metro and gave me $ to take a cab from the Metro b/c he was so worried about me driving from the Metro home. It's a ten minute drive and I wasn't drunk at that point so I refused, but he wouldn't let me refuse his $ and insisted i take it. He also insisted i email him when i get home.


It was great fun meeting you! I'm glad DC isn't that much worse than Austin, on the evidence of Hill Country.

I didn't take a cab. But i emailed him back and told (white lied to) him:

Home safe due to the dollars u gave me. Although didn't use it all. May have to save the change to buy u a drink next time ur in town ;) 

And everyone is just passing thru.  Everyone is moving and staying and leaving.  But it is fun when you get an evening to talk and laugh and sip wine and kiss with a perfect stranger. There is something pleasing in the fleeting-ness of it all.

And I hold within my hand grains of the golden sand

A Dream Within a Dream

BY EDGAR ALLAN POE

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow —

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone? 

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand —

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep — while I weep!

O God! Can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?\

Hart Crane.....

Interior

It sheds a shy solemnity,
This lamp in our poor room.
O grey and gold amenity, --
Silence and gentle gloom!

Wide from the world, a stolen hour
We claim, and none may know
How love blooms like a tardy flower
Here in the day's after-glow.

And even should the world break in
With jealous threat and guile,
The world, at last, must bow and win
Our pity and a smile. 

Harold Hart Crane

mawkish

"typical seconds of my day: 

wake and think of you;

you must be at work or stuck in traffic.

as I go to sleep i think of you, 

imagining how I'll manage to see you,

what happens when I do; 

and between waking and sleep:

a little rush of hope

that it's a message from you--

riding the roller coaster at a fair, 

slow moving

lots of dips and rises. 

Oh, we're lovers in this life,

although it ain't curtains yet.

 (you never know).

Must be responsible now. 

Sending this later."

My Bark Canoe

In the still night,
the long hours through
I guide my bark canoe
My bark canoe
my love, to you

While the stars shine
and falls the dew
I seek my love
in bark canoe
In bark canoe
I seek for you

It is I, love,
your lover true,
Who glides the stream
in bark canoe;
It glides to you,
my love, to you

Throughout the night I keep awake,
throughout the night I keep awake.
Upon the river I keep awake.

à la mode

she is your  apple pie

but i am the à la mode. 

We are always getting ready to live, but never living

My secret ex-lover emailed me today.......

I heard this today: We are always getting ready to live, but never living (looked it up--RWE), and it really struck me because its meaning is part of what I love about you (distinct from saying why I love you, of course). By your example you inspire me to live, to be better than I am, to aspire to grasp for what's just out of reach. #mawkishbuttrue 

My do I miss my ex-secret lover. 

Obviously, I am not going to pretend that I believe I inspire this in people. But it is nice to hear flattering things about one's self. And not just, "You're hawt, sexy. I like your _fill in the blank____. You're so funny."

I will be bold here, though, and say I have accomplished things in my life and still have a HUGE LONG list of more To-Dos. It is fun to cross them off. No matter how difficult or impossible they seemed when you started, when you reach them (BIG OR SMALL) they are SO EFFING GRATIFYING. 

I'm high off change (always get that was from major transitions in my life) right now - so this could be the delirium speaking - but the most SATISFYING thing is when the life you live matches the one you live in your head. It happened when I lived in Austin and I hope to continue this balanced brain-and-dream-living in D.C. 

I hope in this life I can be someone who continues to live and isn't getting ready to live. 

The images in the video below really don't have anything to do with this post - I wanted to share the song. BUT by coincidence - the images in the video are of people who really lived. 

Hungry for more

I am starting to get the taste of being a in professional job which i am truly passionate about. It is a great feeling to like my job, but to know there is a potential there to LOVE my job.

It involves public engagement, advocacy, creativity for new digital projects, communication, community involvement and technical skills. All of which i love to do simultaneously! I'm never bored at my new job and get to wear many hats.  Although at times I feel overwhelmed by all the new information swimming in  my head, I'm excited by all the possibilities.


But first i must learn the basics! Right now my career is my main focus.

I want to be a successful person in my profession and eventually I'd love to take a leadership role and have a more active stance i the community (conferences, presentations, papers, sabbaticals, teaching). I'm glad I'm in a career I feel I can significantly advance in. Some people don't get that opportunity in this world.

Fire with Fire

Rhett Butler: I can't go all my life waiting to catch you between husbands.

My ex- secret lover is suddenly posting on FB. He has 9 friends. Is it for me? I VAINLY choose to think so.

But he chose to post a picture of him eating a local Austin Ramen place.  I see a dress print across from the large steaming Ramen bowl. To the left of the pint of asian beer.



And I don't like that. But it also did sober me and and I started seeing red. Not that I'm mad at him.  I'm not mad at him. Just the situation. He is a classic case of Ashley Wilkes. And I am Scarlett O'Hara.  He is a great man, but he will never have the balls to follow his emotional fiery spirit. He is Ashley and will live a long, "sweet" life with her.



And like a Scarlett O'Hara - I may at times lust after Ashley Wilkes, but what i REALLY need is Rhett Butler.  I need a man to kiss me the way a woman should be kissed and often. And even though Scarlett and Rhett did not have the most healthy relationship, it was one of thrilling passion and two strong willed equals having it out.  I'd much rather be with a man who can rise to my height than one who is always kneeling at my feet. It's sweet, but it's hard to respect a push-over.






It's the smoke I'm looking to follow down the streets to get to the fire.














Scarlett: Great balls of fire! It's Rhett!




Rhett Butler: No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.

Passing Thru

I saw Before Midnight on Saturday. It was the final installment of the 20 year film experiment of the talented director, Richard Linklater.




The movie was perfect. I'm bias because I LOVED the first two. But this one was a great last installment because it mixed romance with reality. The reality of everyday life that comes into a relationship after you decide and commit that it's forever. Because after forever is still a whole new chapter altogether. With wrinkles and stretch marks and crying and cheating and faking and yelling and laughing and drinking and knowing that that person is the one of the few people in the world who knows you the most. Not that they know ALL of you, but that they know you the most.

In the movie, this old Greek woman talks about her late husband. He has passed away a year ago and she feels him "fading away" from her memory.  She tells herself to try to remember every detail of his face for a few minutes each day.  She says it gets harder to remember each detail every day.  And when it seems she finally sees his whole face there seems to be a fog of sorts that comes into her head and his face sets into the mist.  She compares this in her monologue to the passing of a beautiful sunset.  She ends her lines with a toast, regarding that all we can do is love each other for everything that person is, and ultimately, we are like everything else, "just passing through".



Today at work my coworker was talking about her husband who had passed 5 years ago.  She says she misses it when she accidentally hurts herself around the house or when there is dancing.  She said she was on a cruise this past year and she heard a song. Everyone was dancing and she wanted to, but she didn't have anyone to dance with.  She said, "because you know we used to do that together. We loved to dance together."

These scenes all make me think that no matter if we are to be married, widowed, single, divorced, we are meant to love each other and appreciate everyone's imperfections while we can.  Because the old Greek woman in the movie is right.  We are just passing through and we might as well give it all away to Love while we are here.

Piano man

Right now it is raining, late evening. I am in my aunt and uncle's living room and my uncle is playing the piano. He is a wonderful piano player. He is playing Rodgers & Hammerstein. I'm a sucker for musicals w/ blind optimism. He plays at a nursing home for the folks and they love it. I know why!  What a gift it is to be able to share music AND it's a joy to listen to!

So far this has been the "track listing":
i don't know why [not the norah jones one]
you made me love you (i didn't wanna do it)
many a new day
people will say we're in love
edelweiss
it's a long way to tipperary
how are things back on the farm
on the street where you live
peg o' my heart
i'll be seeing you
the way you look tonight
going to california
tumbling dice
it's been a long, long time
all the way





I think when I am old I'll have to pay a local neighborhood kid to come play a beautiful music for me. It's a the best way to listen to music.

With great reckless abandon.

My most recent lover is mourning me with great reckless abandon. I do miss him so.

But, alas, I must be the One and Only, not just some other woman. Also it doesn't help that I was the firecracker to set off his mid-life crisis. I think I left him very confused and out of sorts. I didn't mean to. Just wanted to kiss him till his lips were sore and runaway to Big Sur w/ him. That was really all i had in mind.

"yes, big sur. i would be laughing and smiling the whole time, for the reasons you expect and imagine, but also because i would find it infinitely humorous to be in such beautiful places and never want to leave the tent because all i wanted to gaze at was in it." *jaw drops from romance*

sent from him: "What’s the best aspect of the Capricorn-Aquarius relationship? It’s the unbreakable bond they form when they come together. This relationship will be enlightening and a delight to both partners."

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! too bad we live completely different lives, in completely different places.

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST.