my favorite cliches

1. You can pretty much compare all aspects of life to a restaurant.
2. Don’t take things too seriously but remember what you care about.
3. Life is passionate so live passionately.
4. Wood fireplaces in the winter-good, balconies in the summer-even better.
5. Manners really do matter.
6. Don’t forget to enjoy the ride-sometimes you end up in an unexpected stop.
7. If I’m supposed to be like everyone else, who will be like me?
8. Capable and willing are 2 different things. It’s nice to be both.
9. Risk isn’t always a bad thing…as long as you’re willing to be embarrassed and get back up!
10. The best guest is the one who participates-don’t show up just to be entertained.
11. Spend the money, Say how you feel, Do what you love, Limit your regrets

Everything is happening

 

I was walking to work this morning. The street I walk down to get to the Metro is a bit “dodgy”, i suppose. a speckling of prostitutes just getting off work or heading to whatever place they call home, junkies at the bus stop. Kids walking to the charter school, old grannies with head coverings and prescription bottles in their bags.

It’s not dangerous. It’s broad daylight and everyone has yet to make any huge mistakes, so no one is pissed off yet. We are walking on a blank canvas, brush in hand but haven’t gotten to the palette yet.
On this particular morning, i was doing what I always do on my morning walks – reevaluating my entire life. ha! totally counter-productive, but not always. It’s full of typical questions, like:

Am I living my purpose? I don’t like my job. I should apply for a new one. But what would that be? What would make me happy? I should be a full time writer. But that wouldn’t pay my bills. I wish i was a teacher. But that’s not what I truly am. I want to live in an Italian villa and write. I am going to save up my money and move to Italy. Why should I wait, I should move to Italy RIGHT NOW.

I want to work in a surf shop in Costa Rica. 

*huge sigh, thoughts pause*
it’s tiring isn’t it?

I am walking to the street corner, to cross. The other side is the metro. As I approach there is a junkie. He is wearing all black, sweat shirt and black jeans, even though the swampy DC summer has arrived. His face displays Vitiligo, as if someone has thrown glass into his face and the shards have stuck, taking away the black pigmentation, leaving peach, tan blotches. It is painfully striking.

As i get closer to the street corner, I sigh and end my morning ritual of anxiety and self doubt. I will come back to that tomorrow. I mutter out loud to myself to close this contemplation:

“Ugh, I have no idea what is happening.”

the junkie turns around, looks up at me suddenly, fiercely, as if he had heard my mutter. I did not think i was that loud, and his back had been turned to me.

He opens his hands, spraying them out like tentacles in the air, shakes them around. He is electric. He speaks to me above a normal voice, an aggressive yell:

“EVERYTHING is happening!!!”

He immediately turns around and keeps looking at the street’s red traffic light.

I cross the street and choose to hear his words echo in my head.
Everything is happening.
Everything is happening.

Everything is happening.

Friends

So I got the waitress job to save money. BUT I'm just spending it on Travel. :)

ON A WHIM, i decided to go to NYC and Chicago this month. 

BUT I'm REALLY excited because I'm going to see friends I have not seen in a long time. I cannot wait! I haven't been to Chicago since 2011! I haven't been to NYC since Feb 2014!!!

I cannot wait to see my friends who live in these two awesome cities. I will not be saving money but wtf you only live once. And the friends I'm going to see are some of the most important people in my life!! Some of my longest friendships that i deeply cherish.

So i got no complaints.

Couples I don't want to be

At work last weekend i waited on two couples.

The first one:

• woman cuter than man
• he was a fat nerd w/ glasses
• she was audrey hepburn
• she paid for the entire meal. she wrote on her receipt, "boyfriend got the tip."
• her boyfriend paid a $10.00 tip on a $50.00 tab. 
• I found this to be annoying. 
• i hope a man splits it with me or pays for all of it
• why was she with him?

The second one:

• i forgot to get bacon on the guy's burger
• the woman is the one who accosted me with this oversight
• i apologized and got the kitchen to bring down a side of bacon
• the woman insisted they get a discount, even after he ate it all
• yes, she ordered a salad and just a salad
• he said, "no honey, it's ok"
• she would not back down.
• he was whipped and let her have all the power

Two couples I never want to be.

rigged

good quote from RUMI

Got no complaints

It was a wonderful weekend.

Friday night I ate dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant in Georgetown. All the pasta was handmade! All the food melted in your mouth. It is so nice to eat good food with friends. We went out to a bar after and met boys and one have me his number. He is cute and not an old man.

Saturday I volunteered, then went to brunch at a hipster Swedish place w/ my Mom and Aunt. Again the food was sooooo tasty. The company and locale were the same.

Saturday nite, I worked. At one point I had two parties walk in at THE SAME TIME WITH 14 people!!!!! Oh and a bunch of couples!!!

I somehow made it thru and came out with a shit ton of tips.

After work went to a dive bar with coworkers, then we WENT DANCING at the bar across the street. The bar has "SOUL NIGHTS" once a month and it is so much fun to dance to soul music. I got very drunk then went home. I have a crush on one of my coworkers. So cute. And a good dancer :)

Yesterday I had beers with friends outside then dinner with my mom at a great French bistro!

I am still drunk texting MMJC. We are still seducing each other in his bed. We have a don't ask don't tell policy about outside party members. If I knew about the girls he was seeing I'd go crazy jealous and dump him. So I prefer to not know. I'm not innocent either.

I would like a boyfriend. Just have not felt that way about anyone I've dated. I like dating many boys at one time.

The last I heard from RPJ was April 10th. And it will remain so. I've made no effort to contact, reach out. I am SO much happier when he is not in my life. All he likes to do is create drama and mind fuck me. How sad it is that some people get such joy from taking advantage and treating others with no sense of consequence or care of causing pain. But as I once heard, "hurt people hurt people."

In the past when he contacted me (he eventually always does) I would answer. When he does next time there will be no response from me. There is nothing left to say. I have given him all the words, dreams, kisses and tears I had to offer. It is a relief when the love you had for someone is replaced with a sort of hollow, empty feeling when you think of them. There is just an absence of love. An almost vague blah feeling, like when you wake up from a hangover. But then a relief sets in; like you were in a boxing ring and the fight is over.

Where as, when I see my crush from work I feel excited and happy and ready to dance to soul music.

Feelings are so helpful. If you make a conscious effort to listen and connect with them, they will help you make choices that are authentic to your true wants and needs. Everything I've ignored my gut I've gotten kicked in the ass by fate.

I am very happy in life right now and have no complaints. I theorize that I am happy right now bc the waiting job has taken the financial stress out of my life. I no longer need to worry about my bills. I feel free and independent in this.

Another reason for my happiness is my role in my community. I LOVE volunteering in my hood and I like my co workers at the restaurant. I feel like I know so many people in the hood. I feel connected to my neighbors and people in my little corner of the world. It is great to feel a part of something you love.

I am healthy. I have wonderful friends. And crushes ;) and boys I kiss.

So I have no room for complaints right now. I am relishing in life until the INEVITABLE tide will turn and I'll be bitching again here on the blog. BUT UNTIL THEN, let's enjoy it!!!!

SIDENOTE: I have become obsessed with old Hollywood and want to stay one night at the chateau marmont. If I could get a PHD I'd get it in Hollywood history :)   Reading about old Hollywood and it's stars and watch old movies like RED DUST, all about eve, sunset blvd.
movies were SO MUCH better back then. The dialogue and story lines are richer.

goals.

NEW GOAL: I want to get a job as a librarian that gets a 10 month contract. I want to keep waitressing until i am too old to do it. I want to work as a librarian for 10 months, then live somewhere else for the rest of the year.

I would like to do trips to south america, south east asia with my extra cash. Wouldn't that be fun?

If I'm Unworthy by Blake Mills

If I'm Unworthy
song by Blake Mills

I found a new meaning
for the oldest words in use
I no longer ask myself
what have I got to lose
If I'm unworthy of the power I hold over you

This line of thinking
the wonders it can induce
are twisted in my sheets now
and look what your love can do

If I'm unworthy of the power I hold over you

Time before was wasted
with you my life ain't just long enough
Wrap you in my arms, baby
I hope they'll be strong enough

Time before was wasted
with you life's just long enough
I'll Wrap you in my arms, baby
see if strong enough

If I'm unworthy of the power I hold over you
What If I'm unworthy of the power I hold over you
If I'm unworthy of the power I hold over you

pretty good

Today at work someone asked me how i was doing. I said Pretty Good and i meant it. :)

Life is good right now. Things are falling into place.

Moonlighting

I can already tell I'll have ton more posts to this blog, due to this new moonlighting gig.

Is it weird that i actually enjoy it so far? it's probably because it's new and exciting and I'm not used to it.

Also, it's probably b/c I'm free of the stress and worry of not being able to save any money, living paycheck to paycheck. It definitely makes me feel better. I now have a way to save for things I want to do, instead of sacrificing dreams for basic realities. 

Things I've learned so far about waiting:


 

• You can make money fast
• You must check your attitude at the door, even if you've had a shitty day. Why? Because this will affect the vibes from your coworkers and customers. If they know you're in a nasty mood only nasty things will most likely happen.
• You can be "the perfect server" and still not get a good tip; but you still gotta try to be nice
• You can't control anything, ie: when the food gets out, what customers you have, if the night is busy or not
• The sooner you accept to go with the flow, the easier the job gets
• If you get stressed out or flustered easily you will make everyone else miserable (even if you are stressed, fake it till you make it)
• No one is going to die at this job. No one is going to die if they don't get their food, if they get a drink spilled on them, if they have to wait for their meal. 
• Don't take this job seriously. It is anything but serious. 
• It's actually really funny most of the time
• Everyone you work with is from many different socioeconomic situations. Two coworkers i work with - like me - have masters and full time jobs. Some people are sending all their tips home to Honduras. Some people chose not to go to college, it just wasn't for them. Everyone is equal in the Restaurant business and if you think differently you will be humbled immediately - most likely in the most embarrassing way possible. (ie the kitchen's swinging door, full cup of coffee)
• Family meals and Shifts drinks at the end of the night are THE BEST time to get to know your coworkers - and free!!!
• Going out to a nearby bar with your coworkers is SO MUCH FUN. As long as you don't stay up till 4am getting wasted and have to work the next day. That's stupid. 
• Make it up.

• Most the time I feel like I'm acting, if that makes any sense.  

AND NOW FOR THE FUNNY SHITTY PARTS ABOUT SERVING:

I've ONLY been working for a week and I sympathize with #1, 5, 6, 7, 10, 12

 http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/21-soul-crushing-moments-every-server-dreads?sub=3372631_3248815#.gsy3lRE2XM

Marinating on MARONATION tour

Two things i learned from last night's Marc Maron show: #1) Vulnerability is the most magnificent quality you can offer. Unfortunately, it is the hardest to do, b/c of negative past situations of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of. BUT if you can trust and put yourself out there, I believe it will pay you back ten fold and make life richer. If you can be your true self and not care what others think, that is the most beautiful thing. #2) I am intentionally going to try to date more FUNNY men. I laughed SO hard last night. Laughter is so important. If you could spend time with someone who makes you laugh, instead of makes you cry and be the bug in their emotionally fucked up spider web, life is SO much better. I'm tired of trying to fix men that cannot be fixed by anyone but themselves. I want to be around a man that can light me up and make me laugh until my belly hurts and there are (HAPPY) tears in my eyes. 

 


 This morning i received a shit storm of texts messages out of the blue from RPJ. He said he feels that he cannot trust me and that all he can focus on is when I will dump him. Therefore he has put a barrier up and cannot open up to me anymore. He cites something i said JOKINGLY months ago in a bar: 
"I'm going to date old men, then when I want kids, dump them for a young guy." I was joking. 

I've assured him that I don't actually believe this. That my actions speak more than my words. But still he says he can't trust me. 

So I replied, "Obviously I can't control your feelings. Only you can come to those conclusions. If it bothers you then that's probably a personal message telling you to go in a different direction."

What I really wanted to say was, "Please Go fuck yourself." But I didn't. 

I am officially DRAINED from this vampire. I have nothing left to give, no more tears to be cried. There is nothing else to do or say. It's OVER. 

It's unfortunate that it took so long for me to let go of him. I wanted to hold on. But sometimes, holding on is more painful than letting go. 

I never want to have to "convince" a man to trust, love, or be with me. I do not have time for complicated, dark, emotional damage of someone else. I barely have time for my own. Which thankfully, isn't that much. 

I got the waitress job and the manager eventually wants me to bar tend. :) 
Walking from the interview to the Marc Maron show last night, i felt the small arms of a little girl run at my and grab my waist. It was my reading buddy from the Literacy program i volunteer with. She was with her family walking home and all smiles, saying how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait to get back to the program in a couple weeks (the school is on break). 

Even though parts of my life feel fucked up from the outside they really aren't. I feel like yesterday was this turning point for me. I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am trusting in the Universe and I believe if I can stay true to myself and remain kind through the bad shit, Life will continue to be a rich ride. I feel like I've finally stepped into the changing flow of the ocean of Life and I'm not as scared or stressed anymore. It's like I now know deep inside everything is going to be ok.  

Istanbul

I had my first Istanbul interview yesterday morning.

I'm thinking I do not need to make this decision; they will kind of make it for me if they pick me or not. But I can't help but think about the possibility. Right now, I have neither a yes or no feeling.


I mentioned this on my vacation with my parents. They were not pleased. But I am trying to not have their thoughts color my choice. I do not want to be that person who does things based on others opinions. I just want support if I choose to do it. It's not enough to have my own confidence. Still working on that.




 My two best friends are helping me and sharing their advice. They both say "do it," because like me they are adventurous badasses, too.

The pay is less than I make now. Contract from August '15 - June '16. Summer is paid and they hope you return for the next year, obviously.





Cost of living is CHEAPER than DC.

I don't know if I'd be saving any money if I did this, so it would be for the experience. My main concern is being able to support myself since I'll be far from home.

 It seems to be a pretty cheap place to live. I think I could have about $750-1000/month left over after rent and student loans, I should have enough to live comfortably and also do quite a bit of travel.

I flip flop between stress free security and poor adventure. 

Only time will tell. 


 

Girl on Guy, dating in the real world.

http://girlonguy.girlonguy.libsynpro.com/girl-on-guy-173-amber-tamblyn

Aisha Tyler and Amber Tamblyn talk internet dating 7 minutes in, and it's EXACTLY all my feelings about it. How social media fucks w/ the naturalness of dating and how it removes intimacies and replaces it with "rules" - ugh. i hate "dating." Also I'm not even dating right now I'm just have dalliances w/ sexy old men. :p

The Right Time

 


I got a Skype job interview with an international school in Istanbul. I'm not even thinking about the possibility of it happening yet. First I need to speak with them, see what they have to say and if it would be right for me.The job would be really fun I think, working in a school library K-12, collaborating with the teachers and tech team.

I asked my friend J, "well if I like what they had to say, would this be the right time to do it? I promised to myself I'd stay here for 3 years."

"What time is ever the "right time" to do these things?"

My mother seems to not be on board, says "it's too far away."

I've moved alone to cities before within the US, but never in a foreign country. A part of me is scared to do something like that all alone. But this is something I've always wanted to do and it has presented itself. I need more details.

Tickets to the rest of Europe from Istanbul are maximum $200.00. I could take weekend trips to Rome and Athens. :)

And as always, there is nothing much here currently for me anyways. I have friends, but other than that I own no home, I have no partner.

Only time will tell. I'm trusting the Universe to be my guide. I think if you're meant to do something, change your trajectory in a different way, you will know it. Listen to your gut it will give you the answers. And of course, don't be blind to coincidences, AKA divine signals. 

It's a blur

I applied to a Barista/Gelato part time job. What if I take my buddy's offer to be a bartender in the busy part of the city? That'd be hard, but i wonder if I'd make more money.

I feel myself transitioning into a new me. I feel tougher and a bit more fucked up. Tired. A 40 something waitress in New York City. A boxer who has come out of a ring. I feel like Steve McQueen. I am both proud and scared shitless, I am in love and lonely.





I sprained my ankle very badly last night. If you asked me i would tell you it was from running. But I will tell you the truth. It was from coming down from the roof deck with MMJC and our 5th beers. I set my foot down and the step dropped much farther than I had anticipated. But of course in the state i was in i laughed, no pain. But today holy shit it hurts.

I got a text from MMJC last night. I met him at my corner bar. He has known the owner for years. The owner sat with us and told us stories. The type of stories only a bar owner can tell you.

The bartender I went on a date with was working upstairs. I must confess part of the reason I went to see MMJC was to see what little drama would unfold. One of my flaws.

Bartender came down and I waved. He told me to come visit him upstairs but I wanted to talk to MMJC and Bar owner/Bartender's boss.

He came down later and I introduced MMJC to Bartender. We ALL sat together. At one point I was rubbing both their knees under the bar and neither of them noticed. I felt powerful. That's why I do the things I do.

I left the bar. Said bye to Bartender and MMJC leaving them together at the bar. As if I was leaving two ex-husbands at my house alone. 

I took a cab to MMJC place and we had a good night. I slept over and tried to wake up and went to work questioning everything that had seemed so solid and clear last night.

I don't want a boyfriend. I want to date three men all at the same time. It's sexy and thrilling and dramatic. At times it's quite messy and lonely and wrong. But the rush is incomparable. I feel like I'm living the way I want to. And I care less and less about the status quo. I think as long as I'm happy, that's all that matters.

I am going to try to stop seeing RPJ though. He holds my heart in his teeth - like a grenade ready to explode. There is no stable ground with him. MMJC is at least honest. We both know what is taking place.

I can predict i will break the Bartender's heart. But I don't want to.

But, are we ever truly happy? Even if i was happy I think I'd have something to complain about. Things can always be better, can't they? Or can we not just enjoy each simple pleasure? That's all we may get.

As you get older, things are so much more complicated. Blurry and no longer easy to categorize. I don't know a thing and as soon as I accepted that everything got easier.

Up in the air.

Things are up in the air right now.

I pay all my bills, but have no money for fun, travel, or emergencies. I can live poor or I can get a part time job while looking for a job that pays more. My current job cannot offer what I need.

I've applied for a bunch of jobs with the government and still am, but the government jobs take 8 months - 1 year to respond. SO - i need to figure out a temporary fix. 

I've been feeling like a big failure lately, because I have a Masters and thought I'd never have to get a part time job ever again. But I want to put a dent in my loans and like i said, travel more; or even be able to buy myself things! like new clothes and a fancy camera. I've been "living poor" since I moved out of the house at 22. I'm so over being so fucking poor. I realize I chose to live in a REALLY expensive city and i realize I chose to take out student loans.

I would not change getting a Masters because it allows me to go for the career I want more than any other (besides being a writer). And there is no other place in America right now that I'd rather be than in DC. So i do not regret these decisions, I just need to figure shit out in the interim till it gets better. Will it ever get better?

It's the work I must do to not be poor that I'm dreading. I work 40 hours a week already. I'd much rather work at a bookstore or tutor or something, but I know i could make good money waitressing. BUT waitressing is some of the hardest work one could do. It's not easy or relaxing. So do I get a job where i make more money but hate it, or a job i like that i don't make a lot of money at? When the whole point is money ...

MMJC is so so confusing. We've stop "seeing" each other. But we still text/sext each other????

I went on a date with this bartender - he's older, like they all are. I like him but I don't know if he has any drive. But does that matter to me? I'm not looking for a husband. I'm looking for a distraction to my wretched current life stage. Broke in my twenties. I just want to laugh, goddamnit!!!

Another bartender - do you see a pattern? - is trying to woo me in the traditional sense. he's not as old as the other one. But he's always texting me and calling me babe and i find it really annoying.

My ex is still in my life. I call him, he answers, we make love. It's a bad cycle we're in. Think Carrie & Big at there most toxic. That's it. But I don't really long for him anymore, it's more resentment and passion. great combo for a healthy relationship.

I still am obsessed with Marc Maron.

I've been writing a short story or two and sending it in. No publications, but writing is a small part of my life that makes me happier. Like I have something to live for. 

Sometimes I hate the words and advice my family and friends give me.  I know what I have to do but I don't want to. I don't like my problems pointed out to me - I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

A lot of times I just want to give up. Or run away to an island. Life is hard.These days I've been in a depression. I come home and throw the covers over my head. maybe eat or read then sleep. hoping somehow all my problems will all fade away. But they never do.

Unplugged

Hmmm. What is the latest:
~~~~

He tells me the phone will be off for the next ten days. A week later i decide to send him an email. He's yet to send me one. I send him a link to a funny compilation of vine videos.

"You've been hacked!"

"haha no, it's a funny vine video link, silly."

"Sorry. Eats up my phone data. write me something interesting."

"ok no more funny vine videos for you."

"That's too easy, put more work into sending me a note."


What an asshole. No. I'm not writing you back, asshole.







~~~

I sent in a short story to a bunch of places. Some that are NEVER even gonna read it. but what the hell. It felt great to put the story out there. It's a funny, comic-tragedy about a girl who does karaoke and gets Chlamydia (NO. it's NOT biographical. it's fiction!!!)

I got my first rejection email on it last night:

"I appreciate the look, but I'm going to pass on this one."
burnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. lolololol.

I think being a writer is like being an actor. Only with words. You have to put your work out there and get constantly rejected until someone thinks you're "write for the part."


 




~~~

I went on a date with a man named Jose. We have good conversation together. He has traveled to so many places and travels for work. i love hearing all his travel stories. We decided we will go salsa dancing together next time we see each other. :)

 

~~~

I went to a potluck my friend hosted. It was fun, but I may have drank a bit too much. And i think i offended at least one person. This one writer girl was very aloof and I took it as pretension. I voiced this after she left. No one agreed and I LOOKED like a mean girl. You live you learn.  :/

These two hipsters shared with me their visit to a secret restaurant in our neighborhood. You know, the apartments where a little Mexican woman cooks in her home and it's illegal and really good? That's what this is. And it turns out it's only a few blocks away from where i live! I MUST check it out.

 



~~~

I think I am dropping MMJC very soon. He is the ultimate bachelor and does not have as high as a sex drive as me. He will send me puns in text messages and NOT ask me to hang out??? So i guess all i am to him is a pun receiver now. GREATTTT. 

the latest was:








People are so weird. Especially men.


~~~

Last night I had a great conversation with my Mom. A lot of bad shit has been happening to her friends of late. She basically was just talking about how she has a new perspective and is no longer sweating the small stuff. She is seeing things on a much wider scale and not worrying about dumb shit. She is trying to have joy in her every day life, not just going through the motions, remembering to be present in the moment and appreciate life.

I could do that more often as well.

I'm going to Key West at the end of the month. I have this fantasy of going off the grid and deactivating my FB and turning off my phone for the ENTIRE time. I think I'm going to do that.

All I know for sure right now is that I should write more and continue to try live in the moment. When you only have those two goals, life becomes less stressful. I've been doing it for a week. :)

Truth speak from Hafiz

GIRLS quote ftw

Divine intervention.

PRETTY MUCH.


http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-oconnell/2012/01/getting-your-life-together/

Thoughts of late, not for the faint of heart.

I thought as I got older I would find more answers, but every year I just have more questions.

The RPJ has wiggled his way back into my life. But the dynamic is different. I no longer care too much about what he thinks, and I do what I want with him. I know this is not a great stage to be on with him, but I'm tired of trying to control it. He is in my life for now and who knows if he will drift out again.

I'd like to date two other men. I'd like to be exclusive. But it seems this is difficult to find. And to be honest, some days I want to be exclusive, but then my actions say I just want to continue to date and have fun. I do not know what I want when it comes to men.

MMJC is a man I'd like to know more. But we are both hippies and do not care to fight for that.  Ha! I spent my entire snow day on Thursday with MMJC. We drank beers and spoke about books, religion, all the big questions.

My 2nd snow day on Friday was spent with RPJ, white whale. We looked at photography books, watched "Gimme Shelter" on the Rolling Stones, Maron and Broad City. We made tacos for dinner and snuggled. We talked about his new documentary also known as his life's work for the past three years. He works so hard and stresses so much. He would die for his work and that is what scares me. He literally has gone over and over again into very dangerous places for his passion. This is what both scares me and intrigues me. We exist in limbo together. When he is with me I enjoy it, but he is always gone. He is going to Chicago and Toronto in the next two weeks. I hope he doesn't go back to conflict work, but that's what he does, it's inevitable. there is no other option. that's why I don't think we can be together. as long as he is going in and out of two worlds like that, there's no use to try.

Saturday morning I was walking to my volunteer tutoring gig. I got to the school and the program leader told me it was cancelled, sorry! So I walked back to my place. on the corner, I hear this deep voice behind me yell, "yo bitch!" I was sooo scared. I thought I was about to get mugged. I turn around and it is MMJC!!! that bastard was laughing, he sure did startle me. He was in the neighborhood checking in on his apartment he rents out. He also was scouting out a house for his gay couple friends in Mexico. They want an old DC house. So me and MMJC went into a house. But it was a complete wreck. Way too much of a fixer upper. When we parted ways we gave a kiss to each other on the sidewalk in broad day light. I liked that.

My hipster crush got into a bike accident last night and split his chin open.  I hope he is ok!!!

I am going to Key West at the end of the month and I plan on taking my time there to re-center and be on a beach and soak in the surroundings. I also am starting to get ancy again and a part of me wants to plot my next adventure. is it bad that I cannot stay in one place too long? is it bad that I do not like to stay too long in one place? I am addicted to change, yet it is also the one thing in this world that scares the shit out of me most. Why is that?

I am torn. I am torn between staying in one place, getting a job that pays more, make a dent in my loans, be responsible, travel more and buy more sophisticated clothes.

The other part of my soul wants to find a job that pays in Italy - short term - go there and write and take pictures and live and discover.

So how would I do this is the big big question. I have no idea. I want to think about that in Key West. A curse and blessing of my personality is that I function better with long term goals. Once I complete goals I must move onto another. It's nice because I get a lot done, but I forget to live in the moment and relish in my accomplishments. Sometimes I burn myself out if i'm not careful - it's not pretty; lots of self-loathing and despair.

I do feel very lucky. there are many blessings in my life. But there is this emptiness, this restlessness I still have that I have no idea how to cure. Maybe just do what I want and that will answer the questions? Life is so mysterious and confusing.
 

TRUTH SPEAK.

Simple woman

I am a simple woman.
All i need is an afternoon of oysters, beers, and sex.

MMJC was my hedonistic partner in this on Saturday. ;)

I rounded the evening out with a girls nite and pizza.
A spectacular day.

Bar talk.

Last Wednesday I met up with my NASA friend who i've known for 5 years. Since Lonestar State days.

He has not been single in the past, so when I see him, I assume he is not single. He is bearded and tall and handsome and most men like that are never single. I came to the bar to meet him and he was with his co-workers. As i spoke to them, with his arm behind me, i could feel his hand rubbing the back of my thigh, then his hand on my ass. I ignored it until he said, "Me and ___ broke up." By drink three he was openly kissing me. He didn't care if his co-workers saw.

He comes back to town next week. 

QT.

I met a boy last night who I've talked to before at Karaoke, but this time we really talked. He has transparent glasses, is a cyclist and has a hyphenated last name. He is a year older than me and is authentic and is a feminist who can sing karaoke without giving a shit about how "stupid" he looks.

Most of all he seems genuine. A breath of fresh air. 

What a cutie!!!!

"Loving assholes gets old."

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/02/loving-aholes-gets-old/

learned this one the hard way.

Priests "And Breeding"

I saw this band on Saturday. they put on a good show. 'Specially the front woman. Mosh pitting has ceased to get old to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztyquLceoXA

"I'm disappointment in Y2K, why didn't things turn out that way?"

"Elvis Presley and Che Guevara" ??? but i love it.


I also hung out with Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw hybrid later that night.

I'm having a fun time right now.


 http://www.rookiemag.com/2014/05/priests-modern-love/

 

Authenticity

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfddR5K8X4o

Watch at 30 seconds in.

He says, paraphrasing here "it was only until I stopped trying to be someone that I wasn't that the music became better and resulted in success."

Authenticity is the only way to live.

you're driving me crazy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob3DZrY0_Uw

You, you're driving me crazy
What did I do? What ever did I do?
My tears for you, they make everything hazy
Clouding the skies that used to be blue

How true were the friends who were near me
To cheer me, believe me, they knew
But you, you were the kind who would hurt me
Desert me when I needed you

Yes, you, you are driving me crazy
What did I do, did I do to you?

How true were the friends who were near me
To cheer me, believe me, they knew
But you were the kind who would hurt me
Desert me when I needed you

Yes, you, baby, you, you're are driving me crazy
What did I do? Tell me what did I do
Please, what did I do to you?

Read more: Billie Holiday - You're Driving Me Crazy Lyrics | MetroLyrics

We’re just four scary, then joyful minutes away from falling in real love.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/01/the-36-questions-that-offer-a-path-into-love/

We’re just four scary, then joyful minutes away from falling in real love.

Do this at a bar or a private setting. Pass this back and forth on your phone and ask one another each question.

“I Googled Dr. Aron’s questions; there are 36. We spent the next two hours passing my iPhone across the table, alternately posing each question.

They began innocuously: “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” And “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”

But they quickly became probing.”

Then, look at one another’s eyes for four minutes. Read the context here, and here, first (NY Times).

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

Read the full content, as linked above, at the NY Times–it’s well worth it. 

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Fuck yes

I went out with a friend last night. I had some beers. I showed her pictures of the two drastically older men I'm interested in. One of whom is my ex.

She looked at me and said
"OMG. No. You are way too nice and too funny and too beautiful to date these losers!!! You deserve someone who's going to take you on dates and want to date you."

I got a text from RPJ when i got home.

I called him twice he didn't pick up.

I said I'd rather talk on the phone.

So then I proceed to drop TRUTH BOMBS on his phone.

I don't know if what I did was right.

Basically I told him
Shit or get off the pot. Just in many more words.

I spoke my truth, so I'm not going to feel bad about it. I just hate it when a girl speaks her mind and a man labels her as "psycho or crazy" - when in actuality I'm just looking to cleanse my life of the BULLSHIT which he sprays onto it.

It's so complicated and painful and I don't have time for this shit!!!!

Did I do the "right" thing? Am I missing out on the greatest love of my life? I don't think so, since I would hope the greatest love of my life WOULD ACTUALLY TREAT ME WITH MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE.  i feel the love from him. Just no respect. 

the love song that's stuck in my head

 










Friday night i went out with friends, then met up with Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw. We had a few drinks and it was fun to talk and spend time w/ him. there was no kissing cuz i was sick. I haven't heard back from him since :/ i texted him today, so we'll see if he says hello.

Last night i got a text from RPJ, my ex. He asked what I was up to and that he was glad we were talking again and we should hang out soon. I called him. He told me he was at a bar around the corner from me.

So i threw on my coat and went to have a few drinks with my "buddy".

we continue to drink. he pays for all my drinks. he takes my hand in his hand and tells me why it's so hard for him. why he disappears on women. why he gets scared. he tells me about being in a helicopter, sitting across from a medic and a man with his brain coming out of his mouth.

you've been through some heavy shit, I agree.

he tells me he's always been this way. he gets really into someone then pulls away.

you're testing me. seeing if i'll still be there. still hang out and be cool and be there when you come back.

he values his loner-ness. his solitaire. he wants someone who will be ok with that. that's why he  leaves or suddenly doesn't talk to me for a long time.

you keep holding my hand. you say your father's death doomed us. we would be together if not for that loss. you weren't present and couldn't find your way back.
you tell me i'm cute, you tell me you're being seduced. "you're seducing me."
you love my hands. they feel so good, they're so soft. you rub them and hold them tight. you squeeze my arms and hands. you laugh when i get pink in the cheeks and tell me, "you're turning red." i say no it's just the lighting. you say no. don't be silly. you love that i'm so playful.

we start speaking in italian. anchio te. mi piace luigino.
i tell you how heartbroken i was.
we cash out. you walk me back to my place. it's so so cold and windy. we get inside my lobby and we kiss. my lips and yours dancing. all i'm thinking in my head is i want you. i'm thinking it so loud and so hard that i swear you hear my mind through our kissing.

are lips are dancing with the occasional scratch from your stubble.
we head downstairs to my apartment. i hope my roommate is not up because if she is she will give me an eye roll and make me feel like a high school student misbehaving in detention.
she's not up thank god. i tell you to go to my room while i make the tea.
i show you the camera my parents gave me, their 80s Canon. this was your first camera you say.
you fool with it and show me how it works, where the battery is. i love you.
i pour the tea and you're already lying down in my unmade bed. you're comfortable.
i put down the tea and you barely sips any. you tell me to come here and snuggle. but we don't even snuggle too long before we are kissing.

we lay in bed and my alarm goes off. the day must begin. my routine calls. i wash my face and dress and make my lunch.
we walk down the street. it's still cold. i am humming good morning music. "good morning, good morning, it's great to stay up late" - "oh what a beautiful morning"
"do you always sing in the morning?"
 "no ... wait, ya i guess i do! i hum and sing to myself."

we part ways and say see ya. you go up the street and i go to work. i still love you but i no longer am waiting for you. i can't wait. i must live out this novel of my life. with or without you.

is it wrong that last night happened? no. it just happened. this is life. all i do is what feels good, what is right in the moment. maybe it's not in the long run. but i no longer live for others rules. i live for my own rules. as long as i feel comfortable and good, i'm saying yes. life is too short to worry and hate myself. life is to love myself, every inch. all the good and bad bits. it's gorgeous and completely one of a kind.


sleeping next to him felt so good. a little part of me loves him after all this and that is the part i think rules my head even when it shouldn't.
the question is, do i want to wait around for him to figure it out? no i don't.

i definitely feel our dynamics are different now, though. i've kicked him off his pedestal and he is just another man. Unfortunately i am still in love with this man.

It's not as simple as saying I'm never going to see him again and cut him out. I can't do it. I've tried.

fuck yes

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

trying this new dating strategy on for size.

Once again

http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episodes/episode_571_-_jimmy_dore

65 minutes to 75 minutes is pretty much what I've been coming to grips with since Jan 2014. 

Goals and achievements, what is the point, how do you fill the empty hole within you if you can never achieve enough. You can only gain approval from yourself. 

It's amazing how we all feel the same sticky situations in this life, even though these two comics are way older than me and dudes.

well that was silly.

OK so Marc Maron - Aidan Shaw hybrid poked me AND accepted my Friends request .

So that last post meant nothing.

This morning i made eggs and coffee and watch "broad city." i cleared my schedule today so i could just be. It's a nice and rare feeling when all you need to do in a day is putz around; write, clean, read, nibble on food. tonight i am going to a concert with friends. :)

I am young and free and life is good.

JUST A POKE.

I poked a man on FB who is a hybrid of Marc Maron/Aidan Shaw.

Body of Shaw:



FACE of MARON:








 THINK ABOUT THAT ONE FOR A MOMENT.


I got no response FROM MY POKE and so I sent him a Facebook friend request. A LAST ATTEMPT.

I Facebook messaged two of my close male friends to ask before doing this. They assured me I had "nothing to lose."

So I did and now I feel stupid. That was stupid. The whole thing was stupid but now we'll be facebook friends. Cuz I think if he wanted to be my friend he would've asked right? Right? I just don't know. MEN ARE SO CONFUSING. there is a game and I don't know any of the rules and the rules change with every person.

Also i'm doing it in reverse since I already took the car for a test drive. Goddamn it. I just like men and affection so much. I can only go for so long w/out it!!!

But ultimately we should just remain FB friends since I am far too young for him and I need to stop my track record of dating old men. But if you keep on doing something does it mean it's bad or is it just what you like?!!?!?!?!?!?

Tonight I am going to an all women's comedy showcase, then eating a fixed price menu at a fancy restaurant w/ my friend from Portland. I'M EXCITEDDDDDDD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, I'm looking for a part time job until I find a job that pays me more. Yep. that's how sure I am that a negotiation would go NOWHERE.  i feel like a failure. I have a masters and no money. BUT i love my job so much and do not regret getting my degree.

I gotta make a dent in these student loans!!! Also, it doesn't help that I live in one of the most expensive cities in the USA. But I LOVE THIS CITY SO MUCH!!!! alas.



THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE.

pizzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

GEORGE GLASS!!!

life is about not knowing

Keillor on Writing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADQO0aO_uSc

Amazing writer advice from Garrison Keillor:

Writing is NOT about Narcissism.

A love like that!!!

Although I found Amal Clooney's nuanced elegance and condensation a bit much, the speech George gave that mentioned his LOVE for her made me WEAK IN THE KNEES. 

“I’ve had a pretty good year myself,” he said. “Listen: It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love—even better when you’ve been waiting your whole life. And when your whole life is 53 years, Amal, whatever alchemy it is that brought us together, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.”







 SEE HIM GUSH the speech HERE:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTnVjHCcEn0

http://www.businessinsider.com/george-clooney-golden-globes-acceptance-speech-2015-1


WOWZA. Dear Jesus I hope someday some handsome, intelligent, fascinating man thinks this about me. Until then, I'm loving myself the best I can!!!

It was ... odd.

I had yet another extremely vivid, long dream about dating Marc Maron last night. The beginning of the date was good. We spent sunny days eating and drinking and hiking in CALIFORNIA? 

I brought him home to my parents and family and no one understood and kept telling me he was too old and then we got in fights and then my mom questioned how many men I had slept with in my lifetime.

It was ... odd.

I woke up feeling ashamed yet extremely in love and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm blaming this on the Catholic Guilt that I'll never rid myself of.

I hope if I ever do date an old man my family will understand. Seeing as though the majority of my boyfriends have been 5-15 years older than me, I do not see that changing soon. Although my recent NYE disaster was younger than me.

It would be really difficult for me to love someone if my family hated them. Is that ok? I feel like if you love someone, you'd be able to be ok w/ your family not liking them. But how much is worth having fights with your family?

LUCKILY, none of these things are my problem.

Just my dream's problem.

fox trot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJtgrJVcr7M

put the blame on mame.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3uzB-q0jsU

put the blame on mame.

It's Up from Here.

I really fucked up during my first week of 2015. I guess I can only go up from here.

I hooked up with someone on NYE. He started paying attention to me the minute i walked in the door. And then the ball dropped and then we were kissing. I think I screwed it up before it even started. And that sucks. Since I've not gotten any wanted attention in awhile. And speaking of unwanted attention...

My ex, the toxic one, you know, sent me a "happy new years" text. I answered. He followed up with a we have to catch up!!!

So we did. I went over to his place for tea. We had tea and sat at the kitchen table and beat more dead horses, hashed out everything from the past. I said it wasn't meant to be. He said, not that's not it. It's b/c of _____. He also said if you would've ____.

But we cannot live our lives this way. The What Ifs. I feel deep in my core that there is no reason for us to EVER get back together. But the levy of that thought starts to leak when my ex says things like that. As if he wants it to happen again. 

At first, I felt really good after our meeting. It was healing, a truce. But now I've been doubting it and I know it can't happen too often. There is a small part of me that will always be in love with this fantasy of him. What if it was real? But it's not. So I cannot see us ever being close friends, because then we will venture into toxic territory. A territory I've been in and want no part of anymore. Even thinking about it gives me a visceral reaction, I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to resist that small chance if presented. Yet, I think it's enough of a sign that I have an overwhelming feeling of dread thinking of us dating. Tea time will no longer be a regularity. I do not want to be anyone's option, I want to be someones priority.

I've done so much internal work on myself this year, for the better. I'm so scared of going backwards, but I don't think you can truly go backwards. I get scared all my hard work will be lost.

I told my ex I was seeing someone even though I'm not. I told him I was seeing a South African Journalist who is my age and is really interesting. Maybe if I say it, it will come true.

I think I've been out of sorts and wild and spinning. I don't feel great, but I will soon. I just need to catch my breath and remember all the lessons I've learned. Remember how going backwards is not where I want to go.

2015 can only get better.

 

this year's to do list

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/12/52-fun-things-for-2015-try-a-new-one-each-week/

 

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something.” ~ Neil Gaiman

Rather than the traditional resolution list of fad diets, breaking habits and promises that usually gets broken, I decided to create a list of new things to try—things that can be crossed off (or added to) as the year goes on. There’s one for each week of the year—most are free and all are easily achievable!

1. Write a handwritten note and post it to someone you haven’t been in touch with for a while.
2. Make someone a Birthday or celebration cake.
3. Volunteer for the day, a local dog shelter, home for the elderly or at a soup kitchen for the homeless.
4. Take a bus or train to a town, village or city that you’ve never visited. Just go to the station and get on the next one that comes in.
5. Learn meditation, yoga, Pilates or something new that you’ve never tried.
6. Make a scrapbook, print out photographs, emails and attach keepsakes.
7. Go to an outdoor weekend music festival. And sleep under the stars.
8. Learn to play a musical instrument.
9. Spend a whole day in bed watching movies, reading books and snuggling with a loved one.
10. Look up your family tree and find out what you can learn about your ancestors.
11. Sign up for a local community class, learn something new and meet other people who live in your area at the same time.

12. Forgive someone who has hurt you. And maybe let them know.

13. Plant seeds and grow something in a window box or the garden. If possible start a small vegetable garden.
14. Compliment a stranger, it will possibly make their day.
15. Read an old classic. Choose one that’s always caught your attention and be patient if you don’t get into it straight away.
16. Start your own or join a book club.
17. Go to a museum, the cinema or a restaurant alone. Enjoy your own company.
18. Bake cookies and share them at work, when visiting friends or give them to a neighbour that may be on their own.
19. Make your own birthday, anniversary, valentines or celebration cards.
20. Go mountain climbing, hiking, or a long forest walk.
21. Eat lunch outdoors, pack a picnic in a hamper, sit by a lake, the sea, go to a local park or lay out a blanket in the garden.
22. Roller skate. Hire or buy a pair and have fun while toning up.
23. Let someone else order for you in a restaurant. Or cook something you would never normally try.
24. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while and make plans to visit.
25. For a period of time, a week, a month or all year, only shop locally. Purchase free-range, ethical and fair-trade goods, buy from independent retailers, at farmer’s markets and give handcrafted creations as presents.
26. Invent your own cocktail, purchase your favourite ingredients and try out something new. Adorn it with umbrellas, fancy stirrers and edible glitter.
27. Play a board game with friends or family. Scrabble, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit sadly get forgotten due to technology. They are timeless classics and a great way to spend quality time together.
28. Swap the car for a bike for the day. So much more can be absorbed when cycling, plus it’s great exercise.
29. Attend an open mic night. Great entertainment and can be the perfect way to meet new people too.
30. Donate to charity, whether it’s clothes you no longer wear, blankets to the local dog shelter or a sack of carrots to donkeys in India. There are charities everywhere grateful for anything. Even if it’s a $1 donation—it all helps.
31. Make homemade bread. It’s very simple and completely delicious.
32. Switch off all phones, laptops and technology devices. Find different ways to communicate with those close to us and spend quality time with yourself or with others.
33. Have a major clear out. De-clutter, if it’s not pretty, useful or it hasn’t been used in the last 6 months, be ruthless, let it go.
34. Write out a will, a little morbid to think about but it will give you great peace of mind.
35. Take all old books and magazines to a local waiting room, for others to read. Write a note in the front of a book and leave in a public place for others to take on and enjoy and then they can do the same when they’ve finished.
36. Take your camera with you for a whole day and capture everything and anything that takes your interest.
37. Attend a food or wine tasting festival. Most cities hold these events and they are usually free to attend and a great way to try new tastes.
38. Hold a mini movie festival at home. Invite your best friends, tell them to bring a movie they love and spend a whole afternoon and evening together curled up chatting, eating and drinking and sharing old favourites.
39. Organise a clean up with neighbours. Choose a particular hot spot that has turned into an eyesore and get a few people involved to help out. It won’t take long, will be enjoyable working together and you’ll be amazed at the difference a few hours teamwork can make.
40. Get a few friends together and take a ball to the park. Play soccer, rounders, cricket or basketball and ask everyone to bring something to add to a small outdoor snack/picnic afterwards.
41. Make your own soup—nothing tastes better. Especially if you add your homemade bread.
42. Learn a new language, especially if it’s of a country you plan to visit.
43. Go for a swim (if you don’t already.) Or try a brand new water-based activity, water/jet skiing, surfing, canoeing, sailing, kayaking.
44. Skip! It’s free, burns a heap of calories and can be done anywhere.
45. Take a road trip—pack a few necessities, take a map and set out on adventure with no set destination. Explore and investigate different places along the way.
46. Camp out—choose a time when the weather is good, take a barbeque set and sleeping bags and a portable radio. Relax with nature and leave all technology behind.
47. Read the community newsletter or noticeboards. Find out what’s going on locally and get involved in a new activity.
48. Try a new look—choose a new hairstyle or try wearing clothes that you like but wouldn’t normally wear.

49. Write a list of everything we appreciate. Sometimes things can go unnoticed and it’s a great way of becoming more aware and then passing on the gratitude.

50. Watch a sunset, sunrise or both. Find a spot with a good view and settle down with a friend or loved one and enjoy.
51. Write down your life plan. It doesn’t have to be specific, or even achievable. Just a guide for all the things you would like to do and then you can tick and cross off the ones that you want to work towards.
52. Take time out to let those around you know they are loved. Call up, write letters, visit and send the message out strong and clear to those that are most important to you.