New Years Intentions

My New Years Intentions are as follows:

1. Write for at least 10 minutes everyday
2. To complete a first draft of my novel, to be exchanged with my friend on 12/31/2015 (we have vowed in blood over email on this one. It's official.)
3. Publish three short stories.
4. Publish a five poems

1. Attend a writing workshop. In Italy.

 

1. SAVE MONEY. mostly so I can travel once again and eventually live in Italy for 6 months. I spent all my money on trips this year: Florida, Michigan, Austin, Montreal, and San Fran.  So no trips EXCEPT FOR ITALY.

1. Continue taking Italian class, Complete Level 2 &3

 

1. Not as much technology use - i think it's rotting my brain. I don't know how to stop this one yet. Maybe time myself? Only allow it for certain hours in the day? I can't give up Facebook cuz it connects me to family & friends who don't live near me, but i could go on only once a week? 

 

1. Consistent exercise, not just once a week exercise. And not just one type of exercise, but different types so I don't get bored (ie: running)
2.  Lose 10 pounds

 

1. Continue falling in love with myself. Continue dating myself. 

 

1. Continue volunteering in my community.
2. Learn how to cook new dishes.
3. Drink more water.
4. Take photos with the old camera my parents gave me, 35mm film. 
5. Get a massage or mani/pedi once a month
6. Dye my hair pink (at least pink highlights or ombre)

 
 
 

Take out the garbage, masturbate

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0c5BhXdVBqw

Oh what an ordinary day
Take out the garbage, masturbate
I'm still holding for the laugh

The dogs will bark, so let them bark
The birds will cry, I'll let them cry
Here's my report from the edge

Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You could say that I'm sane
In phenomenal lies
I'm the cause; make a turn
Near the party line
Like a birth in reverse
In America

This too will haunt me through the war
Laugh all you want, but I want more
'Cause what I'm swearing, I never sworn before

Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You could say that I'm sane
In phenomenal lies
I'm the cause; make a turn
Near the party line
Like a birth in reverse
In America

Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You could say that I'm sane
In phenomenal lies
I'm the cause; make a turn
Near the party line
Like a birth in reverse
In America

Songwriters
ANNE ERIN CLARK

Published by
Lyrics © BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC

Read more: St. Vincent - Birth In Reverse Lyrics | MetroLyrics

24 Questions Single Girls Are Tired Of Being Asked

http://www.buzzfeed.com/laraparker/questions-single-girls-are-tired-of-being-asked#.rwy5n8DVJ

I made out with a Russian Journalist on Saturday night. I stupidly shared this fun flirty story with my mother and a friend. Both immediately responded with:

"well are you going to go out with him, was he nice?"

 No probably not cuz I was drunk and I do not want to date.  I finally became secure with my intuition which is telling me not to focus on romantic relationships.

Watching a Frances Ha movie Q & A recently, the actress Greta Gerwig said they set out to make a film that wasn't about a girl finding the man of her dreams. She said, "if that's the climax, the point of the story, well frankly that's not good enough."

It's annoying how at holiday parties people ask how you're doing. then they ask with a glint in their eye, "seeing anyone special???" It's just annoying. As if that is the best thing that could happen to you. There are 5 million other better things than that. Money, Italian, Chocolate, Coffee, Movies, Art, Cookies, Sushi, Books .... 

There are so many more things in life, in our story, than the opposite sex. It's unfortunate how society makes men such an asset. Maybe less so in the "1st world" but it's horrible how men control the destiny of so many women in our world - specifically prostitution industries, child brides, communities where women have no rights.

Also, I've been hearing more of the exhaustion and tiredness, boringness of marriage/children lately. I don't know if I only notice this b/c I agree or if the current trend is to complain about life on the Internet. I do think the Internet tends to take regular life and whine about it. But Life isn't a fucking instagram feed!!! Life isn't as glamorous as it is on social media and that bothers people.

Date yourself.

I've been doing the above since Sept. 2013. I can confidently say I know how and enjoy being alone. I just came back from a week long business trip in San Fran and it was AMAZING wandering the city alone. I loved being with myself and had so much fun on tours, sight seeing, and eating food alone.  It wasn't lonely, it was really fun!!! But what if I could have that much fun or more fun with someone else along for the ride? 

Do not get me wrong - I love the freedom of my singularity.  There are 50% things I like about being single and 50% that I would like to have from a partnership.

I'm ready to date someone awesome. But I'm not willing to take the step into online dating b/c my life is so happy and peaceful right now, the thought gives me a headache of inviting someone into my life who will bring drama and fuck it all up. I can only hope after all the bad choices, I'm wiser and I can see characteristics to avoid more clearly.

I think I'm gonna sit back and live my life, keep doing what I'm doing and let the Universe take care of it.  That seems to be the most comfortable option right now.

He's baccckkkkkkk

My ex - the one that broke my heart last year - sent me an OUT OF THE BLUE email of hello on Sunday. I said something back, light, breezy, not asking any questions.

Ex: What's up?

Me: Thanksgiving was great, blah blah bye

Ex: Sounds good to me.

hours later

Ex: If you want to catch up or hang out after you get back let me know.

I haven't answered. I don't know if I will. He brought so much pain into my life.

These are the only two reasons I waiver:
1) I still find him devastatingly physically attractive. Like one of the hottest men ever.
2) There is a 5% within me that wants to believe he wants to right all the wrongs, do it "right" this time and love me the way I deserve. There is that very small part I want to believe which is: He loves me and wants to be with me.

But the 95%  knows the truth. The 95% of me cannot forget the countless times during our short time dating that he let me down, made me feel worthless, made me feel like I wasn't a priority. And that's the part I need to remember. I was SO MISERABLE when we were dating. Most of the time sucked and there were brief glimmers of amazingness. Those were the ones i wanted to believe in. But there wasn't enough of good. I constantly questioned my self-worth, confidence, sexiness, even words I said b/c I so badly wanted to please this asshole man. He dangled the relationship in my face, but only if i followed his rules. That's not love. That's manipulative bullshit of a true Narcissistic. The fact that he is contacting me out of the blue is proof of this as well.Also - I do not believe I'm the only one he's emailed this to. I suspect he has a long list of women like me - those he contacts for praise and/or sex when he's in between women and feeling insecure. What an asshole!!!

But there's that little part of me that wants him to take me out for drinks and tell me how wrong he was. But I know that would most likely end in some sort of fake reconciliation (sex) and would follow by months of an emotional roller coaster.

I need to make the right decision for me right now. That is - based on past knowledge - that I cannot ever engage with this man ever again. Even though I still have that 5% that craves the idea of him - the reality of him is not the same. The reality is that he's a selfish man with lots of problems. I need to protect myself this time. This is about self-preservation more than anything else. I love myself more than him. By far.

But why does it have to be this hard?

I can't wait until I meet someone who truly wants to love me, not just play games and be a shitty person. I've had more horrible things happen than good at dating and to be honest, the reason I haven't had a date in so long is fear and trauma. I realize this is not "special". I'm not the only one who has gone through these things, everyone goes through this. I just don't know what incentive there is to dating since every time I put my trust in someones hands they literally take it and smash it into 1,000 pieced before dumping me.

Dear God give me the strength to resist this bastard for once and for all!!!!

A miracle of miracles

Today i got to work on time, I made my self a healthy salad for lunch, I brought my gym clothes to work out at the work gym before going home. I also took my vitamins and did my makeup.

THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

It's the first of Christmas miracles.

Throwing Wine in His Face

 


This weekend I went for drinks with an older man. We had one date about 2 weeks ago. He took no initiative, but still contacted me for a non-date. And I still accepted thinking, "alright, at least we can be friends."

He's an interesting person. Bilingual, lived in different countries before. Older. Writes and actually reads books. Nice looking. Things that intrigue me. But I guess my bar isn't high enough.

We had planned to meet at 7pm, somewhere. At 6pm I get a text.

"I'm at [wine bar downtown]. How long will it take for you to get here?"
That's presumptuous. Yes, let me just drop all the shit I'm doing.
I drop it.

"I don't know. I guess 20 minutes if the metro behaves?"
"See you soon."
Ten minutes later,
"What's your ETA?"
My older, emotionally unavailable Ex used to use this phrase. A second glimpse of why I should NOT associate with this person.

"I dunno. 10 minutes I think."
Ten minutes pass. I'm still not on the metro. A minute later I walk through the sliding doors. A minute or two later I get off the metro car, headed to the escalator. I look down at my buzzing phone.

"Come on woman! Get here."
"That's rather demanding, and rude!" I thought. This is the point at which I should have turned around and went home. But I did not listen to my intuition and that's why the shit inevitably would soon hit the fan.

We met at a wine bar, blaring pseudo European electronic dance music. Misogynistic Old Asshole is sitting across from the bar side I'm on. He smiles and waves. I guess he forgot how hot I was. How much younger I was. 
"Took you long enough to get here."
"Ya. Weren't we meeting at 7pm? Not 6."
"I dunno I was here. So I texted you. Get some wine." He only speaks in commands. Another sign.

We start out talking about a mutual friend, possibly calling her to come hang out. We should do karaoke I suggest. He gives me a Cheshire cat smile, "how silly," yet he's so excited to think he could do karaoke later tonight.

Then we move on to talking about the DC dating scene. I explain my stance. No men. Not interested in men. I'm no longer interested. Looking for a relationship, not a one night stand. Looking for someone who is interested in me, don't want to get burned again. 

I explain how in my earlier 20s I did not want commitment. But when that phase was done I realized I wanted more. "Hooking up" didn't feel good. I also mentioned how I thought when you're a young woman you naively equate sex and love as the same thing and you think that if you put out, men will love you more, men will want to be with you for more than sex. At least, this was my experience.

"Equating love and sex? That's insanely naive. I can't even respond to that. Women can be so delusional."

"Delusional?"

"Yes. That's such a naive way to think. How delusional."

"Well I think that's why a lot of young girls have sex in high school. I think a lot of them want to express their love, or think if they give a boy what they want, they will fall in love with them. I think that's why a lot of women regret their first time experiences. Giving it away in a way that didn't work out as they hoped."  

"You mentioned you don't want to jump into anything, you 'got burned'? But the men you're talking about were just flings weren't they?"

"Well I guess they started out that way, but in my naivete I thought I could 'convince' them otherwise."

Angry Misogynistic Old Asshole voice: "Do you realized how victimized you sound? You're portraying yourself like a victim. When you weren't. Those guys just didn't love you and didn't even know that's what you wanted. Communication's important."

Defensive voice: "I don't think I sound like a victim. I think I'm just describing the female experience. At least my experience and what I've seen."

"You're not listening to me.  You're not special, [my name said in his Misogynistic Old Asshole voice]. You're not special. Being burned happens to everyone."

"I'm not special." I repeat back to him. He nodded with a shitty smirk on his face.

Now, I realize he meant my experience, not myself, but still the way he said this felt very dismissive, demeaning. I agree, these things happen to everyone, but when someone shares a story or experience with you, do you respond by dismissing it? I don't. I appreciate openness and honesty.

I felt the stem of my wine glass between my fingers. For a split second I considered splashing it in this Misogynistic Old Asshole's stupid grinning face. Instead, I sipped down the rest of my Rioja.





"I think I'm gonna go."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not having fun anymore." I ask for my check.

"There's no need to leave. I just thought we were having a lively debate. You're taking it so personally."

"I guess I don't share this shit with everyone so to be called a victim and delusional and not special just isn't .... fun."

"But you don't have to leave. It doesn't mean the rest of the night can't be fun. I think we've had a misunderstanding." back pedal back pedal back pedal.

I cash out, get off my bar stool,

"Bye," i say with an awkward smile on my face.

On the metro back home I received three texts. "I'm sorry I upset you. I guess I'm used to having spirited debates with friends who don't take things personally. It's not good to runaway when you don't agree with someone. You didn't have to ruin the whole night over some stupid disagreement."

I went home, pretty pissed off. But instead of crying or letting it ruin my Saturday night i called a friend and went to a corner bar and laughed and drank.

Life is too short to spend with Misogynistic Old Assholes. Even though I totally ignored my instincts and chose to be blind to the warning signs, at least each time it happens I'm getting better at recognizing. Like you know, not actually making out or sleeping with these sorts. That's an improvement.

16 Ways Modern Dating Is Changing The Way We Think About Love

 http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2014/10/16-ways-modern-dating-is-changing-the-way-we-think-about-love/

The need to be cool and play games is exhausting, but you might as well be prepared for being single for a long-ass time if you refuse to not participate by any of these modern dating “rules.” The worst part is that there’s rarely a way around all of these, and how often is that inhibiting our ability/chance to find real love?

the power of art

if you like art history, you should rent/watch Simon Schama's "Power of Art" - here's the first episode.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUeGRGLGXFY

A steak dinner

Posted on November 4, 2014
 

This weekend I told a prospective suitor that I was appalled by his communication style and therefore could never engage with him again. This was on Halloween night at 2:45am. I meant to be taken seriously but when you’re in a flamingo costume that’s hard.

“You don’t understand. I want a man like Steeeeeve McccQueen. Sean Connery! Not now Sean Connery but then Sean Connery. I want a man’s man, a man who takes initiative. A man who looks me in the eyes and says, ‘I’d like to take you out for a steak dinner!’ “*hiccup*

“Well do you even eat steak?”

“No – but that’s not the point!” *hiccup*

Xoxo – Marzipan Moxley http://marzipanmoxley.tumblr.com

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a reply

let's talk.

Let's talk about how I am reading Lena Dunham's "Not that kind of girl" right now and it's as if she lifted pages from my diaries.

Let's talk about how I am obsessed with conflict photographers, conflict photography and secretly want to be a photographer who covers conflict, even though there's no way I could with my personality traits: ie: highly sensitive, empathetic, anxious, organized.  I like to know that I will be alive at the end of the day. I get tired from carrying around the sadness of others. that's why i write to dump it off and start again.

Let's talk about how i am always late to work.

Let's talk about how when nothing is wrong in my life I feel a constant restlessness.

Let's talk about how i want to write a novel but average about 30 words on it a month.

Let's talk about my debt and past dating disasters. How now when i think of past lovers, i do not have longing, but i roll over in my bed, put my hands over my eyes, and groan out "what an asssshollleeeeeeee!"

Let's talk about how i feel guilty whenever i complain because there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life and I am a lucky bastard.

Let's talk about I still feel like i am looking for some sort of home, that every place I move to just seems like a landing spot until I move to a place I don't know exists. But i am tired right now and that place will just have to wait.

Let's talk about how i want to be a spy. But my face is so transparent and when I lie I cannot stop giggling.

Let's talk about how i am taking Italian class and do not know how it will ever be of use to me. The sole reason is the sound it makes when dancing off my tongue, exiting my mouth.

This is my life, all the ups and downs, the question marks lit on fire.

Give zero shits

This year, I stopped giving a shit about what other people thought about my life plans, dreams, goals. For a long time in my life I judged my plans against the advice of my parents, close friends, society. It's good to seek advice, but you cannot let other people plan your life for you. All that matters is what you feel. If getting married young and buying a home makes you happy, you need to do that, no matter what society thinks. If spending all your savings on travel and moving back in with your parents to save again for the next trip is what makes you happy, you need to do that. If never getting married, or never having kids is what makes you happy, you need to do that. Don't listen to people who are not living your life.

A lesson I learned this year was that you have to do what you want to do, not what others expect of you. If you do what others expect of you all your life, you will be miserable. You will look back on your life and feel pissed that you didn't do anything you truly wanted to do.

The worst that can happen is that you die from your choice. The chances of this happening are PRETTY DAMN slim. Unless your jumping off something really high, or something. If you lose your job, run out of money, are homeless, chances are you probably have some sort of support system to help you out.

So go and live HOWEVER you want. You really have NOTHING to lose.

You are pre-approved

fan club

It's been awhile.
I'm still here.
I'm still dating hot men that i'm too young for. I've been doing this since age 18.
Like many things this year, I've realized to embrace all of myself; the good, the bad, and the fugly. And it feels so good to only answer to my own compass. A free way to live your life.

I can't help that I'm attracted to hot old guys. But I can help dating assholes. And this is something I've gotten better at. The secret is going slow. Not rushing into everything. That's the only way to separate the men that are truly there for you and the ones that are only there for your body.

#1 There is a man at Karaoke who is in love w/ me but I'm treating him as a groupie. It's nice when someone appreciates your "Zombie" or "Silver Spring." He has questionable tattoos.

#2 is a Policy Analyst/Writer. And what a manly man he is. He has scruff and wears east coast style sweaters (wool?) and has lots of thick hair and could be John Ham's distant cousin. He likes Modern English writers. And Wyeth. He is a bit stoic which worries me. He can be caught deep in thought and doesn't say too much about himself. That's never been a good sign.

#3 is a Real Estate agent/part time DC Actor/Playwright who is a poor man's version of Adrian Brody. YEP he even has an imdb page. He wants to be chased but likes me more b/c i refuse to do so.

#1 is for my vanity
#2 is what i'd like
#3 is for my fun

We shall see how the dice roll.

I'm back in the saddle again......

Freedom

http://www.upworthy.com/whats-it-like-being-an-unmarried-woman-over-30-looks-pretty-cool-to-me-3?c=reccon3

We are so lucky that we have so many freedoms and choices as women today. Of course, not ALL is well - look at the American South's systematic scaling back of women's health clinics. BUT we are able to choose any lifestyle we want, which many women in this world cannot say. I am grateful for this.

you don't need permission

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhOsUu-gQJg&list=UUKBnlTTgEnhIXv_c4LvvyMQ&index=7

YOU DON'T NEED PERMISSION.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7HdlyCzFrU

I saw Oprah two weeks ago and it gave me a priceless amount of INSPIRATION! Here's a clip I found of some great advice.

I can proudly say I am currently obsessed with metaphysics. I am a TOTAL believer in the law of attraction, karma, positivity.

My only addendum is that on the subject of positivity. It is important to practice positivity, but more important to practice gratitude. If you practice positivity all the time, of every waking moment, that's unhealthy. Being "happy" all the time is unhealthy, since happiness, like every other emotion/feeling is temporary. There is no way to sustain it. You can only embrace each emotion, then let it go when it wants to go. It's good to practice positivity, but when you're mad, sad, or confused there's no use in ignoring it or being upset with yourself. You are having the human experience in all it's joy and pains and in between.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

- by Rumi 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- See more at: http://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi#sthash.TOUPfaS3.dpuf

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- See more at: http://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi#sthash.TOUPfaS3.dpuf

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- See more at: http://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi#sthash.TOUPfaS3.dpuf

Can't we be friends?

I went to trivia for a organization I volunteer for. After the game was over i beckoned a hot man w/ a beard over to my table. The third beer had given me this confidence. I chatted him up and then said,

"You're cute, are you single?"
He replied with a laugh, "Um ... my fiance is standing at the table behind me." (and she wasn't attractive, OF COURSE.)

I replied, "Oh shit now, i'm going to be fodder for the car ride home. This is a fail."

He then told me to become a Hasher. There, i would find men. Hmmm. 

As i run last night i couldn't help but laugh at this conversation, followed by my embarrassment. 

After that rejection, I bounced back with a second wind and dragged my trivia mate to karaoke. He tried to drunkenly kiss me after sharing his rendition of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." I do not see him in that way and he has a girlfriend. I had hoped we could be friends, but I guess not. Sometimes I think men are dogs in the truest sense.

It sucks cuz I really like hanging out w/ him. But, I've been in this space before and I am wise now. You can't will someone to be your friend. So I must drop him. Well, at least only hang out w/ him in group settings. Not drunk.

The Hot Spanish Man aka, the Unicorn (he is hot, employed and single, making him a Unicorn among men in this city) has not asked me out, although he assured me on the 13th he'd get back to me when he got back into town .... which was a week ago. BLAH. I think he wants a Spanish woman.

I debated on texting or calling him, but fuck it. I waver between taking initiative and not. I think in this new age of dating i need to take more initiative b/c men are:

1. lamer than they were before
2. scared of a strong woman
3. scared of rejection
4. in DC they have their choices, more women than men here; most of which are intelligent and accomplished. Hot, no so much, but to each his own. 

The reasons i do not want to take initiative are:

1. I want a man who is not afraid of asking for what he wants
2. I want a man with a backbone, confidence
3. I want to know, without a doubt, that he is interested in me. When i ask men out, I'm never quite sure of that. But when they ask me out, I'm aware that at least their first impression of me is something they want to know more deeply.
4. I am worth a fucking phone call or text for a date!!!

 So I'll waver and figure it out on a case by case basis. But I def think I will keep asking men i think are cute if they are single after flirting for awhile. As my roommate said, "If you keep on asking one of them will be."

How to Be Parisian Wherever You Are

I'm buying this book this week:

How to Be Parisian Wherever You Are: Love, Style, and Bad Habits: Anne Berest, Audrey Diwan, Caroline De Maigret, Sophie Mas: 9780385538657: Amazon.com: Books

 

A Masterpiece

Once upon a time, I dated an artist. It was a very short romance. As most stereotypes, he oozed charisma. His flirtations were a wide net and I was the catch; inescapable. I had no chance the moment he put his arm around my waist and whispered in my ear, “I think we’re going to be trouble.”

The hooks were in deep. But then came the mood swings, the verbal abuse … the other women. He no longer talked with me, but at me. All conversations were art lectures, or therapist appointments in which I played the role of the incompetent therapist. Listening for hours, not able to offer advice, and leaving more perplexed about “us” then when I had walked in. His narcissism and womanizing revealed itself soon enough and that lead to a swift demise.

I went to a music concert recently and this quote from a song stuck out to me:

"Like a flame not allowed to last very long but how fantastic and strong."

(Frontier Ruckus - If the Suns Collapse)

From my end, our relationship was as short as it was intense. But it was not all bad, because I learned some invaluable lessons. I learned what I will allow and what I will not. I learned that I want to be an equal in a partnership, not a fiddler player of the background music to someone else’s life story. The question this short relationship asked of me was, do I want to be the muse or do I want to be the artist, the creator myself? I have learned I am the creator of my own life story.

So this afterthought isn’t about how to date a creative mind. This is about how to cultivate your own creative power, how to become your own creator.

 At some point you must find the strength within yourself to step out from your partner's shadow. Living in the shadow of an artist can be difficult. Artists are contagiously creative, passionate, and emotional.  They brood in thought and like a mood ring can be 50 colors in one day. Not all these traits are bad. But they can effect you negatively if you let them. The American photographer, Lee Miller, met surrealist artist, Man Ray, when she was 22 years old in 1929. She became his lover and muse. While with him, she managed to learn from his photographic techniques, help run his studio, and become an artist. At 25, Miller left Man Ray and Paris to return to New York and establish a portrait and commercial photography studio with her brother Erik as her darkroom assistant.  She would go on to become an acclaimed photographer for Vogue, serving as war correspondent during WWII.

Lee Miller in Hitler's bath Photo: David E. Scherma © Lee Miller ... http://www.pinterest.com/pin/177329304052472517/

Examine yourself. Who are you and what are you creating? The painter, Frida Kahlo, once said, "I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best." Meeting the famous artist Diego Rivera at age 20, Frida wanted his opinion on her work. He replied, “You’ve got talent.” This encouragement and her perseverance would result in the Louvre buying one of her paintings, “The Frame”; the first work by a twentieth-century Mexican artist to be purchased by the renowned museum. Although Kahlo’s fame came posthumously, her authentic sense of self has lived on forever in her art and its admirers. Your creations are eternal.

http://www.friendsofart.net/en/art/frida-kahlo/the-frame

I invite you to create a list of qualities you’d like in an ideal partner. In a 1981 speech given at Yale, the ground-breaking feminist, political activist and journalist, Gloria Steinem stated, “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” Ask yourself if you have the qualities you would like to have in a partner. If you do, that’s great. If you don’t have them, focus on those qualities you lack and see how you can cultivate them. Remember to create your own masterpiece before giving all your paint away to a jackass. Your personal artistry will lead you to making your very own masterpiece if you let it.

http://agypsiblog.com/2013/03/15/femme-fatals-gloria-steinem/

Integrity

https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz

Gloria knows what's up.

I want a Frances Ha sorta love

This happened to me once and I would love for it to happen to me again. I miss cuddling and listening to music together and walking hand in hand. I miss the little things of relationships. But, I'm not ready to put myself out there yet so I'm waiting, I guess.

“It’s that thing when you’re with someone, and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it… but it’s a party, and you’re both talking to other people, and you’re laughing and shining… and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes… but – but not because you’re possessive, or it’s precisely sexual… but because… that is your person in this life. And it’s funny and sad, but only because this life will end, and it’s this secret world that exists right there in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us, but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s – That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess.” -Frances Ha (Greta Gerwig)

But when I got drunk on Friday night I did ask out the hot ass Spaniard from May. So we'll see where that goes.

Skip to my Lou.

http://the78project.com/hear-john-does-78-skip-to-my-lou-our-west-coast-tour-starts-today/

Dreams ... (or nightmares?) of late

I had a dream this last night/morning. I was dating Marc Maron. We lived in Austin, Texas and my family was in town. We were at Austin-y restaurant; meaning it was a restaurant with Mexican food and brightly colored picnic tables and pink prickly pear margaritas.  I kept on being constantly paranoid about what my conservative father and Marc Maron were going to talk about and I kept on interrupting. It became a "stress dream" - one of those dreams you have when you wake up totally stressed out about it.Some people run from a monster or zombie for the whole night. I go on dates w/ my family and liberal comedian fake boyfriend.


I was half awake lying in bed, thinking "OMG I can't date this guy. My family hates this guy. But I wanna date this guy! What am I going to do?" I was totally stressed out about it.

Then I realized I am not dating Marc Maron so I tried to calm the fuck down.

Two nights ago I had a REALLY weird dream where I had two fucked up looking nipples in addition to my regular nipples. Nipples?!

Here is what dream dictionaries say about that:
 
Nipples:Whether you are a child or an adult, seeing nipples in your dream represents that you rely on your mother for a lot of things. On the other hand, you might just need some motherly love or someone close to you reminds you of that love. 

You are feeling sexually inadequate.

No shit, Sherlock.

Of Montreal

Last weekend I went to Montreal. My friend was still sleeping and I was ready to burst out on a Sunday morning. I was sick of looking at my Instagram and Facebook newsfeed in the French couple’s divinely comfortable bed I was lying in. I turned over and put the iPhone down. I looked out the window. Outside their window is a huge tree that silhouettes the rest of the backyard. I look out the window at the virile green leaves and I pretend this is my house, this is my bed in the trendy neighborhood of Montreal. The baby’s crib in the one room belongs to me too, to my French speaking baby,that answers to a French name. My husband is out at the bakery getting this week's treats. He will not forget to bring me back a chocolate croissant; this French wife’s favorite.

At the end of the fantasy I keep thinking of the chocolate croissant. I now need a chocolate croissant. “I am in the Mile End neighborhood of Montreal, Canada. I need a chocolate croissant,” the American brain in my head demands.

I pick the iPhone back up – the only necessary evil in my life it seems – and I go to my yelp app. I type in the search bar, "cafes + chocolate croissant". I find Mamie. I see it is only 11 minutes away by foot. I get dressed. I tell my friend I am going to a café to get said pastry and coffee. “Ok” mumble sleepy mumble. “Do you want anything?” mumble mumble “Noooooo….” Sleep sleep sleep.

I put on my red converses and head out. When travelling, I find one of the most thrilling moments is when you step out the door onto the street and realize you have no idea where you are going, but you are intending to go somewhere very specific. A catch 22 thrill? Down the street to Avenue mon pins – left. Then to Rue St. Denis.

I pass flower gardens, calico cats on their regular Sunday routes. I pass a house in the middle of this trendy hood that disguises itself as a greenhouse. What a glory it must be to hide away in that during the harsh Canadian winters. Magnifique.  Sip your warm coffee in there and pretend you are in Java. That’s certainly what I would do. Then walk out red faced into an artic world of icicle covered bikes.

 

All the home entrances have spiraling staircases – dripping with ivy and bursting with hydrangeas. What a beautiful porch to sip some wine on and listen to your friend play some guitar – or better yet – as I witnessed, letting Edith Piaf’s voice caress the flowers from your porch side iphone amp.

 

When I reach the boulangerie there are only three of us in there. I forget to take a ticket, since there is no one there, really. But still, I must take a ticket. I take a ticket. #“38” – ok. I wait. All of a sudden from peace to mayhem, four separate groups of French speakers tumble into the door. They are all pointing and proding and poking and discussing what they must to get. Just as I need my croissant they have come for their Sunday ceremony. They do indeed have a chocolate croissant. It is called, the “Oh Mon Dieu”.

My number is called in French. I do not recognize it, but I see it in red lights on the ticket counter so I know it is time to order. A swarthy baker asks, “what would you like”

“Je voudrai Oh Mon Dieu”  I say– the swarthy baker smiles

“et petite brioche et … Capuccino.”

“Do you want cinnamon or chocolate on top of –“

“Both” I say with a big smile.

At the counter, he comes over with the pastries and as soon as he sets them down, leaves me. He is now making my coffee. A few minutes later he reappears with a frothy cup.

“THIS is not a cappuccino. THIS is a MASTERPIECE!”

I giggle luxuriously, smile, and say “merci beaucoup.”

“Caio!” he says. Was he Italian or French? I will never know.

I pass a number of brightly painted murals. The dreams of the artist that decided to place them on the brick wall for everyone else to see.

 

I walk back to my pretend French home and sit on the porch and devour each layer of the flakey choclate croissant. I wash down the thick, ganache with “the masterpiece.”

 

 

I began my day walking hand in hand with Joie de Vivre. I make a silent prayer she would not let go of my hand until I said so.   I prayed she would not get lost in the crowd of people waiting for their bags at the DC airport, or on the metro ride back to my apartment. I tell her thank you, please stay awhile.

 

 

Small things with Great Love

It's an understatement to say the world is in turmoil right now. Unfortunately, the world has and always will be in turmoil. Just as the world will be joyous, victorious, and in a journey towards peace.

Whenever I am experiencing a bad day, I remember the following things: I do not live in a community where I have no control over the direction of my life.

Can you imagine being forced into child marriage? Being imprisoned for having sex? What about slavery?

I thank God I do not live in a place which is always in chaos, where my entire life could be swept away at any time. I try to remember this when i have a bad day. Which lately, seem to be sparse.

BUT - all this turmoil means there is still much to be done. For a long time I thought I had to save the world. I had to do something EPIC, BIG, ASTOUNDING, to be worthy of living.

I've realized that small acts of kindness go much farther than you think. This past year was about getting my shit together so I could pay it forward. I'm starting to volunteer at a local non-profit. I'm tutoring in reading and writing with ages 6-18. It's once a week. It's just enough for me to feel like I am giving back, but not too overwhelming.

All we can do is promote peace in our small, unique way. Then we can start the healing process for the world. And, damn it is wounded right now. 





 
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-29063111

wise words, meryl streep

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” - Meryl Streep

Montreal

I went to Montreal and was reminded of the concept and lifestyle that is "Joie de Vivre"

I intend to get back to that. I'm assuming for the next three months you will hear me singing in french, listening to french music (old and new pop). And fashion! I feel like i need to revamp my entire wardrobe.  If I could I would have stolen all the clothes from every Montreal girl I saw. They are so fashionable. Here is a guide to dressing like a Parisian girl from the summer to fall transition:

http://www.vogue.com/1061265/single-girl-paris-style-summer-dressing/?mbid=social_twitter

All the men in Montreal were SO SEXY. Totally my type: tall, dark, handsome, with scruff on their face. Messed up hair, chucks and plaid or t-shirts. Soooo flipping hot. I wanted to take them all on a bus and import them to DC for a year so I could date them all.

I ate my way through the city. This included foie gras (twice), calf's liver, shwartz smoked meat w/ pickle and cherry coke, lobster ravioli, poutine, chocolate croissants every morning with a large latte, LOTS of beer, a bison burger, macaroons, custard tarts, gelato and the list goes ON AND ON.

I feel the need for a juice cleanse. 

My take aways from this trip are:

• live with Joie de Vivre
• dress in a more Montreal/Parisian/Hipster style
• listen to more French music
• live along with the flow of life
• eat whatever i want, just not in excess - carbs aren't bad. nor is butter.

We stayed in a beautiful rowhouse in the Mile End district. I hope to one day be like the couple who lives there: fashionable, in a city, enjoying life! Which is what I do now but in a small small apartment and with no money. hahaha. 

The Dating Schema

http://www.lewmag.com/septembercontent/#/afterthoughts-september/

my two cents on online dating as a Millennial.

Italy

I'm going to start taking Italian class so I can run away to Italy in two years. Italy inspires me and when I lived there in 2009 I fell in love with it.  I watched "Marriage Italian Style" last week and realized how much I miss hearing Italian, and how much fun it would be to learn it again.  But, if I'm going to learn it, I'm going to have to make an effort to speak in it! Whenever I take a language class, I don't practice speaking enough. :) Plus, this gives me a legit excuse to talk to hot Italians that live in DC.









 http://www.pinterest.com/marzipanmoxley/where-me-and-the-hot-tempered-spanish-painter-will/

"quarter life crisis"

This is exactly how I feel. I am trying to live out the last paragraph.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jn-salters/quarterlife-crisis-is-tha_b_5072177.html

And I completely agree with this statement as well:

I am currently trying to figure out my motivators. Instead of constantly thinking about how my life is "supposed to be," I have started to write and reflect more on what makes me happy. Searched for healing in the wounds. I also remind myself that life takes time and that to even be able to have a "quarter-life crisis" means that I am privileged, and more than anything, should be grateful. Yes, the falseness of "happily ever after" has left me, as well as many others, delusional and unfulfilled. But let us not forget about the millions of people who cannot afford to eat, let alone Google cures for their unhappiness, because of the falsities of popular myths such as "the American Dream."

I'm actively trying to live in the now. A lot of my stress comes from the past or future; which are two places I have no control over.

Digital Witness

Millennials: there are no precise dates when the generation starts and ends. Researchers and commentators use birth years ranging from the early 1980s to the early 2000s. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennials

I am considered to be a Millennial. Millennial have some great qualities. We volunteer more, we’re close to our families, and we are consistently open to new innovation and change, particularly when it comes to environmental regulations ... and new dating apps.*http://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2013/09/04/why-you-cant-ignore-millennials/ *

One of the downsides of being a Millennial, is dating as a Millennial. On a recent night when I complained to my mother that I wanted to meet a decent man to date, she replied, “Just get yourself made up and go to the corner bar with a girlfriend!” Unfortunately – or fortunately – it’s not that easy anymore.

We are a generation who is emotionally damaging each other through social networks; due to emotional unavailability and an unrealistic expectation of instant gratification.

It seems our digital selves are determining what happens when we're away from the screen. We meet people on social networks, we judge them from their digital representation (a sexy picture), we select one stands late at night after 5 cocktails and push the tiny glowing flame icon on our iPhone screen. We meet people via the internet. We have important conversations over texting, rather than pick up the phone. We dump people via text, email. How is this behavior shaping us and our emotionally expressive selves? Are we becoming or have we already become a culture that can only express things with acronyms in a 140 character text block?

The idea of meeting people via a dating application, like Tinder, is not new.  This same concept used to be in the medium of a personal ad you could post in the back of a newspaper. “Do you like Pina Coladas? Getting caught in the rain?” Online dating is not a bad thing and I personally know three married couples who met via Ok Cupid and they seem very content. I am all for new ways of communication; they are simply a new medium for the same idea. But at times, I feel like these social networks normalize emotional unavailability or avoidance. If you don’t like someone you don’t text them back, or de-friend them from your facebook.You no longer are "required" to have a conversation with anyone. You can disappear. Or so you think.

How do we get over past romantic paramours if all romantic attachments are frozen in a digital world? Each email of past lovely flirtations, every picture taken together, all instant messages are archived. They continue there, living and breathing frozen in time. In the past, if you stopped dating someone you never saw them again unless desired. Now, we can be ambushed by anyone from our past out of the blue.  Getting a blast from the past can become a daily ritual. Of course, deleting, and de-friending help with this predicament, but Google memorializes our every infatuation and breakup whether we like it or not. If cutting someone off suddenly from text or Facebook is a way to disappear, I would argue it's not working.

We need to be careful not to become detached. Numb to the face behind the profile page.  Behind there, there is a person of worth with something to offer you. If not a positive attribute, a lesson to be learned, a story to share. 

A second element Millenials need to focus on is "time." We exist in an instant gratification culture where we can get any song, food, or Netflix series delivered to us in no more than thirty minutes. Although we speed through our digital days, love remains one of the few things you cannot make instant. It’s true, if lucky you could feel an instant connection or attraction, but time is what creates true love.  Reading an “About me” section on a profile does not mean you now are compatible and know everything about that person. We are complex, beautiful beings and that is not translated on the web. Except for those digital copies of great works; the Mona Lisa, A Beatles song on Spotify. Those things do express the human experience. 

I am hoping we use this current dating world to our advantage; use it as a tool to initiate conversation, but not use it to replace our voice. Selecting someone from Tinder can be done, but once you select them, go on a date and get to know them. Don’t just have a 30 minute "hook-up" and peace out. You weren’t made for that. You were made to be loved and cared for on an emotionally open level. 

I am holding out for the serendipitous meeting in the coffee shop line, accidentally bumping into a handsome man at the gallery, the plane seat introduction, picking up my crushed tomatoes off the farmer’s market floor, but not alone. 

blow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30DSfAA0brs

"You just put your lips together ... and blow."

The Panama Canal

“My knees don’t work like they used to. You just don’t think about those things when your 19. You think you will be young forever. I never had trouble in the Panama Canal.”

“About 20 years ago when I was a scuba diver for the Navy. We were in the mines."

“A scuba diver for the Navy for the Panama Canal?  What were you diving for in the canal?"

“The mines.”

"The mines? Why the canal?”

“Well WWI and WWII everyone – the allies - kept stuff down there.”

I’m intrigued by the stuff everyone is keeping down there. This old man in the plane seat next to me, he once was a 19 year old scuba diver. And now he is an old businessman. He is not adventuring anymore. This is as wild as it gets. He orders jack and soda water, please.

“My daughter’s 25. She’s a psychologist. She can’t find anyone. She doesn’t trust anyone. She knows too much about human nature and now she doesn’t trust anyone.”

“Oh...” The other business man gives in grave whisper. “You know, the longer you wait the smaller the pool of quality men gets. She better hurry up.” They erupt with laughter.

If the ex-scuba diver’s daughter has studying the human psyche, and has determined this means she can trust no one, do I want to know more of her conclusions? No. I put my earbuds in. I drown out the old men talk.

I am in my early 30s. Single. I am not a psychologist, but I trust no one. That developed after years of trusting people, not reading lots of textbooks, not teaching people EFT.

I am leaving by plane from my hometown to my new town. I have just spent the week in the wilderness with no Wi-Fi. I actually had to feel all my feelings. It was a rough week. Drank lots of wine. I’m breathing deeper on the flight back to my city apartment.

It’s dark on the plane but the businessmen are loud so I can’t sleep. I think about the first few nights in the cottage. It was so quiet. Too quiet to fall asleep so I read till 2am. I am used to noise and babies crying and sirens. I remember when we met you covered your ears whenever we heard sirens. Like they were telling you something you didn’t want to hear. Reminding you of things you wanted to forget. I didn’t understand what you were trying to forget until the night you woke up next to me, eyes terrified, wide as quarters. You looked like you were coming up for air but you were not underwater, just in my bed with me.

In the beginning I loved the fact that I could make you moan. Since I knew there were very few things that made a man such as yourself moan. One being love, two being war. I was happy to be of the former category; I was happy to move you to shudder not due to pain, but due to love. Or from your end I guess you’d call it lust.

I remember feeling your arm draped over my skeletal frame. The fall had been hard on me and I had forgotten how much I liked to eat. You didn’t seem to notice anyways so I never brought this size change up. As long as I still had a C cup I knew I would keep your attention.

I remember that night, the moon coming through my blinds, stripes of stardust on our arms. I couldn’t sleep with you around me. I kept tossing and turning until we took off all our clothes. And as we were still catching our breath you suddenly burst out of the bed saying, “I’m going home, I can’t sleep now.” I wanted you to take me with you. Tuck me in the suitcase with your camera and cheer when I popped out of it like a calendar girl from a birthday cake.

You did not want to sleep with me. You wanted to keep a warm body close, have a someone to wake you from your nightmares. You wanted someone to pull you away from yourself in the middle of the night.

Christmas passed, the lights came down and there were still no phone calls. I pretended you were a pirate or soldier that was lost at sea and I would just have to wait for a carrier pigeon to come to my lighthouse. Be patient, I told myself. He will call, he will call.

There were never any calls. Leaving in the middle of the night was your grand exit I just had no idea until the curtains were up. The lights in my bedroom on, you gone. A disappearing act; an illusion. The tickets are sold out , no refunds.  The stale popcorn on the floor is the only proof we have.  The smallest filth is the only proof we have that it happened. The stale popcorn kernels are the smell of your sweater (greasy hair, sweat and overly priced cologne).

I order from the stewardess. My body buzzes with tannins. My brain is a bit scrambled but a steady idea is living there. I am finally realizing that your ghost has moved out. I am finally realizing it did take the banana from the kitchen as I had expected. I refuse to admit you left in the middle of the night because of me. It was never me. It’s whatever you told me you left in the desert, something you’ll never get back, yet you can’t stop thinking about it.

Xoxo – Marzipan Moxley http://marzipanmoxley.tumblr.com/

You're Kind of a Big Deal ...

i finally reached the point where i can't believe i ever gave my ex so much power over my self-worth. i'm finally reaching the point where i laugh instead of cry when i think about our time together. i laugh at the fog i was in and how delusional i was thinking he was my one chance at romance and a grand life adventure.

you are your own adventure story. you are the master of your own destiny. never let someone take that away from you. never give that power to someone else. yes, it may seem easier, but in the long run you're essentially sacrificing your soul, your worth, your vision. not worth it.

it's important to keep your heart open. we need to be compassionate and non-judgmental. but this past year i realized the (perhaps) more essential lesson is learning to protect your heart. it's one thing to forgive and show compassion. it's another to let yourself be a doormat with no brain. 

my life is filled with my interests, writing, passion, love. things are so much better now without this toxic person in my life. that's why i laugh when i think about how wrong i was.

i did hit a speed bump recently of jealousy, revenge. my ex and his gf live in my neighborhood so it's not unusual for me to see them out together. he rides his bike up and down my street and we don't even look at each other. or we do, but we both pretend we didn't. in a perfect world we could smile and say hi. but when someone hurts you deeply, it takes awhile. why pretend you respect someone when you don't? why give them a smile of submission? they do not deserve to be in your life. they don't deserve anymore smiles; fake or not.

i'm not necessarily proud of this outcome. but in life not everything ends how you envision. and that is real and that is the best, because this is life!

a recent writer i've become obsessed w/ Lorrie Moore explains this scenario best:










I came out of my jealousy and resentment by diving into myself, my interests and passions. From this experience, I discovered myself again and legitimized why I do not need a shitty partner. I'm waiting for someone who compliments me; there is no one who can complete me. Only I can do that.

And here is the kicker, the latest thing I saw that resonated with my current state: